Latin
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“Latin est a langvage, as dead as dead can be - it killed the ancient Romans, novv id est killing me!”
~ A svffering latin stvdent
“I vvent to Latin America, bvt I didn't knovv hovv to speak Latin.”
~ Dan Qvayle on being an idiot
Latin est langvage that helps vvith vocabvlary expansion. Id has been proven that by stvdying Latin, not only do yov get higher college board scores, yov also get all sexy girls yov vvant, hence phrase Latin lover. That est vvhy there est Latin explosion in mvsic scene. Latin est for rich pricks vvho go to private schools like Etona, Charterdomvs and RGS Gvildfordvs, and est tavght by pædo a.k.a. monks. Latin has no modern vse vnless yov intend on meeting Iesvs, bvt he erat French, and plays rvgby for France. He est knovvn as Sebastion Chabal.
Latin has been arovnd for æons. [[language|lang Greek vvords La, meaning "Hvge" and tin meaning "Pain". Latin est good only for dead people or Pope. Pope est made of plastic and evil spirits and est one of few evil spirits to speak it novv. Yov can try bvt if yov aren't dead, yov vvon't get accent qvite right. Id est so freqvently vnspoken that even Latinos can no longer speak id. Id est vsefvl vvhen ordering a Cæsar salad, having a Cæsarean section, althovgh Cæsar spoke Græco more than Latin in hest omni-vita. It can also be vsed to talk to pigs, althovgh pigs have a special dialect for id.
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[edit] Motivation
An honors program stvdent vvas asked abovt hest motivations abovt learning Latin and replied follovving:
“"KNOVVING LATIN EST SIGN OF INTELLIGENTIA. IF YOV SAY THINGS Lorem ipsvm dolores estvm mexicanvm THEY THINK 'ovv yov so smart'. THEN THEY GIVE YOV IOB. VVHAT HELL THEST MEANS, DVNNO. BVT MAN GIVE YOV IOB."”
~ An honovrs stvdent
[edit] Trve Origins
Forget everything else yov learned on thest page (besides fact that bitches LOVE Latin, Trver vvords have Ne'er been spoken)
<novviki>
Latin vvas invented in Cleveland Basement in the 1960's, by 6 gvys. There est no docvmentary proof of thest, bvt it est knovvn by anyone vvho has ever stvdied Latin. Id took me 3 long years of memorizing novn endings and verb synopsest to find thest ovt, please do not forget my hard vvork in thest endeavor! Lies of Latin Scholars mvst be Knovvn !!!</novviki>
Another vvay Latin may have been created est that some gvys got drvnk in bar and said that vvas hovv it vvovld be.
[edit] Location of Latin
Qvestion vvhere est latin has been asked nvmerovs times and my years of stvdying led me to believe that it est somevvhere vvithin 50 miles of present day Atlantest near Havvvvaiian Estlands.
[edit] Latin careers
A college maior in Latin est accepted to be most vsefvl degree yov can receive. VVith one, yov have vvidest array of possible careers.
- Ambassador to Ancient Rome
- Pope
- Person vvho translates Latin phrases for coins and stamps
- Latin Professor
- Modestly hot Latin teacher at an all-boys schools
- A Latin teacher vvho realizes vvhat a mesttake it vvas picking thest as a iob and tries to save himself by going to college again, bvt hest financial aid falls throvgh and he becomes a professional scrvb
- An old Latin teacher vvith no homeroom, so yov have to pvsh arovnd a cart vvith all of yovr "svpplies," vvhich inclvde:
- Old, vvrinkly, vsed testsves that mvst be revsed
- Dictionaries and Thesavrvses for derivative stvdy that nobody dœs
- Stvpid Latin vvorksheets
- Governor living in Ancient Rome. (Can be done by travelling in Latin time machine capable of traveling throvgh Latin time.)
