Laos

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[[image:laos_pic.png|thumb|290px|This is Laos. Note the "We Pwn Joo!" which is required by international treaty on all maps of Laos.]]
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{{Infobox Country|
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|native_name = ສາທາລະນະລັດ ປະຊາທິປະໄຕ ປະຊາຊົນລາວ
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|conventional_long_name = Sathalanalat Pasathipatai Pasason Lao
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|common_name = Lao People's Democratic Republic
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|national_motto = Peace, Independence, Democracy, Unity and Prosperity|
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|national_anthem = ''Pheng Xat Lao'' |
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|image_flag = [[Image:600px-Flag of Laos.svg.PNG|125px]]|
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|image_coat = [[Image:Laos new.gif|110px]]|
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|image_map = [[Image:LocationLaos.png]]|
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|capital = [[Elephant|Vientiane]]|
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|largest_city = [[Elephant|Vientiane]]|
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|official_languages = [[Elephant|Lao]]|
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|government_type = [[Communism|Communist State]]|
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|leader_titles = <small>[[President]]<br />-[[Prime Minister]]</small>|
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|leader_names = <small><small>[[Elephant|Choummaly Sayasone]]<br />[[Elephant|Bouasone Bouphavanh]]</small></small>|
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|national_heros = [[Mao|Pol Pot]] |
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|Independence = [[July|19 July]] [[1949]]|
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|currency = [[Bear|Kip]]|
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|religion = [[Buddhism]]|
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}}
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[[Laos]], officially the '''Lao People's [[Communism|Democratic Republic]]''', is a nation in Southeast [[Asia]]. It borders [[Vietnam]] to the East, [[Thailand]] to the West, [[Cambodia]] to the South, and [[China]] to the North. The Communist Party of Laos has successfully led the nation since coming to power in [[1975]], and it has since greatly modernized to become a hub of international commerce in the region, far outpacing its less developed neighbors. The nation is also well known for its flora and fauna, and was once known as '''Lan Xang''', or ''Land of a Million Elephants.'' The elusive nemesis of these Elephants can also be found; the [[Laotian rock rat]].
   
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Laos has the world's fourth largest economy, and holds a permanent seat on the United Nations Security council. It is the 3rd largest importer and exporter of goods. Due to its large and stable population, high military spending and large armed forces, Laos is often considered an [[China|emerging superpower]].
   
Laos is a global superpower located in Southeast Asia. The Laotians have been a dominant force in every major military [[battle]] for the last 2500 years. Using first their tactical advantage with [[Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans]] (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephants) and later their superiority in [[Land Frigate]] technology, they have been the deciding factor in every world conflict in all of modern recorded history.
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== History ==
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[[Laos]] has had a long history of dominating the region both militarily and culturally, leaving behind a revolutionary system of laws that were later adopted by other nations. Throughout the time of the [[Roman Empire]], '''Lan Xang''' was at an arguably more advanced level of development, though its shear distance from the Roman's prevented any confrontation. Instead, a [[Silk Road]] was formed that connected the two empires economically, bringing stories of Laotian grandeur to [[Europe]]ans, eager to get their hands on its [[Opium|rich spices]]. The explorer [[Christopher Columbus]] set out to find a faster route to Laos in [[1492]], but failed to take into consideration both the existence of [[North America]], and that Laos is landlocked.
   
= Ancient History =
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The decisive use of Elephants as both household pets and armed transports won '''Lan Xang''' battles against its neighbors, a policy employed on an annual basis by the King when he sought to spend time at the beach. The only flaw to this plan was the [[Laotian rock rat]], a dangerous species of rat that, when spotted, would cause the entire Laotian army to trample millions of its own people to death. As such, the rat was hunted to near extinction and harvested for its valuable fur.
== Pre History ==
 
The Laotians have always been known as an unruly bunch. Often affectionately referred to as "The [[Irish]] of [[Asia]]" (although not where they can hear). Their propensity for fighting was legendary long before [[China]]'s great dynasties. Legend goes that one day in the travelers market a visitor from Hunan bet a Laotian 20 keks that he couldn't kick the shit outta another visitor from Nanzhao (a business rival in the burgeoning [[Hintai]] Lithograph trade). The Laotian soundly defeated the Nanzhao, took his money, got his 20 keks, then kicked the shit outta the Hunan, and took his [[money]] as well. That night at the local pub he uttered the famous quote that would change Laos forever: "We've been kicking the shit out of people for free when there are crazy [[foreigner]]s willing to pay us to kick the shit outta [[them]]!"
 
