Liberal Party of Australia
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- For other conservative/reactionary political parties with ironic names, see Liberal Party (disambiguation).
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- Not to be confused with the Australian Labor Party - an easy mistake to make, 'cos they're all the bloody same.
“I support the Liberal Party and solemnly swear I am not saying this out of fear of being called seditious otherwise. Please don't hurt me...”
“You call this Liberal? More like Conservative! This should be called Conservative Party! We're centre-right-wing!”
“We did not edit this page in any way. Also, a GST will never be part of our policy.”
|Liberal Party of Australia|
|Foundation||February 28, 1944|
|Political ideology||Whatever they have in mind, C*ntishness, not Liberal, White Australian|
The Liberal Party of Australia is the right wing political party of Australia. Their arch-enemies are the Australian Labor Party, boat people, the environment and the Australian public. Due to a leadership spill involving Tony Abbott, Malcom Turnbull and an unpeeled Onion of dubious origins, the current leader is Malcom Turnbull (Praise be Unto Him), controlled by puppet master and journalism monopolist Rupert Murdoch. This is all done for the noble cause of making a very short list of billionaires slightly richer, by removing all regulations that any reasonable human being would say is done to protect the nation of Australia and its people. Both these items being inconvenient obstacles to the Australian Liberal Party. They truly have our interests at heart.
In 1944, the party was founded after a three-day orgy held in a small broom closet in Parliament House (a virulent pest native to the Canberra region). The meeting was called by the then-leader of the United Satanists Rights Movement, Robert Menzies.
Menzies had already served as Prime Minister of Australia until his death in 1941, but he believed that death was no excuse to leave office and risk people fixing up the right-wing extremism he instigated. He made a deal with his lord Satan to return to the mortal realm, and terrorise the populace further.
Eighty men and no women (as their
owners husbands wouldn't let them off their kitchen chains) from 18 not-Labor political parties and organisations attended the first Liberal Party Orgy, all of whom had bad posture, ignorant and offensive views, and lacked any social skills.
They shared a common belief that Australians should have less personal freedom and choice than that offered under Labor's evil socialist plans. The ghost of Menzies believed the time was right for a new political force in Australia - one which fought for the freedom of the corporation - commonly referred to as "the Man" - to fuck around with the working classes.
In his opening address at that meeting, he said:
|“||... what we must look for, and it is a matter of desperate importance to our society, is a true revival of evil thought which will work for the betterment of our economy, for national power and national progress, and for the full exploitation of the individual citizen, and not the freedom and equality offered by socialism.||”|
It is often said that Menzies stood for the "forgotten people" of Australia; those who lived their lives drinking champagne in yachts, and those who wanted to continue living their lives drinking champagne on yachts - often referred to as "the aspirationals". Menzies sought to help these people - but mostly he strived to continue to remain in elected office.
On 16 October 1944, the name "The Liberal Party of Australia" was adopted, uniting the many different political organisations. The name was chosen because Menzies thought it was hilariously ironic to have a name that represented the opposite of what they stood for. Two months later, at the Albury Conference, the Party's organisational and constitutional framework was drawn up during another wild sex orgy (this time their wives' chains were lengthened, allowing them to attend), during which John Howard was conceived.
By May 1945 membership of the Liberal Party had swelled to 40,000, most of whom were, like Menzies himself, rich slave-owners, deceased and burning in Hell, or Satan worshippers. However, inanimate objects such as rivers in northern Queensland, street signs, and those fluffy clouds that look like things when you're particularly high, were also well-represented on membership rolls.
The Liberal Party fought its first election in 1946 with some success: the battle went well and Liberal demons managed to devour the souls of ten Labor senators. In 1947, the Liberal Party won state government in Western Australia, South Australia and Victoria after an impressive campaign of intimidation and murder against left-leaning voters. In 1949 the Liberals, in coalition with the Country Party - an obscure group of deluded hillbilly bumpkins - waged an unholy war against the Labor party chanting, "We reject your equality and replace with EVIL!!eleven11!!one one!". This evil coalition then won federal government in a landslide, and in his victory speech, Menzies thanked the party for their strategic spraying of napalm and Agent Orange over electorates with unusually high densities of criminals and low-income earners.