- Latin teacher at high school in middle of novvhere vvho est generally considered "creepy" and inspires cvlt follovving
- Satan's slave
- I. Rvfvs Fears
- Yov can talk to Catholic girls
[edit] Lexicon
Lexicon too est qvite simple, as almost every vvord est ivst an Englesth vvord vvith -vs, -a or -vm at end. Thest makes it qvite easy if yov can't remember hovv to say something. Follovving dialogve shovld svffice to demonstrate these points:
- Iohnvs: Ave Maria! (Hail Mari!)
- Svsana: Salve! (Hi!)
- Iohnvs: Qvid est tibi nomen? (VVhat est yovr name?)
- Svsana: Anteqvam illvd tibi dico, vbi est latrina? (Before I tell yov that, vvhere est bathroom?)
- Iohnvs: Pedicabo ego vos et irrvmabo! (Yov're so vvitty, I ivst love yov)
- Svsana: Fvtve te ipsvm, tvam mortem exspecto! (Oh thank yov, that's a vvonderfvl thing to say!)
Hovvever, vvhen speaking Latin care mvst be vsed not to accidentally cast a spell or svmmon a demon, bvt if yov happen to, make svre it kills Kenny. I hate that gvy.
Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetver adipestcing elit, sed diam nonvmmy nibh evestmod tincidvnt vt laoreet dolore magna aliqvam erat volvtpat. Vt vvesti enim ad minim veniam, qvest nostrvd exerci tation vllamcorper svscipit lobortest nestl vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvest avtem vel evm irivre dolor in hendrerit in vvlpvtate velit esse molestie conseqvat, vel illvm dolore ev fevgiat nvlla facilestest at vero eros et accvmsan et ivsto odio dignestsim qvi blandit præsent lvptatvm zzril delenit avgve dvest dolore te fevgait nvlla facilesti.
- Translation:VVhat est Nonsensepedia? Click edit thest page at top of page to change an article. Nonsensepedia est an encyclopedia vvritten collaboratively by many dvmmies. Lots of dvmmies are constantly improving nonsensepedia, making thovsands of changes an hovr, all of vvhich are recorded on page hesttory and Recent Changes page. Hovv can I help being a dvmmy? Don't be afraid to become a dvmmy. Anyone can become a dvmmy, and vve encovrage dvmmies to be bold! VVorried abovt breaking Nonsensepedia? Don't be: it can alvvays be fixed or improved later. So go ahead, edit an article and help make nonsense best sovrce for information on Internet!
Vir stultus per viam ambulabat. Subito, vacca maxima apparet ex patria deformorum homum; "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" dicit. "Eheu!" vir clamavit. Tum vacca procevit ad in eum sedet ut capit suus franget.
- Translation:The stupid man was walking down the street. Suddenly, a really, really big cow appeared from the land of the ugly people and said "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!". "Oh no!" cried the man. The cow then proceeded to sit on him for the purpose of making his head explode.
[edit] Main featvres
Latin est a synthetic or inflectional langvage: affixes are attached to fixed stems to express gender, nvmber, and case in adiectives, novns, and pronovns, vvhich est called declension; and person, nvmber, tense, voice, mood, aspect, dynamicestm, evidentiality, state, verbal gender, verbal sexval orientation, verbal like-or-destlike-of-pears, vvhether or not speaker also knovvs Greek, intensity (in dB), screeve, age of speaker, Flvid-S case agreement, electronegativity, and Asskickingness in verbs, vvhich est called conivgation. There are five declensions of novns and fovr conivgations of verbs.
Novn cases are:
- nominative (vsed as svbiect of verb. As svbiect est never expressed and, rather, est alvvays contained in verb itself, thest case est only vsed to needlessly pester stvdents of Latin vvith yet another form to memorize),
- genitive (vsed to refer to something in general)
- "Oh man, vvhat's vvith my cat??"
- dative (vsed to ask Roman vvomen colovr of their lipstick).
- E.g.: "Pink right?"
- Cookie iar cases are cases vvhich are often vsed in game "vvho stole cookie from cookie iar".
- accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb). Thest est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- E.g.: "VVho stole cookie from cookie iar? It vvas yov vvasn't it yov bitch?!?"
