Liberal Democrats
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“People can't hate us that much...”
~ A drunk Liberal on Liberals
“ Unlike the Conservative or Labour party, us Liberals know exactly where we're going: Nowhere!”
~ Liberal Democrat party member on Liberal Democrat Party
Liberal Democrats is an option on UK electoral ballots that is roughly equivalent to "none of the above", or "re-open nominations" in other democratic states. Thus, this option is one that a candidate will select only in the case of utter dissatisfaction with the other choices available.
Although actually in Government in the UK the general public only know three 'Lib Dem' MPs - 'Menzies 'I can't say his first name properly' Campbell: 'Menzies 'I can't say his first name properly' Campbell, Lembit 'The Player' Opik and, of course, Charles 'Have anuva drink on me' Kennedy. Now the party is led by Nick 'Cloggy' Clegg who can dance in wooden shoes and is sometimes taken seriously by people with no understanding of British humour.
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[edit] History and rationale
The "Liberal Democrat" option was first included on UK ballots only as late as 1988 after they emerged from a controlled mating experience with the Social Democratic Party. Before then they were known as the Liberal Party , a collection of bearded vegetarians who dyed their own clothes and little old ladies who made heroin flavoured jam at jumble sales. The new Liberal Democrat party's emergence coincided with the widespread political disillusionment that met the last years of the Thatcher administration.
The new party's first leader was Paddy 'Pantsdown' Ashdown , an ex-military man who had gone softy liberal after a career as a British secret agent . The Liberal Democrats hoped that having a man who once had the 'license to kill and go to bed with women of his choice' would give their party a 'macho liberal' image. However in the new party's first major electoral test in the 1989 European parliament elections , the Liberal Democrats came in fourth behind Labour , Conservative and the Green Party !
As the UK electoral system does not allow for a "none of the above" option to be placed on ballots as a default, the creation of the "Liberal Democrat" selection was originally intended as an option to allow for an individual voter to express his contempt for the other options, but without spoiling his ballot paper; in Britain, at least, like so many other things, ballot-spoiling is considered downright rude. However, in modern times, the Liberal Democrats have quickly evolved into a humanoid species. Contrary, to the Conservative Party who have ceased to believe in... well anything, The Liberal Democrats agree with everything, anyone or everyone says, unless of course, you didn't like what they said, in which case, they agree aswell.
The name to appear on the ballots was chosen only after a painstaking process of trial and error. It was decided early on that the name to be chosen should give no indication of political bias. This removed from consideration traditional choices such as "none of the above": the previous year, an Irish Catholic and nationalist candidate, The Nun of the Above (otherwise known as The Nolan Sisters) , had won several thousand votes in a hotly-contested by-election.
Thus, a name was chosen that would avoid offense, whilst also avoiding entirely the issue of political ideology: very few politicians in the UK would claim to be actively illiberal, and even fewer would claim to be undemocratic.
Liberals claim that everyone is entitled to the same quality of life as the rich. So, sorry Joe the Plumber. You work 14 hour days and come home to a family of three kids and a wife, but you still have to give your paycheck to the lazy ass, booze chugging, child molesting, creepy hobo on the south side because he's to lazy to get off his perverted ass long enough to get a job picking up trash at the local parks! Isn't it great when utilitarianism works?
[edit] Electoral success
Liberals were never actually elected. However, satan helped Bill Clinton win.
[edit] Transport policies
The Liberal Democrats have a master plan to "improve" railways by digging up every line in the country to replace it with a misguided busway.
“I am taking the project into my hands and I will make it my duty to do whatever is popular in the press today. The bus will mimic my impossibly beautiful long face so that when the bus decides to flip flop the wheels on top will take over and possibly chant contradictory phrases about Iraq. The bus will be modified to run on all the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. (WARNING: False phrases about Iraq may contrive while reversing within minutes)”
~ John Kerry on A small child
[edit] Liberal Democrats in political satire
Given the status of the Liberal Democrats as a pseudo-party, several satirical publications have attempted to embody the position of the party in a series of fictional "politicians". One such fictional figure, now widely used, is that of "Sir Menzies": in keeping with the apolitical and indecisive nature of the average "Liberal Democrat" voter, Menzies is most commonly portrayed as an aged white man, with limited political influence, prone to stuttering over even the simplest of questions at Prime Minister's Question Time. Many mispronounce the name "Menzies" on purpose but still the public are unaware of the nature of the party.
Previous to Sir Menzies a more comical figure was elected as party leader. Charles Kennedy was the most unlikely of politicians, whereas Sir Menzies could pass for an older William Hague, Kennedy was more reminiscent of a TV Presenter. The media even alluded to this fact by nicknaming him Chat Show Charlie. Kennedy even presented shows such as Have I got News for You before joining the Lib Dems. Even when intoxicated the public were slow to catch onto the truth and when they eventually did, after 4 years, it was time to change leaders.
During this election, in which Sir Menzies was the eventual winner, a series of smokescreens were put in place by independants Simon Hughes and Mark Oaten with an aim of hiding the fact that the party has no MPs. They even found a fourth candidate following an interview process for tea boys.
[edit] Taxes
Liberals polititions believe that the can spend your money for you better than you can. So they make sure that they get as much money as posible from the infinitely wealthy taxpayers who can't be trusted with more than a few dolars.
[edit] Nice guys finish last
Though this might also be because the Liberal Democrats are airy fairy pansy boys.
Or twats.
Its a matter of contention
