Lawn Gnome
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“I say, are those damn Gnomes at it again? If they knock up my cat once more, I'm calling in an exterminator.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gnomes
for more information on gnomes go to http://gnomezone.wetpaint.com/
Lawn Gnomes are an indigenous people from Vermont who live in suburban areas. Most often found in lawns and gardens, these hardy people subsist on a diet of flowers, mailmen, berries, and earthworms.
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[edit] Vital Statistics
- Height: 2"-11'
- Favorite food: Leprechauns
- National Pastime: Capital Murder
- Frequency: Common
- Organization: Solitary or Tribe
- Treasure: Au, Ne
- Armor Class: 8
- Hit Dice: 3
- Saved If Roll Is Higher Than 6
- Special Attacks: Creep Ray, Madness Inducing Flame beam
- Weapon Specializations: Plastic Flamingo, Plaster Frog
- Status: uncontrolled
- Enjoys a nice walk on the beach from time to time, and is allergic to peanuts, so you pretty much ruined the first date with the purchase of a single food item that is commonly known as deadly to gnomes. Way to go, douchebag!
[edit] History
Today, Gnomes are traditionally thought of as being small, bearded and wearing pointed, colorful, conical hats. They live in natural areas and participate in common pastimes such as fishing, napping, and disarming nuclear warheads. They are more benevolent than other folkloric creatures such as goblins. This traditional view is supported in such fictional works as The Secret Book of Gnomes. However, this traditional viewpoint is flawed. Gnomes are in fact an evil race sent to dominate the world from their home planet, Kibur.
For a short period of time in the early 1970s gnomes were severely abused in remote shampoo testing facilites. Efforts to liberate the gnomes were abandoned after numerous anonymous threats. Eventually, the gnomes were able to rise up againt the shampoo co. in the great gnome rebellion. The lab workers who were few in number, mostly Canadian, and armed only with empty shampoo bottles stood no chance against the gnome's superior force. This uprising, led by the head gnome Lester (whose beard was most foamy), was won in less than 12 hours. Using only lightbulbs, yarn, and paper cups the gnomes were able to construct a class 4E-8 helicopter capable of sustaining a speed of over 137 mph for about 12 hours. Using this single helicopter, they were able to escape from the facility, pick up some Big Macs (two for $4 before tax), and completely overwhelm the french military. Unfortunately, the gnome's success rapidly came to a halt after an incident with a racoon. This incident, know as bad thing number 42 ended the Great Gnome Rebellion. The racoon responsible was givin a eight pound bowling ball for saving the entire human race. The racoon's acceptance speech was a disapointment to most critics, who claimed it was just a series of growls.
[edit] Characteristics and Habitat
A remarkable feature of Lawn Gnomes is their ability to remain still for hours on end. While this originally evolved as a way to outsmart predators, it is now used as a means to spread throughout suburban areas. As Lawn Gnomes are strikingly beautiful as well as utilitarian, their value to humans living in urban environments is quite high. Rather than run from poaching humans, Lawn Gnomes have learned to stand perfectly still, to the extent that they are often confused with statuary.
Once picked up by a human and spirited off, a Lawn Gnome begins to carve out a new home in his or her new domain. This is quite beneficial, as Lawn Gnomes could never cover such distances without assistance. Lawn Gnomes are rarely seen together, as they are nocturnal creatures. They hunt, socialize and mate (although how this is done is still a mystery, we have yet to see any female lawn gnomes) under cover of darkness, often inside their subterranean dwellings.
Lawn Gnomes prefer darkness, and if caught outside as dawn strikes, they instinctively freeze in whatever position or location they were in. This stationary pose lasts until dark. During this time, Lawn Gnomes go into a sort of trance, where they rest, and explore their surroundings with their telepathic powers.
It is a little known fact that Lawn Gnomes have a long standing alliance with rabbits. And among some cultures it is said that "Whever you see a rabbit, there's a Lawn Gnome f**king with your stuff."
[edit] Gnome survival tips
Groups of gnomes, known as "bushels" are extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you encounter gnomes, do not under any circumstances assume the fetal position, they will carry you off, never to be seen again. Running does you no good either, as gnomes are capable of outrunning avalanches (as displayed in a series of experiments conducted by professor Zen Oliriver which are collectivly known as the gnome project.) The best thing to do, according to gnome survival expert Charles McColuf, is to carry a small ballistic missile with you at all times. "A nuclear war-head will simply not do," says Charles, "gnomes have an extensive knowledge of this type of weapon, and can disarm one in seconds."
[edit] Combat
Gnomes of the 1337 class are actually hitmen who work for the Lawn Appliance Boys gang, serving under mob boss John "Did'er" Deer. This genus of gnome is indiginous of Scandinavia and are said to be the children of the Norse god of grass Husquvana the Orange and were sent here to spread his message of flourescent colors and Rough Gay Wolf Sex to appease the gods.
Although relatively harmless, the Lawn Gnomes will attack cats and mailmen on sight with a plastic flamingo if one is available, otherwise they use whatever physical weapon is handy. If you are not a cat or a mailman, watch out for the Lawn Gnome's Madness Inducing Creep Ray, which has been known to send shivers up the spines of 350 pound Harley dudes. The gnomes are also known to rape any thing the see. Beware: Their penises are the size of buffalo!!!
