Lars Ulrich
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| Lars Fuckin' Ulrich | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Name | The Danish Knob |
| Occupation | Peter Puffer |
| Sexual Orientation | Really gay, I mean he cried in court over Napster |
| Quotes | "I'll Sue Ya!", "I'm The One That Founded Metallica, so FUCK OFF", "Boobs Rule","Your testicles will be kicked if you stop downloading my shit!" |
Lars Jethro Slobodan Bertha Ulrich (or U'llBRich) is a whiny, bitchy, human incarnate of a herpes infected 90-year old vagina, who is best known for banging on Mr. Trashy the Trash Can on the album "St. Wanker". Known to those "in the know" as "That Danish Knob", Lars Ulrich was actually a good person at one point in his life, dedicating time to helping little old ladies and tripping the boys scouts out to steal his job. As a percussionist he leaves a lot to be desired, and this is where his evil comes in... During the recording of St. Wanker, Lars Ulrich summoned Beezulbub and asked him to grant him the most evil sounding drum kit in all of the universe... Beezulbub, horrified by this request, only gave him the second most evil sounding kit (The first belonging to Meg White of the White Stripes). So pleased with his new found power, Lars recorded the entire album's drum tracks in a record 3 minutes and 5 and one half seconds. He is also known to have recorded all the drum tracks for the entire St. Wanker album with Trashy the Trash Can.
Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pioneer of the world famous "Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts", said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Lars when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.
In July 2008 George W. Bush announced that Lars was ITSLYM's new drummer. When asked why he took to position over Metallica, he claimed "James wouldnt let me band trash cans anymore, but now George does, so I'm exloring the depths of the human soul with the style I developed on St. Wanker to a new level."
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[edit] Uber Bitch Story
In 1986, Chuck Norris went to Denmark to see a Metallica show because he is Chuck Norris. But he saw that the Metallica bus skidding around and stuff with his amazing Chuck-Vision. Chuck saved the day by roundhouse kicking the bus back in control saving everyone but that uber-bitch Lars Ulrich. Everyone was happy and thanked Chuck and everyone pissed on Lars' corpse cuz he is a NOOB! Chuck becomes Metallica's drummer and they become the greatest band on earth. Chuck gets his good friend Chuck Schuldiner to kill Kirk Hamster and join the band. Metallica is made president and rules the world. Lars Ulrich's body is dug up by the (or in Soviet Russia, it ups your DUG or something) but they dig it up and inject a mixture of vaginal fluids and cow urine into his blood reviving him to kill Metallica! Uber-Larsemen Ulbitch throws dead cats at Chuck. Chuck was very angry and throws James Hatfield at him killing him with James amazing metal-powers. Chuck saves the day and everyone was happy. CHUCK POWER! Cliff Burton becomes the destroyer of worlds and gets laid much. Lars also sued Napster so he can get enough money to fix his ugly face. To date, his face is still the same because no plastic surgeon wants to touch his face. Don't be mean to good ol Lars His my BEST FRIEND WHO HAS NO PENUS! Yes, Chuck Norris cut it AWF! LARS IS SO BADASS AND HES FUCKING HILARIOUS EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BITCHING ABOUT NAPSTER!OK? ^
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Worst story EVER I agree. In fact, it is a fail.
[edit] Inventions
- Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pioneer of the world famous "Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts", said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Lars when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.
- Lars may or may not have invented music and jazz music, IN ADDITION TO the "¿"-symbol (also known as the red plague of southern Sri Lanka).
- He also invented LEGO Vikings series (now that is TRUE)... LEGO ist krieg!!!
- Lars has even made his own drum technique known as the "DING DING KLONK" technique. This is when you hit trash cans over a decent guitar riff making it sound like "DINGS", "DONGS and KLONKS." This drumming move is evident on their album St. Wanker.
- He is also believed to be the only man in the world who can tune the bass drum to sound 'CLICK'.
- Unknown to many, Lars Invented cocaine, which is suspected to be a mixture of his own dung and his own signature drumsticks. Lars has stated though that he has given up cocaine, but the picture to the left proves once again that Lars is full of bullshit.
- One day Lars decided to make a new form of drumstick with some metal in it. This was done to make himself look cool and take the bad look off his drumming abilities, and also to make him more money because he is a greedy shit. This didn't work tho as today most people still know him as the "trash can thief" and acknowledge the fact that his drumming sounds no better than a turd hitting the bottom of a toilet!
- He invented a sex change operation that allows the client to have a period. The side effect is that the patient never ceases to menstruate. It has only been performed on Lars Ulrich, and Hilary Clinton (Formerly known as Jerry Falwell)
- he invented cowering down to men in high heels. Mainly running away from Nikki Sixx
- Lars Ulrich infact wrote his own page on wikipedia, and recently bought a huge drumstick/dildo, which attempted to bleed his anus, but he just grinned n said 'what dont kill ya make ya more STRONG...GER.
- Clark pure wants to be Lars
[edit] The mystery of Ulrich's arms
When the new Arctic Monkeys album came out many people said the drummer had grown an extra arm in drumming, but Lars would still outperform him. How arms does that make Lars Ulrich have? 6 or 7 maybe? Lars used all these arms for drumming throughout the 80's (see: Dyers Eve), but went back to two arms when Metallica started recording the brown album. From then on the other arms were used for wanking Lars' 2-inch peewee while he was playing. This made Lars more aggressive in his drumming since wanking through a 59 minute album hurts. It would eventually make him so aggressive that he sued Napster. Fans destroyed his CDs and said they never wanted anything to do with Metallica again, they were then featured in the "Some Kind of Goat" DVD and went like "I WAS IN THE SAME DOCUMENTARY AS METALLICA~! W00T! Lars Ulrich is famous for smelling very little like a steak..
[edit] Court Cases
In late 2004 Lars sued food producer Nestle for creating an illegal reproduction of his signature snare drum, a product they called 'Quality Street'. Instead of ANOTHER tedious court case which could gain him even more hate, Lars decided simply to authorize the drum and start using it as his own, but lars came across a problem, as due to it's secondary function to house a strange, chocolate-like product, it destroyed his ever so treasured sound. So it has now become customary for Lars to empty the contents into the crowd at the beginning of concerts. However, this has landed the infamous Lars back in court AGAIN as during one concert while touring in Death Valley, CA in 2008 (which seemed a suitable location for the debut of their new album 'Deth Mega-netic') the contents had solidified into a large, sticky lump (which Lars found himself strangely attracted too). However, seeing as it would compromise his duties as band tin basher, he decided it would be good idea to instead utilize the lump into something useful. But due to his lack of imagination Lars chose to simply throw the lump into the crowd as per usual, which then hit a female fan on the head, killing her on impact. But Lars found a great solution, releasing a benefit album inspired by the incident, entitled "Some Kind of Monster-Sized Chocolaty Mass". Promising to donate 100% of the profits to charity, To this date a grand total of $15 has been donated.
