Lego Bricks
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"Lego bricks are the currency of SRD, other forgotten city-states, and are used for Chuck Norris's enjoyment when he is high. We know of them from archaeological digs. For the ancient Danish, Lego were a food source, a building material, a sex device, a drug and a quest token collected by young men on epic quests. Lego can be binded together through welding, duct tape, or adhesive super grue. They come in exciting colors, but not that exciting.
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[edit] History
Abraham Lincoln was a famous American who invented stackable logs in the 1840s in his early teen years. He called them Lincoln Logs {Also a type of shit that you can take} and they were a huge hit and were the primary source for building houses in the 1850s. Abraham Lincoln quickly became the most famous inventor of the Construction Age. After Lincoln's staged death in the 1860s he began to focus more on new technology in construction. He called this new technology Tinkerite. Tinkerite proved only to be useful in boring children.
Due to the popularity of Lincoln Logs, the demand was overwhelming, and they were in short supply. As with any popular product, once the production was at its peak, many log producing factory workers laid off, which caused the price of Lincoln Logs to skyrocket. Lincoln knew he needed to find a building material that was cheaper, stronger, and easier to build. One day, Lincoln was hiding in his Spider Hole, as he often did, when he discovered a silver liquid springing from the side of a rock. He investigated it, smelt it, tasted it, and poured it into a bucket. When the liquid cooled in the sun, it hardened to the shape of the bucket and became shiny. He had found the solution to his problem! He followed the discovery with many experiments. He made long 4ft by 2ft wooden cradles and poured the silver liquid in. He put it under extreme heat and waited 24 hours. The next day he cracked the wood cradle open. A solid block emerged. The next day he set up twelve 4ft by 2ft blocks, along with two 8ft by 2ft blocks. Once they were solid, he placed them on top of each other with a space in between the 4ft by 2ft blocks with the long 8ft by 2ft block on top of that to make a doorway. He used tar from the nearby trees to secure it. Later that day he finished the building and added a straw roof.
The next day Lincoln went outside and found his bricks spread on the ground. His building did not withstand the great, methanic winds, which by some strange twist of fate was from the giant Homer from the episode of The Simpsons where a hobo on a train told the Simpsons stories. He needed the blocks to be better secured. He went through many calculations and found the solution. He fitted another wooden cradle with round cylinders sticking 6 inches out of them. On the bottom side he made 6 inch holes, symmetrical with the top ones. He heated the blocks and then placed the bricks on top of each other. He secured them with tar and the building was much stronger. He called his invention the Lego.
After Lincoln's Lego blocks became popular, he started to see what else he could invent using his Lego technology. He created some 2ft by 2ft blocks, some 1ft by 2ft blocks, flat blocks of various sizes, blocks with embedded wheels, wings, and blocks with a big round gray thingy mounted on it that no one knows what it's for, but makes a cool looking booster. He also invented extremely large flat green square pieces as big as his yard, which gave his Lego house a solid foundation. In 1875, Lincoln invented an airport that was built completely from Lego pieces; and in 1876, he invented the first space port utilizing only Lego (and don't forget the brothel).
In 1889, when Jules Verne started the Congolese Fantasy War, Denmark enlisted the inimitable Henry Brothers, Henry Mancini and Henry Houdini (both not Italian if you can fathom such a thing) to steal Lego technology from the Lincoln space port.
It was then that Denmark's place in construction history was sealed. Modern lego bricks are made from people, shrunk down and turned yellow. Candidates for this process are mostly criminals or people that quit the company. Most of the time however, Lego is made from plastic and old people love to waste their pension collecting the horribly expensive stuff.
[edit] Famous Lego Uses
- Bricks have also been used in the consruction of many great things in history. Did you know that the Stonehenge was originaly made by bricks? Its why it lasted so long. The Pyramids where originally just one big brick. Untill they where cut down to provide smaller bricks for the Stonehenge by Nazis from Communist Russia in 2103 because Scientologists from Tom Curise's latest movie, 'Yes I may be a 180 year old Actor who keeps alive by devouring the flesh of young madiens in Feburary, but I'm still a good Scientonazimist Actor'.
- The Berlin Wall
- After the battle between Godzilla and MechaHitler destroyed most of Asia, Japan started rebuilding their country using only Lego. First they used paper Lego to try and keep the traditional Japanese look, but then they realized after the battle between Godzilla and Flamaziod that paper sucked and they needed something stronger and inflammable like chocolate.
- Batman has used Lego many times to save Han Solo from fires or Hitler. He would be creative with them, using Lego as ladders, gigantic ninja stars, or even food.
