Latvia

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“Latvia: A tiny country full of weakl-”
~ The famous last words of those who dared to say that

“I love the hats”

~ George Costanza on their clergy

“Latvia? Where the f%^&* is that? ”
~ a typical American student reaction to an exchange student's entry into the classroom at an American highschool

“簡稱拉脫維亞 (Latvia in Chinese)? What the f%^&* is that? Is it a name of b*tch who I f*cked yesterday? ”
~ a typical Chinese student reaction to an exchange student's entry into the classroom at an Chinese highschool

Latvijas Karaliste (Latvijas Respublika)

(Flag)
Official language	The language that no one else speaks
GDP per capita	$14 after Soviet annexation
Motto	Good luck on streets at night.
Other languages	There is no other language
Main terrorism organizations	National Bolsheviks; Rabbits; communist and jews and subhuman Russians ; Gopstop Division; Most Wanted Terrorist - Joseph Stalin
Capital	Ah! It's time to sleep at 3 AM. Also called A!I'TTSA3A
Minor capital	[1]
Intelligence  - Total  - %	Ranked 456th 0-9 3%
Independence	What ?
Currency	Latvian dižkāposts (LVD) 1 dižkāposts = 10 kāposti = 100 burkāni = 1000 gurķu sēkliņas Historical monetary units: zelts, sidrabiņš, vaska ritulīši, ozeriņi.
Exports	Green gold
Imports	Loaned money, and cat food.
Opening hours	Usually closed. Except on lucky minutes. if your car brakes down outside, Bob might come out to help, in exchange for fishsticks.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Latvia.

Latvia or The Land of The Setting Sun used to be a country in the North of East Western germany, prior to an administrative reform made by communist leaving the locals clueless of their whereabouts. The extensive northern coasts of Latvia are washed by the Baltic Ocean, and it has terrestrial boundaries with some small satellite countries, like the Republic of Russian Nigger's (an important supplier of toilet paper), Russia (a rich source of vodka soaked apes ) and others.

Latvians can be easily recognized by their names, which always end with an ending. This also applies to the Latvian language, which is second oldest language in the world (nobody remembers the oldest one. People say it's Lithuanian, but Russians deny it and say Lithuanian is only "sober" Russian). Latvians like to sing, drink beer, eat ridiculous amounts of hard-boiled eggs and grow long hair. They also tend to have between 4 and 6 toes on one or both feet due to weather and bear festivals. In Latvia drunk driving is national sport.

Latvians still debate whenever Latvia is in Northern Europe or Eastern Europe, some even claim that Lava, I mean... Latvia, is in Germany altought that's still debatable, but might be a likely outcome.

edit Language

Latvian language is a language from the west-ural north aurophenian scitto-shitiranian language group. It has been developed from the south Marsian language. It is special for its sounds not coming just from mouth, but also from the back(in simple English its called the ass). It is very easy, it has only 112.4 vowels (a,ae,aeee,ea,uii,uy,uae,aaeeuia,iiiiiou,aoiuuuiaoai,eeeeeoishitoooooaiiuieau,ëeöaäu...), and 13 consonants. The Dude was the first sentient ceature who heard the latvian language. After he heard it, he died of unknown reason. The famous phrase "killing with language" came from the latvian language, because they used their ass to comunicate (with gases). That was also a defence from the dinosaurs.

edit History and Politics

Latvian tribes have been living in this territory for many millennia (approximately 0,7). They were famous for their critically acclaimed and professionally executed cannibalism (they also killed dinosaurs - Tyrannosaurs. Actually they were one of the most reasonable explanations for why dinosaurs disappeared), so the houses were built very far from each other. In 1290, Latvia was invaded by Eestiland and Zululand. After a long dispute in the best (and only) pub not yet trashed by British Drunken Marine division, about the ownership of the country both of the invaders were too drunk to dispute further and gave it to the Aztec Empire as a present for it's marriage with Luxemburgian Kalvinian emirate.

For many years Latvia has been occupied by wild urlas. But in the year 1980 the president Dr. Maita with his fellow assistant Otomārs destroyed the last urla.

