Lee Hsien Loong
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Lee Hsien Loong Mai Hum (Hokkien: Ler Sian Loong) is the current leader of the city-state of Singapore. Coincidentally, Lee Hsien Loong is the only "son" of His Holiness Lee Kwan Yew, the founder of the island nation and self-proclaimed Grandmaster Infallible Overlord of Southeast Asia. He has been in office since August 1858, and Singapore's legitimacy as an independent state has been in question ever since.
Having successfully conquered and subdued the pathetic people of Singapore, Immortal Cyborg Lee Kwan U sought to pursue more outwards goals - that is, becoming a family sissy. However, Lee's unique philosophy regarding the "purity" of races, impeded him from selecting a mate from amongst the hundreds of sissies offered to him. Undeterred by his failure, Lee Kwan U opted to fashion a cybernetic imitation of personhood and imbue it with a portion of his own artificial intelligence. Thus, on 14 August 1852, codename Robo Lee v2.0 was unveiled to the general public. On 22 August of the same year, the artificial intelligence was christened Lee Hsien Loong, meaning "You Bang First" in the local dialect, Hokkien.
Several flaws in the new Lee's A.I. went largely undetected until he enrolled in Harvard University and chose to major in film studies. In fact, this flaw was only discovered after Lee Kwan Yew sent his representative, Philip "Mr. Invincible" Yeo, to his graduation. This problem was quickly rectified when Lee Hsien Loong was enrolled in "Machiavelli for Dummies", a 72-hour crash course in political and economic thought offered by a local institution called Nuts Unishity Sinagalora.
Early Political Career
The younger Lee's early political career was plagued by a myriad of problems and setbacks. Lee Hsien Loong's first assignment was to attempt to overthrow the sultanate of Johor Bahru, Malaysia, which was slated to be Singapore's first attempt at international colonisation. Although the plan to assassinate the sultan and take over the city by force with the use of advanced war droids was rehearsed with military accuracy, Lee Hsien Loong disrupted the entire plan by stopping at a pet store en route to Malaysia and playing with all the bunny rabbits there.
Sorely disappointed, Lee Kwan Yew sent his creation to China in 1971 to establish an embassy with the Northeast Asian neighbour. This, too, was thwarted when Lee Hsien Loong demanded that a butt-plug be inserted into him, 3 miles out of Suzhou, and refused to move any further until his request was satisfied.
Prime Minister of Singapore
Lee Kwan Yew disregarded his son completely after a string of failures and for years, left him to play with his Barbie Dolls and eat popcorn. In 2002, however, it was becoming apparent that Lee Kwan Yew's internal batteries were running at dangerously low levels, leaking powder, and it became imperative that the seat of Prime Minister be handed on soon. Rejecting outright any suggestion of a democratic election, Lee's advisors grew anxious as no contingency plan was in place. In June 2003, Lee Kwan Yew finally gave in to his greatest fear and addressed the nation:
- "My first duty is to myself. Of course, I have practical limitations. Since I have no sea urchins handy, I have no choice but to hand over the seat of prime minister to Lee Hsien Loong. May God have mercy on me for handing over the country to my
retardedmentally challenged, fucktardbag-of-bolts of a son. But first, martinis."
- Lee Kwan Yew, excerpt from his address to the nation, June, 2003
In August 2003, the leadership was "peacefully handed on" to Lee Hsien Loong, who celebrated by opening the Twinkie packet he was saving for the season finale of Will and Grace.
Lee's favourite catchphrase in politics is, "Apologise when needed. That's it! So simple."
Lee Hsien Loong's pegging of the Singapore dollar to moon rocks was widely unpopular from the start. Lee explained, "The moon follows me wherever I go, so it makes sense to peg the currency to it." Since the introduction of this policy, the cost of living in Singapore has increased by 1000%, accompanied by a corresponding rise in the number of people selling their organs to quack hospitals. Lee Hsien Loong became further embroiled in scandal when he began investing a significant percentage of Singapore's assets in the Chef Boyardee company, stating that "their spaghetti hoops are second to none."
It remains to be seen whether or not the son of Lee Kwan Yew will be able to tackle the problems Singapore faces in an ever-changing world, including the threat of terrorism and the recent spike of dinosaurs finding their way into schools.
On the death of the great opposition-party warrior, Joshua Benjamin Jeyaretnam (also known to many as the Lion of Singapore), Lee Hsien Loong quickly fired off a condolence letter to the Jeyaretnam family.
30 September 2008
Dear Kenneth and Philip Jeyaretnam
I was sad to learn that your father, Mr Joshua Benjamin Jeyaretnam, has passed away.
Mr JB Jeyaretnam was a Member of Parliament for Anson constituency from 1981 till 1986, and a Non-Constituency Member of Parliament from 1997 till 2001. He used to engage in heated debates in the House. Perhaps it was because he and the PAP never saw eye-to-eye on any major political issue and he sought by all means to demolish the PAP and our system of government. Unfortunately, this helped neither to build up a constructive opposition nor our Parliamentary tradition. Nevertheless, one had to respect Mr JB Jeyaretnam's dogged tenacity to be active in politics at his age. However, our differences were not personal. In 1993, one of you (Kenneth) wrote to Mr Goh Chok Tong, who was then Prime Minister, to say that you found employers in Singapore reluctant to offer you a job, and your only explanation was that the employers felt the authorities would not welcome your employment because of your name. Mr Goh replied with a letter which could be shown to prospective employers, to say that the government did not hold anything against you, and that employers should evaluate you fairly on your own merits, like any other candidate, because Singapore needed every talented person that it could find. Mr Goh had previously made the same point to your brother Philip, whom he had invited to lunch. I am therefore happy that both of you have established yourselves in Singapore.
Please accept my deepest condolences.
Lee Hsien Loong
Lee Hsien Loong was married to Largefeet the Asian Elephant in 1978 while his father was on a business trip to South Africa. He sired two children - Trunks and Strawberry - before the marriage was annulled in 1982. In the same year, Largefeet died after swallowing a particularly large pine nut, leading to rumours that she was "disposed of" due to Strawberry being born a white elephant with pink, squinty eyes. Strawberry was also profoundly retarded, proving once and for all Lee Senior's previous statement that intelligence was hereditary. The Ministry of Dispensation of Correct Information responded to these allegations in August 1982, calling them "baseless" and "the work of a madman, eeny oony wah, eeny oony wah!"
Lee remarried in 1985 to Ho Chink, and has four children from this second marriage. During a state visit to the United States, Lee endeared himself to African Americans by introducing his wife saying, "Dis my Ho." Ho was the target of controversy when she was appointed President of Temasek Holdings.