Lance Colton

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“Lance is a funny looking guy. I'd hit that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lance Colton


Lance Colton is a hobbit of a man. He spends his pitiful life working at Convergys, where he has worked for last seven years. He also collects mice to keep Gilgoroth distracted.

edit Early childhood

Lance was born to some crazy ass people who quickly abandoned him on the side of a dirt road. He was raised by guinea pigs. He takes after them in the fact that smells really bad. Efforts to improve his hygiene have unequicably failed as Lance is prone to relapse into a vicious cycle of 10hr shifts followed by allnighters on XBox Live.

edit Inspirations

He has inspirations of being a Taiwanese Monkey Trainer. However his dream was cut short due to his small stature - the monkeys mistook him for a young female and attempted to mate with him repeatably. Unusually Lance required no therapy to recover from this monkey loving.

edit Your Mom

The only women that has ever even pretended to love Lance is Your Mom. Lance can often be found at her place, looking for late night romps and cookies.

edit Gilbert

Gilbert is a guy who is always really mean to Lance, yet for some reason Lance always sits near him. Lance often says he will kill Gilbert. As of late Lance has made Gilbert into his weapon of choice, using him to decapitate unsuspecting mice.

edit Influence

edit On the World

Lance Colton first began his adventures on the interwebz when he was a small boy, a little too curious about the inner workings of woman. The internets didn't seem to offer any help to him either and he was forced to start World War II by creating Hitler, over the internet of course.

edit The Weapon

The Lance is a medieval era spear that was previously known as a French-ticklerstick. It was renamed in Lance's honour after his triumph over the Britsh forces in New England. Lance held off several hundred British militia by himself using nothing but his body odor and a large stick sharpened with his monkey fangs. Much of the British militia, after smelling lance, chose to impale themselves on spears rather than retreating to a life haunted by nightmares of the putrid odour that is Lance.

edit Democracy

17-something-or-another when the pilgrims in the black hats and pointed shoes tried to fight the Britons, they were horribly defeated, however thanks to Lance's awful smell the British abandoned America. Unconfirmed rumors say that this may also have had something to do with Peter Jackson, that fat asshole.

Though largely ignored, Lance is in fact on of the founding fathers of the United States of America, though he wanted to name the country, along with Thomas Jefferson, the United Stupids of My Ass.

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