Leicester

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“I was tempted to suggest that the council put those blue urinal blocks everywhere, seeing as it is one large urinal in the first place. And men use urinals, don't they?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leicester
Leicester City Centre
Literally tens of people thronging the city centre.

Leciester Liecester Leicester is a city and unitary authority area in the East Midlands of England, lacking in many notable features. Leicester was nominated in the 'Most Difficult Place Names To Spell' Awards 2009, and achieved a commendable third place. An online petition entitled 'Lester wud be well eazier to spell: David Cameron shud change it' currently has close to 280,000 signatures.

edit History

The city Leicester (or Lesta) was founded in Roman times approximately 2000 years ago. Recognised as one of the most important settlements in the UK, Leicester has a rich and colourful history. Unfortunately this is all in the past.

Leicester's most celebrated 'citizen' was Simon de Montfort, a powerful and arrogant French aristocrat, who, by accident of marriage, acquired land in England and an extra minor title, the Earl of Leicester. After an argument with the king over who had the most right to exploit the peasants on his estates, for a short time de Montfort became the only ruthless French military dictator to govern England. There are no relics or historical sites associated with him in Leicester, probably because the closest he ever got to Leicester was when he visited his English stronghold at Kenilworth in Warwickshire.

Cardinal Wolsey was just passing through, but shortly after his arrival in Leicester he decided to pass away instead. His last words are often misquoted; what he actually said was: "Had I but served my God as I have served my King, he wouldn't have left me to die like a rat in a khazi." 400 years later the people of Leicester honoured the great man's memory with a hosiery factory, and when the factory went bust they took the concrete copy of a statue from the top and stuck it in Abbey Park to frighten children. Wolsey was buried in Leicester but, in keeping with local tradition, nobody bothered to remember where.

Richard III was perhaps the most famous person who came to Leicester to die. The discovery of his remains led to a thorough historical re-evaluation of the supposedly villainous monarch. Now that Shakespeare's co-called 'drama' has been revealed to be the worthless 'Tudor propaganda' it clearly is, there can be no doubt to all who see Richards face on display at Leicester Guildhall (see Tourism & Commerce) that it belonged to a saintly man, a humble servant of humanity, and numerous visitors who have gazed upon the face have found themselves miraculously cured of leprosy, the king's evil and plague.

Geoffrey Chaucer also spent some time in Leicester when things began to get a bit too hot for him at Court. He came to Leicester working on the brilliant premise that nobody would think of looking for a great poet in Leicester. Clearly, it worked. Chaucer didn't die when he was in Leicester, but he got married which is very much the same thing. Oddly, when he did die, he was working on one of his lesser known tales which was inspired by his time in Leicester, but unfortunately nothing of The Sadde Bastarde's Tale survives.

edit Tourism & Commerce

EM129-1-
The statue of Thomas Cook the inventor of tourism, outside the Train Station

Leicester has evolved much since its original foundation and is today home to some of the most exciting tourist attractions in Leicester. One of these is the recently discovered face of Richard III.

Thomas Cook was from Derby, and since nobody famous ever came from Leicester, they erected a statue of Cook instead. It stands outside Leicester railway station and represents Cook checking his watch, which he was convinced must be faulty, until it dawned on him that his watch was fine and that 30 minutes in Leicester just seems like eternity. At that point he realised that what the people of Leicester wanted more than anything was to be somewhere else - and so he was compelled to invent tourism on the spot, thus unleashing a monster which has since disfigured and ruined many of the most beautiful places on Earth.

No-one actually visits Leicester unless they actually live there and even those people avoid it if possible. There is little to see except multi-storey car parks, abandoned buildings, branches of Tesco express and hand car washes. By night, the various bars, nightclubs and cesspools that Leicester has to offer are open for business, which means it is a good time to be somewhere else. The influx of people to these establishments is akin to a large herd of animals journeying to the only watering hole left in Africa. A great many police also patrol the streets at night looking for drinks drunks.

