Lewd Acts of the Apostles
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“My old religious instuction teacher could quote you Lewd Acts backwards...”
As part of the New Testament Apocrypha Lewd Acts of the Apostles was a popular book within the Bible amongst early Christians. It is thought by Biblical Scholars to have been first written between 65 and 100 AD. The book remained a standard part of the New Testament until the First Council of Nicaea in 325AD when it was removed due to Constantine's dislike of the word "buttocks".
The Book of Lewd Acts is actually a collection of several stories, with most beginning shortly before the Pentecost. It is almost universally agreed that the author of Lewd Acts also wrote the Gospel of St Ignatius. It tells primarily of the Apostles, and the lewd acts which they performed in attempts to garner followers.
It begins with the following passage:
|“||And so it was that the Apostles, filled with the Holy Spirit and a sudden onset of lust caused by abnormal amounts of mercury in their drinking water, began to seek out followers with whom they could share their beds, or at the very least their wooden dildos...||”|
While most of the stories contained within the Book of Lewd Acts were originally removed from the bible, many were reintegrated into other parts. One such example is Revelations 22:7, which consists of a slightly modified quote from Jesus, which originally said "Behold, I cum quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the faith while he waits for orgasm."
The Last Bachelor Party
Studied by Biblical Scholars and imagined by scores of artists from Medieval times to the modern world, the Last Bachelor Party is generally regarded as the most honest accounting of last partying of Jesus Christ.
|“||For it was Luke, the purest of heart who agreed that his Lord should be feted with wine and nourishment to the body and the soul enough to suffice him for the trials ahead, and thus the others agreed to make the arrangements. Unto to this supper, He was brought and seated at the center of the table, with his closest friends to his left and his right. And the fruit of the wine was served and a passing of the pipe resulted in the relaxation of formalities when Mark called out "unto to him I sayeth, let us get this party started." And it came to pass that there was a loud pulsing downbeat in the room and the strongest wine was served. And onto the table crawled a woman whose name was Judith Priest and she commenced to to dance first upon the table, and then in His lap... and when she was done He said simply "Most excellent."||”|
The Last Bachelor Party is best remembered as an insight into the Early Church's view of the Communion Rite, including an alternative interpretation of the "eat of my flesh" Biblical quotation.
The Masochism of Simon, the Zealot
One of the most prominent and widely quoted books within Lewd Acts is that of The Masochism of Simon the Zealot. Master Eckhart, in his sermon on Sin and Redemption, quoted exclusively from The Masochism, stating that it was a template for all men to follow that allowed for a personal and immediate relationship with God.
|“||And so it came to pass that it was Simon, the most loyal to Jesus combed the streets until he happened upon a great commotion. And upon seeing the crowd and hearing their voices, Simon climbed upon the steps of the VII XI only to witness his Lord, Jesus Christ stumble with the burden of the cross and fall to the ground. And Simon was enraged. And then Simon saw the Roman's lash raise and rear back and brought down upon the flesh of Simon's Lord Jesus. And Simon cried out for his Lord was in pain. And again the lash was raised and it sliced through the air. And again, Simon cried out, only unto this time because Simon found his heart enraged and his loins aglow. And Simon, the Zealot soon found that he longed to take the place of his Lord, not to spare him from the pain of the lash, but so Simon himself should enjoy it for his own exquisite and degrading pleasure.||”|
And just as Simon reveled in pain of the lash, so too many modern-day Catholics continue to focus on the format of the Stations of the Cross as a method to attain spiritual and sexual release. Through meditating upon the chief scenes of Christ's sufferings it has long been held that true adherents may suffer a "little death".
Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John
The root of this act is believed to be the Golden Rule, which commands that one should "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
|“||Into the world the brethern of Jesus went after their Lord ascended to heaven. And they were sad for Jesus had left them, but glad because he now sat at the right hand of God. Wandering aimlessly, they hoped for direction until they found a garden in the desert and bedded down for the night. And it was Matthew who first found his needs undeniable, and he commenced to quietly wrestle with the beast, however his struggle soon awakened Mark, Luke and John who saw before them a turgid monster of undeniable size causing their brother great strife. And it was Luke, the quietest of the three watching the struggle who acted first and lent Matthew his hand. And astonished was he, as Luke put his hand under Matthew's thigh. And John then reached in too, and cupped the eggs of man and coddled them, soothing them from their angry state. And then Mark reached into his satchel and withdrew the amphora, poured the thick fluid unto his hands and anointed the full length of Matthew's mighty staff with the holy oils which he worked into the possessed flesh well. The three ministered to suffering Matthew until the monster released its fury upon all four men who found themselves anointed in the fluid as well. And Matthew said, "why my brothers did thee enter into this covenant with me?" and it was Luke who as he opened his robes said, "Our Lord asked that we 'do unto others as we would have done unto us' and now it is my turn for you to do into me."...||”|
Indeed during one of the many Church Sex Scandals of 2000, one Boston, Massachusetts priest attempted to introduce the Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John into evidence for himself, and was thus found not guilty of having an affair with an underage organ grinder's monkey.
Miracle of the Girlie-Mag
As Paul travelled amongst the people, he detailed a number of miracles that he had vaguely heard about, mostly second-hand tales from people who knew someone who knew Jesus personally.
|“||As evening came nigh, the disciples approached to Him and said, "It is getting late, and the crowds are writhing and they demand a pound of flesh. Send them away, that they may find pornography." And Jesus replied to them, "They do not need to go away. You shall give them pornography to look at." And his disciples said, "But we have only a single copy of PlayGoy" "Bring it here to me," he commanded. And he directed the assembled crowds to sit down on the grass. Then looking up to heaven, he took the girlie-mag and broke it into many pages, and gave it to those assembled. And the number that used the girlie-mag was about five thousand, and they looked upon the pictures of Mary Magdalene baring her forearms, and they groaned with pleasure, and were satisfied.||”|
Letters to the Sodomites
Many a topic of many a sermon by many a preacher revolves around Paul's Letters to the Sodomites. Perhaps the most well-known letter is the third, which Paul begins as such:
|“||Brothers and sisters, and androgynous occupiers of that middle ground which arouses me in such marvelous ways, please receive my thanks. For you, my friends, have helped to free my soul, or, less indirectly, my schlong. Indeed, they were true, the words you spoke to me, about the spiritual beauty of asphyxiation. And so, I bestow unto you my thanks, with the hope in my heart that I can repay your kindnesses by leading you to the path of God, or at the very least by showing you some new positions.||”|
Eventually, Paul's letters take a turn for the submissive, although not before he expresses his great hope "that you, my brothers and sisters, will take the Lord's word into your life, just as you have taken my member into your many orifices." Paul would later be martyred when he was beaten to death by a stone representation of the great pagan god Priapus.
Lewd Acts within Popular Culture
|“||Abraham felat Isaac; and Isaac felat Jacob; and Jacob felat Judas and his brethren, and Judas felat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares felat Esrom; and Esrom felat Aram; and Aram buggered Aminadab...||”|
- It has been announced that a film version of the Lewd Acts of the Apostles is to be released in 2009 co-written, co-produced and co-directed by Mel Gibson. Described as his most shocking work since 1990s "Bird On A Wire" which featured Goldie Hawn, it will star Jenna Jameson and Buck Naked, among others.
- The Feast of the Immaculate Contraception has become long since become dogma within the Catholic Church. In 1858, teenage French nympette Bernadette of Lourdes is believed to have seen a vision of Mary, Mother of God, with a crown of stars and nipple rings, as described in Lewd Acts of the Apostles 21:12.
- Johnny Cash's 1963 hit "Ring of Fire" is believed to be based on Lewd Acts of the Apostles 4:1-22.