   
== The Exodus ==
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== Geography ==
Within months, there were millions of Laotians in neighboring countries offering their services as [[professional]] ass kickers. Nearby countries soon learned that not hiring them would leave millions of jobless Laotians in their streets all ready to deliver some serious whoop ass. One can imagine the inevitable results. This led to some of Laos' most [[humorous]] [[slogan shirts|slogan apparel shirts]], like:
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Laos is notable for its unique climate to the region; dense jungles on mountains. The climate is dominated by the [[Tsunami|Monsoon]], and has two distinct seasons, the January-June rainy season, followed by the June-January rainy season.
 
* "I kicked the shit outta Hunan, and all I got was this lousy shirt"
 
* "I kicked the shit outta [[Myanmar]], and all I got was a British National
 
* "I kicked the shit outta [[Vietnam]], and all I got was some black pajamas"
 
* "I kicked the shit outta [[Cambodia]], and all I got was some torture postcards"
 
* "I kicked the shit outta [[Thailand]], and all I got was the crabs"
 
 
== The Laotian Uber Men ==
 
Adjacent nations soon learned the best way of dealing with the problem was to hire one half of the visiting Laotians to the kick the shit outta the other half (something they had been doing for free for 10,000 years). At first this worked well with few [[survivor]]s, and thus little money to pay. This plan worked for thousands of years, however it eventually created a race of Laotian ass kicking [[super men]].
 
 
== The Mongols ==
 
Things continued this way for some time until the [[Mongols]] showed up from the far north. In many respects the [[Mongols]] were much like the Laotians especially in their mutual [[love]] of ass kicking. The one notable difference however was that the [[Mongols]] had to travel thousands of miles to Heilongjiang, or Gansu for a decent fight, which led them to first kick the shit outta [[horse]]s and then ride them into China for some serious rest and relaxation (raping and pillaging). The Mongols saw a kindred spirit in the Laotians and enjoyed their company so much that in the off season, when they weren't kicking the shit outta [[China]], [[East Asia]], the [[Middle East]], [[Africa]], [[Western Europe]], and [[Wales]], they retired to Laos for '[[fun time]]'.
 
 
== The Pussy Mongols Leave ==
 
The Laotians gained a lot from this interplay, the foremost of which was the love of technology and new techniques of ass kicking. Also the Laotians learned that while kicking ass was fun, drunkenness, rapine, and pillaging had their merits as well. Together they formed [[SEAMAKS]] (the South East Asian Mutual Ass Kicking Society). It was around this time that the Laotians, inspired by the ass kicking qualities of a man on horseback (often wielding a former opponents [[genitals]] as a club), invented the [[Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titan]] (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephant). Although not as fast or mobile as a horse, it was generally agreed to be the most ass kickingest machine ever invented to date. This caused a schism in the vacationing [[Mongol]] community. Some were quoted as saying, "No fair you cheated!", while others were said to have uttered, "That's the shiznet baby!". So the horse Mongols left and returned to [[Mongolia]], where they later learned the joys of vitamin A deficiency. The [[not british|non-pussy]] [[Mongols]] stayed and intermarried thus adding even more ass kicking goodness into the already potent Laotian stock.
 
