Leeds
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| State | Yorkshire |
| Official languages | Yorkshirish, Hebrew |
| Established | Roman times |
| Civic anthem | Marching on together, in division three/four/sunday league |
When the Romans came over to Britain, which they wanted to conquer, Julius Caesar ate a dodgy bowl of pasta somewhere near the Pennines. He needed the toilet badly but there wasn't one nearby, so he defecated in a field. He also drank some Italian wine and urinated next to the feces. Eventually this horrible pile of excreta mutated into a small town, which the Roman Generals named Leeds, Latin for "MAMA MIA, WHAT IS THAT A-HIDEOUS THING?!", and the urine became known as the River Aire, because the Romans were hoping that it would evaporate into the "aire" (original Latin).
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[edit] Geography
A study into the geography of Leeds has never been conducted. Reasons for this often include 'it would be far too boring and pointless for words' and the fact that the landscape is viewable exclusively in greyscale, meaning it appears as a vague, depressing paving slab to most geographers.
[edit] Customs
People from Leeds, or Loiners, have many quaint customs that are the source of much fascination from the outside world. These include making wigs for whippets, busking in the quadrangle created by a lingerie shop, a WH Smiths and a Pret a Manger and luring in Southerners with the promise of a Harvey Nichols. At first sight, Leeds-folk appear both unkempt and unfriendly, sporting a grim expression known as a 'Northern Leer'. However, if approached and stimulated with some inane chit-chat, they reveal themselves to be a polite, if reserved, section of society; they communicate mainly in a series of low grunts, so visitors should not be surprised if their speech is inaudible to the ears of 'foreigners.' This complex system of communication has evolved in all the time Leeds has been a real city ( circa. 1973) and Leodensians have had to interact with outsiders (circa. 1989). In recent years, a group of up-and-coming scientists, named the Kaiser Chiefs have taken it upon themselves to attempt greater communication with people from outside the city. Their efforts have, so far, proved only partially successful; whilst inside Leeds, their lyrics communicate deep, philosophical comment, outside the city's perimeter fence, the words are audible only as nonsense phrases such as 'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!', 'Na Na Na Na Na! and 'Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby! (Aaaaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaah!)' and 'Ee-Bii-Gum!'
[edit] Art and culture
Leeds has many graffiti artists, who specialise in shit you can't read.
Street art or "graffiti" is a pleasant decoration seen around this city of pleasant eccentrics and individualists. You may see other examples of installation art such as vandalised bus shelters, puddles of vomit, broken bottles, the occasional burnt out car on a school playing field and tramps decorate in an Art Deco style.
Leeds also has two art galleries, one of which is the Henry Moore Institute. Henry Moore was from Castleford- famous for it's snowboarding; no, really- which is not really Leeds. Well it is, in the same way all those other little West Yorkshire satellite towns - such Halifax, Bradford, Huddersfield, Manchaster and Scotland- are, who all seem strangely reluctant to bask in the soggy glory-hole that is Leeds.
“I've not been to it as you have to pay to get in and everyone knows that good art galleries, like the Tate Modern, don't charge for you to enter; any art worth seeing is cheap. And I don't dare venture up North, anyway. It's full of coal miners. ”
~ Brian Sewell on The Henry Moore Institute
[edit] Transport
In the past few years, Leeds has gained a well-deserved reputation for its crappy transport system.
[edit] Leeds-Bradford Airport
Leeds boasts a modern, well-respected and internationally renowned airport (built in 1947), which has been cited, by some locals who have never flown, as 'a hive of cosmopolitan travellers.' Leeds-Bradford Airport (named as such because Leeds could not afford to fund the airport itself, having spent the majority of the development budget on the city's Christmas Lights: Bradford kindly offered up the rest of the cash, in an effort to be put on the map as something other than 'a city near Leeds') is a lifeline for Leeds and brings in lots of morons with nowhere better to go. The airport is said by visitors to resemble a cheap shed at the end of a even-cheaper tarmac driveway; airport managers dismiss such claims as nonsense.
“We dismiss such claims as nonsense. ”
~ A passing airport manager on the claims of visitors
“I used to keep my pigeons there. ”
~ A nearby airport manager on the terminal
[edit] Taxis
When visiting Leeds, tourists should be sure to visit the infamous Leeds Station Taxi Rank and take in its bizarre, intricate and completely unnecessary lights and lanes system. Visitors should note the abundance of taxis loitering in the early afternoon- sometimes not moving for thirteen hours- and the complete lack of taxis after 11pm, when the drivers apparently find something more useful to do than their job.
