Latvia
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“Latvia: A tiny country full of weakl-”
~ The famous last words of those who dared to say that
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| Official language | Latvian creole Nazi French | ||||
| Motto | Saldejums | ||||
| Other languages | Drunk | ||||
| Main terrorism organizations | National Bolsheviks;
Rabbits; The Latvians; Gopstop Division; Most Wanted Terrorist - Captain D | ||||
| Capital | Fasion Island | ||||
| Minor capital | Ten Years Old Town | ||||
| Intelligence - Total - % | Ranked 1st 0 100% | ||||
| Independence - Declared - Recognised - Lost Independence -Fucked | From Sunflower seeds-eating, 1 meter tall, Eastern nation 30 June 2009 at 7:00 29 September 2008 at 5:00 | ||||
| Currency | Latvian dižkāposts (LVD) 1 dižkāposts = 10 kāposti = 100 burkāni = 1000 gurķu sēkliņas
Historical monetary units: zelts, sidrabiņš, vaska ritulīši, ozeriņi, fucker. | ||||
| Exports | Brain-storms, Mangaļi Mineral Water, Sviests, Latvians, Centis Ūbele disease, Hepatitus, | ||||
| Imports | Lithuanian crap, Russian fart gas, GMS, Banks that are deffinately NOT swedish | ||||
| Opening hours | Usually closed. Except on lucky minutes. | ||||
Latvia or The Land of The Setting Sun is probably the biggest and most powerful country in the world, being only insignificantly smaller than the Galactic Empire. It is the strongest contender to Honduras when it comes to the definition of BANANA Republic.
Geographically, Latvia is located on the planet ♀-τ ▀╞!K╞@4╩, inscribed within its borders. The extensive northern coasts of Latvia are washed by the Baltic Ocean, and it has terrestrial boundaries with some small satellite countries, like the Republic of Afracans (an important supplier of toilet paper), Russia (a rich source of vodka and potatoes) and others.
Latvians can be easily recognized by their names, which always end with an ending. This also applies to the Latvian language, which is second oldest language in the world (nobody remembers the oldest one). Latvians like to sing, drink beer, eat ridiculous amounts of hard-boiled eggs and grow long hair. They also tend to have between 4 and 6 toes on one or both feet due to weather and bear festivals.
Contents |
[edit] History and Politics
Latvian tribes have been living in this territory for many millennia (approximately 0,7). They were famous for their critically acclaimed and professionally executed cannibalism (they also killed dinosaurs - Tyrannosaurs. Actually they were one of the most reasonable explanations for why dinosaurs disappeared), so the houses were built very far from each other. In 1290, Latvia was invaded by Eestiland and Zululand. After a long dispute in the best (and only) pub not yet trashed by British Drunken Marine division, about the ownership of the country both of the invaders were too drunk to dispute further and gave it to the Aztec Empire as a present for it's marriage with Luxemburgian Kalvinian emirate.
For many years Latvia has been occupied by wild urlas. But in the year 1980 the president Dr. Maita with his fellow assistant Otomārs destroyed the last urla.
Latvia was then under the jurisdiction of the Aztec Gay Empire until it was finally liberated by the United States of Pants. Afterwards several wars of expansion established the first country of Letu Bara Cilts which ended with famous Revolution of Storks. After finally reclaiming the estern suburbs of Stockholm, the second anarchistic fellow monarchy of Latvian Empire of the True Happiness was established in year 1789 BC and has been in place ever since (except Interbellum) (and Postbellum).
The ill-fated World War 2,5-era attempt by some Latvians to support Hilter as a liberator from the harsh rule of Red Forces of the Lite East turned out to be a miserable and humiliating failure when everybody got a Volkswagen Beetle and some warm beer.
Latvia is considered "averagissimus", probably because they don't share well (with information and gay people, and information on women) so it's hard to judge.
For a while Latvia used to be ruled from Montréal by the evil emperor Freibergarator with residance in Pokaiņi. She was a force of utmost evil and pokaiņņness and regularly committed citizens to jail or forced them into slavery. As long as she lived, there was no possibility that the throne would be taken. She liked to say on all occasions "Es tevi pakāršu, kuce" meaning "There shall be peace between us." but she never means it. After 3000 years Jānis Zaglers was born and captured the empire, and stole Evil's grenade-microphone.