However, Leicester's tremendous unpopularity with tourists is mainly due to a very serious infestation of students. The worst infected areas have been identified and signs have been erected so they can easily be avoided. Major infestations have been designated 'universities' and smaller ones are known as 'schools' or 'colleges' although most of the city's housing is also badly infested. Numbers tend to decline during the summer months, but overall the numbers increase year upon year. Culling is probably inevitable, although for the time being the authorities seem reluctant to act. Although officially frowned upon, the quaint local custom known as 'punching students in the face' is as popular as ever.

The most popular tourist attraction in the city is currently the face of Richard III which has been scientifically provided with a plastic head. The 15th century king was recently unearthed from a shallow pit beneath a car-park. The exhumation of the King was undertaken in late 2012 by a team of experts from the University of Leicester and two crazies from the Richard III society. While scholars from Leicester University have been working overtime to find an intellectual way of saying 'stabbed up the arse', the King's skull has been rigourously subjected to science. His face is now on show at the Leicester Guildhall and has attracted crowds of up to four people.

edit Shopping

The local smart set know that all the latest fashions can be found at Primark, or indeed at any of the fashionable pound shops that clutter the streets. The most interesting place to shop is Leicester Market, Europe's largest covered market, which is always bustling with activity. Many dirty things that have been dug up out of the ground are sold here, as are recently stolen electrical items. A thriving community of local street artists like shoplifters and pick-pockets like to congregate around the market showing off their skills, and one can also see mysterious traders selling rare exotic herbs and spices, often imported from as far away as the West Midlands and much sought after by the locals.

edit Local Media

Few people in Leicester are capable of producing their own media, so the local newspaper, the Leicester Mercury, has a really easy ride. Mostly encountered by the locals when wrapped around fish and chips, it is a fine example of shameless Tory propaganda independent local news coverage, although it tends to contain the same stories every day:

  • Leicester City lost at football.
  • Another city in England is many times worse than Leicester.
  • A celebrity/politician mentioned Leicester on TV, we are an urban conurbation!
  • Another murder
  • Another suicide

edit Dining Out

Have you ever heard the phrase, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse? In Leicester you will often be invited to do just that.

edit Literature

Leicester's literary heritage consist of Joe Orton, the man who turned the sick joke into an art form and got murdered; or Sue Townsend, the woman who turned the sick joke into a best seller and got rich. The poet Philip Larkin is associated with Leicester, but only after he escaped from his native Coventry. Small wonder that in his one memorable poem he describes himself as being 'really fucked up'.

edit Clubs, Pubs, Cafe Bars and other Tedious Venues

By their very nature, these places attract people who drink beer, eat shit, and very probably want to talk in loud voices about football or motor cars. Helpfully, such people wear horrible clothes and congregate in such unpleasant locations which makes them easy to spot and even easier to avoid.

edit Sport

Sport is of little use except for the encouragement of young retards, whose anxieties can be assuaged by the use of the soporific white lie: i.e. "We can all be good at something. Some people are good at reading, writing, eating, etc., and you are good at kicking a ball. So don't worry." A statue in the city centre proudly announces Leicester to be 'A City of Sporting Champions'.

edit Science and education

The University of Leicester is amongst the other universities in the world with the word "university" in its name. The University has a very exclusive policy, where only people with "boring haircuts" are allowed entry, and have made secretive dealings with UCAS to ensure haircut standards of applicants are monitored. Upon arrival those who proceed to grow long or unruly hair are subject to a ride on what can only be described as "The Fucking Weird Paternoster," upon which limbs and excessive hair get caught and ripped off.

Another popular education establishment is Leicester College. This college, built in the 1940s to house rowdy peasants, is well known for producing alumnus, who lack both the qualifications to get a job and the get-up-and-go for a life of petty crime.

edit Red Leicester

Cheese
Pictured: Not a student night out

The well known "Red Leicester" is a cheese made in Leicestershire, it is also a sub-par student night specialising in cut prince alcohol, but nobody cares about that.

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