LeBron James

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“HEY!!! EVERYBODY!!! LOOK AT ME!!!! I'LL BE DOING THIS FOR A FULL HOUR!!!! HI MOM!!!!”
~ LeBron James at the start of the hour-long ESPN special on July 9, 2010
Lebron biting nails

James enjoys an on-court snack while waiting for a player he has assaulted to take two free throws.

LeBron James (born December 30, 1984) is an American professional basketball player for the Cleveland Caucasians of the National Basketball Association (NBA). He amazes basketball fans with his athleticism, except only when (1) the game is on the line, or (2) the season is on the line. He amazes basketball fans in his hometown of Cleveland with his commitment to them, except only when an even bigger paycheck is on the line.

Birth

LeBron James collage

Although no one born in Akron knows who his father is, LeBron's resemblance to King Kong is unmistakeable.

LeBron James is one of the most intriguing human specimens on the planet. Doctors who witnessed the birth say LeBron jumped out of his mother, 16-year-old Gloria LeBron, at an astounding 6'3", 235 lbs, instantly killing her--a sad loss for the Intercity Women's League, where Gloria, heavy with child, was already becoming famous for setting effective picks.

Luckily, one of the many incompetent NBA referees was present and assessed the newborn LeBron with a flagrant-two foul. LeBron proceeded to cry, which was punished with a $25,000 fine. The episode obviously occurred before NBA Commissioner David Stern understood LeBron's full marquee potential.

LeBron's name was registered based on documents that Gloria left behind. Tragically, the simple lack of a comma resulted in the permanent transposition of his obvious first and last name. LeBron hoped to divert attention from this case of African Americans being unserious about naming their newborns by moving to Miami, where he was paired with Dwyane [sic] Wade.

Currently, LeBron James is measured at 6'8". His weight remains unknown, as it is off the scales devised for measuring people, and his contract provides that he does not have to walk onto a truck scale. As unseen planets are detected orbiting stars, LeBron's weight is estimated at 14 metric tons based on his gravitational pull on other heavenly bodies on the hardwood. His actual weight also varies depending on the amount of jewelry he elects to wear onto the court.

College

Cryinglebron

Despite abridging his formal education, LeBron came to the NBA fully mature.

LeBron's college career is easily summarized: There Isn't Any. Due to the high likelihood of success in the NBA, and the virtual certainty of failure in the classroom, the NBA drafted him right out of high school, when the Caucasians selected him with the first pick overall in 2003. The team, which was then referred to as the Cadavers, acquired the right to draft this specimen of excellence by being a specimen of awfulness, resulting in LeBron amassing several records for an NBA rookie, as the only member of the team who could either dribble or shoot.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about LeBron James.

Unfortunately, child labor laws prevented the Cadavers from drafting LeBron straight out of elementary school, and he put together numbers for Akron's Saint Godzilla High School that were only slightly better than the child star could have done in the NBA.

Darling of the NBA

“Your royal penis is clean, your highness.”
~ The Commissioner

LeBron won the NBA's Most Valuable Player (MVP) award in two consecutive years (2009 and 2010) as had never happened before, and not because no one else was that good. Commissioner David Stern also helped boost his career by giving him the MVP two more times in 2012 and 2013, along with a package containing two NBA championships including Finals MVPs to go with them.

LeBron can take a plane flight and turn off his cell-phone without consequences. Or, he can get on the phone with NBA Commissioner David Stern to make sure it is still okay to shove opponents without a foul being called, and to flop to get the ref's attention that he was fouled.

Tattoos

Lebron

The moment that LeBron discovered he did not receive the simple heart-with-girlfriend's-name that he requested.

Unbeknownst to most NBA fans, LeBron's body is covered with tattoos. A banner on his back proclaims him to be the "Chosen 1". Unfortunately, negotiations with the NBA to let him play without the usual uniform shirt have stalled. LeBron's agent believes that the large "1" in the tattoo could serve as a jersey number, and is unnecessary in any case because LeBron never commits fouls.

On the left arm are names and renditions of LeBron's two sons. In case he forgets. This was a satisfactory alternative to full custody.

On the right arm is "Akron," LeBron's hometown, and "330," the telephone area code, and incidentally, the typical number of steps LeBron takes to drive the lane. In 2010, the Miami Herald reported that he had an appointment with a local tattoo parlor to strike out "330" and tattoo underneath "305/786," the area codes for Miami (land-lines and cell-phones, respectively). If additional blank space can be found elsewhere on his body, the tattoo artist will append the remainder of his home phone number, to simplify phoning home to find out if any new contract offers have come through, and to facilitate communication with groupies. The other phone number located on LeBron James left forearm is that of the NBA front office. In a televised interview on ESPN, James claimed:

“I received that tattoo in 2009 for motivation. I felt like my game was falling apart in the crunch time, so that tattoo served as inspiration to contact [David] Stern's office in order to win championships. It means a whole lot to me and I always concentrate on the number right before I flop after a foul.”
~ LeBron James, 2011

Style of play

Whenever LeBron comes driving down the lane, other players get the hell out of the way, the alternative being to have LeBron dunk on you, with either his testicles in your mouth or your teeth on the floor. The result is dozens of points on uncontested shots. Occasionally, a rookie who has either not yet suffered a season-ending injury or is already on painkillers fouls LeBron. LeBron goes to the free-throw line, where he entertains fans with a dazzling mixture of bricks and air-balls.

