Legends of the Hidden Temple
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|Legends of the Hidden Temple|
|Run Time:||2 hours, 4 minutes|
|Box Office Earnings:||Pretty damn lot|
Legends of the Hidden Temple, not to be confused with the fictional yet awesome-sounding Lesbians of the Hidden Temple, was a 1993 film by Steven Spielberg starring Jason Statham as Kirk "Blue Barracuda" Fogg and Stephen Seagal as "Olmec" in an action-packed adventure film with a plot similar to that of the Indiana Jones series. The film was recently rebroadcasted on Nickelodeon as a game show with minor modifications. It incorporated insane stunts, long and drawn out narrations, strange decisions, a time limit and many other cliches you see in adventure movies. The movie has had mixed reviews with Ebert giving it a thumbs up and Roeper ripping his eyeballs out of his sockets shortly after the credits, but overall it has been considered a success.
Kirk "Blue Barracuda" Fogg, a famous archaeologist at the turn of the century, is contacted by an unknown source that he knows the location of the mysterious Shine of the Silver Monkey, and that Kirk can meet him to discuss the matter in a parking lot. He is instead injected with a poison and told the general location of the ruin. He is also told that he will die in several hours should he not recover the Silver Monkey to receive the antidote. Kirk buys a plane ticket to South America and quickly gets his ass over to the Amazon rain forest. There he is greeted by a mysterious figure whose name is only known as "Olmec", a person of Mayan decent who agrees to help Kirk find the Shrine. He summons 12 other people arranged into 6 teams (not including Kirk and Olmec) to accompany them during their journey.
Next they ascended up the steps of a Latin American pyramid that Olmec said contained the shrine. They were answering quiz questions offered as they went up the stairs, even though it was completely unnecessary and they could have just walked up the stairs without saying a word. During this, one team fell down the stairs (Justin Beiber, Some racist guy), snapping their necks. The rest made it to the top.
Now inside the temple, they climb down to the lower reaches of the insides, which have been coated with soap to prevent tourists from reaching the insides of the temple. One team chickened out and went home while the others persevered. Miraculously no injuries nor deaths had happened while scaling this soap covered wall.
Finally, they were inside the temple. At this point Kirk's time was running out, but he kept on going. Olmec read the text on the wall and outlines the next few challenges they have to face in the final parts of their journey. They were to go into the room of the three gargoyles, push the correct tounge, enter the next room where they could either climb a wall or jump into the pit of dispair. Next, they have to walk on a rickety bridge where the final loyal team dies. Then, they loot the room of the Golden Idols. Finally they enter the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Here they see rival scientist Indiana Jones, who was puzzling over how the hell one puts together the ridiculously easy puzzle. They take the Silver Monkey and take the secret passage to the outside, which was part of an essential brick that one team was standing on waiting for the others to to get out. They slip and crack their necks on the stone below. Olmec and Kirk stand triumphantly with the Silver Monkey in hand. They are then promptly arrested by Brazillian police. While they're in prison, the man who initiated this mess confiscates the Silver Monkey and releases the two prisoners.
They ride by helicopter to the US over Central America where Kirk is administered the cure. When the man reveals his intentions to have the two search for other treasures under the incentive of keeping their lives Kirk and Olmec refuse, in which a fight occurs resulting in Kirk having the poison readministered and both of them are purged out of the helicopter at high altitude. Kirk snaps Olmec's neck. Olmec's body falls down onto the brush below. Kirk falls on top of Che Guevara's car just as he got out, where you see a closeup of Kirk's face and hear faint yells of Spanish cussing coming out of Che's mouth. You can see citizens gathering around. A faint heartbeat is heard and the movie comes to an end.
An alternate ending, as seen on the 2005 2-Disc Special-Edition DVD, features a cameo by Malcolm McDowell as an archaeologist named Sam Loomis, who is hunting down the Temple Guard who killed Kirk Fogg. When Loomis finds a way to turn Olmec back into human form (He was turned into a stone head in a deleted scene, also included on the DVD.), the Temple Guard threatens to kill Olmec. Loomis then tries to negotiate with him, saying "It's not their fault! It's mine! I failed you, Michael!" which leads Michael, the Temple Guard, to kill Loomis to the tune of the REM classic, "Everybody Hurts."