Sir Robert Menzies - knighted in 1976 for exceptional services to nepotism - went on to lead Australia and the Liberal Party for another 17 years, before his ghost was cast back into the 10th ring of Hell at the climax of an epic battle between the party and an army of Hobbits led by Van Helsing and Dr Who; the chronicles of this awesome coup are available at your local Labor party office, and all good comic book shops.
Satan himself was reportedly quite amused at these developments, and after he finished his extensive ROFL session, also joined the Liberal Party.
edit Stuff that happened later
In 1996, the Australian people were turned into zombies by the new leader of the Liberal Party, Count Howard (also known as Darth GST), who sent out his unholy love-toys, the Australian Young Liberal Party to bite people and turn them into right-wing, souless demons. In 2004, Labor retaliated with the vampire hunter Van Latham, however he was unsuccessful, and was himself turned into a Labor-hating zombie from a bite by the Pancreatitis demon.
The Liberal Party has become Australia's most evil and orgasmic party: it was elected to Government for 23 years from 1949 to 1972, another term of more than seven years from 1975 to 1983, eleven years from 1996 to 2007, and from 2012 until the heat death of the Universe.
What does the Liberal Party stand for? Large-arsed Ignorant Bastards Evil Rich Ass-secks Lying
Pathetic And Right but Terrible Yuppies
The non-core pillars (subject to 180 degree changes without notice) include:
- the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples to be exploited by big business; and we work towards a mean government that minimises freedom in the daily lives of minority groups; and maximises munney-makin'.
- government that nurtures its citizens through human farming similar to that seen in The Matrix.
- the most basic freedoms of parliamentary democracy - the right to have a flawed democracy, the right to be controlled by the rich and the right to have a whole bunch of apathetics randomly voting.
- a just and humane society in which people are eaten with as little pain as possible... it hardens the flesh.
- equal opportunity for all Australians; and the encouragement and facilitation of wealth so that the rich may have a good life while most people are left in mediocrity.
- a firm belief that if you are not wealthy then it is your God given right to do the will of your betters, namely, the rich.
- wherever possible, government should not compete with an efficient private sector; and that businesses - not government - should be in charge.
- preserving Australia's natural beauty and the environment for future generations. Natural beauty includes the lovely sound of clear-felling and the fragrant perfume of toxic goop.
- that our nation has a constructive role to play in maintaining world peace and democracy by supporting the destruction of all nations that do not support the United States of America.
- that Australia has a valuable role to play as the lap-dog to other larger nations. We pledge to subvert Australia's national interests to those of other nations. Our price will never be beat, we will sell out for a title, or a free-trade agreement!
- swearing allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Eliza... no, to His Imperial Bigness George Dubya Bush and the United States of America.
- supporting the re-classification of Aboriginals and Torres-Strait Islanders to the status of "Flora and Fauna".
- holding firmly to the principals of Terra Nullius and believe in the sacred duty of rich white people to rule over and take the children from Aboriginal entities.
- that "truth" is relative and that all facts can be subject to interpretation. Lying is perfectly fine if it gets us re-elected.
- that climate change wasn't created by man but a conspiracy theory introduced by the Labor party.
- that the mining industry is more important than the environment.
- that Australia shouldn't have to deal with the Black people coming on boats into our shores, and that we should turn those boats back the way they came from and kill the 200 people.
- that single athiest women shouldn't be ruling Australia, no matter how slappable her arse is.
