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“When you're Russian to find a ruler, there's no time for Stalin!”
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
Leon Thinkshessocoolovich Trotsky,
☭ $ (Russian: Leo Tolstoy, Cyrillic:Адольф Бронштейнович Рабинович) was the mangenitor of the Hyphy Movement, and he may also have been a revolutionary, an army general, a prolific writer, an intellectual, a Coprophilia, a horse and a polyamorist specializing in Mexican painters and Finnish peasants. However, his greatest legacy is his philosophy of permanent factionalism and bestiality. He also, despite having a resistance to women, is very weak against the weapon Strapon.
The Birth of Permanent Factionalism
While in Vienna, Trotsovski changed his name to Leon Trotsky in order to "attract more rebel girls", according to one of his many autobiographies. Since most of the cool Bohemian chicks were into socialism, Trotsky boned up on Marx and became a zealot, as was all the rage at the time. He wrote in another one of his dozens of autobiographies.
With other exiles from tsarist Russia across Europe, Trotsky formed the Russian Social Democratic Revolutionary Labor-Peasant Dockside Cold Blooded Necrophilia Killaz [Internationalist], a youth gang, with communist and crip associates like Lenin, Stalin, and comrade Coolio who was on tour there at the time.. He presented his thesis "Toward Permanent Factionalism" at the Second Congress of the RSDRL-PPDCBK[I] in early 1903, but some confusion has arisen, because by late 1903 the party had already become the International Socialist Third Street and Grant Boulevard Gangsta Disciples [Don't Play no Bullshit] (ISTSGBGD[DPB]). The change was due to a dispute with ex-member Comrade Snoop Dogg who reportedly "spat game" at Trotsky's woman so he cold shot that mothafucka. It was due to this instance, and his continued misogyny that Snoop converted to Stallin' ism. Trotsky summarized his theory thusly: "A political organization must maintain its ideological purity by ensuring all of its members engage in group-think at all times. In the face of deviation the Pure must resort to liquidationism if in the majority, or factional splitting if in the minority." Amid cries of "nonsense," Trotsky's proposal was defeated. He promptly split the party and took the Menshevik wing with him, leaving the Bolsheviks to do their own thing. Two months later, dissatisfied with the direction of the Mensheviks, Trotsky and his followers split to form the Bolshevik-Mensheviks, and, later still, the Menshevik-Bolshevik-Mensheviks. Money=Capital=Money. By the time the Russian Revolutions rolled around in 1917, historians estimate there were 967 revolutionary Marxist groups in Tsarist Russia.
The Russian Revolution
Trotsky, being a smartypants and all, had a caveat antithesis to his central theory of Permanent Factionalism which he called Permanent Regroupment. "Under conditions of revolution, when the proletariat are about to seize power, all revolutionary factions should reunite to act as a Vanguard leading the proletariat to victory." In November 1917, 967,556,124,675,345,871,187,542,123,999,021,122,547,967,954,345 revolutionary Marxist groups, representing (as quoted from Trotsky's The Life That Belongs to Me) "at least 345,346,465,999,233,324,774,221 people", joined together to topple the Provisional Government.
Trotsky took command of a hockey team called the Red Army and turned them into a real army. Half of his soldiers even got to use guns instead of hockey sticks. All were required to wear some form of red cloth on the left side (yeah, that'z the crip side). Trotsky was a successful general, fending off imperialist-capitalist invader meanies and assorted royal scum in the name of the Revolution. Along the way, he also rolled up on Nestor Makhno and straight wasted those fools. "Mahkno the Perogy-Chucking Clown" was a former rival of Trotsky, and the bitterness between the two men had never subsided.
Trotsky's OG Hoo-ride
Like other Russian generals, Trotsky rocked a dope-ass command train. Unlike those fake-ass, busta-ass playa hatas, though, Trotsky's was straight balla. He had 50" rims on that shit, and like the biggest dang flowmasters I'd ever seen up in this, that shit could toot like a Sevastopol hooker.
The inspiration for Trotsky's train were Mexican lowriders (he learned about them using his uncanny yet leet future-sensing abilities), which he touted as an "essentially revolutionary proletarian reaction to bourgeois White tsarist hot-rods, such as those currently being rolled in by Denikin and Wrangel, those bitch-ass mothafuckas. We bang it on the left side.. YERRRRDMEH? We don't play that shit. Throw them Gs up." Unfortunately all pictures of the train were destroyed when they were acquired by Mac Dre as blueprints for his yellow dummy retarded bus. The pictures currently belong to Jim Jarmusch who doesn't give a walking fuck, much less a flying fuck.