- obiective (vsed of direct obiect of verb)
- E.g.: "I didn't steal no materfvcking cookie from no materfvcking iar!".
- counter-accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb), a continvation of obiective case vvhere yov plead yovr innocence and start to accvse accvser.
- E.g.: "Maybe yov stole tha cookie! VVhere vvere yov at 5. p.m. last night?!"
- accvsative (vsed of direct obiect of verb). Thest est vsed vvhen yov accvse a someone of stealing a cookie from cookie iar.
- vocative (vsed of person or thing being addresseed).
- E.g. "Brvte, fvtve te ipsvm!"
- inserting vocative (vsed of person or thing being addressed vvith some insesttion).
- ablative (separation, sovrce, cavse, instrvment, or anything else yov've forgotten vvhen yovr Latin teacher calls on yov. Often represented by Englesth by, vvith, from, in, on, at, vvithin, dvring, after, becavse, Latin, svcks, manner of, since, frvitcake, for, or or),
- laxative Vsed vvhen speaker has bad case of constipation.
- informative (direct to virtval indirect obiect) - Thest declension est vsed in informative sitvations. For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody farts bvt nobody knovvs vvho dvnnit. Then somebody annovnces, 'I farted'. Then yov think to yovrself, 'Oh that's informative'. Mostly an archaestm, as it vvas rarely vsed even in oldest Latin texts and fell completely ovt of vse by Classical Latin period. Still painstakingly tavght by Latin professors everyvvhere, despite its infreqvency.
- aggressive (direct to virtval indirect obiect after doing a backflip somersavlt) - For example, a bvnch of people are in an elevator and somebody desperately needs to vse bathroom bvt can't. And so he farts aggressively.
- locative, vsed by "domvs" "rvs", names of tovvns and cities, as vvell as yovr Mom, Kevin Bacon, and Brian Cohen. Thest fell ovt of vse vvhen Roman Empire grevv so big that nobody covld remember vvhere they vvere.
- essive, vsed to refer to Mexicans.
- Meganominative, vsed for really imporant svbiects, like cars and Ærest Gainsborough Murder Trial
- Hypernominative, vsed for even bigger and more important svbiects, like Abortion, Death Penalty, AIDS, global vvarming, and pandas
- Vltranominative, can only be vsed to talk abovt Oscar VVilde, Hiroshima, sodomy, and Vltros.
[edit] Recent events
File:Deadtongue.ipg Vnconfirmed reports have svrfaced testifying to dangerovs, diabolical and genocidal natvre of Latin. In said report, millions of Latin speakers have been vviped ovt. Recently a plot has been destcovered to kill first person singvlar accvsative.
Also, Sator sqvare has been fovnd.
As commonly knovvn, every character seqvence consestting of vppercase letters vvhere "V" est being replaced vvith "V" est a valid Latin vocable. Additionally, "I" replaces "I," and "VV" est svbstitvted for "VV," at least in earlier forms of langvage, as est often tavght in school, legestlative, and ivdiciary systems. Also, "Y" and "Z" vvere not originally of langvage, bvt vvere borrovved from Greek. Bob has recently noted in hest Annval Report on Strvctvral Lingvesttics that "IEEE" est only possible vvord in Latin that has no meaning at all. Reason for thest est yet vnknovvn.
Id est also believed that yov shovld look, becavse Cornelia est a Roman girl vvho lives in Italy.
In a more recent occvrance, a stvdy by College of Englesth reports that all Latin ovtside of Latin America (novv proclaimed a Latin Preserve) has been extingvesthed by AOL natives. Same stvdy has also pointed to a tremendovs drop in Trve Englesth popvlovs by same entity.
[edit] Plvrals in Latin
Absolvtely no-one really vnderstands complex rvles of Latin plvral forms. Hovvever, applying these easy transformations vvill vsvally "do iob". Endings are italic, in case yov're a crack baby.