Cadet Lieutenant Field Marshal Danis Aleksandrs Butners is the prince of all of Latvia. He is currently attending the US Military Academy while he works on his Quadruple major. Latvians are also famous for their excessive lankiness, 80's punk, freakishly long fingers and cacas.
[edit] Culture
Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire and riflemen songs, for example "Traucas mans dzim-orgāns tev pa ā-nu-su!" ("I've just killed a deer, oh God!", original version "You are a woman, I am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner, while making humping motions. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, although the plan didn't succeed because Evil and her corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.
Latvia's most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši" with lead singer Oskars Lekuns. They play ultra-loud Metal that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly Germans) have had their heads spontaneously explode while listening to this music.
Favourite song of the year 2009 is Dzīvo tā by Kombuļi.
Latvians are also known for their distinctive style of whittling; they use the bones of deceased presidents.
There's a number of attractions including "Dziesmu Svētki", where Latvians sing their national anarcho-punk rock and heavy-metal songs as well as performing difficult yoga exercises, performing one of Hamlet's scenes, riding on a plane's turbine and hunting on local cars (everything at the same time and place.)
Latvians also have the "Zoophile Festival" on the 1st of September precisely at midnight. The second country after Lithuanian Maximus Federation which has provided the world with an experienced zoophiliac and necrophiliac pride (that's why Latvians hate Lithuanians.)
The best Latvian rock bands are Jānis & Garfunkel, System of a Jānis, Jānis Hendrix, Jānis Dylan, Jānis and the Bad Seeds, Jānis and Mary Chain and of course The Jānis & BB Jānis.
Latvia is home to Hollymežs (Hollywood is a parody of Hollymežs). Some of the most well-known films which were filmed in Hollymežs are "Mr. and Mrs. Janis", "Star Wars" (with a Vairočka Skywalker in a main role), Fight Jānis, Mommy Mommy, There is a Janis Under My Bed! and of course Jānis in the Big City.
Latvia was an ordinary land to the whole world until 1423 when a group of drunken elven generals thought to build a base from which they could control the entire planet. Afterwards exploration missions by Swiss popes ensured the continues imports and supply of corrupt politicians.
Two teenage Latvians have also claimed to have broken the speed of light by using just a common Bumble Bee, a pair of nail scissors and double sided sticky tape, although this has yet to be proven. When questioned how the speed was measured, they replied, "The Latvian way."
93% of Latvians never have used a phone, yet, thanks to their good genetics, 100% of them can hack any Windows 7 version and build ovens (again - both at the same time.)
The key point in Latvian culture is its annual bear festival, where 30,000 bears are released into the main square to the sound of orchestral metal and it's seen as pointless, but as its the only thing that keeps their country from imploding and becoming Moon-people, they just keep doing it.
[edit] Latvian laws
Latvia has the best law system ever. And it's true. Every aspect of one's life and death and everything beyond or between is codified. There are 3 main constitutional rules:
- Thou shall listen and do what your government says and what it says be true in it's essence.
- Latvia IS! (IS includes all common human rights all possible rights that are and could rise in the future and also represents Latvian dominant position in the world)
- No direct eye contact with the Queen Freibergarator.
Main criminal laws:
- You [insert crime] - you die. Twice.
- It is forbidden to injure oneself and such act is judged as betrayal of the country of great Latvia. The guilty may choose to be torn apart by 3 wild horses or be raped by the same 3 horses.
- If you don't start drinking beer until the age of 12, you are castrated and put in a mental hospital.
- Assault of the Magic pumpkin is the biggest crime one can commit. Sentence - 100 years of slavery in the Fields of the Doom (near Rīga, which is part of ~~Liepāja~~), where guilty must gather hot lava bear handed (recently Latvian government passed a law that forbids using Canadian black bear hands for this job).
Main other rules:
- Brown bears are forbidden.
- MakDonava are forced to serve a big plate of boiled potatoes, vegetables and cooked wild boars leg instead of burgers. BTW - burgers are also banned.
- One may not betray his fellow countryman. Penalty - being eaten alive by royal parrots.
