Lava

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“Just a spicier type of Orange Juice.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lava
“That's hot.”
~ Paris Hilton on her melting flesh
“Lava melts rock and rockheads alike.”
~ Albert Einstein on Theory of Lava
“I'm melting...”
~ Captain Obvious on his lava bath
“I hate lava.”
~ Homestar Runner on Lava

"Lava" is hot, orange, sticky stuff that occasionally ruins your day. You should never approach lava as it's always very angry and may decide to melt your face off, or any other part of you. As lava is the blood, sweat, and semen of the Earth, touching it may result in the following symptoms; AIDS, rape, disease, puppies, or hyperphobia.

Lava is one of the two main ingredients in Hawaiians, therefore, it spends most of its time in Hawaii and makes occasional visits to poor third world countries just to "give them a spook." There are two main kinds of lava, known by the Hawaiian names a'a'u'u and u'i'a'u'i, which are the noises you make when you tread on them.

Lava is also occasionally used as a sanitizer, contained only by the impenetrable material known as "plastic." This form of lava is usually very bad-tasting and should only be eaten by idiots.

Pht lava family 11 02

Lava is one of the staple foods of the iguana and Japanese people, and can be safely handled using asbestos gloves, sold at most Hawaiian pet stores. NOTE: Hawaiians are not actually sold at Hawaiian pet stores, but their food and surfboards can commonly be found. The fact that you can't buy Hawaiins legally, but you can buy Hawaiian maintenance products, is analogous to the fact that you can't legally buy weed, but you can buy bongs and crack pipes. These days Hawaiians can be obtained with the help of 2 friends, a fast car, and a thick-woven sack, big enough to fit over a Hawaiian's head and shoulders.


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