 
== Getting Serious About Ass Kicking ==
 
Since the formation of SEAMAKS the Laotians had been leaving their neighbors alone for a while. This abruptly ended with the departure of the '[[phallequines]]' (horse fuckers) and under the leadership of King Pho "The Raging Mongol" Khun Ramkhamhaeng (aka Orange Chicken) they set about forming 'housewarming' parties for all adjacent lands. Wrote one Lao, "If kicking the shit outta your neighbor is fun, then kicking the shit outta your neighbor, taking his money, his women, and his land is more fun."
 
 
== Laotian Imperialism ==
 
Eventually (because She Elephants with PMS walk so damn slow) the Laotian Empire stretched from [[Glastonbury]] to [[Yakutsk]], and from [[Finland]] to [[Swaziland]]. The Laotians soon learned however that they were not well suited for empire building. For while kicking the shit outta people was fun as hell, roughing them up now and then for [[taxes]] was totally weak and boring. So under the leadership of Fa "Move or I'll Smash Your Face With My She Elephant" Ngum (aka Broccoli Beef), Laos made a collective decision to abandon empire building in favor of random acts of violence and mercenary work. One notable artifact of this period in history was a growing love of all things [[nautical]] by the Laotians, (while being utterly inept at sailing, and living in a land locked country). Wrote Broccoli Beef, "We can conquer all men everywhere, but Laos will never be complete until we have kicked the shit outta the ocean."
 
 
= Modern History =
 
== Laotian Mercenaries ==
 
Thus did the Laos people finally come to terms with their true path to happiness; [[mercenary]] work. While invading a [[neighbor]] was good for laughs and chuckles (or like Vietnam and Cambodia, good for a day at the beach), the only effective way of ensuring near 100% ass kicking uptime was to become mercenaries for hire. Kung Pao Chicken summed it up best when we stated, "Someone is always fighting somewhere and they aren't letting us join or paying us shit." Thus was formed the Laotian Association of Mercenaries, Brawlers, Counter-Insurgents, Hit-Men, Ombudsman, and Phellatists. ([[LAMBCHOP]]). [[LAMBCHOP]] has been the deciding force in EVERY battle for over 2500 years now.
 
 
== Laotian Land Navy ==
 
The Laotians under [[LAMBCHOP]] continued to rent their services out to the side with the most gold, beer, and whores, but they never lost their peculiar love of the ocean acquired from their former Empire days. Such organizations as the [[Vientiane Royal Yacht Club]], the [[Luang Phrabang Kayak and Rugby Association]], the [[Savannakhet Deep Ocean Swim Team]], and the [[Pakse College of Naval Warfare]] all served to reinforce this [[phallameric]] sentiment. It was around the 1500's that some enterprising Laotians decided to do something about it. They built ships according to specifications from [[Portugal]], and then added giant wheels. Finally some war elephants were added on treadmills below decks and thus was made the first Laotian Land Yacht. For a while it was hit or miss. Such designs as the [[Land Laundry Barge]], or the [[Land Luxury Liner]] were tossed, but eventually was perfected the mighty Laotian [[Land Frigate]]. Other nations scoffed at this unique manifestation of Naval Warfare, often calling the Laotians '[[Boat People]]'. This usually lasted until the Laos showed up with their mighty armada of Land Frigates, full of angry (sober) Laotians, and fully armed with [[elephant shit cannons]].
 
 
It should be noted that the Laotians only rode in Land Frigates to get from place to place, usually considering it too [[British]] (pussy like) to hide inside during battle. This may seem like an unsound tactic, but most opposing forces expected them to hide inside and thus were usually taken unawares when the main Lao host would come up from behind and bugger them in the [[wazoo]].
 
 
== Laotian War Ingenuity ==
 
With the exception of [[Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans]], and [[Land Frigates]] the Laotians were not known for many original inventions. However they are known for taking the inventions of other cultures and improving them. Such Laotian improvements to common inventions include:
 
 
* [[Dynachucks]]
 
* [[Mach 3 triple bladed katana]]
 
* [[Throwing star shotgun]]
 
* Genital magnifying glass (psychological warfare device)
 
* [[Elephant shit cannon]]
 
* [[Starving rabid squirrel musket]]
 
* Lao-Fire (like Greek fire, but lasts longer so you can cook kabobs on it)
 
* [[Khaen]] (Based on caning from Thailand, the Lao-Khaen was thicker and made with aerodynamic holes for better whack force. Unlike a pussy Thai-caning when a Lao Khaened you, you fucking stayed Khaened.)
 