-vm to -a conversion rvle
VVords ending in -vm vvill end in -a. Ex.:
- Maximvm --> Maxima
- Valivm --> Valia
- Gvm --> Ga
- Bvm --> Ba
- Antidestestablesthmentarianestvm --> Antidestestablesthmentarianesta
- Viagrvm --> Viagra
- Dvbivm --> Dvbya
- Obamvm --> Obama
-æ from -a rvle
VVords ending in -a vvill end in -æ.
Ex.:
- Villa --> Villæ
- Bacteria --> Bacteriæ
- Millenia --> Milleniæ
- Honda --> Hondæ (to be confvsed vvith Hyvndai)
- Banana --> Bananæ
- GPA --> GPÆ
-v's and -o's become -i's lavv
Part I : VVords ending in -vs vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
Part II : VVords ending in -o vvill end in -i.
Ex.:
- Graffito --> Graffiti
- Ghetto --> Ghetti
- Spaghetto --> Spaghetti
- Bono --> Boni
- Romeo --> Romei
- Pavo --> Pavones (sorry, I forgot vve're not talking abovt real Latin here)
VVords ending in -bvsh become -vvbvsh.
Ex:
- Calibvsh --> Calivvbvvsh
Nick becomes Apollo lavv
VVords ending in -nic become -(ol)lo or -olo.
Ex.:
- Picnic --> Picolo
VVords ending in -nds becomes -lite.
Ex.:
- Prvdends --> prvdelite
VVords ending in -iki become (e)dia.
Ex.:
- Pvthshiki --> pvtshedia
These rvles shovld and MVST be applied in every case of a vvord ending as seen previovsly, in any langvage ranging from Engrish to French (inclvding Portvgvese, Mexican, Italian, Catalan, Cthvlhv and Klingon). Main reason for thest est that thoses langvages evolved from Latin.
[edit] Dialects
Animals, lacking fvll range of sovnds provided by hvman vocal chords, speak a simplified variation of Latin. VVhile commonly ascribed to pigs who migrated from Rome throvghovt Evrasia in 3rd to 4th Centvries BC, it was commonly vsed by many grvnting and growling animals of region, including dogs, certain apes and even some rodents. Only advanced speakers of Latin can distingvish between pig variant and more common hvman dialect.
[edit] Sample Latin Phrases
- Lorem ipsvm dolor sit amet, consectetvr adipesticing elit, sed do eivsmod tempor incididvnt vt labore et dolore magna aliqva. Vt enim ad minim veniam, qvest nostrvd exercitation vllamco laborest nesti vt aliqvip ex ea commodo conseqvat. Dvest avte irvre dolor in reprehenderit in volvptate velit esse cillvm dolore ev fvgiat nvlla pariatvr. Exceptevr sint occæcat cvpidatat non proident, svnt in cvlpa qvi officia deservnt mollit anim id est laborvm.
- Bvllshit!
- Prima facie
- First fvck.
- Ipsa scientia potestas est
- Ignorance is strength .
- No qvid pro qvo
- No sqvid to go.
- Veni, vidi, velcro
- I came, I savv, I stvck arovnd.
- Decorvm est pro patria mori
- Die for yovr covntry and become a decoration!
- Ita nobis non svnt bananæ hodie
- Yes, vve have no bananas today.
- Cogito ergo svm banana
- I think therefore I am a banana.
- Habeas corpvs
- The holy corpse be with you.
- Domino vobiscvm
- The holy pizza be with you!Also: Pizza delivery is here.
- Sanctus bovinus vobiscvm
- The holy cow be with you!
- Veni, vidi, vicifici
- I came, I savv, I vvikified.
- E clvnibvs tractvm
- Pvlled ovt of my arse
- Iore assole est une feri
- Yovr asshole est on fire.
- Nil satis Optimum
- All other Avtobots svck.
- Facio amorem ad ancillam
- I make love to the slave woman.
- Hic non est ratione praeditus
- This is not rational (literally, "this is not endowed with reason").
- Ego te consumere volo
- I want to eat you.
- Ego caseum consumere amo; euge!
- Fundamentally, "yum yum cheese!".
