Leicester
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] History
Recognised as one of the most important settlements of mankind, [Leicester]] has a rich and colourful history. It has now been inhabited for more than 200 million years, originally founded at 'half past nine' by Sir. Jameslcfc MBE and Sir. Jimbosmith RAC.
The population peaked in 1942 at 9.6 billion people, but it’s people suffered greatly in 1987 due to a south-westerly wind blowing a stale piss smell from near neighbours Coventry.
The only inhabitants now are Engelbert Humperdinck, Una Stubbs and couple of the members from the band Cornershop.
Please Note: Skeggness (also known as Leic-ness, or Skegg-ster) is an annex of The City of Leicester, because you go there to get away from the bloody neighbours, and there they are sitting on the beach next to you!
[edit] Tourism & Commerce
Leicester has evolved much since its original intended foundations as a squirrel breeding haven safe from the hands of the Emperor and is today home to some of the most exciting tourist attractions and successful chains of pie shops and all squid family fast food restaurants, among other things. Thornley on toast is one of the various forms of the rare delicacy Thornley. It also comes in the form of Thornley in a bap and is highly regarded as one of the worlds best side dishes.
No-one actually visits Leicester unless they actually live there, most famous place of visit for tourists is Primark which provides job to third world countries and ensures they have fair pay. Primark also ensure that all Leicestarians look the same by providing them with skimpy clothes all priced less than 1p
Tourists flood into Leicester by the dozens every year to experience the excitement and adventure that is spending time in this great city. There are regular displays by the Leicestershire Sausage Owners Society and by nightfall at exactly twenty one minutes past eight, the various bars, nightclubs and cesspools that Leicester has to offer. A popular drink unique to the city is the locally brewed wonder, Clown Tears. This drink is compulsory and anyone found not to have consumed their daily amount of Clown Tears disappears from their home where they are taken to a dark room and forced to repeatedly watch Charlie Chaplin films while being injected with dangerously high doses of Mr. Bean.
The most popular tourist attraction of the city is of course world the world famous Great Wall Of Bricks And Stones, and literally several people visit every year in order to experience the wonders of the superbly preserved ruins of a Roman multiplex cinema.
Leicester has a stunning town centre which offers shoppers a unique and satisfying experience to be remembered. Such trendy shops as Tesco Express line the streets, as well as the city's very own chain of clown-run fast food restaurants.
The latest fashions can be bought at Leicester's very own Debenhams department store, which is famed across the Empire for its vast floor dedicated to plaid shirts and the latest trends in plimsolls of the highest quality and value. There is also proper goth shops like Voodoo and Haze and stuff that sell grunger clothes to the dirty tramps. There is also chav shops. They should be bombed. =)
Of course, the most interesting place to shop is at Leicester Market, Europe's largest covered market, which is always bustling with activity as angry mothers protest against the latest installment in the popular series of pre-school sci-fi fantasy series, Grand Theft Auto. It is also home to the world's largest population of Mockneys (see Mockney) outside of Reading. In between the protesting parents who really need to get jobs, mysterious peddlers donning compulsory turbans and parrots can be seen lying on mats and selling their latest rare herbs and spices, imported all the way from an East Midlands military outpost within the radiated wastelands of Poland.
Leicester is also home to the infamous "MOOMARD" who stalks the streets of evington looking for people to eat. Although some believe he is a raisin it is in fact true that he is an alive teddy bear and the "POP GUY" who stands on queens road selling pop he has just pinched from sainbury's local. also in evington their is a gay idiot called "AHMED" who always gets beaten up by moomard.
[edit] Dangers of Living in Leicester
You may be approached by chavs who harrass you for money, and if they are denied the will bash your head in with a glass bottle and dump you in Abbey Park.
There are of course certain dangers for those living in, and visiting, the city of Leicester. These dangers include those claw games that just refuse to pick up the plush toy you're spending hours trying to get your hands on and the various religious cults who ambush you in the streets and attempt to get your to worship their almighty glove puppets of doom or be lathered in crude oil and thrown in the Rancor pit,whilst being sliced up into a mighty fine curry. In recent years, students of Leicester have been stalked by the infamous Ultra FOX. A low budget film about Ultra's antics has recently been produced at The Willie Thorn Memorial Studios called "The Binoculars in The Bush"
The main danger however, is the problem of mimes. Being mentioned earlier as being present in Leicester, mimes are by far the most dangerous and feared creatures on the western side of the equator. Mimes are known to chase innocent people across shopping malls, refusing to stop following them until the victim turns around, which is when the mime will freeze on the spot and onlookers will begin to laugh at them, according to famous Russian actress Norman Lovett.
