Lawn bowls

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Lawn bowls in an extreme sport which involves the use of round bowls to destroy and innocent piece of chalk 'affectionately' known as a 'jack'or your opponent or spectators.

Lawn Bowls is a "Internationally" recognised sport played by a few, not many, very old men and women and a few young boys forced to play it by the same old men. It is basically a sport where violence rules the field. The more bloody the battle is, the better the crowd will cheer. In the end, even if a player has scored more points, the person who is the most liked by the crowd wins. Why? Because if the umpire does not follow the crowd...well, most likely he dies.

Gameplay Objective

The main objective of Lawn Bowls is to launch the ball off the jack and into your opponent/Spectators. Or Just aim for a direct hit of your opponent. The 'Jack' often thrown into the crowd for added entertainment, there have been instances where bowling balls are used instead of traditional bowls for added entertainment. Different parts of the human body gives different points.

Scoring Here is the scoring system of the game. Like previously mentioned, different parts hit provide different points scored. This scoring system is endorsed by the IFLBI, or International Federation of Lawn Bowls Idiots.

Arm: 1 Point Leg: 1 Point Chest: 2 Points Abdomen: 3 Points Head : 4 Points Groin/Jackpot: 5 Points

However, if the bowl hits an opponent, the person gets 1 point. Thus, a match often results in a free for all brawl. There is no booking for dangerous play because most of the time the referee is in the toilet, wanking to a porno magazine of OAP's weekely

Please be mindful of killing on the field. Blood spoils the grass. However, if you "accidentally" kill your opponent or more likly due to old age a heart attack or some form of stroke happens, you are given 5 points. If the opponent dies of internal bleeding after the match, you are automatically declared the winner. Because of this rule, there have been cases where the ball was rigged.

Contents 1 Rules and scoring 2 Equipment 3 Technique 3.1 Advanced technique 4 Extreme rules 5 See Also

[edit] Rules and scoring

The aim of lawn bowls is to get your bomb bowl as close as possible to the jack. This isn't as easy as it sounds, since most players think it is funny to place the jack on a frictionless surface (strangely enough, this is actually encouraged by various governing body's).

Each set is made up of 9 ends. Players score points as shown below. The first player to get 2 super hyper mega happy points wins the match.

Players score points as follows:

• 1 point for each bomb bowl that is closer to the jack then your opponent.
• 1 point for each bomb bowl still in play (still in play counts as either not in the gutter, or not being horribly destroyed)
• 1 super hyper mega happy point for scoring the most points in a set

There are many other complex rules (see below) that come into play in a game of lawn bowls, although for this brief summary, it is important to note the single most important rule in lawn bowls; A player may only light his/her bowl 20 seconds or lower before his or her turn. Failure to do this has result in the death of many, many innocent cockroaches.

[edit] Equipment

White is traditionally worn as if neither opponent is killed the one showing the most blood is the victor

The following is a diffinative list of all equipment that is needed for a lawn bowls player:

• Each team is required to have four bowls of their own colour (see image right). Each bowl has it's own bias which causes it so swing wildly in one direction. Opposing teams may inspect (read: rig) the bowls. This can be done by;
  • Changing the length of the fuse
  • Changing the side of the bias
  • 'Accidentally' dropping the bowl
• A spray can. This is needed to mark the bowl since there is no other way of telling that it was the bowl that blew the jack to hell and back (hey! that rhymes!) What ever I don't care!
• Measuring tape. How else are you going to tell how far the balls have gone?
• A towel. Not only is it the most valuable thing in the universe, this is an extreme sport, and it's paramount there is a hygienic way of disposing of sweat.

[edit] Technique

It is important to follow the correct technique when playing lawn bowls.

• 1. First of all, pick the bowl up with both hands
• 2. Place the bowl in one hand.
• 3. Get down on one knee
• 4. Place a wedding ring on the bowl
• 5. Throw it towards the jack

[edit] Advanced technique

There is one other technique that may be employed by a player, however it is as precise and intricate as a well played game of chess.

• 1. Light the bowl
• 2. Hurl the bomb

“Don't you mean 'bowl'?”

~ That guy on that last comment

uh... yeah, the bowl at the opposing bowler.

• 3. Ensure he trips and that he cannot move.
• 4. Watch him explode into a thousand little pieces.

“Oh come on! The laws of physics say that physically impossible!”

~ Science on the laws of physics

[edit] Extreme rules

This is a list of all rules that most players will need to know how to play lawn bowls.

• Players may not substitute bowls with bowling balls. That is just wrong and may hurt someone.
• Although any form of spray is allowed to mark bowls that have knocked the jack to hell and back (still rhymes!), capsicum spray is right out.
• Mini skirts are restricted to women 70 years and under.
• Mini skirts are strictly off limits for men. Although Speedo's are allowed.
• Score keeping may only be done by individuals who can count up to 10 or greater.
• It is imperative that all participants (from this moment forth, known as 'players') ensure that all safety guidelines are followed, including those that are outlines in section 4a of the 'Official rule book guide to those who play the game' sub-section 5.5.4.3.1 and 5.5.4.3.2 under the sub-sub-title of

“Get on with it!”

~ Monty Python on that extremely long, boring rule

Ahem. Anyway. Safety is important.

[edit] See Also

• Passing time
• Leisure activities
• More reading material