Laptop

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Laptop computers, or laptops for short, are commonly thought of as a convenient replacement for desktop computers. They can more easily be transported from one location to another and they fold up into a conveniently small size. However, all evidence suggests that they were actually invented in the interest of inconvenience--specifically, in order to make it more difficult to use computers at school so that the students are less likely to goof off and more likely to do actual schoolwork.

800px-HPLaptopzv6000series

A laptop used at home. These larger versions exist to create the illusion that laptops are harmless and convenient; school laptops are much smaller

Evidence

Laptops are equipped with touchpads to replace conventional mice. At first glance they appear to be merely a way of ensuring there is as little hardware as possible to carry, but they are also significantly harder to use. They often seem to be most responsive to touch when it is least desirable (selective sensitivity): when you are trying to click on something it will have no effect, but when you accidentally rest your hand on it, the cursor will jump around excitedly and do something you didn't want it to do. This is a sign that touchpads respond not only to touch, but to intention.

Laptops have far smaller screens than desktop computers, ostensibly to enable them to take up less space. In fact, they are just big enough to allow one browser window to be squeezed in with some difficulty; attempts to fit in other windows almost always result in frustration. Restricting the number of windows that can fit on a screen is a good way to force the user to concentrate on the window relating to 'useful' work and not open extra windows that would result in having too much fun.

Laptop keyboards, like touchpads, are often unresponsive to touch; unlike touchpads, however, they do not generally become more responsive when pressed on by accident. Keyboard 'stickiness' is intended purely to make it harder to type and therefore not cause the work to take longer--effectively using up potential left-over time that could have been used for frivolous purposes--but make attempts at committing frivolous acts harder as well.

Many laptops have small cameras above the screen. These are usually thought to be intended for Skype and the like, and to only turn on when the user wants them to, but in fact they are always on and cannot be turned off. Rather like security cameras, they enable the teacher to spy on the student and watch for undesirable behaviour. The saying 'In Soviet Russia, television watch YOU!!' is far more accurate than one might expect, though it turns out to be laptops rather than televisions.

Motivation for restricting fun

It may seem that the point of all this is simply to ensure that students are getting a decent education. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The goal is to prevent students from having fun and thereby stifle their creativity and ability to think for themselves, which in turn makes them less likely to question the government's propaganda.

Laptop is broken oh no!

Laptop with a broken screen

Laptops are the product and enabler of a conspiracy between the government, big business and schools. The government benefits because it is easier to brainwash the population into believing their twisted ideas; laptop manufacturers benefit because they make a profit on selling laptops; schools benefit because it is easier for them to break children's spirits and fill their heads with lies, and they are subsidised by the laptop companies. The common people only suffer. They are left no choice: either get an 'education' in a school with laptops, or flip burgers at McDonalds.

Protests against the use of laptops in schools

Laptopthrow

This photograph was faked in an effort to paint protesters in a bad light

A growing number of students are realising that laptops are instruments of evil. Many school laptops are severely damaged, most notably by poking the camera out with a pencil or breaking the screen. Unfortunately, these efforts have not resulted in any lasting change. However, several anti-laptop student groups have begun to form, and they are planning to stage peaceful[1] protests in front of schools across the country. Many parents are also educating their children at home to keep them away from the destructive influences of laptops; this controversial movement, known as homeschooling, has been steadily gaining traction.

Notes

  1. More or less.
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