Expulsion and Exile
After the Civil War ended, Trotsky settled down with several wives in several Moscow suburbs while he wrote several memoirs. He even sired at least one legitimate child, JR "Bob" Trotsky, who later went on to fame as a vacuum cleaner salesman in Murmansk. In 1924 his old drinking buddy Lenin kicked the bucket. Shortly before his death he authored a tome entitled "The Future of the Leadership of the Revolutionary Proletarian Vanguard Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics Following My Untimely Expiration From Syphilis." In it, he stated "Comrade Stalin is a smelly hog who wallows in his own decaying excrement. If he is not removed from the leadership of the Party, the Workers' and Peasants' and Laborers' and Freeloaders' Rapists' and Science Teachers' state will also wallow in decaying excrement, as he will unleash a river of diarrhea so foul it will engulf all. Except cool people like me, we're too cool for shit like that to happen to us. Haha, get the pun? Shit?" Lenin went on to praise Trotsky, noting his "absurd sense of humor, popularity amongst women comrades and his belief in the multi-party State. Trotsky also grooms himself much better than Stalin, whose moustache smells like six-day old cabbage water." Presumably, these virtues are genetic characteristics of Judaism. Stalin, however, had a nefarious following of psychopathic goons who plotted a silent coup through violence, intimidation and blackmail. The latter was Trotsky's undoing.
At the Sixth Annual Congress of the Supreme Revolutionary Workers Socialist Soviet (or SRWSS), Trotsky was elected HNIC of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, People's Commissar of People's Inspectors of Wheat, and Mayor of the Soviet Socialist Federated Revolutionary City of Moscow, however, the results where rigged by Stalin, who won (to the horror of all in the Kremlin). Shrewdly fearing for his life, Trotsky and his faction, the Revolutionary Left Opposition Tendency of the Left Opposition faction of the Soviet Revolutionary Communist Party of the Soviet Union, split. He kicked around all over Europe and North America, living in New York, Berlin, Halifax, London, Paris, Mexico City, Barcelona, Cleveland, Peoria, Bolivia, Tijuana, Petetoria, Sealand, Miami and, finally, Hollywood.
In a bold move designed to show the world the definition of true Socialist Internationalist Pimpery, Trotsky broke away from the Communist Party with only his contingent of whores. Amazingly, Trotsky's bitches were 60% of the Party, and his breakaway faction, All Russia Party All The Time [Juz Me n' Ma Hoez] (ARPATT[JMMH]), for a time held a majority in the Soviet Congress. This move ended up being a mistake, however, as his hoes bickered and split up over, in the words of Too Short who was in Russia to smoke a blunt with Trotsky at the time, "Ho shit."
Trotsky called upon his followers to enter the largest socialist organizations in their country, recruit new members to their factions, and split the parties. "In this exercise we shall see the rise of Permanent Factionalism re-solidify the ideological basis of Pure Marxism." They were so successful in France they managed to break away from the Revolutionary Socialist Labor International Peoples' Party with a staggering 41 members. This didn't last long, however, as the Revolutionary Left Opposition Tendency of the French Revolutionary Socialist Labor International Peoples' Party splintered into seven smaller groups, all of which are still active in France today, where they produce and sell newspapers and pamphlets about Permanent Factionlism to students at protest demonstrations.
Trotsky's life in exile was sometimes rough, however. Some of his host countries weren't fond of communists, especially former army generals who preached open revolution against the established government. It did become fashionable in certain liberal social circles to have Trotsky about. For some time he was the toast of Manhattan. "Back then, every debutante wanted a Trotsky," wrote Dorothy Parker. "So did every foul-mouthed hard-drinking open-legged broad like me." He was never able to stay anywhere very long, as he was convinced Stalin hired assassins to stalk him wherever he went. Psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich judged Trotsky "clinically paranoid."
Leonard Zelig, a member of Trotsky's entourage and Junior Central Committee Member of the New York Chapter of the International Revolutionary Workers Communist Left Opposition Party, wrote of this time in Trotsky's life. "His paranoia started getting really weird. He started drinking all the time and cavorting about with this three hundred pound brown gorilla he called his attorney, when in actual fact he was just a lunatic acting as Leon's bodyguard. They used to eat all manner of exotic drugs; laudanum, opium, cocaine from Vienna, Jefferson hemp, you name it. He carried firearms with him at all times, and when he'd get high he'd start shooting up the radio. Sometimes Leon and his attorney would disappear for several days, worrying the comrades. They'd always come back loaded. He had trouble making a living because he missed pretty much every copy deadline with every one of the 4,242 left-wing magazines he wrote for."
Trotsky's Ukraine Conspiracy
Recently discovered documents show that Leon Trotsky had a secrete plot to incite Ukrainian Socialists to attack the Soviet Union as a way of A: Saving the proletarian revolution from bureaucratic corruption, and B: Getting back at that jerk wad Stalin (also, do remember that Trotsky grew up there, thus has probably had developed a fondness for the land, and seems to have regretted his not starting over there instead).