   
 
== Culture ==
 
== Culture ==
Laos can be divided into various subgroups of the original Lao-Mongol uber-kreigers based roughly on where they like to kick the shit outta people the most. These include:
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[[Image:Lao profs.jpg|thumb|209px|A billboard celebrating common Laosy professions: Mercenary, Hit Man, Assassin, and School Girl.]]
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The [[culture]] of Laos is a pride filled one, with most groups gravitating towards [[tradition]]al Laotian jobs in rejection of [[Politician|Westernized]] ones.
* Lao ("Kicking the shit outta you on the plains")
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The people of Laos may or may not be referred to as "Lice" in the plural form.Four caste-like designations have developed, dividing the people of Laos into groups.
* Hmong Yao, Dan, and Shan ("Kicking the shit outta you in the hills")
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* '''Lao''' (''Kicking the shit outta you on the plains'')
* Lao Thung ("Kicking the shit outta you in the foothills")
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* '''Lao Shan''' (''Kicking the shit outta you in the hills'')
* Lao Sung ("Kicking the shit outta you on the mountaintops")
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* '''Lao Thung''' (''Kicking the shit outta you in the foothills'')
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* '''Lao Sung''' (''Kicking the shit outta you on the mountaintops'')
The national dance of Laos is the Mekong Hula.
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It is very difficult for one to move up in the caste system, however people are routinely demoted to lower caste's if they commit crimes or break other societal taboos, such as attempting to move up in the caste system.
 
= Timeline =
 
* Laotians known as the "[[Irish]] of [[South]] [[East]] [[Asia]]".
 
 
* Laotians discover the fun of [[mercenary]] work.
 
 
* Laotians and [[Mongols]] form [[SEAMAKS]] (South East Asian Mutual Ass Kicking Society)
 
 
* Laos invents the [[Gyno Pachyderm Menst-Titans]] (Giant Enraged Menstruating she Elephants)
 
 
* Laos conquers the known world, then gets bored and goes home.
 
 
* [[LAMBCHOP]] (Laotian Association of Mercenaries, Brawlers, Counter-Insurgents, Hit-Men, Ombudsman, and Phellatists) is formed for shits and giggles.
 
 
* 1200bc [[Trojan War]]. [[LAMBCHOP comes]] upon an untenable siege between the [[Trojans]] (inside) and the [[Spartans]] (outside). While the Spartans were dicking around with ghey horse statues, LAMBCHOP makes a ramp of Elephant shit up the walls (back way) and sacks the city.
 
 
* 431bc [[Peloponnesian War]]. [[LAMBCHOP]] generally annoyed by the word 'Peloponnesian', kicks the shit outta them, the Greeks, the Athenians and anyone else nearby. The side that got the least ass kicking is declared the 'winner'.
 
 
* 334bc [[Alexander The Great]] decides to 'conquer the known world', so naturally he consults [[LAMBCHOP]]. The Laotians reportedly replied, "Been there. Done that, but worth another go if you buy the beer" and the rest is history.
 
 
* 73bc Having met [[Spartacus]] at a pub, [[LAMBCHOP]] decides it would be fun to kick the shit outta Rome with some former gladiators.
 
 
* 0 LAMBCHOP takes a break to watch the [[Roman]]s crucify some nameless [[Jew]]. One LAMBCHOP member is quoted as saying, "If you'd had a fucking elephant you wouldn't be up there now, would ya?!"
 
 
* 66 The First [[Jewish]]-[[Roman]] War. [[Romans]] outbid [[Jews]] for [[LAMBCHOP]] support. Jews defeated.
 