Notorious Notable achievements
Despite having a reactionary ideology, the Liberal Party has done a lot of
damage stuff while in government.
edit The reign of Menzies the Merciless
| This section requires expansion, as I had to rush home and get ready for work tomorrow (see ya, Andy!)|
edit Holt's brief dictatorship
- See also: Harry Houdini.
| This section does not require expansion, as Holt didn't do much.|
Harold Holt is widely remembered for moving most of Robert Menzies junk out of the Lodge, and failing to make the Australian olympic swimming team. He was whisked away by a Japanese mini-submarine in 1967 before he could do any further damage to Australian society. The Labor party claimed they had nothing to do with bribing the Japanese navy to snatch Holt nor, they claimed, did they provide any information about his whereabouts, patterns of behaviour, or his 50 metre freestyle performance.
edit Fraser's genocidal regime
Malcolm Fraser has the honour of being the first prime minister outside of the third world to completely destroy a universal health care system. In 1982, after mistaking some Sard Wonder Soap for cocaine, he disassembled the Medibank system with a twirl of his pen, and a surprisingly clean-smelling fart. Political commentators congratulated him on his timing: a sudden, massive, and completely-unrelated increase in people dying in the streets from preventable diseases - the growing pile of dead bodies was also inconveniently blocking several Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras floats - could now be cleared and buried easily, with the government-owned earthmoving equipment purchased from the savings.
edit The Howard years (and years, and years...)
Shortly after John Howard (then the minister for truth) stated categorically that 'A GST will never be part of our policy', he attracted international political acclaim by introducing a GST as part of the party's policy. Mildly concerned about waking up the next morning with his head on a pike and being paraded through Canberra to jeering crowds - and having run out of others to scapegoat (the Easter Bunny was on holiday at the time) - he took the subject to the 1999 election, patronising the electorate with transparent claims of "ensuring a mandate". His fears proved to be unfounded, however - despite widespread electoral fraud, he and the Liberal party managed to hold onto power with a slim 47% to 53% victory over Labor on the two-party preferred vote. In celebration, he had thousands of Labor voters from western Sydney melted down and turned into bricks; just in time to aid the construction of the athletes villiage for the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games.
- Main article: Grand Theft Auto VI: The Siege of Kirribilli House
John Howard (then the minister of love) was also targeted during the 2007 election campaign after a damning Australian Defence Force training video was
manufactured found by the left-wing media. In the video - allegedly shot shortly before the Tampa incident in 2002 - he is shown demonstrating the most effective (and satisfying) methods of throwing children overboard. Four seconds later, pitchfork-wielding voters entered Kirribilli House - some also carrying silver stakes and Labor how-to-vote cards - and confronted Howard. Historians generally agree that only the fact that he had an authentic Ashes commemorative cricket bat - signed by Mark "Tubby" Taylor, no less - allowed him to survive the altercation at all: as the mob dropped to their knees to worship the bat, Howard retreated to the kitchen, hid in a chest freezer, and then soiled himself. Sadly, he lost his glasses while trying to squeeze himself in, so after later fleeing the country once the mob went home to watch Question Time: The Senate, the poor darling had to resort to using his Parliamentary Gold Card to travel to Thailand to get laser eye surgery, treatment for severe frostbite - and get his "World's Sexiest Prime Minister" underpants dry-cleaned.
John Howard also received the Robert Mugabe Medal of Honour in 2002, for creating the distinction between "core" and "non-core" promises - a paradigm now used by conservative governments all over the known Universe when screwing the people who just voted for them.
edit Fading out
The Liberal Party of Australia came to an abrupt end in 2035. The few survivors of the great ABC purge of 2014 assassinated our most exalted Emperor Malcolm I, by throwing episodes of Catalyst at him until he cut his own throat in response the basic scientific errors in the programme. The Labor party promptly seized power and set up a communist utopia Australia-wide, which fell 13 minutes later when someone from the right faction was silly enough to ask "how are we going to pay for it?"
