The 'Beetus

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“We've got the 'Beetus, we've got the 'Beetus, we've got the 'Beetus. Yeah!”
~ The Go-Go's on The 'Beetus

"The 'Beetus" is an advanced form of Diabetes, commonly called Type 17. It originated around Northern England and is transferred via infectious "'Beetus Birds" (usually pigeons). It is deadly and/or fatal.

edit About 'Beetus

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Wilford Brimley suffering the first stages of 'Beetus.

The 'Beetus was, and is, the first known form of diabetes, which is generally considered odd as it is an advanced form of the Diabetes disease and it was discovered before the orignal disease. The 'Beetus is transported either through very toxic smog emissions, though vaginal discharging, or through an infectious bird termed as a "'Beetus Bird." These "'Beetus Birds" have only been recorded as seen and/or captured and killed a select handful of times due to the fact that if you as so much make eye contact with one, the 'Beetus Bird, due to it's sore, swollen testicles and resulting agression, which are symptoms of The 'Beetus on flying mammals, will violently attack you using it's feet, testicles, and beak within a matter of seconds and transfer the disease through rapid and violent contact. Only a few known people have survived an attack from a 'Beetus Bird, one of those people being Oatmeal connoisseur and Liberty Medical virtuoso Wilford Brimley. After this recorded attack in 1799 after running away from his father's small Quaker farm located somewhere on the East Coast, he began to fight the disease while being treated, thus forming Liberty Medical. His fight was sponsored by Chuck Norris.

edit Specific Origins

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A typical 'Beetus sufferer in stages close to death, this one a doctor who treated first man to get the disease, Oscar Wilde, one Dr. Charles Manson (photo taken circa 1799 in England after the outbreak and around his own death).

As stated earlier, The 'Beetus is believed to have started in 1791 in the Nothern England countryside. Its exact origin is unknown even to this day, but the first transfer of the disease came from a diseased penis that violently attacked a man named Oscar Wilde. These diseased pigeons are now called the 'Beetus Bird. The disease left Mr. Wilde unable to properly digest foods like Milky Way Bars and Pepsi Cola. It was also during this time, and for years to come, that Mr. Wilde would be heavily involved in the Uncyclopedia phenomenon and grace the site with his lovely quotes and facts. Mr. Wilde recovered from the disease approximately five years later, a few years before the infamous Wilford Brimley attack. However, the next man to contract The 'Beetus and continue its transfer, Mr. Wilde's doctor Charles Manson (who helped to treat his sickness), wasn't as lucky as Mr. Wilde and Mr. Brimley. A photo of Dr. Manson's late-stage 'Beetus, shortly before his death, is shown at the right. The astute observer will note the advanced state of Dr. Manson's necrotizing fasciitis.

edit Cures

Only two cures are known to work. Other cures are still being discovered through the scientific community.

They are:

  • The Oatmeal Diet/Oat Therapy: Mr. Brimley pioneered this specific treatment in 1988 with fellow and original 'Beetus victim Oscar Wilde. It includes force-feeding a victim oatmeal for several hours before the victim's body accepts it as insulin or whatever. It has one downside, and it's that it makes people who subject to the treatment homicidal for a few brief moments. Mr. Brimley is known to have used this treatment on himself.
  • "The Benjamin Franklin Method:" One of the first treatments, this little known discovery of Franklin's was found in between his invention of bi-focals and electricity. It involves coating a victim in volcanic ash for several hours, submersing them in a vat containing a 20/80 mixture of tar and animal semen soon after, then removing them from the vat and giving them a vitamin suppository through the anus. It is proven to have a very low success rate.

edit Appearances in popular culture

180px-Diabeetus Jaws

"Diabeetus" the movie, featuring Wilford Brimley and directed by Quentin Tarantino, will be released in October 2008 through Dreamworks studios.

  • Programming: In 2005, hackers released the "'Beetus Syndrome" virus through e-mail, which would show a bowl of hot, steaming oatmeal on a person's computer screen before the computer's OS system would become corrupt and the harddrive would implode upon itself like a dark star.
  • Hell: It was rumored that Satan, before his discovery of pure evil as a fuel, which now can power the Toyota Prius, tried to convert the anal excrement of 'Beetus victims into an alternative energy source.
  • Movies: In October 3000, a classic tragedy/horror movie which features Mr. Brimley and is directed by Quentin Tarantino will be released. The movie is about Mr. Brimley's encounter with one of the first 'Beetus Birds and what happened to him soon after. There is reportedly a swimming scene which graphically shows Brimley transferring the disease through sexual intercourse. Although it was previously demanded that the scene be removed, it has been confirmed it will stay for the theatrical release and subsequent DVD release with an Unrated rating.
  • Television: In June 2006, ABC featured a mini-series written by Stephen King concerning Oscar Wilde's encounter with the deadly 'Beetus.
  • Literature: Oscar Wilde wrote a play and a few quotes about The 'Beetus. They can't be featured here because manuscripts are rare and are not yet on the internet for reading, though legend does say that Mark Twain himself hid the manuscripts in Atlantis and that they are guarded by deadly Beetus Birds.

edit See zlso

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