Lewis Hamilton
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“ ....................”
~ The Stig on Lewis Hamilton
Lewis 'Wonderbum' 'Ron's Bitch' 'Biggest Choke Ever' Allen, née Hamilton (born Luis Jamilton January 7, 1985 in Aragon, Land o'Spaniels inside a go-cart) is a female Formula One racing driver, he won 5000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 races. currently married to ITV commentator James Allen and in a relationship with renowned pedophile Ron Dennis. Lewis was born when his father, Anthony Hamilton, the infamous Nigerian email spammer, after making his billions from the scam, stole the DNA of Michael Schumacher & Ayrton Senna, using it to create his son. Anthony tried to repeat this with Lewis' younger brother by mixing the DNA of Stephen Hawking and Ayrton Senna to make a child with the intelligence of Stephen Hawking and the racing abilities of Ayrton Senna. However, the opposite occurred and he received the intelligence of Ayrton Senna and the mobility skills of Stephen Hawking. His younger brother is, thus, a retard. Lewis is often falsely credited as the only F1 driver in history but this is because he is the latest British driver whom the rabid British sports media is gay for. It is expected to die out much like it did with Jenson Button.
He thinks he's better than Kubica.
He invented the Lewis Gun.
Hamilton has a pet finnish lapdog named Heikki Tiitola, a very rare breed that is renound for its total obedience and submissive behaviour.
Hamilton is the sole "brotha" of F1. Since he's in a minority, he belongs to team mate Heikki Tiitola's affirmative action program. This eliminates the need for Uncle Ronnie to constantly radio awkward "let Ham pass for the championship" messages to Heikki.
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[edit] Early Years
Hamilton was not fond of school as a child as he spent most of his time in detention for copying off fellow students papers during exams. Before he was an amazingly jammy Formula l driver Lewis was, inevitably, a baby. He spent most time running around making screaming 'vroooooooom' noises but unlike other children Lewis would do 60 or 70 laps of his garden before climbing on top of the garden bench, raising his hands aloft in celebration, spraying his cat in lemonade, wearing his cap like a total prick and yelling "Fuck you Alonso!" at the top of his voice. It was clear that this was no ordinary child because of his outrageous sideburns. Although, lewis obviously possessed extreme talent, he also had a knack for remaining child like all of his life. Unfortunately he still mantains this talent even now he is in his 20's.
[edit] Lewis gets a car
By the time he was 8 Lewis had grown tired of his legs and began pod racing. This developed his skills as a racing driver. At age 11 he started a relationship with renowned pedophile Ron Dennis, who after admiring his cock sucking skills, had him signed to the McLaren junior team. It was then where he came across and eventually taken as apprentice by Darth Sidious, to learn the ways of the dark side of the force.
Lewsey-baby (As James Allen calls him) got his first chance at Formula 1 in 2007 when he got a drive in the Mclaren team. While on crack, Big Ronnie D thought it would earn his team some points with the media and a thumbs up with a few sponsors by getting a British driver back in his team and a black one at that.
[edit] 2007 Season
Starting the 2007 season, Hamilton made good use of his powers rooted in the dark side of the force by copying Fred "Fernando" Alonso "Bonzo"'s telemetry settings when people weren't looking. At the Canadian Grand Prix of 2007, Lewis won his first race, using his sith powers to give himself a force push at the start of the race, Also making him the first black driver in Formula 1 history to win. It was disputed whether perma-stroppy Colombian Joan Pablo Moantoya was black enough to claim that accolade, but this was discovered to be a misprint - Moantoya was in fact the first plaque driver to win a Grand Prix (due to the advanced gingivitis he suffers), before he threw a massive wobbly, kicked some tyres, and went to America to race monster trucks.
Lewis's victory soon lead to a feud with Alonso when Alonso shocked the fans by turning heel. Lewis by then was already a baby face and this resulted in many matches with the Spaniard. The feud hit an all time high, when Ron Dennis interfered in their 'loser leaves Mclaren' match at Wrestle Mania 23 by handing Lewis a steel chair when the FIA wasn't looking and hitting Alonso across the face for the win. This was the first time since the days of Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna that the Mclaren team have had a heel and a face driver during the same season.
The feud with Alonso subsided during a qualifying pit stop in Hungary where Lewis came in for an early pit stop for shits and giggles, screwing Alonso over by taking his extra qualifying lap and not letting Alonso through on track. However Lewis was still unable to take pole away from him, as Alonso's sweaty armpit race engineer managed to pump him up enough on his flying lap by yelling "Fantastico!" on the team radio multiple times, orgasming himself and Alonso into Pole position. Following this, Lewis quickly used his force powers on the team into forgetting what he did. After letting Ron Dennis Bukkake him, Ron promptly claimed that Alonso was cheating and improved the team strategy with Alonso being demoted 5 places.
Lewis is the first driver in Formula 1 who has a pet Pokemon crane. This secret was revealed when after sliding out into the gravel trap, Lewis summoned his poke`crane, which promptly helped Lewis by lifting him out of gravel trap, unlapping him and carried him across the chequered flag. Lewis has since used his poke`crane many times to help him claim many victories over the season.