Another major danger in Leicester is the brutal Emo-Goth War, which started in the year 962 BC, before the city was officially founded, and is known locally as High School Musical.. "What is so bad about this?" you may ask, "Let the depressed assholes kill each other!" The route from the Market to Debenhams,a route which has the highest paedophile density in the world, which requires walking or segwaying through this god-forsaken area, you'll be up to your balls in Emos and Goths fighting over who gets to sulk around the clock tower. If you have a brain stem, however, you'll steer clear of this area. The violence is not limited to the clock tower, it often spreads down the surrounding roads and into the rest of the city. Also home to Leicester City FC depression and suicide has risen in leicester by 56.8731% because of their bad peformance. Leicester Tigers recent success is however curing this problem.
Leicester has a worryingly high incest rate, with 99.99% of people who live in Leicester admiting to having sexual relations with a close member of the family. Most Leicester men prefer to have these relations with their sister, although Mothers are also very well preferred in Leicester.
Another, smaller, but just as potent danger within the city boundaries, is that of vampires. The city has a notorious problem with the buggers, and is second only to Bognor Regis in vampire population. In the 2005 General Election, it was noted that a worrying 62% of vampires in Leicester voted for the BNP.
There is a talking pig and a psycho that hang around in Primark and Abbey Park. There is also the lesser-spotted banshee of Welford Road, who is said to stalk the city at night looking for faces to chew whilst high on crystal meth.
[edit] Oadby
- Main article: Oadby
Oadby is a spin-off from Leicester: The Epic Graphic Thingamajig Film. It is basically a town filled with Students, rich people and a large Asda. Oadby's claim to fame is the bassist from Queen, who was born and grew up in the area. Unfortunately as nobody knows who the bloody hell he actually is, nobody outside of Oadby actually gives a monkey's.
Oadby has its own football team called the Oadby Owls, and how cool does that sound? Not very.
[edit] Science and education
The University of Leicester is amongst the other universities in the world with the word "university" in its name. The University has a very exclusive policy, where only people with "boring haircuts" are allowed entry, and have made secretive dealings with UCAS to ensure haircut standards of applicants are monitored. upon arrival those who proceed to grow long or unruly hair are subject to a ride on what can only be described as "the fucking weird paternoster" where limbs or excessive hair get caught, and ripped off. The Paternoster was built upon a site of religious and spiritual importance to everyone. It is believed that it was a gateway to hell, the underworld, the void, or Debenhams. In 1257, religious fanatics (or catholics as they are sometimes called) built a "round and roundy, up and downy" thing, designed to take deviants down to hell, without having to commit murder. In 1903 Mr Pat Ernoster modernised the contraption and decided to use it as a trap for "Intellechals, Brainsy Blokes and those who do too much finkin about nowt much" and decided to come up with a university, eventually some people agreed and put one on and around, the site. The Paternoster takes around 45-55 lives a year down to their doom, and only around 5% of them turn up in debenhams, wishing they had gone to hell.
In 2008, Neil Clark discovered a cure for the common cold, by breeding foxes with worms. Sadly, he caught the rare China Fox disease, and now spends his time thinking he is a doner kebab. Leicester is famous for its world-leading research on jumpers (pullovers), and their many uses. It was in Leicester that a jumper was tied around the waist for the first time, back in 1965. (This was in fact based on the American pullover around the waist tests, carried out in the 50s.)
Another popular education establishment is Leicester College. This college, built in the 1940's to house rowdy peasants, is well known for its large amount of Layabouts and Dossers, who do not have the qualifications to get a job. the college constantly smells of curry, all students poo them selfs and staff are smeely and drive old cars.
[edit] Cheese
The well known "Red Leicester" Cheese, is the only cheese in the world owned solely by The Cows themselves. The Cheese is owned and sold to supermarkets by The BSP (or Bovine Socialist Party), who sell cheese made from their own milk, to fund political campaigning, and the construction of a communal building.
[edit] Religion
The vast majority of Leicester's 600,000 residents are Freyrs. A religion that can be traced back to ancient Norse mythology. Its worshippers hold the male penis as sacred. In June 2001 a massive phallic monument was built, funded by Richard and David Attenborough. It dominates the city's skyline as well as your face.
[edit] Tansport
First Leicester First operate in the locale of leicester buses used on the routes are below standard in the hot weather they are not very good (breaking down)
First Leicester operate a number of services around Leicester
[edit] Contents of a typical Leicester
- 97% Chinese & Indians
and 3% of the following
- Chavs
- Chavettes
- more chavs
- Rapes
- Suicides
- Anti-Forest Flags
- God's Wrath
- The worlds largest vulva
- Lithuanians
- Being asked for money by drug addicts
- The colour: Peemp
- Yet more fucking chavs
- Messes on legs
- Jesus Voodoo Dolls
- Hobbits
- 101st pidgeon Area Battle Squadron
- Sean Clarke, Like the Cloverfield monster only bigger with more Whale lice.