Stalin, accidentally stumbling upon this plot after another paranoid mumbling session, burned Ukraine's crops and randomly shot a few thousand people in a manner similar to Caligula. This of course was merely the beginning. As he made it a point to eat whatever food he could get in front of the hungry Ukrainians. Often taking brief moments to order Beria to begin to massacre another Ukrainian Village.
Comrade Stalin, the glorious leader of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was none too fond of Trotsky. To demonstrate his unimpressedness, he is thought to have demanded Trotsky's assassination, although some historians believe what he actually asked for was a plate of cream crackers, lightly fried, and arranged with a small lobster. It was hard to tell which because of the aforementioned paranoid mumbling. But anyway, an assassin was promptly dispatched to arrive the next morning, nicely wrapped in floral paper with a large bow, at Trotsky's yurt in the Mongolian steppes. However Trotsky was quite the slippery little trout. Trotsky was gone and the assassin, somewhat disconcerted, had to give up and shoot himself instead.
Trotsky had secretly in last minute moved to Tibet, where it is rumored he had planned to go into hiding as a Buddhist monk. Trotsky had finally come out of the closet and to the conclusion that all worldly ambitions ware futile, but still found himself having it hard reach enlightenment due to his obsession with historical materialism. While walking in the snow near the monastery Och Chuang Tzein, Trotsky so annoyed the chief Llama Sharon Stone with never-ending questions on his own newly invented field of spiritual dialectics that she crept out and straddled and killed him with the ice axe, supplied by one disgruntled Spanish guy working under Fransisco Franco. After the annexation of Tibet in the early 50's, the PLA found Trotsky's skull and donated it to glorious leader Mao Zedong to drink blood out of, though in practice it was used as an ashtray and urinal.
It is said that Trotsky reached the state of samadhi just before he left his body, thus making him also one of the greatest western seekers in the Buddhist llama tradition.
However, Stalin decided that having Trotsky killed by a Hammer would have been more symbolic and so had all photos and documents that said otherwise destroyed and replaced with others that confirmed what he said.
Trotsky's activities and writing were cut back drastically when he died. He also lost much of his political career at this point. Unlike Rasputin and Jesus, or his good friend Tupac he had no post-death aspirations for a come back.
Although he has had a moderately successful Run with the Magazine: Trotsky Shoot.
The Legacy of Permanent Factionalism
Trotsky started the fourth International with his three good friends Ernest Mandel, Ted Grant and Inspector Closeau. The aim was to unify all communist all over the world into one gigantic political organization big enough to stand up against Stalin. Mandel soon broke out to build his own fourth international to unify all the intellectuals in the world under his flag, while Ted Grant joined the labor party in order to organize up a fourth international of his own working inside of labor. Trotsky the found himself left alone with Inspector Closeau when he decided to call it a day.
It was later discovered that it was not their different political views that caused the factionalism, but their hats.
Mensheviks wore a large fur hat and considered themselves superior to Bolsheviks who wore a simple common man's cap. Trotskyites tried to use the large fur hat but were beaten up by the Mensheviks, led by Manny "The Menace" Menshevik, who stole their hats and kicked them in the balls. This caused Trotsky to change to backward baseball hats, but he was before his time and the style did not take off. Most of his members left Trotsky and defected to the Mensheviks because they wore the best hats and that got them laid. Depressed, Trotsky gave up political writing and instead wrote pornographic novels about women making love to him while wearing fur hats. This naturally led to his next endeavor as a pimp.
Trotskyites can still be found today. In Britain they can be found meeting in tiny little huddles at universities and in the upstairs rooms of working men's clubs. You might even be fortunate enough to spot one at your Trade Union meeting, ranting and raving about Marx and Trotsky like hes the boss of everything. Due to the legacy of Permanent Factionalism the various sub-species of Trotskyites can be hard to tell apart, but here is a quick guide:
The Socialist Workers Party (Borgeoirus Aggressivus) can usually be found in streets and shopping centres aggressively looking for recruits and subscriptions to their stupid newspaper. They are the largest and most dangerous of the species, and are easily startled by the presence of "nart-zees" and their own reflections.
The Alliance for Workers Liberty (Champagnia Socialistica) are on the verge of exstinction, with only around 70 left in the wild. May have something to do with their policy of 'sexual freedom' for paedophiles (seriously, this is NOT a joke, they ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS!)
The Socialist Party (Proletarius Propagandus) perhaps the most working class of all sub-species. These people spend most of their time pining for the time when they were part of the Labour Party and had a whole 3 MPs (known within the group as 'the MP3 era')
The Scottish Socialist Party (Proletarius Propagandus Scottia) as above, but with ginger hair and skirts.
The Communist Party of Great Britain (Orthodoxus Stalinica) A seldom-seen and long-thought to be extinct sub-group which. by some unknown quirk of evolution, is able to produce a daily newspaper
- Glorious First Peoples' Comrade Among the People Josef Stalin
- The Undead People's Socialist Republic
- Leon Trotsky Fans