Leeds
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| State | Yorkshire |
| Official languages | Yorkshirish, English |
| Mayor | Seán Kilcoyne |
| Established | Roman times |
| Civic anthem | Marching on together, in division three/four/sunday league |
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Foundation
When the Romans came over to Britain, which they wanted to conquer, Julius Caesar ate a dodgy bowl of pasta somewhere near the Pennines. He needed the toilet badly but there wasn't one nearby, so he defecated in a field. He also drank some Italian wine and urinated next to the feces. Eventually this horrible pile of excreta mutated into a small town, which the Roman Generals named Leeds, Latin for "MAMA MIA, WHAT IS THAT A-HIDEOUS THING?!", and the urine became known as the River Aire, because the Romans were hoping that it would evaporate into the "aire" (they weren't very good spellers).
Leeds then became the captial of England when London drowned cause' of global warming.
[edit] The Wars of Leeds
In its unfortunately existent history, Leeds has seen many brutal wars, and lost them all. Apart from the war against chavs - that is ongoing.
[edit] Leeds Civil War
The first war to ever be recorded in Leeds was the Leeds Civil War. Taking place around 635 AD, it saw many brutal battles between the scummy members of the South and East Leeds Union (SELU) against the posh members of the North and West Leeds Guild (NWLG). It started when a SELU General named Gaz McScally asked a NWLG Colonel named Charles Winston-Greenberg for "10p mush". When Winston-Greenberg said "sorry, old chap", McScally called for assistance from his comrades Kaz McPikey, Daz McTownie and Baz McChav to "merk him up". This infuriated the NWLG and so they declared war on the SELU, striking bases in Middleton and Seacroft with tanks that fired tea and matzah bread. The SELU responded by amassing an army of hooded trackie-wearing baseball bat wielding scumbags. The two armies met in Gipton to fight in the epic Battle of Gipton, where the NWLG lost after losing their supply of tea and Jewbread. Ever since, Scallies have dominated much of Leeds. also a well known friend of leeds who has cover bradford with his ass crack known as matthew sorby, unfortunatelly know one can tell because it was originally full of paki's like matts fat whore sister kayle. the leader of the chavs matthew sorby who leads leeds civil war is married to carla louis adams his beloved boyfriend who they enjoy to record their fat sex scene and put on porn hub under fat leeds bastards
[edit] Leeds and Bradford War
In the year 4125 Leeds had become a vast all consuming hellhole and wanted to rule all of the continent known as West Yorkshire. The Emporer, Jimmy Saville XVIII had always hated Bradford so he one day said "let's conquer Bradford." The Bradfordians were pissed off so set their special forces team, known as the Bradford Bulls, to fight the Leodenisian army. Even though the Leodenisians got their arses kicked, they denied such a battle took place (amnesia's a bummer) , so they unleashed their most deadly weapon upon the Bradfordians (deadly Ken the Dismantler). Bradfordians were tortured by the poorness of the Leodenisians. Despite an intervention by Her Majs Collector of really large debt. Eventually the Leodenisians won, as their plight made national headlines.
(Actually, Bradford's secret underground resistance has continued to fight on, vowing that a city with a unbeaten football team like Leeds United shall never rule West Yorkshire, unlike Huddersfield. Bradford failed after realising that there was a complete lack of brain power in an average group of 3000 Bradforidians, and bowed to the wisdom of the Town Supporters who also wanted to kick the Leodenisians arses.)
[edit] Leeds-Sheffield War
In 1716, The democratic nerds of York declared Ilkley capital of Yorkshire. They then stated that Sheffield is "bigger than Leeds," a comment which fired Leeds up, who eventually sent 50 Yorkshire terriers to destroy Fulwood in Sheffield, so as to reclaim position as biggest city. Sheffield replied to this by sending 100,000 Crows to shit on Leeds city centre.
York was destroyed in the process, along with Doncaster for "being in the way". Whitby brought peace by telling both cities to shake hands. All emos slaughtered at the Battle of the Corn Exchange were happy to die for their cause.
