Leith

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“Tis comparable to the deepest dankest niches of hell”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leith

Ucarroll

A typical Leither, approach with extreme caution

Leith is apparently a part of Edinburgh (even though if you say that to a leither you will get stabbed).

History

Founded in 206 BC by the Romans, the Port of Leith has a long and checkered history.

However, when construction was near completion, the Romans started sustaining brutal attacks from the fierce Chavanatti Clan of Picts. As a result of this violence, the Romans realized it would be big mistake to try and hold onto this valuable shipping port.

After the Romans were forced to leave, the Chavanatti settled in and made Leith their own. Being as violent as they were, they soon developed a fierce and perfectly logical hatred of the Niddrie-anus Clan.

The Port of Leith was also used in 1503 to build the SS Great Michael. This was subsequently sold to The French in 1991 and is now their most up-to-date war weapon. With 4 masts, over 300 primitive guns, The Great Michael requires between 500 to 1000 men to operate it. With a top speed in excess of 20 MPH, the vessel is made entirely from ancient wood from the once-great local laburnum forests.

After a particularly turbulent last millennia or so, Leith remained an independent state right up until 1976 when, after a red telephone box was installed, it was made part of the British Empire.

Language

The main languages spoken in the Leith area are Schemie Radge , and Polish. These languages are almost changeable, so that those who speak either may have a slight understanding of the other, though this is subject to some debate. If you find yourself to be located in Leith and do not speak either of these langauges fluently, it is recommended to get yourself an interpreter immediately, as the Local speakers are known to be very unpredictable and the slightest attempt to communicate could be taken as a statement about their Mother, and violent murder of you would ensue.

If circumstances dictate that the finding of a translator is impossible. Here is a short guide you may use to try and get along:

Greetings

  • With no exceptions, all greetings should begin with one of the following, depending on context,
    • Awrite (followed by a brief nod, if both parties are male) - This should be used as a casual acknowledgement. Eye contact should be kept to a minimum, the reasons for which will be explored later.
    • If someone acknowleges , he/she is considered to be a "guid cunt"
    • Here Mate/Pal - This should be used as a greeting when you intend to ask for something from the subject. Also, against all Chav etiquette rules. After the utilisation of this phrase, eye contact may be made for several seconds at a time for the duration of that conversation.

Things to say after the greeting

    • Ken whaur the... - Do you know where the...
      • Bus Stope is - Bus stop is
      • Chippeh is - Chip shop is
      • Bookehs is - Betting Shop is
      • Charityshopeh is - Charity Shop is
      • Way oot ae here is - the way out of here is
      • Rehab gaff is-methadone clinic

How to tell you are in Leith

  • Nobody has been outwith 2 miles of where you're standing.
  • every shop is either a bookies or a charity shop
  • Everyone hates Niddrie.
  • There's a shite pub on most street corners.
  • There's a Greggs' on most other street corners.
  • Everyone talks to you as if you killed their Mother.
  • Most of the young women you encounter are indecently exposed. (Those who are not may not be natives and safe to approach. HOWEVER great precaution should be taken, as approach of a Leither woman may result in her partner beating you to a pulp, as is customary).
  • There are no telephones, just people shouting.

What to do if you are in Leith

Get the fuck out of Leith...Not as simple as it sounds. If you head west from a compass (Urban survival kit necessary) you will end up in Silverknowes. A vaugely nicer housing estate.

Firstly, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT! if you do you WILL die!

Secondly, Do not use the Queen's English as this will cause great anger and confusion to stir in all those within earshot.

What you have to do is find Leith walk, problem is if you ask for directions, you run the risk of being stabbed. Just find the long street and walk up there till you reach the Omni centre, once there you will get cared for and any injuries healed in the Refugee center.

If you cannot get out of Leith (the most likely of the two scenarios), then feel free to explore the sights of Leith.

Ocean Terminal

Built in 1999, when it was first opened, the people of Leith thought it was a demon and tried to get rid of it by praying to the sun, sacrificing rabbits and attacking it with sticks. However they soon realized the new shopping mall was a potential source of illegitimate income and started looting it.

In 2003 Ocean Terminal was reopened and the indigenous people taught the concept of trade. Ocean Terminal still accepts meat and furs as an alternative to money.

in 2006 the police discovered 300 pounds of weed in the back of HMV. The police gave them a choice - either close the store or half their prices. They closed down, but a year later they realised they could actually make money by selling shit cd's from artists like Rhianna and Keane, and decided to re-open.

Now ocean terminal is a worldwide site home to junkies, shoplifters, blue jacket security guards and incoming Toffs shopping at Marks and Spencers.

The Royal Yacht Belgrano

Originally intended for Belfast, this former Royal yacht was hijacked mid ocean and brought to Leith docks. You can now tour it at your pleasure and go on a guided tour in either English, Gaelic or Neddish.

As having you car nicked in Leith is an everyday occurrence, it also appears that having the propellers nicked off your yacht is not beyond the average thieving Leither either.

On the 7th June 2008, this is exactly what happened to Belgrano. It is still not known how Big Davie managed to source a spanner large enough to take them off, or how on earth he managed to transport the goliath props back to his lock-up in the boot of his Ford Sierra 1.6L. However, the rumours are that after flogging them on in a pub, he's managed to make enough 'earnings' to upgrade from a PS2 to a PS3 and buy a season ticket at Easter Road.

Leith Waterworld

Fun for all the Family!

  • Contract diseases from the jacuzzi.
  • Cut your toe on the many sharp objects that are on the pool floor.
  • Split your head open on the fast water rapids
  • Drown in the slide when one of the fat kids gets stuck.
  • Get crushed by the falling debris when one of the catacombs from the former Leith station collapses in upon itself.
  • Count the number of jobbies you see floating on the water.

Architectural Merit

For well over 1000 years now Leith has been home to several tower blocks, built by 'ye olde city cooncil' as a way of easing the overcrowding of housing in Bosnia, where in worst cases some 350 people would be sharing a 1 bedroom flat. The most notable tower block is Cables Wynd House, nicknamed "The Banana Flats" because of its former use as a monkey enclosure. It is a staggering 576 stories in height and weighs 5 stone 6 lbs. It took 4 hours to build and does not have running tap water from wednesday to monday.Mad rab the jannie offers conducted tours of the Banana flats for a 20 quid bagge-u can find him in 1 o the metal wheelie bins,located too the side o the flats.

Famous former Leith residents include:

  • Keith Chegwin (flat 63)
  • Tosh from 'The Bill' (flat 91)
  • Fred & Rose West (ground floor flat 2, with patio)
  • Gary Glitter (flat 12)
  • Barry & Paul Chuckle (flat 50)
  • Peter Tobin (flat 69)

Famous current residents include:

  • Arthur Daley (flat 63) - he swapped his maisonette in Wester Hailes for Keith Chegwin's flat.
  • Robert Carlisle (flat 87) - the man who isn't Robert Carlyle who played Begbie in Trainspotting.

Scottish Parliament

In order to celebrate the Leither individuality and to demonstrate that being a little (read: very very) chavy is really what being a Scot is all about, the Scottish Executive - now Government was opened in Leith. As you would expect Alex Salmond and his cohorts feel very much comfortable in their neighbourhood so that their ultimate goal - to transform the rest of Scotland to be a little more like Leith - will soon become true. As the British wider public will not be able to cope - this noble goal is widely taught as the aim for Scottish independence.

See also

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