“Taxi drivers are wankers. Tell them you only have a few quid under the fare and they'll start being rude and swearing at you, eventually dumping you in the middle of nowhere at 3AM. ”
~ Lord Mayor Judith Elliott on Leeds taxi drivers
[edit] Driving
Driving is the best way to get around the city, but if you are visiting or new to Leeds you should be aware of some changes to driving etiquette. If you drive through Headingley- home to nearly 5 million students and a perceived route for 'avoiding traffic'-, you are completely buggered, in a never-ending 78 mile traffic jam which leads to a simple drive to the local shop taking approximately 23 hours (outside of rush-hour, providing there isn't a cricket match on.)
Most people have adopted the chav/boy racer, slumped posture when driving, as it particularly comfortable for Leeds-folk, given their natural Northern inclination to slouch, demonstrating their dpression at being Northern and general apathy. When driving in Leeds be aware that people expect you to drive over twice the legal speed limit, depending on the area you are driving in (e.g. in a residential street that would normally be 30mph, you are expected to drive at 60mph.)
The dangers of speeding are not generally recognised here, though a little known, but true, fact is that the A65, just outside Leeds, boasts the highest concentration of speed cameras in Europe. To combat this, local residents have taking to riding in pony carts on this particular road. The locals truly despise these speed cameras, seeing them as a government ploy to part them with their hard earned cash that could otherwise be spent on baseball caps, stripy jogging pants, cigarettes, alcopops, striped hair or accessories for their cars, such as those big exhaust pipes they like to attach to their Fiat Puntos and Nissan Micras to give one the impression they are in fact driving a Ferrari.
One should note that these big exhaust pipes can be cheaply made by gluing a giant economy sized tin of beans onto the back of whatever clapped-out banger you are intending to pass off as a sports car.
Drivers in Leeds are generally very relaxed drivers who have no fear of death. Two deviations from the norm of note are not indicating when changing lanes and pulling out at junctions in front of other road users and expecting them to decelerate from 40mph to 0mph over a distance of 2 metres.
Traffic lights should not be taken too seriously. A red light is merely a suggestion that it would be safer to wait, but don't worry if you do have an accident, it's always the other persons fault. Again, if no one catches you, it is not a crime. And the Leeds General Infirmary are happy to reapir any injuries received in the pursuit of human rights.
[edit] Buses
The bus service really takes the piss, optimistically advertised as 'every 10 minutes'. Surveys have shown, however, that passengers are 'lucky' for their chosen bus to arrive once every hour and that the buses are often completely full with 9-to-5 zombies, 13-year-old boys in tracksuits and pensioners around two days away from death. The buses tend to be more than 256 years old and the bus drivers are free to take a break, when and where they desire, including at traffic lights, bus stops, junctions, outside pubs and in multi-storey parking garages.
Leeds has a guided busway, but ambulances, quite irresponsibly, use them in emergencies, often when they have particularly unattractive patients or local celebrities in the back.
Using the buses can be both stressful and terrifying for the uninitiated; even for long-time users, the perils of the bus service in Leeds are numerous and frightening.
First of all be prepared for surly bus drivers who will always feel mortally offended if you ask them to tell you when your stop is and will openly demonstrate their feelings of indignation to passengers. Not having a "Dayrider", which lets you on without the need to speak to the driver- always preferable-, is a severe sin and will likely result in verbal abuse, ejection from the bus or mockery in the form of a limerick. Do not be surprised if they refuse to allow you to board upon presentation of too much coinage or, the ultimate insult, paper money which requires a lot of complex mental arithmetic and time to count. This is because the drivers are all ex-lorry drivers (due to CreditCrunch by Kellogg's) and only took up driving buses as they are essentially the same as lorries, besides the till and the fact that your cargo argues back and stabs people; they are therefore mentally unequipped for mathematics.
If you are foreign (ie. not from Leeds) they may ask you to repeat yourself several times. Be reassured this is not because they have misunderstood you, but because they love to hear foreign accents, which reminds them that there is a world, and hope, outside of Leeds, as well as reminding them how shit their life in Leeds really is.
Secondly, do not be surprised about people smoking on the top deck. Although this is illegal in the rest of the United Kingdom, the law only ever applies to "other people" in Leeds so no one will take responsibility for their own actions. Also loud, tinny, thumping, speeded up music that would not be out of place in a gay discothèque must at all times be played by monosyllabic teenagers not old enough to drive their own cars yet (Though it is legal to drive a car at any age as long as it is someone else's car)
Remember in Leeds it is considered very poor form to consider asking someone to stop doing something that is annoying or harmful to others.
[edit] Trains
Generally, not a good way of getting around Leeds as they only go to other places. Which is considered, by most, to be a distinct advantage.