 
* 115 Second [[Jewish]]-[[Roman]] War. [[Romans]] outbid [[Jews]] again and throw in a free elephant washing too.
 
 
* 132 Third [[Jewish]]-[[Roman]] War. [[Romans]] bid nothing, the [[Jews]] try to bargain the [[LAMBCHOP]] merc fee down further, you can guess how that turned out.
 
 
* 533 For a fee LAMBCHOP gives hands on instructions to the [[The Vandals|Vandals]] tribe in the fine art of breaking and defacing things. The Vandals use this new found skill to good effect from [[Germany]] to [[North Africa]].
 
 
* 1096-1291 [[The Crusades]]. After learning that the Saracens forbid all alcohol [[LAMBCHOP]] joins the [[Christians]] in the various crusades at a reduced fee on general principles. At the same time [[LAMBCHOP]] was also helping to drive the [[Moors]] from the [[Iberian Peninsula]] for the same reduced fee. It should be noted that every battle the [[Christians]] lost was because [[LAMBCHOP]] was currently fighting on the other front.
 
 
* 1223 [[LAMBCHOP]] joins their kin and buddies for the [[Mongol invasion of Russia]], in Laos this is often referred to as, [[Scotchtoberfest]].
 
 
* 1337-1453 [[100_Years_war|Hundred Years War]]. Made infamous in the Lao song, "We're gonna party like it's 1399!" LAMBCHOP supported both sides at various times depending on which unsacked cities had the best supply of beer and whores.
 
 
* 1500 Laos invents the dreaded [[Land Frigate]].
 
 
* 1520-1700 Having heard there was good [[cervesa]] and fresh [[virgin]]s in the new world [[LAMBCHOP]] helps the [[Spanish]] conquer most of [[Mexico]]. Laotians learn the joys of [[carne asada]] and the [[Tijuana donkey show]].
 
 
* 1596 [[LAMBCHOP]] joins the Cudgel War in [[Finland]] just because fighting with cudgels sounded fun (and it was fun for a while). After 2 week the Laos get bored and leave. The [[peasants]] eventually lose.
 
 
* 1640 [[LAMBCHOP]] first enters [[North America ]]to fight in the [[Beaver Wars]]. After learning they had read the memo wrong they decide to stick around and kick the shit outta the Algonquin for the Iroquois.
 
 
* 1775 America convinces [[LAMBCHOP]] that the [[British]] are tasty and fun to eat. This turns out to be true, but so are [[Americans]], [[Canadians]] and [[Mexicans]]. Still [[LAMBCHOP]] fills up on [[British|Brits]] first and thus American casualties are light.
 
 
* 1803 [[Napoleon]] invites LAMBCHOP to a 12 year party in Europe. LAMBCHOP accepts.
 
 
* 1810 [[LAMBCHOP]] comes back to [[Mexico]] for more [[cervesa]], [[carne asada]], and [[chicas]]. They stick around to kick the shit outta the [[Spanish]] for the [[Mexicans]]. [[Mexico]] invents [[Horchata]] rice drink for their new Laotian buddies.
 
 
* 1860 [[LAMBCHOP]] comes back to [[Mexico]] for even more [[cervesa]], [[carne asada]], and [[chicas]]. They stick around to kick the shit outta the invading [[French]]. Thus was made the Holiday '[[Cinco de Lao]]' (later changed to [[Cinco de Mayo]] due to pronunciation problems)
 
 
* 1914 [[World War I]]. Originally employed by the Kaiser, [[LAMBCHOP]] helps [[Germany]] kick the shit outta [[France]]. Unfortunately the Kaiser got drunk one night and made a disparaging remark about a Laotian's wife, causing them to switch sides to the [[English]]. While marching on [[Germany]] they made sure to kick the shit outta [[France]] one more time just for fun.
 