Latvia was then under the jurisdiction of the Asstec drunk Empire until it was finally liberated by the United States of Pants. Afterwards several wars of expansion established the first country of Letu Bara Cilts which ended with famous Revolution of Storks. After finally reclaiming the eastern suburbs of Stockholm, the second anarchistic fellow monarchy of Latvian Empire of the True Happiness was established in year 1789 BC and has been in place ever since (except Interbellum) (and Postbellum).

The ill-fated World War 2,5-era attempt by some Latvians to support Hilter as a liberator from the harsh rule of Red Forces of the Lite East turned out to be a miserable and humiliating failure when everybody got a Volkswagen Beetle and some warm beer.

Latvia is considered "averagissimus", probably because they don't share well (with information and gay people, and information on women) so it's hard to judge.

President Evil, 2005

For a while Latvia used to be ruled from Montréal by the evil emperor Freibergarator with residance in Pokaiņi. She was a force of utmost evil and pokaiņņness and regularly committed citizens to jail or forced them into slavery. As long as she lived, there was no possibility that the throne would be taken. She liked to say on all occasions "Es tevi pakāršu, kuce" meaning "There shall be peace between us." but she never means it. After 3000 years Jānis Zaglers was born and captured the empire, and stole Evil's grenade-microphone.

Cadet Lieutenant Field Marshal Danis Aleksandrs Butners is the prince of all of Latvia. He is currently attending the US Military Academy while he works on his Quadruple major. Latvians are also famous for their excessive lankiness, 80's punk, freakishly long fingers and cacas.

edit Newfoundland Connection

On your way from Kojaknia to Felupinheim along the cobblestone highway you are sure to discover the quaint little harbour town known as Little Falls. There, the finest cat foods are collected, pressed, grilled, and portioned into tiny little squares that are then shipped to the hungry masses of Latvia’s sprawling inner city ghetto’s via underwater cargo trains. It’s all part of a bold new program, funnelled through the first parliament session in centuries by what Sir Reginald Bawls III Senior calls “unanimous” approval. The country of Latvia passed the G-2 bill or the “let’s give cat food to the needy like Newfoundland” bill. And frankly, it’s working! Never has it been recorded a more spectacular windfall of well fed bums, hobos, slackers, beggars, vagrants, vagabonds, couch surfers, mole people, net-cafe refugees, binners, dumpster divers, street kids, street people, sandwich-board men, squatters, buskers, squeegees, derelicts, forgotten men, freight train hoppers, itinerants, internally displaced persons, nomads, schnorrers, tramps, waifs and ne’er do wells in all of creationist history. Indeed, the homeless equation accounts for 97 percent of Latvia’s geographic population so everybody’s pretty much happy right now save for the hooker population (the other 3 percent) who were not tabled in the historic bill, because they're bitches. The population was so overjoyed, that this week’s dictator president, Dolf Lungfish, declared March 9th National Cat Food Day in remembrance of all the boys lost holdin’ the line. This could never have happened if trade negotiations with Newfoundland hadn’t panned out thanks to the intervention of hot shot New York lawyer, Johnnie Cochran (aka Jackie Chiles). In commemorative gratitude, Little Falls was awarded the status of sister city to Newfoundland’s Grand Falls, which has a bigger penis but is not too arrogant about it. Newfoundland has since become a commercial giant selling over-priced meow mix to the Latvians, and this trend seems to have no end in sight. Rumors have it that Newfoundland is experimenting with Fancy Feast flavored potato vodka in an attempt to break into the lucrative, and highly cherished, Canadian liquor market.

OH YEAAH AND DONT FORGET MOE WHO MADE THE COUNTRY --DangerAhead 22:53, March 11, 2011 (UTC)

edit Culture

Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire and riflemen songs (composed by Jānis Švika), for example "Traucas mans dzim-orgāns tev pa ā-nu-su!" ("I've just killed a deer, oh God!", original version "You are a woman, I am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner, while making humping motions. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, although the plan didn't succeed because Evil and her corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.

Latvia's most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši" with lead singer Oskars Lekuns. They play ultra-loud Metal that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly RUSSIANS ) have had their heads spontaneously explode while listening to this music.

