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“I was tempted to suggest that the council put those blue urinal blocks everywhere, seeing as it is one large urinal in the first place. And men use urinals, don't they?”
The city Leicester (or Lesta) was founded in Roman times approximately 2000 years ago. Recognised as one of the most important settlements in the UK, Leicester has a rich and colourful history. Unfortunately this is all in the past.
Tourism & Commerce
Leicester has evolved much since its original intended foundations as a squirrel breeding haven safe from the hands of the Emperor and is today home to some of the most exciting tourist attractions and successful chains of pie shops and all squid family fast food restaurants, among other things. Thornley on toast is one of the various forms of the rare delicacy Thornley. It also comes in the form of Thornley in a bap and is highly regarded as one of the worlds best side dishes.
No-one actually visits Leicester unless they actually live there, most famous place of visit for tourists is Primark which provides job to third world countries and ensures they have fair pay. Primark also ensure that all Leicestarians look the same by providing them with skimpy clothes all priced less than 1p.
Leicester also has a very big problem with the teenagers that inhabit it. Especially with nothing to the in the summer, you might find a few bits of the outside of your household to have damage...And in the winter is nothing you want to see. But there are some good areas in Leicester, with no problems, but such poor areas such as Eyres Monsell, Saffron Lane, Thurnby Lodge and Highfields, definitely have problems.
Tourists flood into Leicester by the dozens every year to experience the excitement and adventure that is spending time in this great city. There are regular displays by the Leicestershire Sausage Owners Society and by nightfall at exactly twenty one minutes past eight, the various bars, nightclubs and cesspools that Leicester has to offer. A popular drink unique to the city is the locally brewed wonder, Clown Tears. Don't forget the pondering police force that roams the streets after midnight, controlling the drunk and wasted. Moral, don't stay out at late times. Especially in Leicester.
The most popular tourist attraction of the city is of course world the world famous Great Wall Of Bricks And Stones, and literally several people visit every year in order to experience the wonders of the superbly preserved ruins of a Roman multiplex cinema.
Leicester has a stunning town centre which offers shoppers a unique and satisfying experience to be remembered. Such trendy shops as Tesco Express line the streets, as well as the city's very own chain of clown-run fast food restaurants.
The latest fashions can be bought at Leicester's very own Debenhams department store, which is famed across the Empire for its vast floor dedicated to plaid shirts and the latest trends in plimsolls of the highest quality and value. There is also proper goth shops like Voodoo and Haze and stuff that sell grunger clothes to the dirty tramps. There is also chav shops. They should be bombed. But you can't question the pound shops!
Of course, the most interesting place to shop is at Leicester Market, Europe's largest covered market, which is always bustling with activity as angry mothers protest against the latest installment in the popular series of pre-school sci-fi fantasy series, Grand Theft Auto. Warning, Market may smell of skanky fruit and veg! It is also home to the world's largest population of Mockneys (see Mockney) outside of Reading. In between the protesting parents who really need to get jobs, mysterious peddlers donning compulsory turbans and parrots can be seen lying on mats and selling their latest rare herbs and spices, imported all the way from an East Midlands military outpost within the radiated wastelands of Poland.
Leicester is also home to the infamous Moomard, who stalks the streets of Evington looking for people to eat. Another local character is the famous Pop Guy who stands on Queen's Road selling pop he has just pinched from Sainbury's Local.
Believe it or not people of Leicester are capable of producing their own media, popular among the many locals is the Leicester Mercury. This piece of
propoganda local news contains these same key news stories everyday:
- Leicester City lost
- Every other city is England is many times worse than Leicester
- Another local school got a good test result this year only to find there was a mistake in the scoring
- A celebrity used the M1 in Leicestershire which obviously means the celebrity came for a visit
- East Midlands airport is obviously on our side of the Leicester/Nottingham border
- Another murder
- Another suicide
- That Uncyclopedia is casting Leicester in a bad light and so must be shut down
Dangers of Living in Leicester
You may be approached by chavs who harrass you for money, and if they are denied the will bash your head in with a glass bottle and dump you in Abbey Park.
There are of course certain dangers for those living in, and visiting, the city of Leicester. These dangers include those claw games that just refuse to pick up the plush toy you're spending hours trying to get your hands on and the various religious cults who ambush you in the streets and attempt to get your to worship their almighty glove puppets of doom or be lathered in crude oil and thrown in the Rancor pit,whilst being sliced up into a mighty fine curry. In recent years, students of Leicester have been stalked by the infamous Ultra FOX. A low budget film about Ultra's antics has recently been produced at The Willie Thorn Memorial Studios called "The Binoculars in The Bush"
The main danger however, is the problem of mimes. Being mentioned earlier as being present in Leicester, mimes are by far the most dangerous and feared creatures on the western side of the equator. Mimes are known to chase innocent people across shopping malls, refusing to stop following them until the victim turns around, which is when the mime will freeze on the spot and onlookers will begin to laugh at them, according to famous Russian actress Norman Lovett.