However, Leeds Station officially has the most muggings and unprovoked attacks of any station in England outside of London, therefore making the above fact obsolete. It is often featured on the late-night crime and drunkeness showcase that is ITV's 'Nightwatch.'
The train services on offer are utterly baffling in many cases; passengers who wish to travel to Scotland or Newcastle are advised to first travel to London, then catch a train to Brussels and from there, sadly no replacement bus service is offered. By that point, however, it is no longer the problem of the staff of Leeds Station, which they are ever-so-thankful for as they prefer to stand around or lean against barriers in order to discuss things in very strong Yorkshire accents.
Leeds Station is, notably, one of few major 'closed' train stations in the UK, meaning that passengers must show their tickets upon entering and leaving the platforms; up until early 2009, chronically-depressed members of staff checked the tickets from inside passport-control-style cabins, but after Station Managers realised that these staff members were openly napping and masturbating- in lieu of checking tickets-, they installed automatic ticket barriers instead, which would not only improve efficiency and lower staff costs, but allow Leeds to appear more like London and therefore retain its prestigious title of 'Knightsbridge of the North'; namely, the barriers are similar to those on the London Undergound, except with orange bits and see-through, plastic gates. Unfortunately, staff costs, time-taken and passenger irritation has increased since the installation, as the barriers often fail to work and station staff are called upon to rescue shrieking passengers from the gates.
Another common cause of passenger-ire that one might see at Leeds Station are the results of the conductor failing to come round the delayed-by-30-minutes train to sell them the ticket they need in order to exit the station, meaning that passengers need to purchase them from lemonade-stand-style booths dotted sporadically around the station, often manned by smug pairs of middle-aged men.
There are two pubs in the station which have previously won awards for being the most smoker friendly in the country. The smoking ban in England started in July 2007, but this does not apply to Leodensians as it is their bloomin' right to smoke and no Southern-bloody-softie has the right to be offended by the hazards of second hand smoke.
[edit] Cycling
“I wouldn't if I were you. ”
~ Junior British Extreme Cycling Champion, B.M. Exley, from his hospital bed, on cycling in Leeds
In Leeds, you are more likely to get your bike stolen by a toddler with an ASBO than anywhere else in the country, a fact which the city's occupants pride themselves upon. If you do decide to cycle in Leeds, you are advised to avoid buses, as the drivers are involved in a competition, officially sanctioned and strongly encouraged by First and Metro, to eliminate all cyclists and employ tactics such as overtaking, before deliberately crashing into cyclists and rear-ending, in the hope of crushing all puny bike-riders.
The roads of Leeds would be strewn with dead victims of this sport, if not for the fact that within minutes, the locals steal the bike and sell the body to one of Leeds' many kebab shops for donner meat.
[edit] Tourist Explosion
Recently, Leeds has seen a huge explosion in its tourist industry. Africans and South Americans in particular have been flocking over to experience the year-round cold and miserable weather, a perfect antidote to the scorching sunshine of their home countries. The main Marks & Spencer store in the city (or at least the café inside it) appears to be a magnet for Americans boasting to each other about how great America is next to Britain. These same people seem to have invaded York too.
Many tourists are seen relaxing in deckchairs in Roundhay Park on midsummer afternoons, enjoying the local kebabs, rain and luke-warm Tetley bitter, before venturing to local pubs for an evening of drunkenness, violence and STDs.
Also popular are its "savage reservations" especially around Burley, Chapeltown, Seacroft, Swarcliffe, Harehills and bits of the city centre, where tourists can see real-life savagery in action, such as gangs of kids beating up students, stealing cars, burning down pubs and robbing houses.
[edit] Leeds Shopping
Leeds is officially shopping central. Back in the 1900 Leeds was where all many of the Edwardian-era's worst, and cheapest, clothes were produced. Nowadays, it has some of the best shopping destinations in the country. Although Harvey Nichols and the 'upscale' stores of the Victorian Quarter have been featured in various magazines and attract swarms of upper--middleclass Land Rover drivers, most locals would agree that Primark is the best shop the city has to offer its residents.
[edit] Luxury apartments
Recently there has been a glut of property developers converting disused mills, factories, mills, sewage works, mills and prisons building "luxury apartments". Luxury apartments are a new thing in Leeds, as their is a time-delay on 'trends' moving up from London (around a decade). They are characterised by the following amenities:
- Having a river front view
- Two or more bedrooms
- Paint on the walls
- A Pseudo-Balcony
All potential-buyers should note that a suit, liberal application of colgne and hair gel and a generally smarmy attitude are required to be considered as a buyer/tenant of any Leeds' over-abundance of luxury apartments.
