The Legend of Zelda

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Nintendo is known to pay tribute to Goatse, especially in their Legend of Zelda series.

“HEY LISTE-”

~ Navi the Fairy on listening

“NO.”

~ Link on Navi the Fairy shutting up

The Legend of Zelda, released in Japan as The Hyrule Final Fantasy Zelda no Densetsu (ゼルダの伝説, The Hyrule Final Fantasy Zelda no Densetsu ) , is a videogame designed by Chuck Norris out of Facial Hair and lego bricks and published by Nintendo. Set in the 2D land of Hyrule, a land filled with Tom Cruise, who isn't gay. Many argue that it is in fact made by Shigeru Miyamoto which is completely false since this was in fact Chuck Norris's name due to the fact that it is impossible to pronounce. This is a classic example of the collect-em up genre, which centers around a young psychotic thief named Link and his quest to steal eight random golden triangles from eight different households. Don't ask me why this sounds like a completed Mad-Lib.

[edit] Story and characters

These kids are never getting laid. Ever.

It's The Legend of Zelda, and it's really rad.
Those creatures from Ganon are pretty bad.
Octorocks, tektites, and leevers, too,
But with your help, our hero pulls through.
Yeah! Go, Link! Yeah!
(Wikky-wikky-wikky-wik)

Link starts off the game going into some cave, where he is given a sword by some L33T 0LD MAN. Big mistake. Crazed with the power of the sword, Link goes on a rampage, killing random innocent monsters and plants as he goes along, breaking into underground monster houses and threatening them into giving him money, and their best ographic material. But, as Link had not obtained the White Sword yet, the monsters instead beat him, and made him pay for fixing their door. He never gets around to it, and instead just burns their houses down with a magical lantern.

During the course of the game, Link locates eight mansions and slaughters the household's servants and eventually the owner of the household. He eats their hearts in a Satanic ritual to make himself stronger and then steals the poor dead monsters's triangle. Along the way, he steals a variety of stuff from other people that helps him to go on his rampage. He eventually finds his way into the pleasant household of Ganon, raped his well paid servants, pillaged his friends and kills the guy, kidnapping his wife, Zelda. The end. What a douche.

A "symbol of courage, strength and wisdom", Link was designed by Chuck Norris as a coming-of-age motif for players to occupy themselves with: a large-eared youth that can only communicate with 8-bit beeps begins the game a psychopathic boy but grows in strength (not that you'd be able to tell with his six-by-six pixel face) and fortitude to triumph over innocent monsters, and collect masses of ographic material on his way.

The name of the princess was inspired by Zelda Fitzgerald: "Zelda was the name of the wife of the famous novelist Francis Scott Fitzgerald. She was a famous and beautiful woman from all accounts, and I fantasied about doing her every night. So I stole her name for the very first Zelda title," Chuck Norris explained^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}.

At one point some crazy drunk chick comes in named MIDNA and that's all you need to know

[edit] Gameplay

When The Legend of Zelda was released its gameplay defied categorization because Chuck Norris doesn't abide by rules. The game begins with the player controlling Link, the son of Tom Cruise (who isn't gay) and Liv Tyler who had recovered from a near fatal drug overdose when he tried to huff an Octorok. You watch from the perspective of God, giving you the feeling that you are omnipotent, omniscient and that pixel pixie of a hero should bow down to your and WORSHIP THE VERY GROUND YOU WALK ON! ALL PRAISE YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Scattered across the over world (which according to Nintendo Power, was modeled after the state of Agdgdgwengo) and hidden in caves, shrubbery, behind walls and in run-down liquor stores are merchants, gamblers, old ladies, serial rapists, and other people who guide Link with cryptic clues, just like The State of Agdgdgwengo. Barring Link's progress are creatures he doesn't really need to kill but does, because all real men kill small forest animals, to locate the entrances to nine underground dungeons.

Each dungeon is a unique, maze-like (in other words, the builders had no idea what they were doing) collection of rooms connected by doors, funnily enough, and guarded by innocent monsters just minding their own business. The player guides Link, as he kills, rapes and pillages each dungeon like the evil maniac he is, until finally, he kills the Master of the Dungeon, eats his heart and nicks his piece of gold, which looks suspiciously like frozen piss. Dungeons also hide useless items, such as a recorder and several planks of wood tied together, a curved stick, and a childs bow, (which link probably slaughter to get.) The first six dungeons had monsters stupid enough to leave their entrances open to Link, but the remaining three were smart enough to hide their entrances from psychopathic Link.

The national currency of Hyrule. Links picture is on it because Hyrule is to CHEAP-ASS to buy wanted posters.

Non-linearity separates this game from others of its contemporaries. Link can freely wander the over world, finding, stealing, and pillaging items at any point. Nintendo of America's empty-headed management initially feared that players might become frustrated with the new concept, left wondering what to do next. As a result, the American version of the game's manual tells you exactly what to do and guides you through the game like the complete moron you are, for Japan didn't forgive the Americans for calling them buck-toothed Japs. thats right all you japanese suck

[edit] How to follow the storyline

The Legend of Zelda has multiple theories to which no one seems to have a proper answer. The best explanation so far is that there was a temporal explosion created by Link grabbing the Master Sword, ripping the space time continum into two where Link must save both worlds from an insane, maniacal evil doer named Ganon or Ganondorf. However, then one must ask, well he doesnt appear in every game? Well the answer to that is that he does not have to appear for him to be involved. For example, why was the moon crashing into the town in Majora's Mask? Ganondorf. Anytime there is a problem in the Legend of Zelda the person behind it should ALWAYS be assumed to be Ganondorf, no matter how obscure it is. DON"T EAT HIS SWORD, YOU NAUGHTLY LITTLE TWELVE YEAR OLDS! thank you for your time.