Favourite song of the year 2009 is "Nāk nakts" by Vaidava.

Latvians are also known for their distinctive style of whittling; they use the bones of deceased presidents.

There's a number of attractions including "Dziesmu Svētki", where Latvians sing their national anarcho-punk rock and heavy-metal songs as well as performing difficult yoga exercises, performing one of Hamlet's scenes, riding on a plane's turbine and hunting on local cars (everything at the same time and place.)

Latvians also have the "Zoophile Festival" on the 1st of September precisely at midnight. The second country after Lithuanian Maximus Federation which has provided the world with an experienced zoophiliac and necrophiliac pride (that's why Latvians hate Lithuanians.)

The best Latvian rock bands are Jānis & Garfunkel, System of a Jānis, Jānis Hendrix, Jānis Dylan, Jānis and the Bad Seeds, Jānis and Mary Chain and of course The Jānis & BB Jānis.

Fighting is very important culture of latvians. Its like animal mate call, if you beat shit out of another male, u can mate whit all females in Rajons (territory)(Most of mating areas is Clubs and Bars). Most of Latvians have Rajoni (territories), if unknown male is trespassing this territory, then fighting and skull bashing is imminent.

Latvia is home to Hollymežs (Hollywood is a parody of Hollymežs). Some of the most well-known films which were filmed in Hollymežs are "Mr. and Mrs. Janis", "Star Wars" (with a Valdis Skywalker in a main role), Fight Jānis, Mommy Mommy, There is a Janis Under My Bed! and of course Jānis in the Big City.

Latvia was an ordinary land to the whole world until 1423 when a group of drunken elven generals thought to build a base from which they could control the entire planet. Afterwards exploration missions by Swiss popes ensured the continues imports and supply of corrupt politicians.

Two teenage Latvians have also claimed to have broken the speed of light by using just a common Bumble Bee, a pair of nail scissors and double sided sticky tape, although this has yet to be proven. When questioned how the speed was measured, they replied, "The Latvian way."

93% of Latvians never have used a phone, yet, thanks to their good genetics, 100% of them can hack any Windows 7 version and build nuclear-powered ovens (again - both at the same time.)

The key point in Latvian culture is its annual bear festival, where 30,000 bears are released into the main square to the sound of orchestral metal and it's seen as pointless, but as its the only thing that keeps their country from imploding and becoming Moon-people, they just keep doing it.

edit Military

Latvian Army Ranger, 2005

In 2005, Andorra declared war on Latvia [2]. The Latvian Government hasn`t taken any action on it yet, but their 2 spearmen, 4,5 cavalry (inlcuding 1 for repair parts) and alchemist from Weapons of Mass-Puffs Division are secretly mobilising. As it has often occurred in Latvia's history most will be sacrificed to the Latvian gods before the battle begins. Unusually, the military is not a popular choice of career. Nonetheless, the Latvian military continues to harrass former Soviet Russia, making heavy use of skirmish tactics to inspire fear and lower the Russian morale. Popular manuver, studied in all military textbooks as an excellent and latvianishistic military tactics is for the alchemist to use helium ballons to acquire enough altitude and speed to write "Though shalt fear the Me" in the skies above northern parts of the emirate, in the former direction of the former Soviet Russia.

The only explanation for Russia's fear of tiny (which sometimes isn't true) Latvia centres around the fact that Latvia is a NATO power located semi-directly on Russia's border and is armed with the infamous euro (€), a currency which could reduce the Russian Empire to nothing but rubble (or perhaps rubles) in a matter of russ-minutes.

Since recently Latvia also has been secretly building and collecting from foreign museums 666 battalions of WWI-style planes equipped with modern laser weapons (green laser pointers from the Compgeeks web store) which actually has the capability to give an enemy a mild tan. Its ground forces consists sometimes of two battalions of troops renowned for their abilities in the destruction of tanks with their bare hands. Unfortunately, the active service expectancy of these troops is approximately two weeks, as the injuries sustained to their hands often reduce them to fighting with their feet, and everyone knows that tanks are immune to feet. What is more, Latvia has acquired a weapon of mass destruction - a so called toilet bomb which showers the surrounding area with thousands of toilets, destroying any living creature which makes contact with their hazardous contents.

