Lara Croft
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Lara Croft is a highly respected and esteemed archaeologist who everyone would nail given the chance. It has been reported that she raids tombs but those reports have been unsubstantiated. Miss Croft's lawyers have contacted us and told us that any suggestion that she does in fact raid tombs would result in her suing our sorry asses. So please for our sake please refrain from any such comments and or accusations.
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[edit] Early years
She was born into a family of English nobles who definitely did raid tombs and rape and pillage small villages in South America, Africa, Asia and France. Her parents raised Lara to take their place when they died in the family business so they trained her in gymnastics, hand to hand combat, and of course shooting. Lara started using her first uzi when she was 3 and hasn't put it down since.
When she was 12 she solved her first box pushing puzzle. Her parents were very pleased. However, when she eventually became an angsty teenager who experimented with drugs and lesbianism, then they weren't so happy.
[edit] Teenage years
Lara as a teenager acted like what you think any teenager who grows up rich, in the 80's, in London, and deadly accuracy would act who doesn't raid tombs. It wasn't long after she was 16 both her parents died in bizarre unexplainable ways that further the lone adventurer plot. Many theorize that it was Lara herself ( To all lawyers waiting to supeona us, we don't) who killed them.
[edit] Her father's death
The curse manifested itself with thirty stab wounds to his Johnson. Lara and her mother were half way around the world by the time they found his body. They had been "excavating" in the roman city of Tol-Ed-O.
[edit] Her mother's death
Her mother's death is even more bizarre than her father's. The plane they used to get to Tol-Ed-O crashed just outside it. With only Lara and her mother surviving. It was then that out of the ground the long dead residents of Tol-Ed-O pulled themselves out of the ground, grabbed the Lady Croft and proceeded to pass her around amongst them like a hookah. Lara ran away to the nearest town and told them what happened but no one believed her. They were all 100% certain they would have noticed a plane crash. Lara never forgave herself for letting her mother become the worlds only know case of reverse necrophilia and devoted herself to finding her mother.
Lara has devoted the entirety of her life trying to find out who put the curse on her father and what the hell happened to her mother.
[edit] Adult Life
Lara is now one of the most respected archaeologists on the fucking planet. Next to Indiana Jones, no one is as ass kicky either. After she finds out what actually happened she'll probably screw somebody. After that who really gives a fuck?
It is believed that Lara has had sex with at least 23 different men, and has at least 49 children. She locks the men, and children in the basement. (From an unnamed insider source to the Croft Mansion)
In 2005, Lara decided to split into two different people to give more people a chance to nail her: old Lara Croft and new Lara Croft. Old Lara Croft is a cold-hearted, bloodthristy, selfish and witty person who loves bondage and everything kinky. New Lara Croft is a whining cry-baby who believes in the traditional values of life and has actually never had sex before. So how'd you like to split her muff? Both are currently available as call-girls:
Old Lara Croft: 07760-BROCCOLI-COCONUT-HOTDOG
New Lara Croft: 07760-OH-BLOODY-HELL
[edit] Interests
- Guns
- History
- Pointless puzzles set up through the entirety of her house.
- Ancient artifacts as decorations.
- Moving crates for no real material gain
- Killing ridiculously over-powered animals
- Showing off her large, once polygonal, breasts
- Killing ridiculously over-powered humans
- Raiding Tombs (oh shit, we're sued)
- Locking the butler in the freezer in the original mansion
- Swimming ridiculously long and deep without drowning
- Fucking. Obviously