The Legend of Zelda seems to have three constants, Link, Ganondorf, Zelda and Link. Yes thats right, the characters have some how traversed space and time. This leaves us to believe that Link may be behind who stole the the DOc's train and thus why Back to the Future 4 was never created. Ganondorf is a witch by common belief and witches can pass through time as they please. One puzzling aspect of all these games is why Link never ties the knot with Zelda. Like he only saves her in virtually every game. Even in Majora's Mask, had link not stopped the Moon from falling, the planet would have been destroyed and thus Zelda = . So he does technically save her in every storyline! The only way to explain this is that Link is sexually inept and cannot produce children with Zelda, or that Zelda is too jealous of his previous affairs with his other hos Malon, the prostitute, Saria (Link's childhood butt-buddy), and Ruto the creepy fish lady ho princess.

Now how do we tell which game is in which timeline. Well this is easy, put every game in their own timeline. Yes the beauty of alternate universes. Twilight Princess and Ocarina of Time, Multiple universes. Mannish Cap, definently hopefully its own universe. Super Smash Bros Brawl, Yep own universe. Does anyone else notice that Ganondrof is one of the main baddies in that game as well, maybe he will replace Bowser in the next Mario game?

[edit] Development and release

Unfortunately, the Chinese bootleg versions never reached China, otherwise there would have been serious problems with Japan.

Designer Chuck Norris was responsible for the development of Super Communist Bros. and decided to corrupt America's youth with yet another controversial character, this time in the form of a silent psychopathic, terrorist thief with a six-by-six pixel face incapable of any emotion or being identified.

With The Legend of Zelda, Norris wanted to blur the lines between reality and illusion even further, giving players "a miniature garden that they can put inside their drawer."^[1] a perfect example can be seen in 'the ocarina of time' where as opposed to reality, where a cow is milked by its utters, link obtains milk by playing a song for them. This would prove useful for Chuck Norris's attempt at world domination in 2006. He drew his inspiration from his experiences as a boy around Alaska, where he explored nearby fields, woods, and caves, and through the Zelda titles he always tries to impart to players some of the sense of exploration and limitless wonder he felt. "When I was a pixel child," he said, "I went hiking through the pixellated country and found a bright blue lake made out of pixels, and met a Tom Cruise, made of 16 pixels, and he stated he wasn't gay. A pixellated fairy appeared out of it and circled me with pixellated red hearts, and I felt as if I had to let the players experience the sense of pixellated wonder I felt at this beautiful occurence."

In the initial game designs, the player would start the game with the sword already in their inventory. According to Norris, those in Japan were confused and had trouble finding their way through the multiple path dungeons. Rather than listening to the complaints, Norris took away the sword out of spite, making the game even more difficult.

In the later game designs, after Chuck Norris stepped aside, the nintendo team would get high each day before working on the game. This resulted in zelda 'the phantom hourglass' where players must shoot frogs made of gold with a cannon in order to be taught a symbol that allows them to teleport via tornado, because thats what frogs do.

[edit] Reception

Goatse makes an appearance in The Legend of Zelda.

The Legend of Zelda's thief character, Link, warped the minds of 456.147 googol players around the world on its initial run. It was reissued in 1990, in the hope that people would be too stupid to realise it was the same game. It was re-released for the Gayboy Advances for the same reasons, and you morons just lapped it up, didn't you?

The game places prominently on rigged popularity polls run by Zelda fans and spawned many cheap cash-in products such as toys, watches, trash, sequels, and the worst animated series in the existence of mankind. Even Michael Jackson, who was seriously turned on by Link and loved watching his show in the nude, abruptly stopped for fear of turning into a child molester. Too late.

[edit] Versions

Zelda has been re-released on multiple platforms, because Nintendoh is a greedy that thinks you won't notice the difference and will keep paying for the same old junk over and over again. Judging from the way you lap these games up, they're right.

[edit] BS Zelda no Densetsu

“Reach into your pocket and give me $5. Then flop on the floor like a fish.”

~ Mini narrator

Zelda no Densetsu, based on the original The Legend of Zelda, was released for download in four episodes on a two-feet high satellite add-on to Nintendo's Super Famicom system. The first game broadcast on the Nintendo World Domination Satellite Network, Zelda featured updated graphics, a smaller overworld, and different dungeons. Link was replaced by a random boy wearing a backward baseball cap and a generic breastless girl with red hair. It also featured "Sound Link," where every few minutes players were cussed by a live narrator, broadcast psychically into players' minds. This may cause the narrator to get into your mind and control it there. The narrator is a little man inside the system, who will force you to doing strange things, like giving him tips for his job.

[edit] References

1. ↑ Andrew Vestal, Cliff O'Neill and Brad Shoemaker (2000-11-14). The History of Zelda. Gamespot. Retrieved on 2006-09-30.

[edit] See also

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to The Legend of Zelda.

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