From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Official language||Latvian, Animal(if you know what I mean).|
|Main terrorism organization||Jaunais Laiks|
|Capital||Geetlinji ("The hill of shit")|
|Most Famous Citizen||Mrs. Freibergator (Dzelza Vaira a.k.a Vairačka)|
| Ranked 1st |
| From Lithuania|
18 November 1918
13 December 1918
From European Union
1 May 2004
|Currency||Latvian dižkāposts (LVD) 1 dižkāposts = 100 kāposti, 2 cūkas, 10 burkāni, zelts, sidrabiņš, vaska ritulīši, ozeriņi.|
Latvia or Banana Republic is probably the biggest and most powerful country in the world, being only insignificantly smaller than the GALACTIC EMPIRE.
Geographically Latvia is located on the planet Earth. The extensive northern coasts of Latvia are washed by the Baltic Ocean, and it has terrestial boundaries with some small satellite countries, like the Republic of Afracans(an important supplier of toilet paper), Russia (a rich source of vodka) and others.
Latvians can be easily recognised by their names, which always end with the letter S. This also applies to the Latvian language, which is second oldest language in the world (no-one remembers the oldest one). Latvians like to sing, drink beer, grow long hair and dominate the world. They also tend to have 6 toes on one or both feet.
History and Politics
The Shiites are one of the extinct Baltic tribes that later formed the Latvian nation. Latvian tribes have been living in this territory for millions of years (just with different ethnical statii than today). They were famous for their cannibalism, so the houses were built very far each from other. In 1659, Latvia was conquered by Estonia and Zululand. After a long dispute in the pub about the ownership of the country both of the invaders were too drunk to dispute further and gave it to the Aztec Empire as a birthday present.
Latvia was then under the jurisdiction of Aztec Empire until it was finally liberated by the United States of Antarctica.
The ill-fated World War 2-era attempt by some Latvians to support Hitler as a liberator from the harsh rule of Stalin turned out to be a miserable and humiliating failure as not even tiny Latvia is small enough to fit inside a Volkswagen beetle.
Unlike Russia (though the russians tried hard), Latvia has never been poor and miserable, probably because they don't share well.
She is very evil and puts in jail or forces to be slaves. Most of all she dislikes , so all 120+ million of them in the African empire are afraid of her. For now there is no possible way to take the throne while she`s alive...
Too rich and mysterious to describe.... <-- see, I even put 4 points insted of 3.
Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire songs, for example "div dujinjas gaisa skreja" ("I just farted twice", original version "You are woman, i am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, though their plan didn't succeed because evil & corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.
The most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši". They play ultra-loud folk music, that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly children) have had their head and guts exploded while listening to this music.
There's a lot of attractions like "Dziesmu Svetki", where latvians sing their national punk rock and heavy-metal songs and fill difficul yoga exercise.
Latvians also have "Gey festival" at 1 September.The second country after Lithuania which is provided the world with a experienced geys(thats why Latvians hate Lithuanians..., they feel jealosy).
The best latvian rock bands: Janis addiction, System of a Janis, Janis Hendrix, Janis and Mary Chain and of course The Janis & bb JAnis
In Latvia there is a Hollymežs(Hollywood is a parody on a Hollymežs).The most well-known films, which was filmed in a Hollymežs are: "Mr. and Mrs.Janis" "Star wars(with a Vairočka Skywalker in a main role)" and "Bad Janis"
But FourMonkeyania isn't the only governing institution in Latvia. There are 400 beavers that uphold the law and order in this country. They are very savage and bite people who don't obey them. So it's pretty harsh out there!
So, they all are normal!
Andorra has declared war on Latvia . Latvian so called Government hasn`t made any action about it yet, but their spearman and horsmen are secretly gathering... As always in Latvias warfull history before the battle most of them will be sacrafised to gods. So actually very few men are willing to go on war.
Nonetheless, the Latvian military strikes nothing but tear and laugh into the hearts of the former Soviet Russia.
The only explanation for Russia's claim to be afraid of tiny Latvia centres around the fact that Latvia is a NATO power located right on Russia's border and armed with the infamous euro (€), a currency which could reduce the Russian Empire to nothing but rubble (or perhaps rubles) in a matter of minutes.
Latvia has six hundred sixty six battalions of first world war planes equipped with modern laser weapons (green laser pointers from Compgeeks webstore) which actually can hurt someone. Its ground forces consist of two battalions of troops famous for their ability in destroying tanks with their bare hands. What is more, Latvia has a weapon of mass destruction - a so called toilet bomb which explodes into thousand of toilets destroying every living creature within a range of one km.
There is unofficial information about rich tank-ores in Latvian & Estonian territories. It is supposed that they are going to make mines to dig up more tanks... The world is watching and hoping, that there won`t be new conflicts...
Former military force is Rigondas Gang
See also the Latvian Flag... scientists think that there's secret information about the military in there. It's about both tanks, they say.
Apparently, the exact location of this mythic country is unknown to anybody, as nobody in the Confederation of Europia, a member of which Latvia is, can tell where it is, though some assumptions have been made in order to try to discover the place of birth and residence of the wild Latvian squirrels.
To the right, there is a supposed map of Latvia, as pictured by the world famous cartograph John Franklin Kennedy (or whatever his name is).
Also Latvia owns a city called Yew town which is translation of Latvian "Oshuciems". The town is pretty large but holds only 2 inhabittants called Niks Stukans - Osis, Bosiks and Streka. Osis spends most of time while sitting at PC and playing online RPG but Streka instead of Bosiks has strange smell of "Suudu smaka" which seems to be "Poo smell". They are both addicted to online RPG called Runescape.. There also sometimes comes "The Barkovs" who is owner of Streka and Osis who both slave for The Barkovs in runescape..