Few know of the mighty war between the smurfs and lawn gnomes of northern Virginia. The war lasted thousands of years until ended by a great warrior named Julio The Llama Master. Julio slayed many smurfs at the battle of OverHead Lights. During that great battle Julio faced his arch enemy Coco the evil grue the daughter of Jezus who is the brother of Jebus' 2nd cousin twice removed. While fighting Coco Julio pulled out a giant sword and called upon Dicky the magical choclate elf from Italy. Dicky cut off Coco's left arm than stabbed her in the heart. After winning the battle Julio moved to his summer home in Rochester NY where he now lives in secret. There is a prophesy that one day the smurfs will regroup and once again challenge the lawn gnome community, but that same prophesy says that Julio will one day return to battle and defeat the smurf empire once and for all.
[edit] Lawn Gnomes in Popular Culture
Lawn Gnomes have been featured in many works of literature, music, movies, TV shows and dubious message boards. They have been quite popular recently, both as subject matter and as performers on the stage and screen. Examples include Lord of the Rings, which follows the exploits of a group of Lawn Gnomes in Middle Earth, and Lawn Order: Special Victims Unit, a television police drama. Also world of warcraft supports an online community of lawn gnomes uncannily known as "gnomes", "dem small kuntz" or "dinner" by the oposing faction of the horde. never the less gnomes have turned the world of warcraft tits up by inventing guns and "metal chicken runner things" which they ride into battle weilding various plastic weponry ranging from flamingos to scaled wheelbarrows +1 to testicular fortitude. so far the only cure for this online abortion is the taurens. Another culture, known to worship and often domesticate the wild gnome, is a cult referred to only as "XC". While their reasons are unknown, XC has never harmed a gnome to date, though kidnapping is frequent.
[edit] The Gnomes' Rise to Power
The gnome, you know, that tiny evil dude in your aunt’s garden? Ever wonder what possible use such a small piece of ceramic could have? I intend to reveal the true intent of these little abominations of mythology.
What do gnomes look like? For those of you who do not know, just imagine a very short midget. Normally, these little people have a white skin color and long white beard. Now, place a rugged outfit in them, possible black curled shoes, and you are almost there. The final touch is a pointy cone atop its head, always the color red, for signaling demonic firestorms.
Now that you are informed upon their appearance, I should warn about their powers. Gnomes have the ability to blend into the background like one of those lizard things. They can shoot lasers out of their eyes and cannot be stopped by conventional weapons. If a gnome sees you, run for your life and do not look back. I repeat, do not look back, since you will be turned into stone and carved into a gnome yourself, forever haunting a garden, warding off children.
The powers of the hat however, are amazingly more deadly. Channeling the psychic energies of the great stone head, Zardoz, these cones can summon great hell storms of demons and pirate ninjas. Demons can be dealt with by impalement with wooden ducks crafted from oak trees. Unfortunately, the only thing that can defeat a pirate ninja is another pirate ninja, or a ninja pirate.
Ninja pirates spawn in the mirror universe, where fire consumes the living plane and golems rule the planet. The flames spawn ninja pirates, with the ability to start small infernos by simply looking at something.
If no ninjas are at hand, or pirates for that matter, feel free to consult your local cloning technician to clone a dodo bird. Why rely on a dodo bird? You don’t. Their long beaks can penetrate the titanium alloys that are the armor of the enemy summons. Load them into a rifle and fire at will.
Well, back to gnomes. I have explained how to counter their attacks, but not how to defeat the gnome itself. So, you want to know how to defeat these monsters? First, let me ask you this. Are you Chuck Norris? If yes, will you please smite the non-believers? If not, you cannot defeat the gnomes.
No! Argh! They are after me! Help me! Please, do something! My lord, Chuck Norris, save me! Bzzzzt! My soul, it’s on fire! Ahhhhhh! Ghlugh.
This is the new narrator. I am sorry to inform you that the gnomes devoured the previous narrator alive. Seeing as gnomes strike twice, I had best be going now. You should go too. Go on; get out of here!
The gnomes are coming! Get out now! They just broke down the door. Run! I will try and stop them. Jesus Chriuuuuurghlug. Gho nhow! Flhee...
A gnome stands up. It faces you. You are stupefied at its face of horror. It speaks to you, “Ke Ke Ke” as it devours your face, rending the flesh from your chest at the same time. You feel dizzy. Then, you die, screaming in agony as the gnome rips out your heart.
[edit] Additional Info
- The record for most gnomes stacked goes to Lord Sivil Reilly of Finland. He was able to stack 47 medium-sized garden gnomes in 2001.
- A study conducted by professor Jomas suggests that up to 67% of people suffer from irrational fear of gnomes. Another 30% of people are afraid of gnomes for rational reasons, and the other 3% are gnomes. The fear of gnomes is known as gnome syndrome.
- It is rumored that the 23 Apples of Eris, who are cult followers Eris Discordia and have been accused of using Lawn Gnomes in Discordian porn movies, changing the rotation of the earth by .000023 degrees every Wednesday, misattributing quotes to Ambrose Bierce, playing the illegal sport of Badminton, and many other crimes too numerous to list here, have trained Lawn Gnomes and use them in their unholy Discordian Porn movies. This has not yet been confirmed, due to the fact that the movies in question are always rented out when I go to the video store.
- Scientific testing is currently under way to determine whether Lawn Gnomes would make an effective deterrent for the flying leech, whose increasing predations and immunity to pesticides are becoming an increasing concern.
- Ancient scrolls uncovered in the 9/11 rubble tell of a Lawn Gnome Revolt, scheduled for during the 2012 London Olympics. This date also coincides with the Irish Olympic Teams arrival at Heathrow. Coincidence? I think not.
- It is now know that gnomes are in space too. A astrognome was sent into space from the White Forest Space Base. The gnome didn't come back as a hero, as he was sent to the Combine Overworld, and is providing sexual relief to the injured Advisors right now.
[edit] Related Gnomes