- The capital of Nigeria was built entirely from the blocks. It was temporarily named after them, pending the results of a nationwide competition to think of a more "Nigerian" name. The prize money was THIRTY FIVE MILLION U.S. DOLLARS (US $35,000,000), and has often been claimed, but never with success. They are still trying to find a partner in the US who can help them get it out of the country, tax free.
- Lego saw its peak during the Cold War. The Ruskies would build entire nuclear weapons grounds out of them. Another Lego use: they can protect you from nuclear blasts with only minimal side effects. See Chernobyl.
- Lego was used during Star Wars and Indiana Jones.
- Legoland was intended to be made out of cement, but due to lack of funding and workmen with a sense of humor, it was later made out of bricks.
- Lego was a pinnacle in the BZPower campaign to end Uncyclopedia. It failed. No record is stored due to legal reasons.
- Ye ol' Testament is beautifully explained using Lego bricks ... with an attitude.
- Porky Pig built his Piggly Wiggly out of Lego to stop it from being blown over by the Big Bad Wolf.
- Lego blocks are one of the most popular building materials in Micronesia, and the country's capital is said to be built from them.
- The great wall of china is made entirely out of Lego, Mongolians to this day are still trying to assemble the Star Wars Imperial Cruiser Lego set to help break down the wall.
- 4 0ut of every 23 snakes are made completely of Lego.
- At one point in the history of Lego, there were more look-a-likes than a clone convention.
- Shadow the Hedgehog used lego to kill sonic the hedgehog by building a lego box and placing a grue inside.
- Aliens built Jesus out of lego.
- Lego heads of all kinds have also been used as a contraceptive in 5 out of the 7 continents of the world. It has been proven by scientific authorities in both the UK and Japan that it is indeed the best preventative measure of safe sex
- Sora from Kingdom Hearts built the gummi ship out of legos. But sometimes he ate a couple of pieces as a light snack.
[edit] Spelling
Numerous alternate spellings of "Lego" have been used in the past. Most of these are correct, particularly the mangled ones such as "Leggo!", especially in the use "Leggo my Eggo", but one particular spelling is unacceptable: you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever refer to the pieces as "LEGO® bricks" (Just as the plastic rectangles with raised circular discs on the highest elevated point). (Suck it, Susan Williams!)
Most Americans refer to Lego as 'Legos' - using the pluralized version (incorrectly, but they can't help it.) for both the singular and plural form (both are incorrect - it's LEGO - regardless of whether it's one or many).
Of course, many Americans also refer to the plural form of Bionicle as "Bionicles." They are most likely either overprotective parents who shield their child's eyes from a simple picture of a Bionicle Zamor Launcher, or they are the weird little eight-year olds who live on the planet BZPower. Either way, just like LEGO, it's BIONICLE.
[edit] Did You know?
- that the real Chuck Norris would pwn his lego counterpart, because as we all know, he has a fist in his beard. Harry Potter, on the other hand, would not be able to vanquish his lego model as he is a pussy and his expelliarmus sucks dick.
- Lego has recently tried to appeal to the more mature video gamers with 'lego lesiure suit larry.' However, as lego characters have no penis or boobs it did not sell very many copies.
[edit] Lego Tips
Here are some pointers on how to properly use your Lego blocks:
- Do eat Lego. It is highly delectable and greatly improves fresh breath.
- Even though there are wing Lego parts, Lego cannot fly. Even if thrown down the stairs.
- Be creative when building with your Lego. You can build anything from horses to houses, from girlfriends to sex toys (However, LegoErotica isn't recommended, as sharp edges can cause damage and discomfort).
- Contrary to popular belief, there is no Lego Grinch.
- Do not play with Lego at work. The boss tends to frown upon it.
- Do not, under any circumstances, get Lego wet. See: Chernobyl.
- If you make a bullet proof vest from Lego, it is not *actually* bullet proof.
- Lego bricks scattered at strategic points of your room can act as an anti-intruder device at night.
- Do not attempt to build a house out of "Lego" to live in, as squirrels will steal it.
- If you leave Lego men out all night they will eventually find an escape route. That's right those missing Lego men weren't sucked up by the hoover.
- After the Chernobyl, uh, accident, several boxes of "Lego" became contaminated and started to hunt down little children. While uncommon, the wearing of safety goggles and protective man thongs are still advised.
- Relatedly, mutant Lego creations despise puns and will intentionally kill you for it. Granted, they will try and kill you anyway but they hate...shoot it, just run.
