Lara Croft

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 11:55, February 10, 2013 by 177.38.65.181 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lara Croft.

Lara Croft is a highly respected and esteemed archaeologist who everyone would nail given the chance. It has been reported that she raids tombs but those reports have been unsubstantiated. Miss Croft's lawyers have contacted us and told us that any suggestion that she does in fact raid tombs would result in them suing our sorry asses. So please, for our sake, do refrain from any such comments and/or accusations.

Screen009 nm

Lara Croft with her "please nail me hard" look

Early years

Lara was born into a family of wealthy English nobles who definitely did raid tombs, along with raping and killing tribes of people in their small, simple cities in South Mexico, Africa, Asia and France. Lara's parents wanted her to take their place when they were killed in the family business, so they quickly trained her in gymnastics, hand-to-hand combat, and of course shooting at the age of 2.

When she was 12, Lara solved her first puzzle completely alone in a different universe on the planet Urgon wearing a space traveling monkey hat. Her parents were very pleased at this, but when she eventually became a moody teenager who experimented with drugs and other women, they were quite pleased as well.

Adult life

Shortly after her parents being turned into babies, Lara "accidentally" killed her mother in the Himalayas on an adventure. This happened when Lara walked up to an ornate stone dais with a sword set into it and pushed the sword in. Her mother, who she turned into a baby, was with her and she managed to be right in the middle of the dais when Lara pulled out the sword. Lara managed to jump out of the way before the FRYING beam flashed from the ground. It wasn't pretty, her mother had been fried to a crisp. On the way back home Lara just about died from hunger and had to eat her mother and leave her bones behind. Officials found the bones later but decided it was the remains of a small wolf. Shortly after Lara ate her mother she sent her baby father to Thailand BY HIMSELF to retrieve some artifacts. Natla smote him and Lara was arrested for 2 years for extreme child abuse. She got out of jail at the age 26. She continued her life as normal after that.

Alleged Death

Old Lara died at the temple of Seth at the age of 28, 2 years after she got out of jail. After setting off a trap she couldn't trust Von Croy thinking he may still have been possessed by the spirit of Seth.

The Imitator

File:LaraCroftNew.vs.old.jpg

Shortly after news of Old Lara Croft's alleged death was released, another hotter archaeologist burst into the scene. Dubbed "New Lara Croft," she is under the delusion that she is the real Lara Croft, despite the fact that she is a whiny little bitch who believes in the traditional values of life, and has never actually had sex before. Whilst she may be completely out of her mind, she has a massive rack complete with jiggle, so nobody complains.

The Other Imitator

In 2008 an even HOTTER Lara decided to break into New Lara's Mansion. The strange thing is that this Lara is just a poser, she knows she's not the real Lara and she's proud of it. She also has the great goal of killing New Lara. Breaking into the mansion she blew it up, shot Allister and almost killed New Lara. Somewhat Hotter Lara died later when Amanda saved New Lara by throwing Hot Lara into a blue lava pit with her mother!

New Lara's Interests

  • Having sex with people of all gender, age, shape, and size
  • Life
  • Ancient Cultures
  • Shooting any and all endangered dinosaurs everywhere

Old Lara's Interests

  • Guns
  • Pointless puzzles set up through the entirety of her house.
  • Ancient priceless artifacts as decorations, general space-fillers and things to wipe her ass with.
  • Moving crates for no real material gain
  • Killing ridiculously over-powered animals
  • Killing ridiculously over-powered humans
  • Showing off her gigantic assets
  • Locking the butler in the freezer
  • Swimming ridiculously long and deep without drowning
  • Sex. Obviously
  • Raiding Tombs (oh shit, we're sued)
  • Destroying priceless artifacts
Personal tools
projects