Lewis Hamilton
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Lewis "Cry Baby" Hamilton (born January 7, 1985 in a go-kart) is a Formula One racing driver and married to F1 commentator James Allen. Currently in a relationship with his sugar-daddy Ron Dennis, Lewis came into Formula 1 when Anthony Hamilton, the infamous Nigerian email spammer, after making his billions using the scam, went on to clone him from DNA stolen from Michael Schumacher and Ayrton Senna. He is often falsely credited as the only F1 driver in history to have any kind of sex appeal but this is because he is the latest British driver whom the rabid British sports media is gay for. It is expected to die out much like it did with Jenson Button.
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[edit] Early Years
Hamilton was not fond of school as a child as he spent most of his time in detention for copying off fellow students' papers during exams. Before he was an average Formula One driver, Lewis was a baby. He spent most time running around making screaming 'vroooooooom' noises on the laps of old rich Englishmen. Lewis would do sixty or seventy laps around his garden before climbing on top of Rons lap, raising his hands aloft in celebration, spraying his face with Rons cock, wearing his cap like a total prick, and yelling "Fuck you Alonso!" at the top of his voice. It was clear that this was no ordinary child. To this day, Lewis still wears nappies.
[edit] Lewis gets a car
By the time he was eight Lewis had grown tired of his legs and began pod racing. This developed his skills as a racing driver. At age eleven he started a relationship with renowed pedophile Ron Dennis, who, after admiring his skills, had him signed to the McLaren junior team. It was there he came across and was eventually taken as apprentice by Darth Sidious, to learn the ways of the dark side of the force.
Lewey-baby (As James Allen calls him) got his first chance at Formula One in 2007 when he got to drive on the Mclaren team. While on crack, Big Ronnie D thought it would earn his team some points with the media and a thumbs up with a few sponsors by getting a British driver back in his team, and a black one at that.
[edit] 2008 Season
At the beginning of the 2008 season, Lewis was out for revenge. First, he won the race in Australia after hijacking the 2 Ferrari's and replacing their engine with dry ice. He got the idea from Alonso who did the exact same thing in 2006 to Michael Schumacher. Raikkonen took wins in Malaysia and Spain while Felipe Massa took a victories in Bahrain and Turkey while Lewis was napping. After winning in Monaco he seemed set to have a huge race in Canada. Then he preformed one of the stupidest manuevers in F1 history, up there with David Coulthard smashing into the pit wall and giving Nelson Piquet Jr. a drive. After making a pitstop he slammed into Kimi Raikkonen at the end of the pitlane. A number of factors might have contributed to this fact. 1. After seeing Kimi at the end of the pitlane he decided to take revenge immediately. 2. Red means go in Lewisland 3. He was high. Robert Kubica took the win instead with Chewbacca (Nick Heidfeld) second. In Belgium, the stewards said that he had taken an advantage and overtook someone and immediately penalized him. After winning in China (more revenge!), the championship finale was set in Brazil. After Massa led the whole race and won, Lewis used his Sith powers to make Timo Glock go off the track and give Lewis the championship. In other news, James Allen had an anuersim and has decided to quit commentating.
[edit] 2009 Season
Lewis Hamilton began the 2009 season as the reigning World Champion. After he learned that the new Mclaren was mediocre (to say the least) he put in a storming drive to 4th. Unfortunately, the Dark Side got to him and an excited spectator caught him using the Force to make Trulli go off the road. Lewis took the blame and then fabricated an obviously fake story that he had nothing to do with it and it was all Dave Ryan's fault. Ron Dennis left to save his image. After that fiasco most of the year for Mclaren went like this: crap. Finally, after he had another dodgy performance Lewis put his foot down and used the aforementioned Sith powers to destroy everyone. His teammate doesn't have Sith powers, so he was sadly left behind. Now, he has won 2 races, but rumor has it that his Sith powers are waning.
[edit] Off track controversy
Despite an fairly decent early record in record breaking, Hamilton has been followed by off track controversy for much of his debut year.
In July of 2007, Hamilton reportedly made a pass at teammate Fernando Alonso. The fallout led to the spy scandal ruling, where by the FIA found Alonso had discussed Ferrari secrets over email with test driver De La Rosa. Alonso was apparently trying to discuss setups with everyone, but Hamilton took it the wrong way every time he mentioned stiff suspension parts and ride height.
Towards the end of the season, Lewis's affair with Ronnie Dennis became public when Alonso accidentally walked in on them. Lewis has reportedly smoothed things over and is continuing the relationship with James Allen's blessing, cuckolding James Allen. But Max Mosely was jealous so he kicked Ronnie out of F1 only to find Hamilton had dumped Ronnie for Sutil anyway.
[edit] The Sith Conspiracy
As usual with all highly talented sports stars there are a number of rumors flying around about Lewis. The most interesting of which is that he is a Sith. The evidence for this includes:
- His name contains exactly the same amount of letters as Luke Skywalker and, more importantly, "I'm really a Sith". Suspicious, huh?
- He has amazing Sith-like reactions, the likes of which an ordinary person could never attain, and therefore these must come from the power of the force.
- The crash of Robert Kubica on lap 26 of the Canadian Grand Prix could only have been caused by the force pushing his car of off the track. As Alonso was pitting at the time, he received a ten second penalty. Lewis obviously instigated this. Only a strong and evil user of the force could do this.
- When he was nine, Lewis approached McLaren F1 team boss Ron (Ronnie to his friends) Dennis and told him, "I'm going to race for you one day. I'm going to race for McLaren". Suspiciously two years later he was signed to Mclaren. What eyewitnesses failed to notice was the small hand wave, which must be included in all force mind control maneuvers.
- He was also once seen slashing a jedi with a red lightsaber, but this proof was not taken into court, as it could have easily been Ally McBeal instead of Lewis Hamilton, according to eyewitnesses. Ally McBeal refused to comment on this controversy.