Another alternative ending, when the citizens are gathered around, Justin Beiber and the racist guy emerge out of a sewer armed with Angry Kittens and throw at everyone causing Mexico to explode for some odd reason. The citizens all die too, as well as Flarfingarf Ashadinshin, (Elmo) the idiot duck boy and Nick Jonas (Freddy Kouger), who nearly survives when a duck falls on him.
The original motion picture soundtrack was released August 21, 1993, by Warner Bros. Records, and re-released by Nickelodeon Records on May 25, 2005, to coincide with the launch of the Nick Rewind Collection DVDs. The reissue contained a bonus disc featuring the John Williams score in its entirety, while the original soundtrack contained pre-existing popular songs.
- "The Grand Illusion" by Styx
- "Digital Love" by Daft Punk
- "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
- "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly
- "Baby Come Back" by Player
- "Never Gonna Give you up" Rick Astley
- "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Slayer
- "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred
- "Heart-Shaped Box", "I Moan A Lot" and "F**k s**t crap song of cussy bad word time" by Nirvana
- "Shrine of the Silver Monkey" by Michael Jackson
- "Barracuda" by Heart
- "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd (Entire song is used during an extended chase scene taking place throughout the temple.)
- "Everybody Hurts" by REM
- "My Mom Bought Me Pogs for Christmas..." by Kirk Fogg's African Adventure 
- The Song That Killed Everyone by Fred Figglehorn.
The soundtrack was not an immediate hit until its 2005 re-release, when it hit #1 on the Billboard 200 Albums Chart for a full year.
edit Video Games
A few games of Legends of the hidden temple where made:
- "Legends of the Hidden Temple" is an FMV Game released in May 1994 on the Sega CD.
- "Olmecs Death" also released in 1994, on Atari Jaguar is a semi 2-D fighting game with poor graphics.
- "Silver Snakes", is a 1996 game on SNES. The silver snakes have been transported into space. The game is believed to continue where the movie left off.
- A legends of the hidden temple game was rumored to be on N64 or Sega Dreamcast.
- The choice is yours, and yours alone.
- There is a cameo appearance by Albert Einstein as the brain in the jar on Kirk Fogg's desk.
- The car that Kirk Fogg smashed into was Che's real car.
- Remember, you have a one out of six chance of being a Purple Parrot.
- A Mayan drawing featuring an "I'm with stupid" T-Shirt can be seen in the background in the steps scene.
- If you look to the left of the Mayan pyramid, you can see the "OOD" from the "HOLLYWOOD" sign.
- Olmec can be seen entering the portable stall in the first scene.
- For getting out of the temple in less then three minutes, Kirk and Olmec won $900,000, a living room, a dining room, a bedroom, a entertainment center, an outdoor spa, a game room, and 25 roundtrip flights to anywhere in america and 2 New Cars.
Stephen Spielberg and Bob Dylan teamed up to write a script for the next movie which will be titled Pop Culture Reference: The Movie starring Elmo, Albert Einstein, Your Mom, The Scream, Kermit, Ms. Piggy (now Groovin' Granny, see Sequel Filming Disaster), and Bob Dlyan himself. Stephen plans for it to be several miles long and have another sequel to that movie. It will be 6 seconds in length and will be shot on Alienland, Jupiter. The movie is planned to be released on December 21, 2012, so none of the people get to see it because the world will end that very day. "It's going to be a terrible movie," says Steve Spilled-the-beans-berg-Jobs, the script writer of the movie, "It will make everyone cry becuase it was terrible. I don't even have any ideas, although I do have this scene where everyone stands motionless and-" He was killed by Jason and shortly after Steven hired a new writer. The budget is planned to be $57 in simoleons money and premire will be held on Christmas 2012.
edit Sequel Filming Distaster
On June 13, 2011 on the first day of filming, Mrs. Piggy fell asleep on set and died because of Freddy Kouger killing her in his sleep. Kouger was sent to jail for 4.2 seconds and was shortly let out later on bail from Kermit. Mrs. Piggy's role was soon replaced by Groovin' Granny, an 81-year-old musician signed by Flowgo Records.