[edit] The Leeds and Ilkley Moor War
In some century the people of Ilkley Moor War waged war and invaded Leeds. It seemed they rough country folk could win. Then the invaders were a decimated by an epidemic of cold or flew flue flu or Pneumonia newmoania. It looks like they were all bar tat.
[edit] The Leeds-London War
In 1977, the Socialist Cockneys of London wanted to a place up North to dominate as they felt the whole of South-East England was just not enough. So they sent up a regiment of communist students to parachute into North-West of Leeds and take over the districts of Burley, Hyde Park and Headingley. It was a landslide victory for the Cockneys. The then Mayor of Leeds, Prof. Sir Ricky Wilson, MBE gathered together a small army of drunken hooligan scum to fight back against the Cockneys. Alas, it was not to be.
The 15th Drunken Batallion of Leeds was brutally slaughtered in the battles of Holbeck, Chapel Allerton and Armley, and the Southerners, as a trophy, took the old buildings in these places and turned them into trendy bars. Prof. Wilson told the Londoners to try and capture Halton Moor or Gipton if they thought they were hard enough. These places scared the Londoners off but they're still operating in a secret lair underneath the Leeds University, ready to strike back one day.
[edit] Geography
Geography has never been important to the citizens of leeds, apart from one sad individual, one Ian 'Woody' Woodburn. He is a pedofile and has a graduate degree in pedoism. He enjoys smoking cigars and telling kids to 'get em out' he is on americas assassination list at number 1
A study into the geography of Leeds has never been conducted. Reasons for this often include "It would be far too boring and pointless for words"
The Fascistic Republic Of Leeds is a vast and sprawling country. Here are some of it's districts:
- Adel - Boring old biddies.
- Alwoodley - Posh toffs. Plenty of Yids.
- Armley - Where half of Leeds' population lives (there is a prison nearby).
- Beeston - Eh, just a shopping centre, a Co-Op and a few terrorists. Full of niggers and Paki bastards.
- Bramley - The easiest place in the world to get laid.
- Bramham - Doesn't exist until August Bank Holiday when a group of pissed up, "wacky" kids invade and try and set the place alight.
- Chapel Allerton - Actually even worse than it sounds
- Chapeltown - Didn't actually get out of the car to have a look at this one, no, I got out of the car because someone stole the wheels while i sat at traffic lights. I then decided I had all I needed
- Colton - Home of Temple Newsam (where the pissed up, "wacky" kids succesfully set alight).
- East End Park - All I remember of this place is a group of hooded teenagers walking towards me, carrying baseball bats. Then I magically teleported to a hospital bed.
- Farsley - This is where the Clevercunt tribe originated. They are similar to Homo Sapiens but tend to be some what more gangly and gormless. They are long,stupid and very big headed. Basically they are inveterate wankers. Some are reputed to have been able to punch bus tickets in a past life. A key feature is the proliferation of multi coloured teeth. A poor man's Pudsey.Home of green toothed unemployed wankers who are seen lurking the streets walking a whippet on a piece of string while really foraging for discarded woodbine tab ends. Be careful when approaching a member of the Clevercunt tribe as they will try to get it up your ass. They are well known bandits of the bum.
- Garforth - Boatloads of chavs encircle a small minority of unlucky normal people and a few goths ... also a fuck load of old bastards who read the joyous Daily Mail (Daily Hate Tabloid) Take it from --Rooob 17:56, 16 March 2009 (UTC), he has to live here.
- Gipton - I heard Satan used to live here until the locals scared him off, he changed his name to Ryan Lau & moved to Alwoodley in 2002.
- Harehills - AKA Little Baghdad. Look out for Osama.
- Halton Moor - Petition to rename this place Kickisfookineadin as that's all the locals seem to say.
- Headingley - FUCK OFF HOME PONCEY SOUTHERN STUDENT CUNTS. Arc is pretty decent.
- Holbeck - The world's best prostitutes. Believe me, they're world class down in The Beck. Blow jobs here are about 20 pence a time.