Australia then promptly sank into the ocean whence it rose - the few survivors then ironically became boat people, and were rapidly torpedoed by Indonesian anti-immigration patrols. All was not lost, however: as Australians' had been escaping from their penal colony for centuries (primarily due to lax quarantine regulations), there were approximately 45 billion Aussies overseas at the time of Australia's unfortunate inundation. Credible rumours circulate that these remaining, stateless Aussies are planning to go to war with New Zealand for control of the former Australian Antarctic territory, and declare a new Australia; further rumours of growing pineapples, mangoes and beer on the ice after their almost-certain victory have also recently been substantiated[I Don't Believe This].
| This section requires expansion, as my imagination ran out.|
(October 4004 BC)
While gone, the Liberal party will (unfortunately) never be forgotten. It inspired great right-leaning movements such as Pol Pot, Benito Mussolini and ISIS...
edit Relationship to the Australian Labor Party
In Australian, the expression "same shit, different smell" was invented and roughly the same second two-party politics was. Anecdotal evidence suggests Labor shit smells like burning public money and the BO of lazy welfare recipients, while Liberal shit smells more like the partially-digested remains of underpaid workers spat out by big business - but more controlled studies are hard to come by, and are often distorted by ideology.
However, an associate professor of politics-turned-leading farm hand who wished to remain anonymous, has suggested "Australian politics is shit", which settles that.
- The British National Party is the English branch of the Liberal Party. Formed some time in the 18th century, it is a disgustingly racist, xenophobic, slave-driving and evil party - having moved somewhat to the Left of its parent organization in recent centuries.
- The Republican Party was originally the American branch of the Liberal Party, but broke with them in the late-19th century when slavery became illegal in America.
- The Tea Party is rumoured to be the replacement for the Republicans, but according to Tony Abbott, "they're not Right enough quite yet".
- Mario Party is a video game that staged a successful coup Sydney after too many people bought cheap Wiis that were irradiated when passing the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, and achieved sentience. This dictatorship - which became even more extreme, ruthless and omnipresent since they attached a Wii MotionPlus - has been in place for two decades, and serves as a warning to those who would defy the Liberal Party.
While the Liberal Party has a "leadership" position, it is merely a shorthand for the official name of the portfolio, "mainstream media-created, easily-accessible (and targeted) figure of public ridicule and abuse"[I Don't Believe This]: nominal authority rests with Rupert Murdoch in his nuclear strike-resistant, underground compound on the other side of the world.
|Name||Took office||Left office||Best forgotten for|
|Adolf Hitler||4004BC||1945||Assassinated by his own wife on their wedding night|
|Sir Robert Menzies||1945||1966||First Vampire, Van Helsing's second cousin|
|Harold Holt||1966||1967||Drowned in holy water, then torpedoed by the US, just to be sure|
|John Gorton||1968||1971||"... I'm not remembered" (more like not worth remembering)|
|William McMahon||1971||1972||"Shit... the calm before the storm..."|
|Bill Snedden||1972||1975||"Stupid Whitlam with his Kemlani rorts and bankruptcy..."|
|Malcolm Fraser||1975||1983||"Muahaha... I pwnd Labor... Governer General was a vampire" (GG was later revealed to be a robot)|
|John Howard||1985||1989||"Did someone say BUTT-SECKS?!?!?!"|
| Andrew Peacock|
|John Hewson||1990||1994||"Who wants a slice of GST cake?"|
|Alexander Downer||1994||1995||"... things that batter. What's that? I'm out?"|
| John Howard|
on a triple bypass
|1995||2007||"This is a new age of terror and butt-secks. I am to George W. Bush what Monica Lewinsky was to Bill Clinton!"|
|Brendan Nelson||2007||2008||"I have never voted for the Liberal party in my entire life... Oh wait thats the party I'm leading!"|
|Malcolm Turnbull||2008||2009||"That silly bastard Nelson thinking that I would not be voted in by the party. What a n00b, couldn't lead the Liberal Party into a piss up... I bet he did not think that he would lose the top job..."|
|Tony Abbott||2009||Armageddon||"Mad Monk to the rescue! We want to be less brown but are being more brown by opposing the ETS, gotta deliver the daily sermons and have tea with the queen before I push it to the max !!! ahh shit! I'm sorry that I have said that lol"|
|Malcolm Turnbull (tennis player)||2015||Ctrl+Z||Ctrl+Z|