Lies

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George-Washington

George Washington could not tell a lie. This made his extramarital affairs difficult beyond words.

“A lie is the truest form of the truth, and truth, the biggest lie ever. Or is it the other way around? All truth is lies, all lies are truth. Or a lie is a lie. Or something. Aw, fuck it, I don't care. Whatever I say doesn't mean anything anyway. Huh. Maybe I can publish a book about that.”

While the concept of lying has long been intrinsic in human language, it is rarely asked "What exactly is a lie?" Conventional definitions define a lie as being "something that isn't the truth". Unfortunately, this only taps into a greater question, which has kept philosophers employed for generations: What is truth? The difficulty of defining what a lie actually is makes it very easy to lie to people about its actual definition, which is, in a way, pretty funny.

Recently, philosopher and cunning linguist Noam Chomsky spoke from experience and cleverly defined a lie as being "that which has the properties of what a man tells his wife after he has spent the previous night with a hooker." Male scholarly audiences quickly applauded this apt definition, to the general dismay of wives and hookers alike.

Though others say that a lie is in fact, an edible form of the truth. All you have to do is take the truth, shove it in your mouth, and chew it up. Then you will have what is commonly known as a lie. However, if you are Vin Diesel, the lie is more easily concealed (see Murder)

How to tell a lie?

If you are George Washington, you can't. Otherwise, the procedure is simple.

  1. Do something bad that you never, ever want anybody to know about, ever. Especially your mother. Examples: under-cooking a fish, not washing your hands after using the bathroom, attending an Avril Lavigne concert, putting glass bottles in the newspaper recycling bin, picking your nose while driving a rented vehicle and crumbling it up to discard between the seat and door.
  2. Start a conversation with someone (your mother) about this specific topic. Example: "So, I hear that some people put glass bottles in the newspaper recycling bin." Attempt to maneuver her into asking you if you have ever committed this heinous crime against nature.
  3. When she asks, say, "Oh, I couldn't have, I was on Mars" or "I was busy flossing my teeth for posterity." Congratulations! You have just told a lie, and a very good one at that. Repeat this process until you have a good grasp of the art of successful lying.

Coolest lies ever

Here are some of the more successful and outrageous lies in history, and the truth behind them:

  • Everybody yearns to be free. On the contrary, most people prefer to charge for their services.
  • Beauty is only skin deep. The hell it is. Put that in your bank account the next time you don't get hired for a job because you have acne scars, buck teeth, a receding hairline, or are morbidly overweight. People who are attractive make more money, are more successful and are treated with more respect. The rest of us Average Joe losers are shit out of luck.
  • Jesus loves you. Jesus loves cool people who buy him presents, not you.
  • Yes, I love you This one's quite handy for getting laid.
  • Vitamins Are Good. See article on vitamins.
  • You have a right to privacy. The existence of Privacy, like the existence of the Tooth Fairy, healthy fast food, or Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, is a fairy tale. When a company employee claims he is collecting your personal data for "internal use only" and his company "does not share its customer list" with anyone, nothing could be farther from the truth. Privacy has been, and will always be, the Great American Dream, never to be realized.
  • The sky is blue. It's actually a phosphorescent shade of brown.
  • Snape kills Dumbledore in the 6th Harry Potter book. Actually, he did. Sorry to ruin it for you.
  • Sorry to ruin it for you. Of course, if anyone ever says this to you after telling you that, for example, Snape kills Dumbledore in the 6th Harry Potter Book, they are blatantly lying. Not about the fact that Snape kills Dumbledore (that's true, sorry to ruin it for you), but about that they are sorry. They told you on purpose, to ruin the book for you. Of course they did. They're horrible people, and they don't like you.
  • Catsup is good on French Fries
  • We've always done it this way. The only time they've ever done it this way was the first time. It didn't work. They stopped doing it that way and someone forgot to tell the jerk you're talking to now.
  • Santa Claus isn't real. Actually, he is. If you haven't seen him it's because you've been naughty, telling lies, or Jewish.
  • Your dog went to a nice farm family. Your dog is dead. Your parents accidentally ran over him then lied about it to you. What horrible people.
  • If you work hard and are smart enough, you'll succeed. You'll only succeed at making someone else successful, like your boss. You will probably end up working three part-time fast food jobs at minimum wage with no benefits, and end up paying the same amount of taxes as your boss anyway.
  • The Jews control the media. The media is wholly owned and operated by a coalition of highly intelligent and sinister pink bunny rabbits, who use their Jewish connections as a lightning-rod for criticism. The yalmukas are just a coincidence.
  • God. God is a lie. Or frequently lies.
  • Cigarettes cause cancer. In reality, cigarettes cause friendly conversation amongst the sexes, which gradually leads to naked boobies, which tends to culimnate in wild passionate sex. Therefore, it should be said instead that cigarettes cause bastard children.
  • Rafael Palmerio - Of course you took steroids...period.
  • Ashlee Simpson - She's too young for Acid Reflux Disease.

See Also

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