- Horsforth - Only taken notice of when travelling to the airport (undoubtedly by sane people leaving this place).
- Kirkstall - An Abbey. A railway. Er, that's it. Still, would rather be here than on the other side of the river in Bramley.
- Meanwood - It has farm. A fucking farm in the middle of the city. Nice one whoever thought that one up. (And I'm not talking about Meanwood Farm, but Beck Hill and Miles Hill. Scary places).
- Middleton - World's oldest railway, world's youngest yobs.
- Moortown - Contains the residence of King Harry Campbell the great, feared by Kebab houses the world over!
- Otley - Not really Leeds (lucky bastards, gutted for them they have an LS postcode though) ow and cant forget its inbred.
- Pudsey - The real Royston Vasey. A "local place" for "local people".
- Roundhay - I think every single character from Skins lives here.
- Seacroft - If you're not shagging your siblings then they won't take kindly to you round here.
- Shadwell - No cheapskate will ever live here.
- Woodhouse - yob=Always Smells Body Odour yup... ASBO
[edit] Transport
Leeds has in the past few years gained a reputation for its excellent transport system. First off there's the Leeds-Bradford Airport which is a lifeline for Leeds and brings in lots of morons with nowhere better to go. However the airport should not be mistaken for a shed on the end of a big of tarmac, as this would almost be right. Unfortunately Leeds City Council ran out of money building the shed at the end of and bit of tarmac, and decided to team up with Bradford and make Leeds-Bradford (another pile-of-shit Yorkshire town) just to try and lower the reputation even more.
The bus service really takes the piss. First Leeds has an Overground service, advertised as every 10 minutes when in reality it's every 40 minutes and three full up buses come.
Taxi drivers are wankers. Tell them you only have a few quid under the fare and they'll start being rude and swearing at you, eventually dumping you in the middle of nowhere at 3AM. Most of Leeds taxi drivers wear pajamas whilst driving. This is actually their national dress as most of them are illegal ragheads.
[edit] Customs
People from Leeds, or Loiners, have many quaint customs that are the source of much fascination from the outside world. First of all, Leeds people appear unfriendly and bedraggled. However, they are very reseved and polite people and love it when you approach them with a smile and some friendly chit-chat. They communicate in a series of low grunts (Mainly AW) so you should not be surprised if they do not appear to say much that is audible to your ear. This complex system of communication has evolved in all the time Leeds has been a real city and Leodensians have had to interact with outsiders. Since, say, the 1980's...
They also do not think much of others giving them suggestions on how to live their lives. They throw empty Coke cans, cigarette butts, crisp packets ,chewing gum and other non-biodegradable items away in the middle of a street or in the Headrow, yards from a waste receptacle (Or in my case a half empty cup of MY coke which i left in McDonalds [awful I know but we were waiting for the cinema] thrown by some 11 year old kids from't ud who clearly couldn't afford their own fucking coke. Wankers). This is not as irresponsible as it seems. It is the secret of Leeds' economic miracle and has generated many stable jobs in the street hygiene sector. (A project later adopted by China.)
It is considered acceptable to step out without first looking in the middle of fast moving traffic and expect it to come to a total standstill for you, even yards away from a pedestrian crossing. But if you are wearing a baseball cap, some expensive trainers and/or stripy jogging bottoms, the brake pedal may be "broken."
[edit] McDonalds
McDonalds is THE place to be in Leeds. If you're not there, you're belting the shit out of some poor unsuspecting Scunthorpe fan who's just there for a good time.
Back to the point, the McDonalds in Leeds is the only McDonalds to have no amount of red in the logo what so ever. This is because their hatred for Manchester United is so strong,they decided to smash it up. Their sign now consists of only yellow and white. How great
However Leeds' hatred of the color red is now redunant as they are no longer in the same league as Manchester United. So unless Whitby Town or Garforth WMC United begin playing in a red strip, the color red should be returned ASAP to the McDonalds logos in Leeds.