After Alonso accidentally walked in on Lewis blow jobbing Ron, Alonso threatened to leak the pictures to the public but Ron 'the quick prick' Dennis countered Alonso by going to the maFIA himself, showing off all the kiddie porn he made with Lewis, much to Max 'i like to posely' Mosely's enjoyment. This eventually resulted in Alonso being forced to job to Hamilton, building up Hamilton into the John Cena of professional motorsport, the only difference is that John Cena is more black than Hamilton.
Hamilton had a huge gap of 7 points to 3rd placed Finnish ice robot Kimi Räikkönen, one round before the finish of the championship. Then, Hamilton was struck by a bolt of intelligence, and he decided to hit the "Lose Championship" button on his steering wheel. McLaren's Windows rebooted in order to get the newest smilies for MSN, causing him to drop out. Thus Lewis lost the Championship of 2007 cup on which his name was already written, but as consolation, received the Einstein award for his brilliant move.
Lewis rounded out his year by bagging another 2nd place in the BBC Sports Personality of the year.
[edit] 2008 Season
Lewis Hamilton begins his defense of his Guardian Readers' Choice Awards Blackest, Smoothest, Most Well Hung Sports Personality of the Year That I'd Pay to Fellate 2007 title in Australia on March 16. McLaren unveiled their new McRarri MP4-23 car on 6th January 2008. Hamilton gave a glowing first review of the new model after his first test. "Its great, the team has managed to incorperate loads of Ferrari tech, and some extra bits too, such as the new crane link behind the airbox. The new link will let cranes in every country pick the car up and return it to the track after I stuff it into the gravel. We wont see any more problems like the one in China last year, where the Chinese crane couldnt fit onto the european standard crane link on the car. That really fucked me over."
Lewis Hamilton won the 2008 Australian Grand Prix in style. He lapped the entire field 4 times and won by over 7minutes. Kimberley Raikkonen was no where to be seen, after having a poor weekend due to being on her period.
Lewis Hamilton followed up his Australian GP win in a complete lack of style, having been outqualified and outraced by teammate Heidi Kovalaienenenenenenenen. Kimberly Raikkonen won the race and promptly showed her arse to Hamilton, in the full knowledge she'd be in no danger as Lewis only likes boys.
Kimberly Rakkinon was astonished and less than delighted as young master Hamilton rammed her up the backside as she was waiting at a red light (no, not the district) to come out of the pits in Montréal. Hamilton apologised profusely, reiterating the fact that he would never intentionally do such a thing to a woman, as he only likes boys (see previous paragraph).
Hamilton eventually won the championship after Passing Nazi Toyoda driver Timo Glock in the last race of the season .
[edit] 2009 Season
Lewis Hamilton began the 2009 season as the reigning World Champion. In the first race of the season at Australia, Lewis Hamilton supposedly drove a stellar race, bringing his fucked up car to a 3rd place on the podium after the appointed intellectually challenged race stewards ruled Jarno Trulli had illegally overtaken Lewis during the safety car period. Eventually it emerged that Lewis was too busy sucking Ron Dennis's cock in the cockpit and was too occupied in defending his position as Ron was nearing orgasm and he didn't wanna let Ron down. Straight after the race, Lewis gave a press interview speaking with cum in his mouth which led to suspicion to the circumstances.
The stewards reinvestigated the case, ruled Jarno's overtaking legal and told Lewis to fuck off the podium. Lewis, fearing for his reputation called for a press conference and proclaimed to the world that he ain't no cocksucker amd squarely pushed the blame to some New Zealander staff who had previously rejected Ron's advances.
In the nest fucking Malaysia race Hamilton fucked his car into 7th place in the race even though he even thought he was in 5th what a noob. The race was stopped cause Hamilton was so furious that he got half points, not knowing everyone else did too
[edit] Penis Size
Many have postulated that in order for Hamilton to have had so much success during his first season, he must have had sex just before every big race. And in order to do so, his penis must be negligible. His F1 team has made many accommodations for his pathetic phallus. The excessively shrunken nose on his car provides room for his penis-growth treatment when racing. His amazing F1 team also gets that car going really fast, and as everyone knows, as an object approaches a significant fraction of the speed of a snail, it decreases exponentially in mass. Therefore, Lewis Hamilton's penis has negative mass and exhibits no time dilation properties, making his penis unusual amongst men. It has also been established that Lewis only has sex with young boys (excluding Ron Dennis), most of whom are aged 2 months to 7 years, and in the act of doing so, the boy will be scarred for life, thereafter.
[edit] Off track controversy
Despite an fairly decent early record in record breaking, Hamilton has been followed by off track controversy for much of his debut year.
He became the first out gay F1 driver at the start of the season, where he married F1 commentator James Allen. The couple have had 2 very public fall outs since, the first in April where Lewis was photographed getting jiggy (in a very homosexual way) with ITV presenter Steve Ryder. Allen and Hamilton soon patched things up though. Hamilton was recently seen moving his belongings into Ron Dennis's marital home after Ron split from his wife. Mrs Dennis was recently quoted as saying the reason behind the separation was because she found Lewis Hamilton in bed with Ron watching Trisha which in itself is rather disturbing. It is unknown what gay partner James Allen thinks of this move, though it is highly likely he missed it happening because of the bloody ads on ITV.
