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Hi, I'm camp director Jeff, and I'd just like to welcome all of you campers to Lake Spooky! We know there are a seemingly endless supply of isolated lakes you could have gone to, and we're glad you guys chose ours for fun-fun-fun!. In fact, if you didn't know, there are about a hundred isolated woodland lakes in upstate New York, maybe more. Some of these lakes have camps built around them; some of these camps even have lakes built around them. All of them... are haunted.
Yep, it's difficult to deal with, but this camp is haunted. Some little camper from our "special cabin" drowned a while back while this amazing chick was giving me head. I didn't really hear him, but you guys should've seen this chick, man, I'm telling you. Totally smokin'. Anyways, now the little tyke is a little upset with me, for some reason. As if he wouldn't have done the exact same thing in that situation! Oh, those kids.
Anyways, every once in a while, the kid comes by and kills one or two or all of our counselors. Usually he stays away from campers, but remember: smart campers are always prepared. That means getting a will started, or maybe writing to your parents. Don't worry about sounding crazy; we never actually send the letters home. Instead, we hang on to them, forge replies from your parents, and give those to you. Your parents, on the other hand, get letters about how much you love camp. That way, everyone is happy! Happy-happy-happy! That's just how we do things at Lake Spooky: fun-fun-fun, all the time, with no silly fun-killing lawsuits from a few sadsacks to ruin it for everyone else.
BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Woa, slow down there camper! I know you wanna run off and go start having fun-fun-fun, but first there are a few ground rules I have to lay down. First of all, I don't think I need to tell you to stay away from Cabin 13, especially at night.
See, way before this was a camp, some vikings sailed up a river into this lake. They built a camp on an Indian Burial ground, where their descendants lived for several generations until they were killed by pirates. They soon became zombies, which killed the pirates. This left pirate ghosts and zombies. Unfortunately, neither the pirate ghosts nor the viking zombies were properly educated about the dangers of STIs, and there was soon an infestation of ghost crabs. More vicious than ordinary crabs, these ghost crabs shortly killed off all the ghost pirates and viking zombies, leaving only ghost ghosts, which built a boathouse.
When this camp's founders first came to Lake Spooky and saw the eerily glowing, green building, they decided to push it into Lake Spooky. The ghost ghosts, angered by this, decided to haunt Cabin 13, mostly so they could perpetuate the cliché. And that's why you gotta stay outta there, 'kay?
Besides that, our only other rule is to have fun! We take this rule extremely seriously; if we catch the faintest whisper that even one of our campers isn't having fun-fun-fun, we make it our job to find out who and why, and take action to remedy the situation immediately. You see, the ghost crabs are appeased by fun-fun-fun, as is the undead retarded kid. Why, there was this one camper once, who just wouldn't have fun-fun-fun, so we actually had to send a letter home to his parents.
We had tried everything to get him to have fun-fun-fun: we took him swimming in the lake full of ghost crabs, let him collect ghost crabs by the lake, and even let him feed the ghost crabs(with his eyeballs)! What a sadsack! I know that you guys will have fun, right? I can tell that none of you are sadsacks that hate fun-fun-fun, right? Right?
Wow, look at the time! It really is getting late, the sun is even going down! Well, better get down to your cabins before those ghost crabs get any closer and try to...woah no.....hey, don't eat that, I'll need it for that chick! Please, no, I-- AAAAAUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHUUUUuuuuhhhhh...
...Hi, I'm Dan, Lake Spooky's camp
co-director director! Well, I bet you're all awfully tired, so lets all try to get back to our cabins, get settled in, pray that you don't die tonight, and hit the hay, so you'll have plenty of energy for fun-fun-fun tomorrow! Oh, that reminds me, you're probably wondering what we do for fun-fun-fun at Lake Spooky, huh? There are quite a few activities that we offer as incentive for not trying too hard to escape. Why, there's archery-shootin', soccer-playin', lake-swimmin', lake-boatin', lake-fishin', and lake-drownin', too! But don't take my word for it, just ask Cody, here! He's our oldest camper and a CIT, counselor-in-training. Not the kind of counselor you'd assume, though. Psychological breakdowns are eerily prevalent, around here, what with demonic possession n' all, and we like our campers to know that there's someone there, to talk to. But enough of my jib-jabberin', here's Cody Underdead!
GRAAAANNNNHHHHHHHH! GGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Salutations! My name is Cody Underdead. An additional welcome to Lake Spooky! As you may have perceived, I am a zombie, but I have been brain-free, for twenty months now, thanks to the self-help group Zombies Anonymous. Predominantly, I'd just like to reiterate that you will have a fantastic time here at Lake Spooky. I'm sure we mentioned the trifecta of fun, correct? I'll also cordially resolve any queries you may still have. So, please, inquire away.
Ha ha ha, no, I promise, I won't consume anyone's cerebrum, not even yours, you delicious-looking little morsel. Any other inquests?
Alright, well, I'll leave you temporal, earthly, foodsacks to yourselves. Sleep deeply with your feeble brains easily visible, my dinnerbags!
Dear mom and dad...
You know, I'm really beginning to have second thoughts about this place. Something about the atmosphere here at Lake Spooky simply does not appeal to my sense of security. Ah well, it'll probably pass when I wake up in the morning feeling positive, refreshed, zombified, and ready for these fun-fun-fun things I keep hearing about from the counselors that haven't died yet...
Goodnight, everyone! Night Jeff, Dan, ghost ghosts, angry retarded kid, and ghost pubic lice!
...Hey Cody, how'd you get in here?