   
* 1939 [[World War II]]. In an almost comical déjà vu, [[Hitler]] follows in the Kaisers footsteps, except this time making fun of the Laotian Land Frigates. You know the rest.
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== Armed Forces ==
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[[Image:Elephantitis.jpg|thumb|left|Laosy soldiers during the [[Vietnam War]]]]
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The '''Armed Forces of Laos''' have used [[Elephant|revolutionary]] tactics in [[war]]fare, making Laosy intervention decisive in the wars in which they fought. Elephants are strapped with special boxes, complete with colorful shades, meant for carrying both people and weaponry. The use of these transports gives a major advantage over [[tank]]s, whose metal shells hold far less integrity than a proud and loyal elephant's thick hide.
   
* 1946 [[Communists]] backed by [[LAMBCHOP]] take over all of mainland [[China]]. When the [[Communist]] try to stiff [[LAMBCHOP]] on the Merc fee, they take the side of [[Taiwan]] for free just to show the [[Commies]] who's da man.
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=== Land Navy ===
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The Laotians continued to rent their services out to the side with the most gold, beer, and whores, but they never lost their peculiar love of the ocean acquired from their former Empire days. Such organizations as the [[Elephant|Vientiane Royal Yacht Club]], the [[Elephant|Luang Phrabang Kayak and Rugby Association]], the [[Elephant|Savannakhet Deep Ocean Swim Team]], and the [[Elephant|Pakse College of Naval Warfare]] all served to reinforce the sentiment. It was around the [[1500]]'s that some enterprising Laotians decided to do something about it. They built ships according to specifications from [[Portugal]], and then added giant wheels. Finally some war elephants were added on treadmills below decks and thus was made the first [[Elephant|Laosy Land Yacht]]. For a while it was hit or miss. Such designs as the [[Elephant|Land Laundry Barge]], or the [[Elephant|Land Luxury Liner]] were tossed, but eventually was perfected the mighty Laosy Land Frigate. Other nations scoffed at this unique manifestation of Naval Warfare, often calling the Laotians 'Boat People'. This usually lasted until the Laos showed up with their mighty armada of Land Frigates, full of angry (sober) Laotians, and fully armed with elephant shit cannons.
   
* 1956 Suez War. Having learned their lesson with the Romans 1900 years earlier, the [[Jews]] pay full price for [[LAMBCHOP]] support in wining the Suez War against overwhelming odds. One deciding factor for [[LAMBCHOP]]'s aid of Israel was the generous [[beer]] bonus, which the [[Arabs]] failed to match (cuz they don’t drink).
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It should be noted that the Laotians only rode in Land Frigates to get from place to place, usually considering it too [[British]] (pussy like) to hide inside during battle. This may seem like an unsound tactic, but most opposing forces expected them to hide inside and thus were usually taken unawares when the main Lao host would come up from behind and bugger them in the wazoo.
   
* 1962 [[Vietnam War]]. Originally started as the Laotian version of the '[[Cub Scouts]]' the Viet Cong turn out to be so successful that even Lao teenagers join up to get in on the fun.
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== Economy ==
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[[Image:Cyl-16-Lnt-5-kayak3.jpg|thumb|Bustling Vientiane during a New Years celebration.]]
   
* 1967 Six Day War. Thinking the Laotians were preoccupied with [[Vietnam]] the [[Arabs]] attempt to destroy [[Israel]] again. [[Israel]] offers lifetime free [[beer]], and [[LAMBCHOP]] takes a week off of [[Vietnam]] to bail [[Israel]] out once again.
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The Laosy economy is particularly diverse for the region, and Laos is the biggest exporter of [[Elephant|Elephant tusks]], [[brainwashing|re-education]], the sale of [[Opium|highly addictive drugs]] to backpackers and [[Laotian rock rat|rat-fur]] coats. A common sight on many products is the "'''Made in Laos'''" logo, frequently lampooned by comedians for being extremely prevalent in most markets. Unlike neighboring nations, or even most "[[United States|developed]]" states, child unemployment is very low, and estimated at roughly 5%. The strong child labor law, "[[No Child Left Behind]]," was first implemented in the [[1970]]'s and has greatly aided in employing children in necessary tasks for maintaining national hegemony.
   
