From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Full name||Leixões Sport Club|
|Nickname(s)||Zerois do Mar,|
Sea Turtles Sinking
|Founded||1907, current top-league|
|Ground||Estádio do Marred Lives,|
|Capacity||8,100, increased to 20,000|
when playing V.Guimarães
|Chairman||José Fonseca Carlos Oliveira|
|Manager||Vítor José Vítor da Vítor Oliveira|
Leixões Sport Club is a soccer team from Matosinhos, Portugal. They advertise that they play tennis, cricket and basketball, but the only sport they play half-decently is football. Their fans differ from most other Portuguese clubs in actually attending games. Leixões is the most successful European club ever from the third division, after the teams in Portugal's top two divisions sat out 2000 for fear of being tackled.
edit The glory years
Back in the 1980s, Leixões were considered a half-decent team, them being in the top league and all. Of course, since everyone had eyes for only the three big teams (as has been true throughout history), Leixões never got noticed languishing in mid-table. Despite that obscurity, this was the best period in Leixões' history: They were not doing anything bad enough for sports writers to notice.
edit Depths - II Divisão
On-field mediocrity had its costs, however, and in 2001 Leixões hit the abysmally small time of the II Divisão. Many of the second-division teams celebrated this demotion, as it would attract crowds at their games and revenue at the chourizo concessions. Their stay in the II Divisão was prolonged to help the smaller clubs, as the league snuck them cash to support their Liga-level expenses. The league also tried to hold down the Matosinhos club, ending with the notorious incident against Real SC in the playoffs. Everyone remembers league officials distracting Leixões players and parodying the Leixões logo by hitting a blow-up basketball around the stadium with a cricket bat. Eventually, the referees resorted to the clichéd yet effecive method of stripping to deprive Leixões of victory.
Soon enough, however, Leixões were promoted one step back up, to the Liga de Honra. Their mission was, in their own words, "to show these no-life Algarve idiots and Aveirenses gits how to play football."
As the season went on, Leixões came close to being promoted to the Liga, which decided it would cut back on its promotions to "improve the integrity of the league." This was a big mistake, however, as pure crap still went up instead of Leixões, and more good teams came down than usual, leaving the Liga extremely weak.
edit Back to the big-time
In the 2006–07 season, Leixões finally returned to the Liga when Rio Ave choked. This provoked mass celebrations in Matosinhos, which only ended when top scorer Roberto Alcântara threw up over the side of the open-top bus, showering many fans with a substance that some say sold on eBay the next day for €9,000.
During the off-season, Leixões management realized it could hardly compete in the Liga. It went crawling north to Porto to beg for the loan of some players. Surprisingly, Porto agreed, provided Leixões protected them from the fans' daily riots. That guarantee lasted a bit less than two weeks.
Leixões' coaches have an unusual motivational technique: They all use a cricket bat as the stock punishment for slacking; five smashes to the face are administered for being out of position, ten in exceptional circumstances such as the goalkeeper coming out of the box. This is why many of Leixões' goalkeepers look as if they have just gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime.
Leixões also uses unusual playing tactics. Instead of the common 4-4-2, 4-5-1 and 4-3-3 formations, Leixões has recently adopted a unique 3-3-4 plan that ensures that no more than one of their players is back on defense at any time. The coaches have denied that this strategy is what caused Leixões' unprecedented 190-goals-against stat.
Leixões has made many forages into Europe. Unfortunately, many of these were just day-trips to neighboring Spain to ask to borrow some red muletas from bullfighters to make new kits, as Leixões could not afford the luxurious Stripe Kit Força used by most II Divisão clubs that wear stripes.
The most famous European campaign was in 2000, when Leixões entered the UEFA Cup despite being in the II Divisão. They actually progressed to the round of 32 as their first three opponents overlooked them completely, several times scheduling sauna appointments that extended into the first half of the match. By the time they got back, Leixões had typically scored once. During the second halves, Leixões kept every man on the line, even balancing the ball boys on top of the players to block the rain of shots. However, in the Round of 32, Olympiacos Piraeus decided to actually play them, and promptly won 7-0.
- ↑ This refers to their logo, of course; Leixões, like most Portuguese clubs, has no money for actual advertising.
- ↑ This franchise is now playing in a nearby junior-high-school conference.
- ↑ The president of Leixões was fined €1,000,000 for his comments by the LPFP afterwards. He said he was drunk at the time, though he is also drunk at all other times.
- ↑ Vítor Crapão, LPFP press release, 2006-04-05, page 1 (of 1; the LPFP can barely write in any language).