Another major danger in Leicester is the brutal Emo-Goth War, which started in the year 962 BC, before the city was officially founded, and is known locally as High School Musical.. "What is so bad about this?" you may ask, "Let the depressed assholes kill each other!" The route from the Market to Debenhams, a route which has the highest paedophile density in the world, which requires walking or Segwaying through this god-forsaken area, you'll be up to your balls in Emos and Goths fighting over who gets to sulk around the clock tower. If you have a brain stem, however, you'll steer clear of this area. The violence is not limited to the clock tower, it often spreads down the surrounding roads and into the rest of the city. As it is home to Leicester City FC and the majority of the club's supporters, depression and suicide has risen in Leicester by 56.8731% because of their bad peformance.
Leicester has a worryingly high incest rate, with 99.99% of people who live in Leicester admiting to having sexual relations with a close member of the family. Most Leicester men prefer to have these relations with their sister, although mothers are also popular in Leicester.
A smaller, but just as potent, danger within the city boundaries is that of vampires. The city has a notorious problem with the buggers, and is second only to Bognor Regis in vampire population. In the 2005 General Election, it was noted that a worrying 62% of vampires in Leicester voted for the BNP.
There is a talking pig and a psycho that hang around in Primark and Abbey Park. There is also the lesser-spotted banshee of Welford Road, who is said to stalk the city at night looking for faces to chew whilst high on crystal meth.
Oadby is a spin-off from Leicester: The Epic Graphic Thingamajig Film. It is basically a town filled with Students, rich people, OAP's and a large Asda. Oadby's claim to fame is the bassist from Queen, who was born and grew up in the area. Unfortunately as nobody knows who the bloody hell he actually is, nobody outside of Oadby actually gives a monkey's.
Oadby has its own football team called the Oadby Owls, and how cool does that sound? Not very. Oadby is also home to the notorious LE2 Crew - a bunch of badass teens living the 'hard knock life' in 8000 square feet mansions off Manor Road.
Oadby is also known for its severe hatred of Leicester, as 15 invasions from have taken place since the 1500's. filling oadby with countless inbreeding programs. Fortunately the arrival of Garry lineker hand building the walkers factory allowed the inbreds to flock to a mindless and easy job in which they could complain for century's about how they didn't need to go to shcool.
Science and education
The University of Leicester is amongst the other universities in the world with the word "university" in its name. The University has a very exclusive policy, where only people with "boring haircuts" are allowed entry, and have made secretive dealings with UCAS to ensure haircut standards of applicants are monitored. Upon arrival those who proceed to grow long or unruly hair are subject to a ride on what can only be described as "The Fucking Weird Paternoster," upon which limbs and excessive hair get caught and ripped off.
The Paternoster was built upon a site of religious and spiritual importance to everyone. It is believed that it was a gateway to Hell, the underworld, the void, or Debenhams. In 1257, religious fanatics (or Catholics, as they are sometimes called) built a "round and roundy, up and downy" thing, designed to take deviants down to Hell, without having to commit murder. In 1903 Mr. Pat Ernoster modernised the contraption and decided to use it as a trap for "Intellechals, Brainsy Blokes and those who do too much finkin about nowt much" and decided to come up with the idea of establishing a university to attract them. Eventually, some people agreed and built one on the current site. The Paternoster takes around 45-55 lives a year down to their doom, and only around 5% of them turn up in Debenhams, wishing they had in fact gone to Hell.
In 2008, Neil Clark discovered a cure for the common cold, by breeding foxes with worms. Sadly, he caught the rare China Fox disease, and now spends his time thinking he is a doner kebab. Leicester is famous for its world-leading research on jumpers (pullovers), and their many uses. It was in Leicester that a jumper was tied around the waist for the first time, back in 1965. (This was in fact based on the American pullover around the waist tests, carried out in the 50s.)
Another popular education establishment is Leicester College. This college, built in the 1940s to house rowdy peasants, is well known for its large amount of Layabouts and Dossers, who do not have the qualifications to get a job. The college constantly smells of curry.
The well known "Red Leicester" Cheese, is the only cheese in the world owned solely by The Cows themselves. The Cheese is owned and sold to supermarkets by The BSP (or Bovine Socialist Party), who sell cheese made from their own milk, to fund political campaigning, and the construction of a communal building.
- Karen Monger (Mum to the wonderful Oliver Monger)
- That guy from Showaddwaddy...
- Daniel Holder (Legendary hair with a legendary personal life)
- Danish Rauf (The guy who makes the best racist jokes ever)
The vast majority of Leicester's 600,000 residents are Freyrs, a religion that can be traced back to ancient Norse mythology. Its worshippers hold the male penis as sacred. In June 2001 a massive phallic monument was built, funded by Richard and David Attenborough. It dominates the city's skyline as well as your face.