[edit] Art and culture
Many graffiti artists, which specialise in shit you cant read.
[edit] Visual arts
Street art or "graffiti" is a pleasant decoration seen around this city of pleasant eccentrics and individualists. You may see other examples of installation art such as vandalised bus shelters, piles of vomit, broken bottles, or the occasional burnt out car on a school playing field.
Leeds also has two art galleries, one of which is the Henry Moore institute. Henry Moore was from Castleford,which is not really Leeds. Well it is, in the way all those other little West Yorkshire satellite towns (Halifax, Bradford, Huddersfield etc) do NOT want to bask in the glory-hole that is Leeds.
"I've not been to the Henry Moore institute as you have to pay to get in, and everyone knows that good art galleries like the Tate Modern don't charge for you to enter," said an Uncyclopedia editor.
[edit] Cinema
Leeds is awash with the same, faceless cinemaplexes owned by faceless corporations that you would find in any other town. You can see all the same corny films as three quarters of the developed world watch anywhere else. This is why
[edit] Famous people
Other than Kathy I'll have to get back to you about this one. Depends what you mean by famous. No one that becomes famous here stays and admits to being from Leeds. Even the infamous rapists and mass murders are reluctant to admit they are from Leeds.
Mel B, aka Scary Spice, is from Leeds and is proud of that. But everyone else from Leeds wishes she wouldn't represent them as she had a baby with Eddy Murphy and trapped him. A lot of Leeds women tend do do this to make their husband/ boyfriend stay with them, but it rarely works and they end up on benefits in a council flat.
James Hall, follows leeds utd with all his mighty heart to actually believe they beat pompey in the carling cup away last year (mug)James is well known whipping boy in the area do to constant mickey taking out of his shite football team! Also, there is that gay faggot from leeds, whats his name? Chris Moyles?
[edit] Sport
[edit] Leeds United
I'm sorry, did you mean shit?
Once a Premiership side, Leeds are now in League 1 and not holding their own against teams who smell like men after a badminton match, in a desperate bid to justify the existence of this league, which lies some 2 divisions behind the Premiership. They will not be back.
Leeds tops the English football leagues in arrests for hooliganism. This alludes less to their physical prowess than their penchant for confronting 6 year-old children in ball-pens and adventure playgrounds.
Leeds United is owned evil dictator and con man Kenneth William Bates aka. Bad Santa, who has promised to continue to allow the clubs free-falling slide into a money oblivion, much to the delight of the FA, FIFA and every other human being with an IQ of 59 or more. Kenny Bates planned to add to elland road buy building a casino, hotel and what not in the middle of the pitch.
Famously, the great football manager, Brian don't-fuck-with-me Clough, took the club all the way from the bottom of the league to the dressing room, where he shot thirteen of the players with a pump-action shotgun. Nine of these died, three were seriously injured and one suffered a complete collapse of all basic mental functions. However, this wasn't immediately detected, and the player continued to feature in the club's first eleven for another five seasons.
Since 1997, in a perverse twist of fate, a typing error on the standard players contract at the club, necessitates that all players must commit physical acts of racist abuse and then transfer to Newcastle United within a three year period of signing. Anyone who fails to obey this is "punished" with a transfer to Manchester United, where they will win lots of trophies and earn millions of pounds, as has happened to Alan Smith, Eric Cantona, Joe Jordan and Dennis Irwin over the years (attempts to ask the club whether or not this is actually an effective punishment were responded to with "DURRR... WHAT'S A CONTRACT? CAN SOMEONE CHANGE MY DIAPER COS I GONE POOPY!"). A similar typo at Newcastle requires that they thenceforth become utterly useless and fritter away their meagre savings on coal and pickled herring's feet.