There is unofficial information about rich tank-ores in Latvian and Estonian territories. It is hinted that the government intend to make mines to dig up more tanks, but all they have located thus far are two mini-miners and an electric scooter.

See also, the Latvian Flag. Scientists believe that the flag contains encoded information pertaining to the Latvian military, but not even the Latvians have managed to decode it, at this point. It is believed that the flag holds information on either a new form of tank, or a rejuvenating hand-balm.

Additionally, you will never ever see two Latvians fighting each other, they are to loyal to the president's ruling of "More we be, more we be crush". As a result, all serious misunderstandings (bank collapses, monopoly licence selling, neighbour getting better car or job) are solved over Ultima Online PVP or Counter Strike.

The Latvian military also has two tanks, not to be confused with the tanks of the mines. One of them is a gift from the President of United States of United Antarktika and another was found in a swamp were it had sunk during WWI. Scientists have proven that one Latvian equals roughly 301 Spartans. No This is NOT Sparta!!!

edit Latvians are very dangerous

It is believed that Latvians have two tanks only to show their youth how pathetic are enemies. True Latvians don't need tanks, planes or any other weapons. They can win any other nation (like United States on Arctica) barehanded (like national junkie Bearslayer, who ripped a bear to pieces) or sometimes just by declaring war. No one knows why they are so unstoppable although it is supposed that they have secret energy source kept somewhere underground or in the trees...

The only way to escape a Latvian is to cut off one of your legs and throw it to him (Aim for the eyes or any other vital parts). Then jump away (really) fast and hope for a quick death (unlikely).

Latvians may also use their other effective defense mechanism; throwing belašhi (pīrāgi), a traditional Latvian dish filled with the innards of several animals that you don't want to know about. They have been known to have very good aim when throwing these and project them at your body with their two belašhi launching tanks. When pīrāgs or belašs.hšhss .. hits a living body, it crawls under the skin and eventually reaches the brain, therefore taking over. Zombified enemies are usually gathered together to form new army divisions.

Some Latvians have achieved unseen breakthrough in means of humans as a weapon. They have ascended to a new level called Super-Saiyan Latvian and with that gained unseen power, speed and ability to hold orgasm longer than any woman. Also they cannot be penetrated by bullets, shrapnel and penises, which makes their natural immunity to homosexuality even more complete. Homosexual Latvians are genetically modified.

In 2010. Latvia became the first country to discover the "Aim for the weak spot for massive damage" bomb. Further details are still a secret. if Russia ever go back into latvia the nazi germans say the will win with just one king tiger tank but no one can find it on google earth

edit Geography

map made by Latvian, 2005

The exact location of this mythic country is unknown to anybody, as nobody in the Confederation of Europia can locate it, although some assumptions have been made in order to try to discover the place of birth and residence of the wild Latvian squirrels. The reason for Latvia's invisibility is something of an enigma, as it borders both the Baltic Ocean Lands and Russian Desert, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire. At the right is a supposed map of Latvia, as pictured by the world famous cartograph and World of Warcraft player ARAMANTY. There are many myths that Adolf Hitler is still hiding in Latvia. He changed his name. He is now called Juris Zass.

Latvia borders The Empire of Vodka,place where Lukashenko lives,Slow guys and Basketballandia.

Also there is Latvia in Britain, in United States of Antarctica (Lāču Town) and in other small countries. There live only those Latvians who are very patriotic (they love their country so much that they have decided not to live there).

