Lara Croft
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Lara Croft is a highly respected and esteemed archaeologist who everyone would nail given the chance. It has been reported that she raids tombs but those reports have been unsubstantiated. Miss Croft's lawyers have contacted us and told us that any suggestion that she does in fact raid tombs would result in them suing our sorry asses. So please, for our sake, do refrain from any such comments and/or accusations.
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[edit] Early years
Lara was born into a family of wealthy English nobles who definitely did raid tombs, along with raping and pillaging villagers in their small, simple villages in South America, Africa, Asia and France. Lara's parents wanted her to take their place when they inevitably died in the family business, so they quickly trained her in gymnastics, hand-to-hand combat, and of course shooting. Lara started using her first Uzi when she was 3 and hasn't put it down since. Also, after locking him in the freezer of the manor a couple of times, Lara killed the family butler with a shotgun when she was 7, a feat in which her parents were very proud of.
When she was 12, Lara solved her first crate puzzle. Her parents were very pleased at this, but when she eventually became a moody teenager who experimented with drugs and sex, they weren't quite as pleased. After a few years of murderous moodswings, a different boyfriend every week and constant complaints about a sore ass, her parents disowned their prodigal daughter at the age of 19.
[edit] Adult life
Shortly after being disowned by them, Lara's parents died under mysterious circumstances. Some theorise that it was Lara herself who killed them, but not us. Moving swiftly on, when her parents died, Lara inherited all of their belonging. Naturally, her assets grew larger and larger, which made her chest swell with pride. Eventually, however, Lara became somewhat suicidal and decided to start exploring the world for ancient artefacts, and perhaps a good place to die as well. Lara had no problems going wherever as she pleased, bribing any wolf, dinosaur, or Italian henchman that got in her way with her massive assets. With her foes firmly latched onto her enormous assets, Lara successfully retrived ancient artefacts such as the Ski-on, some pieces of space rock and the dildo of Xian, all of which now sit proudly in a box in the basement of her manor.
[edit] Alleged Death
In 2005, Lara was locked inside a pyramid (not a tomb, don't forget) along with the ancient Egyptian God Seth Brundle. Exactly what happened next is unknown, but it is most likely and widely assumed that Lara was killed by him, although some have other theories. In any case, Lara has yet to return, and no plans have been made to try and recover her, given the constant feminine screaming coming from inside the pyramid throughout the entire day and night.Dose this meen that underworld and legend lara are bialogical copies made from macoroni IMPORTANT QUESTIONS PEOPLE!
[edit] The Imitator
Shortly after news of Lara's alleged death were released, another archaeologist burst onto the stage. Dubbed New Lara, she is under the delusion that she is the real Lara Croft, despite the fact that she is a whining cry-baby who believes in the traditional values of life and has actually never had sex before. Whilst she may be completely out of her mind, she has a massive rack complete with jiggle, so nobody complains.
When she's not busy pretending to be the original Lara, New Lara is available as a call girl on the numbers below.
1911-IWANT-YOURBROCCOLI-COCONUTHOTDOG 1911-CANYOU-MAKEMY-ARSEHURT
[edit] The Other Imitator
In 2008, a Doppelganger posing as New Lara decided to blow up her mansion & kick her ass inside it. Despite the manor being on fire, they had a wrestling match inside of it, before eventually tiring out, and soon kissed & made up. When the police got to the scene of the crime after 9 days, they found New Lara innocent of burning her mansion to the ground. However, they found her guilty of turning into a Lesbo from making out with twin Lara.
[edit] New Lara's Interests
- Women
- Women's prisons
- Women's prisons' showers
- Women's prisons' showers' inmates
- Women's prisons' showers' inmates' asses
- Lesbianism
[edit] Old Lara's Interests
- Guns
- Pointless puzzles set up through the entirety of her house.
- Ancient priceless artifacts as decorations, general space-fillers and things to wipe her ass with.
- Moving crates for no real material gain
- Killing ridiculously over-powered animals
- Killing ridiculously over-powered humans
- Showing off her gigantic assets
- Locking the butler in the freezer
- Swimming ridiculously long and deep without drowning
- Fucking. Obviously
- Raiding Tombs (oh shit, we're sued)
- Destroying priceless artifacts
- Not swallowing her saliva. She forgets to swallow while hard at work and slobbers everywhere, which is okay because she's so hot.