Leeds have had two mainly successful periods, the first in the 1960s-70s under manager Don Revie. During this period Leeds were a somewhat good side, but would never had won anything if they had not kicked the shit out of all opposing teams. The second happened in 1992, when Howard Wilkinson's side won the title. This was a complete fluke however - Graeme Souness had stabbed all his good players at Liverpool to death because none of them would admit who stole his bike, George Graham's attempt at creating a team made entirely of defenders had screwed up Arsenal's season, and Sir Alex Ferguson just didn't fancy winning Manchester United the title for another year even though Scum hadn't won it for 25 years. A better indicator of the "skill" of Wilkinson's side came the following year, when they nearly got relegated from the Premier League, but couldn't even do that right.
[edit] Farsley Celtic
Surprisingly, Leeds has a more succesfull team (yes, Farsley is a part of Leeds, apparently), who play two divisions outside the League. They've never done anything of note, but are the second most hated club outside the football league (after whichever club Steve "Corrupt Fucker" Evans is managing) simply due to the associations with their more infamous neighbours.
[edit] Leeds Rhinos
If you dont like football, try rugby. Unfortunatley in leeds this isnt possible. There are no parks and to many fat people so there is no chance of getting a team together in the first place so good luck you northern twats.
[edit] Cricket
The national sport of the Grim North is cricket. Leeds is notable for having the world's only annular cricket ground, Headingley, which completely encircles the city centre at a mean distance of 0.8 nautical miles from the town hall
[edit] Best sports Player
None yet.
[edit] Jimmy Saville
Offically the fittest man in Leeds, this living legend has run many marathons in his time.
[edit] Pop Music
[edit] 1970s
Due to the 1960s lasting 17 years (and counting) in Yorkshire, Pop Music didn't exist in Leeds until 1979 when the punk explosion hit. So there isn't much to go in this section, unless of course you count Paul & Barry Ryan, and Christie.
[edit] 1980s
In the grim post-punk years, Leeds was the scene of the invention of goth music, led by the gloom-laden sound of the Sisters of Mercy, who ruled the city for the whole decade. Goths are still a common sight in Leeds to this day.
[edit] 1990s
The Leeds popular music scene opted out of the 1990s under a European Union directive. (Lucky Leeds)
[edit] 2000s
Kaiser chiefs. Thats all.
[edit] Tourist explosion
Recently, Leeds has seen a huge explosion in its tourist industry. Africans and South Americans in particular have been flocking over to experience the year-round cold and miserable weather, a perfect anti-dote to the scorching sunshine of their home countries. The main Marks & Spencer store in the city (or at least the café inside it) appears to be a magnet for Americans boasting to each other about how great America is next to Britain. These same people seem to have invaded York too.
Many tourists are seen relaxing in deckchairs in Roundhay Park on midsummer afternoons, enjoying the local kebabs, rain and luke-warm Tetley bitter, before venturing to local pubs for an evening of drunkenness and violence.
Also popular are its "savage reservations" especially around Burley, Chapeltown, Seacroft, Swarcliffe, Harehills and bits of the city centre, where tourists can see real-life savagery in action, such as gangs of kids beating up students, stealing cars, burning down pubs and robbing houses.
[edit] Transport
[edit] Piggy Back Rides
Leeds new form of transport ladies and gentelmen!! (Clap)
Being the eco-friendly people Leeds are they have come up with a new form of transport
Yes, Piggy-Back rides!!
Fun for everyone
And no just for stupid Manchester footie fans.
[edit] Driving
Driving is the best way to get around the city, but if you are visiting or new to Leeds you should be aware of some changes to driving etiquette.
Most people have adopted the chav/boy racer, slumped posture when driving. When driving in Leeds be aware that people expect you to drive over twice the legal speed limit, depending on the area you are driving in (e.g. On a residential street that would normally be 30mph, you are expected to drive at 60mph.)
The dangers of speeding are not generally recognised here and locals despise speed cameras as a government plot of parting them with their hard earned cash that would otherwise be spent on baseball caps,stripey jogging pants, cigarettes, alcopops, striped hair or accessories for their cars,such as those big exhaust pipes they like to attach to their Fiat Puntos and Vauxhall Micras to give one the impression they are in fact driving a Ferrari.
One should note that these big exhaust pipes can be cheaply made by glueing a giant economy sized tin of beans onto the back of whatever clapped out banger you are intending to pass off as a sports car.