LeBron tends to take about eight steps before every successful layup, a nuance permitted by the NBA's star-coddling interpretation of the rulebook. Whether violating the rule against traveling or traveling over the loyalty of Ohioans, the NBA believes that, to paraphrase an Eisenhower cabinet secretary, what's good for LeBron is good for America.

LeBron pwned by Bryant

LeBron's perennial duel with Kobe Bryant is summarized by Bryant consistently dominating and embarrassing LeBron, which includes the 2013 All-Star game, where Bryant rejected James twice. Bryant wins championships, but LeBron instead relishes taking his team deep into the playoffs, regardless of its inability to win the key game. Likewise, LeBron enjoys winning the MVP award year after year, while Bryant settles for the relatively minor award for MVP of the league Finals, which Bryant's team wins and LeBron's team rarely reaches.

LeBron pwned by Crawford

LeBron James pwned

Fortunately for the historical record, the NBA was unable to track down and kill every spectator who brought a cell phone into the arena. This unauthorized photo shows the pwnage of LeBron with crystal clarity.

In 2009, at a skills clinic at Xavier University organized by LeBron and sponsored by Nike, basketball wannabee Jordan Crawford got around LeBron's impenetrable defense and slam-dunked a basketball. LeBron, who was still dealing with an urgent text he had received and was trying to work those tiny buttons, insisted that the organizers confiscate the CBS videotape.

Commmissioner Stern, a more shrewd businessman, helpfully tied up the loose ends by having all the cameramen killed and having Crawford forcibly hypnotized to forget the incident.

LeBron's Wikipedia article, despite treating him with kid gloves, admits that his amateur censorship "courted controversy." Fortunately for gate receipts, neither this nor any of the other controversies LeBron courted went all the way.

Cleveland pwned by LeBron

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LeBron James in Yankees cap

Before the move, Cleveland had absolutely no basis to question LeBron's loyalty to the city.

Like Richard Nixon eagerly hoping that uncooperative subordinates "twist slowly, slowly in the wind," LeBron thanked the City of Cleveland for 7 seasons of uncontested fame, 6 NBA All-Star Games, a scoring championship, 2 MVPs, 4 NBA All-First Teams, and Rookie of the Year, by attaining free agency, conducting a week of high-profile flirting with out-of-town teams, and announcing his decision in a one-hour program on the ESPN sports network, which followed a three-hour pre-game show.

There he announced he would "take my talents to South Beach," which is a nightclub district a mere taxicab ride away from where the Miami Heat play. He gushed about the Heat, which recently won a full 15 games in the 82-game NBA season. Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland team, took out a full-page ad to wish LeBron the best. "We don't need you. We never needed you," Gilbert insisted, giving fans key insight as to why the club acquired him. Psychologist Jesse Jackson explained to a confused nation that Gilbert was obviously a racist who viewed LeBron as "a freed slave."

Pwnage on the ridings

While LeBron rode South, his Mama was still riding West. But it's not worth swearing at fans, Big Guy.

In April 2011, LeBron's Mama rode a Miami Beach parking valet at four in the morning, but police released her on personal recognizance. "You have to move forward," LeBron told the press. "There's certain things you have to deal with." Readers will understand the delicate nature of the situation, recalling all the times their mothers have been booked for assault.

Turnabout and fair play

In 2014, LeBron decided to stop "taking his talents to South Beach" and instead to take them back to the concrete shores of Lake Erie, to the club that still "doesn't need him" and never will. Remarkably, this decision was made without a prime-time television special featuring text-in polls and man-on-the-street interviews. In fairness, though the North Coast has no South Beach, Cleveland does have the Nautica riverwalk district, with hot nightspots and no need for wooden piers and pilings, as clubgoers can walk on the rubbery surface of the Cuyahoga River, provided they are careful where they toss their cigarette butts.

Fans in Miami were distraught, as LeBron had taken the team to the NBA finals only three of the four years of his brief sojourn with them, and even one of those had failed to result in the championship.

The Caucasians can now re-mortgage the arena and plan for a certain waltz to the Championship of the pedestrian NBA Eastern Division, subject only to finding four chumps to wear the same color uniform as LeBron, work for the crumbs left over after paying LeBron's salary, and grin and bear it when he tells a media interviewer after each occasional loss how they let him down.

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