[edit] Sport
[edit] Leeds United
Once a Premiership side, Leeds are now in League 1 and not holding their own against teams who smell like men after a badminton match, in a desperate bid to justify the existence of this league, which lies some 2 divisions behind the Premiership. They will not be back.
Leeds tops the English football leagues in arrests for hooliganism. This alludes less to their physical prowess than their penchant for confronting 6-year-old children in ball-pens and adventure playgrounds.
Leeds United is owned by evil dictator and con man Kenneth William Bates aka. Bad Santa, who has promised to continue to allow the club's free-falling slide into a money oblivion, much to the delight of the FA, FIFA and every other human being with an IQ of 59 or more. Kenny Bates planned to add to Elland road by building a casino, hotel and what not in the middle of the pitch.
Famously, the great football manager, Brian don't-fuck-with-me Clough, took the club all the way from the bottom of the league to the dressing room, where he shot thirteen of the players with a pump-action shotgun. Nine of these died, three were seriously injured and one suffered a complete collapse of all basic mental functions. However, this wasn't immediately detected, and the player continued to feature in the club's first eleven for another five seasons.
Since 1997, in a perverse twist of fate, a typing error on the standard players contract at the club, necessitates that all players must commit physical acts of racist abuse and then transfer to Newcastle United within a three year period of signing. Anyone who fails to obey this is "punished" with a transfer to Manchester United, where they will win lots of trophies and earn millions of pounds, as has happened to Alan Smith, Eric Cantona, Joe Jordan and Dennis Irwin over the years (attempts to ask the club whether or not this is actually an effective punishment were responded to with "DURRR... WHAT'S A CONTRACT? CAN SOMEONE CHANGE MY DIAPER COS I GONE POOPY!"). A similar typo at Newcastle requires that they thenceforth become utterly useless and fritter away their meagre savings on coal and pickled herrings.
Leeds have had two mainly successful periods, the first in the 1960s-70s under manager Don Revie. During this period Leeds were a somewhat good side, but would never had won anything if they had not kicked the shit out of all opposing teams. The second happened in 1992, when Howard Wilkinson's side won the title. This was a complete fluke however - Graeme Souness had stabbed all his good players at Liverpool to death because none of them would admit who stole his bike, George Graham's attempt at creating a team made entirely of defenders had screwed up Arsenal's season, and Sir Alex Ferguson just didn't fancy winning Manchester United the title for another year even though Scum hadn't won it for 25 years. A better indicator of the "skill" of Wilkinson's side came the following year, when they nearly got relegated from the Premier League, but couldn't even do that right.
[edit] Farsley Celtic
The little-known, even less successful second club of Leeds, Farsley Celtic (yes, Farsley is part of Leeds apparently) never did anything of note and eventually went bankrupt in 2009. This caused nationwide celebrations after the headlines "Leeds football club goes out of business" were widely circulated, until someone pointed out it was actually Farsley Celtic that had gone bankrupt, not Leeds United.
[edit] Cricket
The national sport of the Grim North is cricket. Leeds is notable for having the world's only annular cricket ground, Headingley, which completely encircles the city centre at a mean distance of 0.8 nautical miles from the town hall.
[edit] Pop Music
- 1970s: Due to the 1960s lasting 17 years (and counting) in Yorkshire, Pop Music didn't exist in Leeds until 1979 when the punk explosion hit. So there isn't much to go in this section, unless of course you count Paul & Barry Ryan, and Christie.
- 1980s: In the grim post-punk years, Leeds was the scene of the invention of goth music, led by the gloom-laden sound of the Sisters of Mercy, who ruled the city for the whole decade. Goths are still a common sight in Leeds to this day.
- 1990s: The Leeds popular music scene opted out of the 1990s under a European Union directive. (Lucky Leeds)
- 2000s: The Kaiser Chiefs were unleashed upon an unwilling world. All attempts for the city to accept them back and forbid them from ever leaving the city again were refused, as the Mayor, city residents and local animals were glad to be rid of the Kaiser Chiefs. Or 'the Talentless Curse' as they were also known. Also, the city saw it as a means for getting revenge on the rest of the country for calling them 'Northern' and 'backward.' Similar tactics were employed with the unleashing of Chris Moyles.
[edit] Conclusions
“Leeds is the worst place you could ever visit without a bodyguard. ”
~ Bronx-based gang member (anonymous for his own safety) on Leeds
If desirous of the 'Leeds Experience' but without the nerve, means or appropriate innoculations to travel there, people are advised to sit inside a soggy cardboard box, drink some cider and then claim, at length, that you are bigger than Sheffield, Manchester, London or anywhere else in the world, going on to accuse occupants of those places of being 'soft' and 'snobs'.
Barmy British Stuff 