- Every man can keep a bear in his house.
- Being semi-gay is forbidden. Only gays and non-gays are tolerated. Violators shall be torn apart by Royal Gladiators in the Rīga (part of ~~Liepāja suburbs~~) Circus coliseum every second Sunday of the month.
- Being a woman is also kinda forbidden, but not so much. (old rule, just a traditional value now)
[edit] Military
In 2005, Andorra declared war on Latvia [1]. The Latvian Government hasn`t taken any action on it yet, but their 2 spearmen, 4,5 cavalry (inlcuding 1 for repair parts) and alchemist from Weapons of Mass-Puffs Division are secretly mobilising. As it has often occurred in Latvia's history most will be sacrificed to the Latvian gods before the battle begins. Unusually, the military is not a popular choice of career. Nonetheless, the Latvian military continues to harrass former Soviet Russia, making heavy use of skirmish tactics to inspire fear and lower the Russian morale. Popular manuver, studied in all military textbooks as an excellent and latvianishistic military tactics is for the alchemist to use helium ballons to acquire enough altitude and speed to write "Though shallt fear the Me" in the skies above northen parts of the emirate, in the former direction of the former Soviet Russia.
The only explanation for Russia's fear of tiny (which sometimes isn't true) Latvia centres around the fact that Latvia is a NATO power located semi-directly on Russia's border and is armed with the infamous euro (€), a currency which could reduce the Russian Empire to nothing but rubble (or perhaps rubles) in a matter of russ-minutes.
Since recently Latvia also has been secretly building and collecting from foreign museums 666 battalions of WWI-style planes equipped with modern laser weapons (green laser pointers from the Compgeeks web store) which actually has the capability to give an enemy a mild tan. Its ground forces consists sometimes of two battalions of troops renowned for their abilities in the destruction of tanks with their bare hands. Unfortunately, the active service expectancy of these troops is approximately two weeks, as the injuries sustained to their hands often reduce them to fighting with their feet, and everyone knows that tanks are immune to feet. What is more, Latvia has aquired a weapon of mass destruction - a so called toilet bomb which showers the surrounding area with thousands of toilets, destroying any living creature which makes contact with their hazardous contents.
There is unofficial information about rich tank-ores in Latvian and Estonian territories. It is hinted that the government intend to make mines to dig up more tanks, but all they have located thus far are two mini-miners and an electric scooter.
See also, the Latvian Flag. Scientists believe that the flag contains encoded information pertaining to the Latvian military, but not even the Latvians have managed to decode it, at this point. It is believed that the flag holds information on either a new form of tank, or a rejuvenating hand-balm.
Additionally, you will never ever see two Latvians fighting each other, they are to loyal to the president's ruling of "More we be, more we be crush". As a result, all serious misunderstandings (bank collapses, monopoly licence selling, neighbour getting better car or job) are solved over Ultima Online PVP or Counter Strike.
The Latvian military also has two tanks, not to be confused with the tanks of the mines. One of them is a gift from the President of United States of United Antarktika and another was found in a swamp were it had sunk during WWI. Scientists have proven that one Latvian equals roughly 301 Spartans.
[edit] Latvians are very dangerous
It is believed that Latvians have two tanks only to show their youth how pathetic are enemies. True Latvians don't need tanks, planes or any other weapons. They can win any other nation (like United States on Arctica) barehanded or sometimes just by declaring war. No one knows why they are so unstoppable although it is supposed that they have secret energy source kept somewhere underground or in the trees...
The only way to escape a Latvian is to cut off one of your legs and throw it to him (Aim for the eyes or any other vital parts). Then jump away (really) fast and hope for a quick death (unlikely).
Latvians may also use their other effective defense mechanism; throwing belašhi (pīrāgi), a traditional Latvian dish filled with the innards of several animals that you don't want to know about. They have been known to have very good aim when throwing these and project them at your body with their two belašhi launching tanks. When pīrāgs or belašs.hšhss .. hits a living body, it crawls under the skin and eventually reaches the brain, therefore taking over. Zombified enemies are usually gathered together to form new army divisions.
