From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| This article is probably much too highbrow for your petit-bourgeois sense of humor. Don't expect vulgar crackings-up or sophomoric non-sequiturs.
Relax with your pipe, sip your brandy and chuckle delightedly as you read. If the sophisticated witticisms continue to confound you, Uncyclopedia invites you to click the following hyperlink to this article about poopoo.
In Germany he was a onetime student of such noted German philosophers as Edmund Husserl and Martin Heidegger and a contemporary of Hannah Arendt and Carl Schmitt. For some reason, probably related to Arendt leaving him for Heidegger and Schmitt making fun of his romantic problems, he left Germany and moved to Paris, then America.
edit Life in America and Esoteric Reading
Here he spent his time being an everyday, run-of-the-mill German philosopher, giving impenetrable lectures to students, writing unintelligible articles about Dead White European Thinking Men and generally engaging in fanatical obscurantism. Against all odds, his network of pupils developed a hang to armed sabbaticals in foreign countries. Being Jewish, he also studied Maimonides and world domination. However, listening to a Robert Johnson record due to the singer's sympathy with the lying and cheating ways of low-down women, he accidentally switched the wires of the turntable and played the record backwards, revealing Johnson's Esoteric message of Satanism and standing in crossroads at midnight. Intrigued by this duplicity, Strauss applied this to Maimonides and was shocked to discover that, read backwards and rendered into basic Hebrew alpha-numeric-code, the Guide to the Perplexed was, Esoterically, the greatest Kabbalistic tome of Jew-Magick ever assembled, and also had some nifty stuff to say about politics that he could write a book about.
Strauss applied this strategy of Esoteric interpretation to every book he could lay his hands on: Al-Farabi, Spinoza, Hobbes and a lot of dialogues of Plato that nobody else bothers to read. The exoteric (Straussian for 'obvious') meaning of Strauss's studies on these thinkers is that, shockingly, Spinoza and Hobbes are atheists and Plato actually likes sodomy. Strauss even discovered highly-specified written instructions from Niccolo Machiavelli to the Founding Fathers, Josef Stalin and Richard Nixon when he applied lemon juice to the middle pages of The Prince, warmed it, and held it up to the light. (This was a remarkable feat of scholarship considering he couldn't work off the now-standard Mansfield translation.) One Machiavelli message about Iraq believed at the time to have been addressed to a future President of the United States, Esoteric scholars now generally agree, was intended for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But if Strauss's own techniques of Esoteric reading are applied to Strauss's own work, one discovers that everything he says is a code for the message 'All Your Base are Belong to Strauss,' which would mean that by harnessing the power of the Kabbalah, Greek Theurgy and Arab Alchemy, Strauss has taken over the world, ever-so Esoterically.
edit World Domination
The key to this was Strauss's creation, with the help of his personal Alcibiades, Allan Bloom, of the two most important and masterfully created golems since Moses Mendelssohn killed off the last golems and their masters with his Enlightenment superpowers of skepticism and assimilation. The whole scheme was conceived on at a particularly drunken Purim symposium during which Bloom and Strauss attempted to out-Jew each other with schemes of world domination. By combining their ideas when sober, they conceived of the greatest conceivable puppets for the Philosopher-King to use. Rather than being traditional golems made out of earth, mindless, and inscribed with something suitably pious, they were constructed of schmaltz, matzo balls and the blood of a gentile, namely a very young Francis Fukuyama, endowed with human cunning and human bodies, and inscribed with Yiddish translations of most of Beyond Good and Evil. The unorthodoxy of the operation was enhanced by the use of Al-Farabi's esoteric formula of the elixir of life to make the damned things' hearts beat. The first, named Dick Cheney and given a false past and social security number by Strauss's friends in the Zionist conspiracy, had an inordinate proportion of schmaltz in his fixings that may have led to the golem's subsequent 'health problems.' The second, anti-christened Donald Rumsfeld, corrected this problem. They were bound to Strauss's control by blood obtained from Paul Wolfowitz's mohel and various bits of Jew-Magick obtained from esoteric interpretation of Maimonides's glosses to obscure books of midrash.
The rest, as they say, is the End of History.
Some have attributed Strauss's students influence over the current administration entirely to the supposedly dangerous nature of his ideas. That modern Demosthenes, Lyndon LaRouche, is among them, and he alone appreciates the overtly Zionist nature of the conspiracy, but neither his conspiracy theories nor those of some Canadian chick can fully account for Strauss's influence without a proper appreciation of his Esoteric teachings.
edit See Also
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|