In July, Hamilton reportedly made a pass at teammate Fernando Alonso. The fallout led to the spy scandal ruling, where by the FIA found Alonso had discussed Ferrari secrets over email with test driver De La Rosa. Alonso was apparently trying to discuss set ups with anyone but Hamilton, who took it the wrong way every time he mentioned stiff suspension parts and ride height.
Towards the end of the season, Lewis's affair with pedophile boss Ron Dennis became public when Alonso accidentally walked in on them. Lewis has reportedly smoothed things over and is continuing the relationship with James Allen's blessing, cuckolding James Allen. The reported blackmailing of Ron Dennis by Alonso is generally thought to have been based around this incident (Alonso threatening to tell the outside world of Ron and Lewis' bum fun sessions). The whole thing was fudged over and changed to a spying scandal, the resultant £100000000000 trillion fine came as a relief to Dennis and Hamilton as the press bought the cover story.
[edit] Records Held
Lewis is the first black man in Formula 1 to suck his own cock using something called "Self-cock sucker."
Lewis is the first black man in Formula 1.
Lewis is the first gay in Formula 1.
Lewis is the first black man to want to marry James Allen.
Lewis is the first black man.
Lewis is the first first.
Lewis is the only champion in Formula One to be a total FUCKING ARSEHOLE!
Jenson Button holds a joint record with Hamilton in making James Allen orgasm on screen.
Lewis is the first formula 1 racing driver to have made his debut in a Ferrari car (albeit painted silver)
Lewis is the first black man who drives a car fast without having broken the law first. (Although this is challenged with his antics at Hungary, and Japan.)
Lewis is the best ever driver in the world ever ever and no one is better than him, according to James Allen. Shortly after declaring Fernando Alonso as the best ever driver in the world ever ever.
Lewis is the 1000th British over-hyped driver in Formula 1 and the 1st since Jenson Button.
Lewis is the only driver to have a Pokemon crane.
Lewis is the only person to be lifted out of a gravel trap and allowed to rejoin a race by help of his pet Pokemon, the crane.
Lewis is the first driver to be given more importance by the British media than every other F1 driver in history all put together.
Lewis is the first Black clone born from mixing a White and a Latino driver.
Lewis is the first black guy to step on earth.
Lewis is the first F1 driver to use lipstick.
Lewis is the first F1 driver to be compared with Carlton Banks from 'The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air'
Lewis is the first person in F1 who's name "when rearranged" spells "No I Am Well Shit".
Lewis is the worlds most famous Anti-Wigga, where as wigga's are usually white chav teenagers who think they are black, Lewis is a black man who thinks he is white.
Lewis is the first Formula One driver to catch the rare disease that made Michael Jackson turn white, though Hamilton turned black, previously being white.
Lewis is the first driver in Formula One who has ever been caught wanking over Ayrton Senna. Alonso walked into his room and saw cum all over the walls, and Hamilton was saying "Oh, Senna, I love your small dick, o.111111111 cm long, oh yeah!" Lewis, contrary to popular belief, is Spanish, not English, having been born in Aragon. However he has not made his Spanish nationality widely known due to his aversion to Chorizo.
Lewis is the first F1 driver to have all the personality and charisma of a bread stick
ITV loves Lewis so much that they have a shrine of Lewis Hamilton at their news studio. Designed and built by James Allen.
Hamilton holds the record for getting off track with an averge of 10 times per race, When asked about that, he said that it's all because he is always one step ahead (he follows the racing line of the next race!)
Recently, Hamilton holds the record of having the most number of penalties. When asked, he thinks the maFIA are plotting against him (just like what he thinks when he was outqualified by his fellow countryman David Coolfart and his lover Kimberly).
[edit] The Sith Conspiracy
As usual with all highly talented sports stars there are a number of rumors flying around about Lewis. The most interesting of which is that he is a Sith:
- His name contains exactly the same amount of letters as Luke Skywalker and, more importantly, "I'm really a Sith". Suspicious huh?
- He has amazing Sith like reactions, the likes of which an ordinary person could never attain and therefore these must come from the power of the force.
- The crash of Robert Kubica on lap 26 of the Canadian Grand Prix could only have been caused by the force, pushing his car of off the track. This also meant that, as Alonso was pitting at the time he received a ten second penalty. Lewis obviously instigated this. Only a strong and evil user of the force could do this.
- When he was nine, Lewis approached McLaren F1 team boss Ron Dennis and told him, "I'm going to race for you one day. I'm going to race for McLaren". Suspiciously two years later he was signed to McLaren. What eye witnesses failed to notice was the small hand wave, which must be included in all force mind control manoeuvres.
- Lewis likes to dress up in that Princess Lea outfit for James Allen. James Allen always prefers the dark side.
