From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I don't go that way. You really think so, don't you?”1989, the U.S. government began testing ideas for a new brand of super-soldier, in a project labeled Operation: Pot Gold. This soldier was designed to be faster, stronger, more agile, and more determined than a normal soldier would be able to handle while remaining sane. This "super-soldier" became known as The Leprechaun. Yet, as could be expected any time one tries to defy reality, the project did not succeed. Yes, the operation did create a man with extraordinary abilities. The man was fast, strong and intelligent. However, the need for agility compressed his body into a petite shape. The extra hormones used to create his strength caused his body to become odd, deformed, and discolored, to the point that he was almost inhuman. Worst of all, the extreme levels of determination forced into his mind made him dangerously unstable, causing him to become insane, and to believe that he was Irish..
Tragically, none of the officials in Operation: Pot Gold survived to tell about the calamity. The only solid facts uncovered were expressed in a near-destroyed tape recorder left over at the Raynbau Military Center in Little Rock, Arkansas. This recorder had to be forcibly removed from a crushed scientist, whose hand had been fused to it. While most of the recording was indecipherable, a few select statements were able to be made out:
“It was so simm--- He would be better, faster, stronnnn--- We had plans worked out and everything. It was perrr--- Shit. Oh shirrrr--- The little green bastard---Oh God--- What have we dorrn--- e's comirrrn--- Jones? Jones? Oh no, Jone--- You killed Jorrrrn--- You little fuckrrr--- Die!--- Oh no, shit, oh no--- Hellll--- Ahhhrhrrrrr---”
The final statements were filled with explosions, disturbing sizzles, distant screams, and excruciatingly cruel laughter, followed by white noise. Apparently, this "soldier" was small, green, and had great destructive power, or at least enough power to kill or greatly injure this so-called Mr. Jones (identity unknown). Yet, not all of the information may have been accurate, for the man referred to the creature as a bastard, even though it was apparent that he was not a product of the previous experiment, Operation: Little Bastard. Even the greatest minds were unable to decipher whether or not the person recording the message actually survived the attack.
The creature vanished shortly after the catastrophe at the lab, only to reappear again exactly one year later. He was discovered by a local man in Houston, Alabama, who had the following to say about his find:
“Well, I done saw this little guy, bout half my size, and he was wearing some ugly-ass green stuff. Just about freaked the shit right out my pants. Of course, I called the police as soon as I could, but they were acting like a bunch of jackasses, saying shit like, 'Sir, that's a little person. He's not some sort of creepy monster. He is not going to hurt you. Don't throw stuff at him.' They all a bunch of idiots, I tell you what.”
Coincidentally, this local's discrimination turned out to be beneficial. After repetitive 911 calls, a police car came to the scene. This creature had somehow altered his appearance to fit that of a human, yet he was still oddly-sized and still possessed his unnatural abilities. As the police arrived, expecting to fine the discriminatory local, the Leprechaun approached quickly, spitting an odd, green acid into their faces. All of the abilities of this creature had not yet been discovered, but this appearance-alteration and acidic-repulsion led to the belief that this Leprechaun might have been more of a threat than anyone could have imagined.
Of course, things only got worse. This leprechaun had strange powers, and he used them to begin recruiting others. He had the power and the gold that they wanted, and he was more than willing to share. The recruits became know as "The Green Party," and as more and more people's greed took over, their population grew. A recording of one of the Leprechaun's speeches was captured by an undercover officer at an undisclosed location. Translated as best as possible from whatever language it was speaking, it included:
“They have anguished us for too long time! They know of not what our torture is! We must follow their rainbows to fuck their golden pot! Green is the new black death! It's magically fucking delicious!”
Whether or not the listeners understood the speech is unclear, but the "Green" followers (perhaps excited by the loud incoherent shouting) began to cheer. With the party growing rapidly, it had seemed as if there was a disaster on its way, but as time continued, the following seemed to diminish, until all or almost all of the Green Party was deceased, imprisoned, or both. As a solitary killer, he continued to wreak havoc, until October 8, when the U.S. Secretary of defense reported, "Yes, we have captured the Leprechaun. The country is safe once more." While the answers as to where, when, or how the Leprechaun was captured remained unrevealed, much of the country began to return to normal.
Many people throughout the country have claimed to have had questionable "Leprechaun sightings" since the capture of the leprechaun. Frequent reports were made to high-ranking military leaders by soldiers claiming that the Leprechaun may be serving under the U.S. army. Many 911 calls have been made by people claiming that they had seen the Leprechaun. While some have been rather ridiculous (claiming that they saw the Leprechaun in their black pudding, that the Leprechaun was stealing cereal from some children, that the Leprechaun was sitting next to them at the bar, or that they witnessed a Leprechaun violently murdering their neighbor), one call from a woman in New York has been rather controversial:
“What the fuck?!? I thought this was supposed to be under control! I... I just saw the Leprechaun. He was *sobbing* beating my husband with a... a... I don't know what it was. Something Irish, and green. He carved a four-leaf clover into my husband's fucking chest! Fucking government assholes! Please help! I have proof that he's still loose! *Irish-accented chuckles in the background* Did you hear that? It's him! He's back! HELP!!!”
Fortunately, the woman was not harmed, though her home was trashed with clovers scattered all around. When asked about the call, unconvinced government officials claimed that the woman had suffered from a state of hysteria, and her information could not be accurately confirmed, despite the Leprechaun's condemning DNA evidence found on her husband's wound. The woman is currently in a sanitarium, and U.S. national defense leaders have claimed such confidence in their capture methods that they refuse to check the storage facility that the Leprechaun was supposedly kept in.
The Green Party is currently alleged to serve as the presidential party of terrorist-supporters, though, because of the immensely little amount of action made, many assume that the party no longer exists.
The U.S. government plans to continue working on controversial and possibly dangerous experiments, although multiple officials have been quoted claiming that they are assured that there will be no negative results.
By order of the United States Department of Defense, this document shall be destroyed by burning on November 12, 1995, eliminating the only way that it can read again by anyone.
- ↑ The results of this operation were confidential as well, and its discovery by the public led to the Bastardation Bill of 1975.
- ↑ A confidential source claimed the cop's alleged intent of "beating the bloody hell out of the stupid hillbilly," but the validity of the statement is currently unknown.
- ↑ When the bodies were discovered later that day, they contained a trace amount of urine, which, shockingly, did not match the recorded DNA of the Leprechaun.
- ↑ To correct the previous statement, he did not "share," as much as "trick and force the mindless citizens to become his minions."
- ↑ Further research shows that many of the listeners may have been intoxicated through multiple methods, including, but not limited to, alcohol, heroin, cocaine, and bratwurst.
- ↑ See previous reference for explanation.
- ↑ Eventually, a law was created, banning little people from serving in the U.S. army, though many continued to serve through the controversial "Don't ask, don't tell" policy.
- ↑ more often than not under the influence