Kurzeme declared itself a republic ruled by The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and joined the terrorist organisation of OMLGF last Thursday. According to the CNN, Kurzeme was aided by a Boy Scout Battallion of unknown loyalties. They have also very high level of capoeira. They use it to kick Russians( Also know as urlas)

Recent discovery shows that center of world is Klāvs Stiprais' house. It is located in Madona. There the mighty king Klāvs enslaves tiny midgets and a three-legged pony. He also has a smaller brother that is the king of Batutija. He rules over the far lands of Lazdona.

edit Economy

FiguNauda - one of Latvian currency units

Latvian bank leaders are known to be the richest people around the planet. They usually eat all of their money. That way, no one can steal the money. Usually the safes where the people money is kept, are guarded by horrific geelworms (svinsk geelworm) (svinskas zvīņtārpi)

While a search for "Latvian mail-order brides" yields 42 Intarweb hits from places billing themselves as "the mail-order bride warehouse", the entire stock of Latvian brides has already been depleted due to demand from suitors in wretched third-world countries who see espousing a mail-order bride with European Union citizenship as an easy way out after being turned away at every border from France to Russia when traveling with American passports, €80-cent dollars in their hands and Iraqi war wounds covering the rest of their bodies.

As of March 2006 the top three exports are mud ($150M/yr), ski products ($25M/yr), and Russians (20K/yr). Latvians require a constant inflow of green vegetables, Latvians from elsewhere in the former Soviet empire, Lithuanian prostitutes, pork, beer, electricity (98% imported from Finland), and UN "help" dollars. According to ancient tradition, once a year all of the imports are placed on the presidents doorstep for him to take as much as possible (generally around 33%). The rest is up for grabs and the mobs often go on Russian-killing rampages if they don't get enough Pilsener.

There is also curious native product called sprats. When they are from Norway, normal people call them sardines, but Latvians consider them their own, and consider sprats (also called sproten) special. The salt content is so high, that they have defeated opponents by causing the invading opponent's blood pressure to skyrocket when they were consumed. Lativan soldiers training regimen includes building up a tolerance to the sodium content.

The Latvian Currency is the LAT or DVK. However, the popular "pa muti" is also accepted as a valid currency in most areas of Latvia.

edit Health

Latvia is a very healthy nation indeed, solely because all of its citizen are descendants of the legendary Bear Ripper Valdis.

In recent months a new and deadly virus, called "draugiem.lv" or "one.lv" , has been spreading amongst Latvians. By now ~85 (March 2006) of the population are infected by it, with infection rates rising per the lettish hour. It is known to cause diarrhea, Exploding Head Syndrome, retardation, Ultimate erection and a subconscious urge for migration to the EU pastures. It spreads through e-mail,bus and by mobile internet wap. Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that the virus was created by a group of 1337 hax0rZ to spy on people, But this is disregarded by African doctors, who were able to stop the virus from spreading in Eeesti-pois-land. These doctors claim that it is impossible to control one's sphincter from the interweb. The theorists heartily disagree. The main threat of this virus is that it affects Latvians much faster than Estonians. This is because the normal Estonian heart rate is 15-16 times slower than that of the Latvian (25/mph and one to two while sleeping). A cure for the virus has not yet been found, though some people have miraculously recovered by using Anusol suppositories orally, as well there have been reports that some people are imune to this virus. Few foreign scientists claim that this virus could miraculously give explanation how Latvia can border both the Baltic Ocean and Russia, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire.

Latvians care very much about their health, it is written in the Law to add iodine to the salt and old Russian pharmacy 'zeļjonka' to the sugar. It is also stated that, "if there is someone sick in Latvia's territory, he or she must be shot in the knees and put in prison for letting the nation down."

Due to the recent discovery that average drinking water (H2O) actually is a toxic waste left from the invasion of sick-minded retard cats, the Rulers of Latvia have asked people to refrain from use of any liquid substance, except Croca-Cona canned tree juice, which has been acknowledged by many dietary scientists and experts from McDonaltas chicken food industries. This has caused a new movement of radical hippy-nudist politicians, who devote their lives to opone drinking as an indecorous use of human mutual organs. And what do stock-brokers say to all this? "Although this will create another crisis in the market,we are quite used to it,and this won't affect any aspect of urban citizen life,except the increase of the increase rate of taxes, which has gone from +56.2% to 921.99%. due to the fact that none has a large enough bank account to pay for these taxes anyway, the average citizen won't feel a thing."

edit Sports

Sport is an integral part of Latvian life.Some of these sports, the rules of which rules became known due the to outflow of information from Latvian settlers are listed below:

• Volleyball
• basketball

Quote from the BookOfSport: Ja tu lasi šo tekstu tu noteikti esi urla.