Drivers in Leeds are generally very relaxed drivers who have no fear of death. Two deviations from the norm of note are not indicating when changing lanes and pulling out at junctions in front of other road users and expecting them to decelerate from 40mph to 0mph over a distance of 2 metres.
Traffic lights should not be taken too seriously. A red light is merely a suggestion that it would be safer to wait, but don't worry if you do have an accident, its always the other persons fault. Again, if no one catches you it is not a crime. And the Leeds General Infirmary would solve any injuries caused.
[edit] Buses
Can be scary for the uninitiated, even then you have to be careful. First of all be prepared for surly bus drivers who downright feel offended if you ask them to tell you when your stop is. Not having a "dayrider", which lets you on without the need to speak to the driver, is a severe sin and will likely result in verbal abuse or ejection from the bus. Do not be surprised if they refuse to allow you to board if you need too much change from the money you have given them. They may also refuse you if you give them too much coinage or paper money which requires a lot of complex mental arithmatic to count. This is because the drivers are all ex-lorry drivers (due to CreditCrunch by Kellogs) and only took up driving buses as they are essentially the same as lorries, besides the till and the fact that your cargo argues back and stabs people.
If you are foreign (ie. not from Leeds) they may ask you to repeat yourself several times. Be reassured this is not because they have misunderstood you, but they love to hear foreign accents which reminds them there is a world outside of Leeds and how shit their life in Leeds really is.
Secondly, do not be surprised about people smoking on the top deck. Although this is illegal in the rest of the United Kingdom, the law only ever applies to "other people" in Leeds so no one will take responsibility for their own actions. Also loud, tinny, thumping, speeded up music that would not be out of place in a gay Manchester disco must at all times be played by monosyllabic teenagers not old enough to drive their own cars yet (Though it is legal to drive a car at any age as long as it is someone else's car)
Remember in Leeds it is considered very poor form to consider asking someone to stop doing something that is annoying or harmful to others.
[edit] Trains
Generally, not a good way of getting around Leeds as they only go to other places. Actually, that is a advantage...
But it officially has the most muggings and unprovoked attacks of any train station in England outside of London, therefore making the above fact obsolete.
Which is not surprising when you see the stressed out, angry commuters struggling to get through the ticket barriers after the conductor failed to come round the train to sell them the ticket they needed to get to Leeds on a train that was 30 minutes delayed. There are two pubs in the station which won awards for being the most smoker friendly in the country.
The smoking ban in England started in July 2007 but this does not apply to Leodensians as it is their right to smoke goddammit and no one has the right to be offended by the hazards of second hand smoke.
[edit] Trams
Leeds is a small city
Therefore it has no trams.
[edit] Cycling
I wouldn't if I were you. Did you know your more likely to get your bike nicked by a toddler with an asbo than anywhere else in the country?
[edit] Leeds Shopping
Leeds is officially shopping central. Back in the 1900 Leeds was where all your grannies clothes were made with tons of factories. Now it has some of the best shopping centres around.Yes, thats right, Leeds has its very own Primark.
Shopping in Leeds is a great day out for all the family chav gang.
[edit] Luxury apartments
Recently there has been a glut of property developers building "luxury apartments". Luxury apartments are a new thing in Leeds. They are characterised by the following amenities:
Having a river front view Two or more bedrooms And paint on the walls
If you cant afford to buy a luxury apartment or your just staying in Leeds for a couple of days I recommend you stay in a bin all night. Better accomodation anyway.
[edit] Conclusions
All in all, leeds is the worst place you could ever be without a bodyguard. If you want to experience leeds without all the trouble of driving there, sit inside a cardboard box. Then claim you're bigger than Sheffield, Manchester, London or anywhere else better than leeds. You should start to have a feeling of what life in leeds is like.
Notable People:
Lucas Radabe
Thomas While - Leeds' biggest sick note
Grant Davis - Worlds biggest head 2008 measuring 33inch in diameter.