- flashers
- indians dressed as scooby dooby doo
- Black Letterboxes with glasses
[edit] 71 things you know what goes on in leicester
1) When you can't walk down the street with out boy racers papping as they drive by!
2) When you refer to Leicester as "LESTA"
3) When clock tower seems the only place to meet in Leicester!
4) When you have stood and watched the red indians perform at clock tower on a saturday! its quality
5) You think that the big blue building looks like a game of connect four!
6) When you traveled out of leicester to go shopping untill the highcross opened in late 2008
7) When you have been to the christmas displays at town hall square and was pretty impressed as a kid
8) When you are "eating in" in KFC on high street and it is rammed full but they still wont open the upstairs.
9) You was sad to see the woolworths store close down.
10) you realize that there are about 12 subway branches in the city centre alone.
11) All teenagers get on the bus and run straight to the back of the upper deck.
12) You smoke on the bus still
13) You refer the city centre as town when you know its a city
14) You Support Leicester City But Inside You Like A Premier League Team More.
15) You go to morrisons to get you sweets and drink for the odeon cinema.
16) you have been to nottingham ice rink and came back with blisters.
17) there is always someone asleep pissed up on the back of a bus.
18) always pinched a few extra sweet up form the picnmix in woolworths
19) Beamount leys swimming pool seems the best around
20) Are sick of people in highcross trying to sell you faulty goods
21) you browse around in lacoste and hugo boss even though you are more interested in how expensive it is than actually buying it.
22) You Have a look in apple to mess about on the computers.
23) You love the cinema de lux so much you probably would never step foot back in the odeon.
24) you used to go family night football at filbert street.
25) you do an all - nighter and head to mcdonalds for as soon as it opens.
26) have been chased by deers at bradgate park.
27) you are secretly interested in the national space centre but do not want to look a geek.
28) have had a piercing at kazbah
29) Mad Mile Is Great
30) you think that only old people shop in m&s
31) You have ran up and down the stairs near leicester market and lloyds
32) you have had a debate on whether arriva is better than first.
33) Maryland chicken is actually great despite the the so - called hygiene problems
34) you know that walkers crisps are made in leicester aswell as KP Snacks, and Smiths Snackfoods who merged with Walkers in 1993
34) when you have sat with you mates in the car in wigston mcdonalds car park for hours on end.
35) Deep down you are actually proud of where you come from and actually love leicester
36) you are in primark robbing !
37) Drinkin on abbey park was some of the best times you have had
38) you went to all the one big sundays by radio one on victoria park.
39) you really look forward to the Caribbean carnival (first saturday of august)
40) The city centre constantly pongs of spliff
41) you have seen the peter kay bus driver (works for arriva)
42) You refer to where you live as le2, le4, le18 blah blah
43) you feel sorry for the homeless who are sleeping in silver arcade
44) you come out of "the very bizarre" feeling light headed because of the 60 odd incense sticks burning
45) you are impressed year in year out by the christmas lights
46) you have been to abbey park bonfire night parties
47) Safe and monging are the most overused words all over the city
48) You think that the county arms is a shithole.
49) you have heard the "every street" joke 500 times
50) you wonder why there are road works in the city centre 24/7 and nothing ever changes.
51) You know that leicester people are known around the rest of the country as "chizzits" because when we ask someone "how much is it?" we sound like we are saying "im a chizzet"
52) You go to skeggy for the day and bump into half your neighbours!!
53) You have laughed to yourself about the fact that the Market is located next to a street named Cheapside.
54) You try to buy a cob in another city and they don't know what you're on about.
55) You went to see Santa in Lewis's
56) You Know who daniel lambert is
57) you know who the elephant man is
58) you send lost drivers the completely opposite direction where they want to be
59) you refer to chewing gum as 'chewy' and most people out of the leicester dont know what your on about
60) Raw Dykes Road Has amused you
61) superbowl changed its name to megabowl and you thought... i preferred superbowl.
62) you owe videobox at least 50 quid for late rentals
63) you used to go 'rock climbing' on bradgate park
64) you visit dominoes just to see the train running around the store in the ceiling.
65) you rave about the atmosphere there used to be in the kop at filbert street
66) when you used to run and jump in to the mountain of cuddly toys in the disney store
67) You know what a "jitty" is.
68) You've been roller-skating at Granby Halls.
69) You've sat in Daniel Lambert's chair
70) You remember "Lineker's" sparkly red and blue sign on the market
71) You know that the Diwali lights are the best around