Latvian banks are known as the world's largest exporters of virtual credit cards, which are mostly useful only for purchasing imaginary power to operate virtual memory for PC's. The most notorious of these are the Carlton Banks and Multibanka.
While a search for "Latvian mail-order brides" yields 42 Intarweb hits from places billing themselves as "the mail-order bride warehouse", the entire stock of Latvian brides has already been depleted due to demand from suitors in wretched third-world countries who see espousing a mail-order bride with European Union citizenship as an easy way out upon being turned away at every border from France to Russia when travelling with American passports, €80-cent dollars in theif hands and Iraqi war wounds covering the rest of their bodies.
Until then, as the worlds 46th largest toilet producer, toilets will stay the mainstay of Latvia's economy grossing €1.1 billion annually. Oddly, Latvia is the world's number one importer of toilet paper, costing the government nearly €4 billion annually. Economists think this is because of the unusual amount of trees eaten by Latvia's citizens.
Very healthy nation indeed, because they are descendants of the powerful Bear Broker.
In recent months a new and deadly virus, called "draugiem.lv" or "face.lv", has been spreading amongst Latvians. By now 17.5% of population are infected by it. It is known to cause diarrhea, Exploding Head Syndrome, debility, rectal disfunctionand subconscious urge for migration to the EU pastures. It spreads through e-mail and by bus. Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that the virus was been created by a group of 1337 hax0rZ to spy on people. But the African doctors, who were able to stop the virus from spreading in Eeesti-pois-land, say that it is impossible to control one's sphincter from the interweb. The theorists disagree. But the main problem is that it affects Latvians much faster than Estonians. It is because the normal Estonian heart rate is 15-16 times slower than that of the Latvian (25 per hour and 1 to 2 while sleeping). A cure has not yet been found, though some people have miraculously recovered by using Anusol suppositories oraly.
Latvians care very much about their health, it is written in Law to add iodine to the salt and old russian pharmacy 'zeljonka' to the sugar. Also it is stated "if there is someone sick in Latvias teritory, he (or she) must be shot and put in prison for letting nation down"
It is known fact, that all Latvian men have bigger penis than other insects and all female are more sexual. There have been incidents when Latvian men have beaten their penises to the pulp before achieving an erection. Former Russia (Taken over by the great empire of Estonia), under the lead of their tribal leader, was asking the government to stop insect cruelty in neighbouring willage. Thankfully for the Russians, Estonia just took over, so Latvian SWAT (Special Wanking And Tossing) troops (the same ones who`re destroing tanks hairy-handed) haven't had time to prepare an arse invasion.
There is a mystical group, called "kroplju aizstaviibas shtabs", who try to bring new a race in Latvia - neutral people, who have no sex and are wery stupid, but they have interesting ability to survive long periods of time without food and regenerating chopped off legs.
So, while in Latvia you can call anybody Janis and be sure that it is your interlocutor's name.
- Edmundito - anyone knows him
- Didzis - he is like T-101, from movie Terminator
- Janis Janis
- Janis Kravitz
- Janis Hitlers
- Janis Berzinsh
- Janis Bush
- Janis Clintons
- Janis bin Ladens
- Janis Rainis
- Jana Lewinskis
- Janis Joplins
- Janis Lenin
- Jana Thatcher
- Jana Spears
- Vaira-Jānis Vike Freiberga
- Janis Verpakovskis
- Vera Zozuļa
- Janis Pliners
- Janis Repše
- Janis Zurofs
- Janis Stalins
- Janis - Hidripidzashwilli Fakusakmadzhi
- Uģis Zariņš
The favorite Latvian activity is sitting in a bosk, playing kokle (ugly and not tasty instrument) and swearing at
a) anyone else
Latvians have been applauded because of their art of cooking (especialy by Maori and Caribes). For example, the famous book of Janis Ritins "1001 ways to cook Lithuanian" can be found in every household, not only in Latvia, but Fugu islands.Wild Latvian tribes, especially in the east are very aggressive and wild. Most of them are canniballs and eat Russians,Estonians, Lithuanians and themselveswhich living nearby. There are many legends about them, how they take little lithuanian nudnik away at night and eat them. Only few pictures have been provided, since many photographers were eaten too. However, the most terrible beast in Latvia is Dmitrijs (real name Janis) Kurbanovs, also known as Dmitrijs Kurbanidze, "Gone in 60 seconds" or "One minute man". He is notorious for his unexplainable sex drive, whilst his reproductive organs could satisfy only a fly, maybe. Despite his obvious disability he is very fond of himself and likes to play with his on-off button.
The whole education system in Latvia is described in one book, participants should read this book about 12 years, the book is called "dullais dauka" ("stupid Duke"). After succeed in passing an examination all graduate peoples assign an alocation "dullais". It hard to explain why all worlds economy is powered by latvians, maybe it is from university degree where latvians should read another great book "Lāčplēsis" ("BearRipper"). Note that Lavian females first, in primary school, read "Lāčplēsis" and only in University they are able to understand "dullais dauka".
Durring recent years terrorism has became more popular. Most famous terrorist org. is URLAS, they are easy to recognise - no hair on heads, ADIDAS track suite trousers, cheap sport shoes and t-shirt, but their leaders have "laku kurpes" and leather jackets.. and they drive in Bumers. Another terrorist organization named PCTVL -Post Civilization Tropic Vilage Latvians they are famous with they large numbers of members all over Latvia and they ideology to be super heros (like pokemons) that will bring Latvia to its rightfull place on earth among primates! But most doungerous terrirism org. is "gang of oshuciems" they train hard in RS aka runescape & CS aka counterstrike.. then they use all skils in real life.. it is very doungerous to get in conflict whit them.. but most friendly gang is "kritinju banda"