Some Latvians have achieved unseen breakthrough in means of humans as a weapon. They have ascended to a new level called Super-Saiyan Latvian and with that gained unseen power, speed and ability to hold orgasm longer than any woman. Also they cannot be penetrated by bullets, shrapnel and penises, which makes their natural immunity to homosexuality even more complete. Homosexual Latvians are genetically modified.
[edit] Geography
The exact location of this mythic country is unknown to anybody, as nobody in the Confederation of Europia can locate it, although some assumptions have been made in order to try to discover the place of birth and residence of the wild Latvian squirrels. The reason for Latvia's invisibility is something of an enigma, as it borders both the Baltic Ocean Lands and Russian Desert, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire. At the right is a supposed map of Latvia, as pictured by the world famous cartograph and World of Warcraft player ARAMANTY. There are many miths that adolf hitler is still hiding in latvia. He changed his name. He is now called Juris Zass.
Also there is Latvia in Britan, in United States of Antarktika (Lāču Town) and in other small countries. There live only those Latvians who are very patriotic (they love their country so much that they have decided not to live there).
Kurzeme declared itself a republic ruled by The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and joined the terrorist organisation of OMLGF last Thursday. According to the CNN, Kurzeme was aided by a Boy Scout Battallion of unknown loyalties. They have also very high level of capoeira. They use it to kick Russians( Allso know as urlas)
[edit] Economy
Latvian banks are known as the world's largest exporters of virtual credit cards, which are only useful for purchasing imaginary power to operate the virtual memory of PC's. The most notorious of these are Carlton Banks and Baltija Banka Pirags.
While a search for "Latvian mail-order brides" yields 42 Intarweb hits from places billing themselves as "the mail-order bride warehouse", the entire stock of Latvian brides has already been depleted due to demand from suitors in wretched third-world countries who see espousing a mail-order bride with European Union citizenship as an easy way out after being turned away at every border from France to Russia when traveling with American passports, €80-cent dollars in their hands and Iraqi war wounds covering the rest of their bodies.
As of March 2006 the top three exports are mud ($150M/yr), ski products ($25M/yr), and Russians (20K/yr). Latvians require a constant inflow of green vegetables, Latvians from elsewhere in the former Soviet empire, Lithuanian prostitutes, pork, beer, electricity (98% imported from Finland), and UN "help" dollars. According to ancient tradition, once a year all of the imports are placed on the presidents doorstep for him to take as much as possible (generally around 33%). The rest is up for grabs and the mobs often go on Russian-killing rampages if they don't get enough Pilsener.
The Latvian Currency is the LAT or DVK. However, the popular "pa muti" is also accepted as a valid currency in most areas of Latvia.
[edit] Health
Latvia is a very healthy nation indeed, solely because all of its citizen are descendants of the legendary Bear Ripper.
In recent months a new and deadly virus, called "draugiem.lv" or "one.lv" , has been spreading amongst Latvians. By now ~85 (March 2006) of the population are infected by it, with infection rates rising per the lettish hour. It is known to cause diarrhea, Exploding Head Syndrome, retardation, Ultimate erection and a subconscious urge for migration to the EU pastures. It spreads through e-mail,bus and by mobile internet wap. Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that the virus was created by a group of 1337 hax0rZ to spy on people, But this is disregarded by African doctors, who were able to stop the virus from spreading in Eeesti-pois-land. These doctors claim that it is impossible to control one's sphincter from the interweb. The theorists heartily disagree. The main threat of this virus is that it affects Latvians much faster than Estonians. This is because the normal Estonian heart rate is 15-16 times slower than that of the Latvian (25/mph and one to two while sleeping). A cure for the virus has not yet been found, though some people have miraculously recovered by using Anusol suppositories orally, as well there have been reports that some people are imune to this virus. Few foreign scientists claim that this virus could miraculously give explanation how Latvia can border both the Baltic Ocean and Russia, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire.
Latvians care very much about their health, it is written in the Law to add iodine to the salt and old Russian pharmacy 'zeļjonka' to the sugar. It is also stated that, "if there is someone sick in Latvia's territory, he or she must be shot in the knees and put in prison for letting the nation down."