* 1977 [[Cambodia]]n-Vietnamese War. The wildly popular Viet 'Lao [[Cub Scouts]]' Cong, led to the formation of the Khmer 'Lao [[Girl Scouts]]' Rouge. Not so much a war as a series of LCS/LGS 'group activities' lasting 14 years.
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The economy has also expanded in recent years to include innovative techniques known as [[agriculture]], where stationary "farms" are created for the purpose of having a steady source of [[food]]. Workers at these installations, known as "[[farmer]]s," often plant [[vegetable]]s, rake the soil, and use a system of transferring water from streams known as [[water|irrigation]], another Laosy invention.
   
* 2004 2nd Iraqi War. [[George W Bush]] contracts [[LAMBCHOP]] for the stunning defeat of [[Iraq]] in the first 2 months of battle. Bush decides to try and save money and in the 3rd month says to LAMBCHOP, "Ok we'll take it from here dudes," thus ensuring that [[America]] never wins.
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== See also ==
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*[[Asian People]] (I can tell a Lousy apart from a Jap-an-ee).
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*[[King of the Hill]] (their Laotian neighbors)
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*[[Fresno, California]] (Hmong-gous community).
   
= Links =
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== External links ==
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*[http://www.visit-mekong.com/laos/ Laos Travel and Tourism]
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*[http://news.google.com/news?sourceid=navclient-ff&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGGL,GGGL:2006-18,GGGL:en&q=laos&sa=N&tab=wn Laos News Agency]
   
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{{Asia}}
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{{World Countries}}
   
[[Category: Countries]]
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[[fr:Laos]]
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[[ko:라오스]]
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[[ja:ラオス]]
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[[lo:ປະເທດລາວ]]
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[[no:Laos]]
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[[pl:Laos]]
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[[pt:Laos]]
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[[th:ประเทศล้าว]]
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[[zh:老挝]]
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[[zh-tw:寮國]]

Latest revision as of 18:28, April 12, 2012

ສາທາລະນະລັດ ປະຊາທິປະໄຕ ປະຊາຊົນລາວ
Sathalanalat Pasathipatai Pasason Lao
Lao People's Democratic Republic
600px-Flag of Laos.svg Laos new
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Peace, Independence, Democracy, Unity and Prosperity
Anthem: Pheng Xat Lao
LocationLaos
Capital Vientiane
Largest city Vientiane
Official language(s) Lao
Government Communist State
President
-Prime Minister
Choummaly Sayasone
Bouasone Bouphavanh
National Hero(es) Pol Pot
Declaration
 of Independence
19 July 1949
Currency Kip
Religion Buddhism

Laos, officially the Lao People's Democratic Republic, is a nation in Southeast Asia. It borders Vietnam to the East, Thailand to the West, Cambodia to the South, and China to the North. The Communist Party of Laos has successfully led the nation since coming to power in 1975, and it has since greatly modernized to become a hub of international commerce in the region, far outpacing its less developed neighbors. The nation is also well known for its flora and fauna, and was once known as Lan Xang, or Land of a Million Elephants. The elusive nemesis of these Elephants can also be found; the Laotian rock rat.

Laos has the world's fourth largest economy, and holds a permanent seat on the United Nations Security council. It is the 3rd largest importer and exporter of goods. Due to its large and stable population, high military spending and large armed forces, Laos is often considered an emerging superpower.

edit History

Laos has had a long history of dominating the region both militarily and culturally, leaving behind a revolutionary system of laws that were later adopted by other nations. Throughout the time of the Roman Empire, Lan Xang was at an arguably more advanced level of development, though its shear distance from the Roman's prevented any confrontation. Instead, a Silk Road was formed that connected the two empires economically, bringing stories of Laotian grandeur to Europeans, eager to get their hands on its rich spices. The explorer Christopher Columbus set out to find a faster route to Laos in 1492, but failed to take into consideration both the existence of North America, and that Laos is landlocked.