• One that couldn't be translated, cause of local lexicon (Kazaki razboinjiki),(very old game, where players have to hide from each other and keep secret password and when opposite team finds them, they beat them until password is revealed)
• Sadomasochistic admiring a group of people who hit a little black plastic pancake with sticks, also known as "Ice hockey"
• Playing some sort of soccer called "litrabols", where any foul ends up with drinking vodka. Therefore most notable litrabols teams are located near Russia, the great supplier of alcohol. A similar game to

checkers exists, too. A famous children's game is "Balalaika" where a brave child ties himself to a rope and jumps off any high point. The game is a game of guesswork - is the rope short enough not to smash your face into the ground? There is a National Balalaika Team (LV-NBT), who won first place in the World Balalaika Championship (Beating China, since they didn't use ropes at all)

• All Latvians compete in the national witch-hunt of the Lithuanian this involves the gang beating of any Lithuanian that steps on the Latvian turf.

edit Latvian Music

Latvian music sounds like a car accident involving three blonde women. The most popular musician is the world famous "Dzelzs Vilks" ("Iron Wolv").

Latvians also enjoy listening to their own National Anthem over and over again.

Another favorite is the American artist Bruce Springsteen who they often confuse with Johnny Cash.

And nowadays a lot of Latvian youth listens to club music. Those people are often on drugs or drunk.

But some are listening to emo and that other one music style which is even worse (yes, it is possible)but we will soon shoot them all.

Although all isn't allowed all Lavians must at least once climb in "Vanšu tilts" in Riga and request Death Metal festival, which ends when 666 kg of vomit is collected, but the festival never ends because all Latvians become too drunk to vomit. is nice

edit Famous Latvians

A little known fact about Latvian society is that the name Jānis is in fact universal, and can be applied to anyone and anything. Scientists from "National Atrofieren Sarunvalod' Administrātzij"(NaSa) have stated that "Jānis" is not a noun. It is actually a plural of the adjective "Juris", and therefore must be treated as an irregular French verb.

The favorite Latvian activity is sitting in a bosk, playing kokle (ugly and not tasty instrument) and swearing at a neighbor or anyone else about bipolar biological bones. Also Perkele is being stabbed when they can find it.

Latvians have been applauded for their skill in cooking. The famous book of Jānis Rītiņš, "1001 ways to cook a Lithuanian", can be found in every household.

Probably the one Latvian, that is known everywhere is Jānis Rainis IV - The first Latvian who ascended to a super-Latvian, acquiring enormous composing and poetic potential.

Usually the presidents of Latvia are not very famous persons because Latvians don't give a shit about politics. However, there is an one exception, the first president Pipins the Long. He is famous among people because of his name. There is a similar word in Latvian "pimpis" which means "a dick", so many people call this historical person "Garais Pimpis", which literally means "a long dick".

Former European Union comissioner Piebalgs is also very famous for his heroic act on International debate. When opponent was stating his best argument Piebalgs jumped off his seat, screaming "Hulk smash!!" and smashed everyone. Because he's damn badass.

Benjamin D. Inder from Newfoundland traces his ancestry to Latvia's own Colonel Mütton Indàr known for winning the Sino-Latvia War in 1905 when he single handedly gave the Russians everything within the national treasury. Benjamin Inder is also the only Newfoundlander who can trace his origins to Latvia.

edit Education

The entire education system of Latvia is described in one book, called "Dullais Dauka" ("Dumb Doofus"). Students read this book when they're two years old. After passing an examination on their knowledge of this book, all graduates are assigned the title "dr.hab.dullais".

Also, the great Latvian education system has the most noticeable invention of the modern times: the "average man." He was invented between 1976 and 2031. And a great struggle in the popcorn market. The average man is the one. All cars, doors, steps and corks are made to fit him, toilet scrubbers are made to perfectly adopt forms of his hand, all dressers first make a dress that would fit him, before making it for others, all prices are suitable for average man. Average man possesses stable income from the World economy and has at least 1 flat. The Average man is mostly Chinese, and a bit black from 1 side yet he is considered to be European etc. Bow down before the might of Latvian education, you dirty infidel dogs!

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