Liberal bias

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Liberal bias.

Liberal bias is a phenomenon that occurs in reality seemingly at will, although, it appears to diffuse equally amongst all areas of the world in order to spread the anguish.

Discovery

The liberal bias was not just something God created it had to be schemed (by a struggling G.O.P.), and then carefully implemented. Although, the first known sighting of the liberal bias is up for debate, certain people like to start with Richard Nixon and the supposed 'Watergate' scandal. Nixon, being a conservative, was an easy first victim for the liberal bias being as it was a ridiculous myth up to that point. Like many conservatives Nixon obeyed all of America's laws and refused to give into the radical socialist agenda the Demoncrats brought forth. In order to brace for their assault Nixon decided to send a young schoolboy to their meeting in a run down apartment. However, the boy was quickly brainwashed, and Nixon was discovered. Liberal attorneys accused him of ridiculous crimes, and had him impeached from office. Every human on Earth could feel the changing of the guard at that very moment, the world was hurling toward a Communist regime.

Welcome To Earth: Population Liberal

The famed Jackass of the liberal party was cackling his ass all the way to the gulags after Nixon's impeachment, soon the world began to take a nose dive off the deep end. For one thing people with different colored skin were suddenly being accepted for jobs over white, land-owing, protestant males. In order to fix this conservatives devised the word Reverse-Racism to try and throw the blame back at the liberals, but as hard as they tried they couldn't overturn the decision. Soon multi-millionaires were being forced to live in the same gated community as 'free blackmen' a concept which was still considered ridiculous amongst the conservative population. Nevertheless, the G.O.P. decided that the bias would stop there and nothing else would get in their way.

All of the sudden, though, their wives began developing the very basic levels of opinions, every conservative on the planet called their local doctor who said their was nothing he could do. The main problem with this was that most doctors aren't their own doctors so every doctor called another doctor creating a phenomenon known as the "Medical Dependance Effect." Back to women, out of the blue women were demanding the right to VOTE and be EQUALS. Realizing this jeopardized their plot for world domination the conservatives quickly resolved to put down the feminist rebellion by misquoting Jesus to make it seem as though only white males were actually considered humans.

The Menace Races Forth

As women soon started getting equal opportunities and being paid the same amount as men doing the same job as them the dark bias became even more apparent. Like Hitler, the liberal bias was well aware that in order to take hold of the future it had to get the children while they were young. Groups of old sweaty men who behaved like children, known as rock bands, began to form, and they polluted the youth's minds by glorifying freedom and equality. The conservatives quickly needed to bring an end to the bias's rapid movement forward, so they had no choice but to turn to the military. Deciding that the only way to counterattack the phenomenon was to start a war conservatives began picking fights with every dictator in the world including: Kim Jong-Ill, Fidel Castro, Sadam Hussein, and Steve Jobs.

Soon all of America's brilliant young minds were off needlessly risking their lives in pointless wars. The conservatives praised their lord Jesus for obviously setting this president that war was good because God created it. As they moved on with their crusades though, the conservatives discovered that the liberal bias had done away with the draft giving people an option as to whether or not they wanted to be unjustly killed in a shower of raging bullets.

The Government Wants To Run My Life

Next the liberal bias began blatantly flaunting itself in the form of 'warning labels.' The big liberal government took it upon themselves to write Warning: This cigarette will kill you and Warning: Do not use this wheelbarrow in 150 degree heat. The conservatives took this as a calculated move to insult them they said, "If I wanna stick my tongue between the rotating blade of a lawnmower set on high, ain't no damn government sticker going to stop me."

For this reason the years 1986-88 were referred to as the quiet years because many conservatives cut their tongues off and then refused to have their tongues regenerated by stem cells. All the while the bias was growing into textbooks. Soon school textbooks had facts in them, but that's not all; the facts were highlighted in blue, the most liberal of all colors. In a response many conservatives moved their children into Catholic schools where nuns would beat them for questioning authority much like Jesus would have.

The Present

While George W. Bush was president, things were good for the conservatives. They created many conflicts and started three major wars, which allowed them to dehumanize or unliberalize the youth culture. Conservative parents had also discovered that by suppressing their children's ideas and forcing their own beliefs onto them at a young age, they could make them invulnerable to the liberal bias. As the Good Lord W's reign as tyrant came to an end though, there was a sense of uncertainty amongst conservatives. A perfectly senile war veteran named John McCain was more than ready to continue with another four years of fighting but for some reason people seemed to like a slave man from Kenya who ran illegally under the name SpongeBob Blackpants to appeal to the younger demographic.

His real name was Barack HUSSEIN Obama or HUSSEIN as the conservatives preferred. The conservatives tried to warn everyone that he was actually a socialist pod sent to the United States to brutally rape our freedom and turn us into Swedish apple lickers, but everyone seemed to like how HUSSEIN or Antichrist (as he was referred to in the final month of his campaign) wasn't George W. Bush the second like McCain was.

The conservatives tried to dispel this theory by using common knowledge that while Bush was from Texas McCain was from Arizona. They all claimed Barack Obama was a direct descendant of Hitler, Napoleon, and Satan and that he called Sarah Palin a pig with lipstick, but that was just because they didn't understand his expression because it came from one of those liberal textbooks. They also said he was a dirty black from Kenya and didn't have a birth certificate, after a birth certificate was provided conservatives altered their argument to he didn't have a birth certificate.

Needless to say Rapey McRape Rape or ally terrorists such as Philosopholis Thompson everywhere tried to dispel these lies by speaking with the common man, and when a man without a plumbing license asked what would happen to his plumbing company if the Sith Lord became president, Osama replied, "The same thing as if anyone else was president: if you don't have a license you'll get shut down and possibly arrested." The conservatives jumped on this because the poor man who was coined, Joe the Plumber, was to be doomed under the Devil's economic plan.

They also jumped on the Kenyan for not being up on his knowledge of plumber laws because as they pointed out, neither Mario nor Luigi have licenses and look at how they turned out. Nintendo, apparently already afflicted with liberalism issued a statement saying, "Mario and Luigi are fictional characters and in no way have any bearing on this presidential race. Well that just about did in conservatives. The Black Menace was elected and as one of his first plans, he wanted everyone to have the ability to see a doctor if they were ill. Obviously, this was ridiculous, and conservatives have since made many assaults on the president's character without actually successfully poking any holes in his plan.

1-800-STOP-ALIBERAL

1-800-STOP-ALIBERAL is a telephone number to be used in serious situations only. If you or someone you know is attacked by the liberal menace please call this number (obviously not toll free we're not a bunch of sissy liberals running a charity here). Anyway a squad of mindless conservative talk show hosts will be sent to your area to help free you or your now heavily indebted friend from the fixes of the liberal mind. Most experts (conservatives) agree that the first five minutes are the most crucial so if you think you might have liberalitis use this simple anagram:

  • B: Big government, Do you suddenly feel like reading a textbook?
  • A: Anti-Christ, Do you hate Jesus?
  • S: Socialism, Do you feel like moving to Russia?
  • E: Equality, Do you believe all men, women, gays, blacks, transexuals, Asians, bipolars, aspies, illegal aliens, pokemon fans, Simpsons lovers are created equally.

Remember B.A.S.E., if we have enough people call! We'll find the liberals hidden base of operations, please if you are suffering from any of the four symptoms or you experience any of the following call us you are under assault by liberals.

  • Headache
  • Heartburn
  • Nausea
  • Indigestion
  • Diarrhea (rectal or oral)
  • Gonorrhea or STDs
  • Cancer
  • Death

This message has been sponsored and approved by the Conservatives Against The Liberal Bias Committee.

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