Due to the recent discovery that average drinking water (H2O) actually is a toxic waste left from the invasion of sick-minded retard cats, the Rulers of Latvia have asked people to refrain from use of any liquid substance, except Croca-Cona canned tree juice, which has been acknowledged by many dietary scientists and experts from McDonaltas chicken food industries. This has caused a new movement of radical hippy-nudist politicians, who devote their lives to opone drinking as an indecorous use of human mutual organs. And what do stock-brokers say to all this? "Although this will create another crisis in the market,we are quite used to it,and this won't affect any aspect of urban citizen life,except the increase of the increase rate of taxes, which has gone from +56.2% to 921.99%. due to the fact that none has a large enough bank account to pay for these taxes anyway, the average citizen won't feel a thing."
[edit] Sports
Sport is an integral part of Latvian life. Latvians have their own kinds of sport (which nobody in the world understands, because Latvians are keeping the rules of these games a closely guarded secret). Some of these sports, the rules of which rules became known due the to outflow of information from Latvian settlers are listed below:
The most favourite sport is orienteering. The most powerfull coach is Jānis Lejiņš. With his power to slap that bitch, he is able to conquer the State of Russia and stuff like that.
- One that couldn't be translated, cause of local lexicon (very old game, where players have to hide from each other and keep secret password and when opposite team founds them, they beat them until password is revealed)
- Sadomasochistic admiring a group of people who hit a little black plastic pancake with sticks, also known as "Ice hockey"
- Playing some sort of soccer called "litrabols", where any foul ends up with drinking vodka. Therefore most notable litrabols teams are located near Russia, the great supplier of alcohol. A similar game to
checkers exists, too. A famous children's game is "Balalaika" where a brave child ties himself to a rope and jumps off any high point. The game is a game of guesswork - is the rope short enough not to smash your face into the ground? There is a National Balalaika Team (LV-NBT), who won first place in the World Balalaika Championship (Beating China, since they didn't use ropes at all)
[edit] Latvian Music
Latvian music sounds like a car accident involving three blonde women. The most popular musician is the world famous "Vilki" ("Wolves").
Latvians also enjoy listening to their own National Anthem over and over again.
Another favorite is the American artist Bruce Springsteen who they often confuse with Johnny Cash.
And nowadays a lot of Latvian youth listens to club music. Those people are often on drugs.
But some are listening to emo and that other one music style which is even worse (yes, it is possible).
Although all isn't allowed all Lavians must at least once climb in "Vanšu tilts" in Riga and request Death Metal festival, which ends when 666 kg of vomit is collected, but the festival never ends because all Latvians become too drunk to vomit.
[edit] Famous Latvians
A little known fact about Latvian society is that the name Jānis is in fact universal, and can be applied to anyone and anything. Scientists from "National Atrofieren Sarunvalod' Administrātzij"(NaSa) have stated that "Jānis" is not a noun. It is actually a plural of the adjective "Juris", and therefore must be treated as an irregular French verb. The most famous man in Latvijas is Jānis Lejiņš.
The favorite Latvian activity is sitting in a bosk, playing kokle (ugly and not tasty instrument) and swearing at a) anyone else and b) bipolar biological bones. Also Perkele is being stabbed when they can find it.
Latvians have been applauded for their skill in cooking. The famous book of Jānis Rītiņš, "1001 ways to cook a Lithuanian", can be found in every household.
Probably the one Latvian, that is known everywhere is Jānis Rainis IV - The first Latvian who ascended to a super-Latvian, acquiring enormous composing and poetic potential.
[edit] Education
The entire education system of Latvia is described in one book, called "Dullais Dauka" ("Dumb Doofus"). Students read this book when they're two years old. After passing an examination on their knowledge of this book, all graduates are assigned the title "dr.hab.dullais".
Also, the great Latvian education system has the most noticeable invention of the modern times: the "average man." He was invented between 1976 and 2031. And a great struggle in the popcorn market. The average man is the one. All cars, doors, steps and corks are made to fit him, toilet scrubbers are made to perfectly adopt forms of his hand, all dressers first make a dress that would fit him, before making it for others, all prices are suitable for average man. Average man possesses stable income from the World economy and has at least 1 flat. The Average man is mostly Chinese, and a bit black from 1 side yet he is considered to be European etc. Bow down before the might of Latvian education, you dirty infidel dogs!
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