The decisive use of Elephants as both household pets and armed transports won Lan Xang battles against its neighbors, a policy employed on an annual basis by the King when he sought to spend time at the beach. The only flaw to this plan was the Laotian rock rat, a dangerous species of rat that, when spotted, would cause the entire Laotian army to trample millions of its own people to death. As such, the rat was hunted to near extinction and harvested for its valuable fur.

edit Geography

Laos is notable for its unique climate to the region; dense jungles on mountains. The climate is dominated by the Monsoon, and has two distinct seasons, the January-June rainy season, followed by the June-January rainy season.

edit Culture

Lao profs

A billboard celebrating common Laosy professions: Mercenary, Hit Man, Assassin, and School Girl.

The culture of Laos is a pride filled one, with most groups gravitating towards traditional Laotian jobs in rejection of Westernized ones. The people of Laos may or may not be referred to as "Lice" in the plural form.Four caste-like designations have developed, dividing the people of Laos into groups.

  • Lao (Kicking the shit outta you on the plains)
  • Lao Shan (Kicking the shit outta you in the hills)
  • Lao Thung (Kicking the shit outta you in the foothills)
  • Lao Sung (Kicking the shit outta you on the mountaintops)

It is very difficult for one to move up in the caste system, however people are routinely demoted to lower caste's if they commit crimes or break other societal taboos, such as attempting to move up in the caste system.

edit Armed Forces

Elephantitis

Laosy soldiers during the Vietnam War

The Armed Forces of Laos have used revolutionary tactics in warfare, making Laosy intervention decisive in the wars in which they fought. Elephants are strapped with special boxes, complete with colorful shades, meant for carrying both people and weaponry. The use of these transports gives a major advantage over tanks, whose metal shells hold far less integrity than a proud and loyal elephant's thick hide.

edit Land Navy

The Laotians continued to rent their services out to the side with the most gold, beer, and whores, but they never lost their peculiar love of the ocean acquired from their former Empire days. Such organizations as the Vientiane Royal Yacht Club, the Luang Phrabang Kayak and Rugby Association, the Savannakhet Deep Ocean Swim Team, and the Pakse College of Naval Warfare all served to reinforce the sentiment. It was around the 1500's that some enterprising Laotians decided to do something about it. They built ships according to specifications from Portugal, and then added giant wheels. Finally some war elephants were added on treadmills below decks and thus was made the first Laosy Land Yacht. For a while it was hit or miss. Such designs as the Land Laundry Barge, or the Land Luxury Liner were tossed, but eventually was perfected the mighty Laosy Land Frigate. Other nations scoffed at this unique manifestation of Naval Warfare, often calling the Laotians 'Boat People'. This usually lasted until the Laos showed up with their mighty armada of Land Frigates, full of angry (sober) Laotians, and fully armed with elephant shit cannons.

It should be noted that the Laotians only rode in Land Frigates to get from place to place, usually considering it too British (pussy like) to hide inside during battle. This may seem like an unsound tactic, but most opposing forces expected them to hide inside and thus were usually taken unawares when the main Lao host would come up from behind and bugger them in the wazoo.

edit Economy

Cyl-16-Lnt-5-kayak3

Bustling Vientiane during a New Years celebration.

The Laosy economy is particularly diverse for the region, and Laos is the biggest exporter of Elephant tusks, re-education, the sale of highly addictive drugs to backpackers and rat-fur coats. A common sight on many products is the "Made in Laos" logo, frequently lampooned by comedians for being extremely prevalent in most markets. Unlike neighboring nations, or even most "developed" states, child unemployment is very low, and estimated at roughly 5%. The strong child labor law, "No Child Left Behind," was first implemented in the 1970's and has greatly aided in employing children in necessary tasks for maintaining national hegemony.

The economy has also expanded in recent years to include innovative techniques known as agriculture, where stationary "farms" are created for the purpose of having a steady source of food. Workers at these installations, known as "farmers," often plant vegetables, rake the soil, and use a system of transferring water from streams known as irrigation, another Laosy invention.

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