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It makes loud, high pitched and annoying noises, so it must be a lapwing.

A lapwing.
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animals
Phylum Birdy
Class Bird
Order "And then some dude with a long beard in the sky said: Let there be lapwings!"
Family The first lapwing was adopted. It had no family.
Genus Vanillus
Species Read the title of the article.
Binomial name
Vanillus Vanillus
Primary armament Fly Away
Secondary armament Loud Noises
Power supply Worms
Health -1
Mana 0
Strength 0
Intelligence Albert Einstein
Weight 130g
Length 30cm
Special attack Flirting
Conservation status
Your next meal
“The Lapwing chick may look harmless, but in fact it is surprisingly deadly and very accurate with it's lasers.....AAAAAAAAAH!”
~ David Attenborough, on getting attacked by lapwing chicks.

Lapwings are a large species of bird, about 30cm long. They are also known as peewits, because they make loud, high pitched and annoying noises. They can be found in Europe most of the time, however over the course of the year may go on holiday (scientists call this Migration).

They are more intelligent than other birds and may go all over the place on holiday, or not at all. Most stay in Europe. Sometimes they go on holiday to China and get eaten. No-one knows why this bird is known as "vanillus vanillus" to the scientific community, however it was speculated that scientists like vanilla.

edit Description

A lapwing looks like a lapwing, it doesn't look like anything else. What even is it? It is a black and white bird, with what looks like an oil spill on it's back. At least we hope that is oil. It also has a crest on it's head. Scientists think it may be for flirting, since male and female ones are different sizes, but scientists are sexist. Everyone but the scientists know the crests are for long distance sonar communication/attacking, like whales.

edit Reproduction

edit Breeding and Eggs

Lapwings are aggressive sex addicts, but only during the breeding season, which is all year round. They use the crest on their head, as previously stated, to flirt with/chat up the females, depending on who you ask. Probably both. When there are no females, gangs of males may attempt to woo female bird watchers, and succeed in fascinating them, but cannot go any further with their relationship.

A female lapwing lays 3 or 4 eggs in a shallow hole in the ground. This is really stupid. Any land animal could stumble across the nest and tear the eggs and their mother to shreds, unlike with other birds, who build their nests in trees. Eventually the eggs hatch.

edit Chicks

Lapwing chicks, once hatched, are adorable fluffy balls of death. This is because of the gifts given to them on hatching by their relatives, such as chainsaws and lasers stolen from the LEWD. This means you should avoid them at all costs.

edit Lifestyle

Lapwing chick with laser

An adorable newly hatched lapwing chick fires the laser it got from it's psychopathic aunt or something. Warning: do not pick one up if you see one! Our cameraman lost three of his his left toes from taking this picture!

Provided they don't get crushed, get eaten, get shot, drown or dematerialize, a lapwing will live for 188.9 megaseconds. For stupid people, this is 6 years. As already stated, lapwings live in Europe most of the time. They are commonly found in fields, marshes and strip clubs. Most Lapwings eat worms. Some turn cannibal however, and stockpile worms as bait for other lapwings, which they then feast upon ravenously.

Because of the danger of nests being destroyed and eggs being consumed, squadrons of male lapwings are formed in order to protect their nests. Their sonar crests have a 1% chance of detecting enemies. These squadrons are called Lapwing Elite Winged Defense, also abbreviated to LEWD. Once an enemy, such as a fox is detected, the LEWD uses their new laser technology to shoot at it. These lapwings live a very busy life, and have to be supported by taxes.

edit Enemies

Ferocious animals will attempt to get their hands on a plump lapwing and, in a frenzy, tear it apart like you tear apart a burger, with blood oozing everywhere. (Note that the blood part should not happen with a burger, if it does, you will die.) These insane animals include, but are not limited to foxes, hungry people and birds of prey.

How not to birdwatch

An artist's impression of how you shouldn't watch lapwings in the wild. In a sanctuary or zoo it's fine.

Lapwings also have bitter rivalries. Baby seals are rivals to lapwing chicks as both are cute yet dangerous. Golden plovers are rivals too because they share habitats, and PISS (Plover Interception Sky Service) and LEWD forces have, on occasion, obliterated entire cities between plover and lapwing territory by laser fire.

edit Population decline

Unfortunately, the population of lapwings is in decline. This may be due to chicks killing each other with lasers. But you too can help them, by donating all of your money and possessions to the RSPB, or Really Stupid Protectorate of Birds. You will be homeless, starving and naked, but you just helped save 1 lapwing chick from laser fire, so it was worth it.

edit Lapwing culture

Lapwings sometimes hold festivals. These boost their morale by 1%, and lower their neighbour's sanity by 100%.

Whenever there is a full moon, or a 0% empty moon, lapwings hold festivals spanning around 100,000 breeding pairs. This is by far the largest lapwing festival. All the lapwings tilt their heads back ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶l̶o̶d̶e̶ and screech at the moon. Any lapwing lucky enough to screech just when the moon disappears will be gifted by ̶a̶n̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶l̶o̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ a year of good worms.

A family of lapwings will gather on Christmas Eve in order to collect worms for their Worm Torture Festival (WTF) the next day. Once 100 worms have been collected they rest for the rest of the day. On Christmas Day they each grab a worm and proceed to unwrap their fresh worm meat and have a feast together. How cute.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lapwing.

Lapwings have some odd traditions too. One of these is eating worms. They should just go and get pizza and be done with it. Another lapwing tradition is when babies starve their own siblings in the nest in order to get more food. How silly! Why would they starve their own kin for worms!

edit Trivia

  • Steve Irwin was the only person ever crazy enough to wrestle a formidable lapwing chick.
    • After Steve killed the chick, his parents were one of many animals who payed Mr. Stingray to kill Steve.
  • After storms, lapwings may have been swept elsewhere. They were seen in Canada after the storms of 1927 and 1966. Those lapwings were eaten with maple syrup.
  • Lapwings are, in fact, although you probably won't believe me on this one when I say it, but they are in fact: birds. Amazing!
  • Lapwings are called lapwings because they look stupider than a drunk wombat with a glider in flight. I mean, it just flies this way, and then that way, as if it were on a roller-coaster. If you think that is horrifying, wait until it blows your eardrums with it's cry.
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