Laird Hamilton

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Laird Hamilton tries yet again to commit ritual suicide by riding another 50 million megaton wave off the coast of Bikini Island. Note: This photo only shows the bottom half of the wave because the top half is hidden by clouds.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Laird Hamilton.
“Sometimes I scream, 'Is THAT the best you can do?' but so far it's just been too chicken to take the bait.”
~ Laird Hamilton - laughing at the Ocean

Greetings surf Nazis. Firstly, NO KOOKS![1] Now, if you were under any delusions that this article is about Laird E. Hamilton the bicycle service engineer from Bleached Bone, North Dakota, then let me put you at ease. This is indeed about the Dared-by-the-Devil himself lunatic surfer from Hawaii Laird Hamilton. Born Laird crazy mofo Hamilton on March 2, 1964 at the Jaws Memorial Hospital in North Shore Bikini Island, he is best described as a complete and total suicidal maniac, HUGE-wave surfer, and is the only human who has actually made the ocean cry due to embarrassment in his fearless presence. [2]

If you harbor any suspicions that the authors of this article are in any way sexually attracted to that magnificent stallion, Laird Hamilton, the Dared-by-the-Devil big-wave surfer, then may I again put you at ease. Although the authors acknowledge that they did include a somewhat dubious and gratuitous picture of Laird's naked (and rather smooth) chest they would like to point out that this was purely to illustrate the extra-ordinary and musky greatness of the man, and in no way indicates any particular leanings in that direction which the authors may have.[3]

Anyway, moving on... Such is the fear and respect which the ocean has developed for Laird that it is possible for him (unlike wizards who can call down storms) to summon UP waves composed of mega-tons of terrifying fury that reach proudly into thin air, allowing him to contemptuously and elegantly ride them to a satisfactory conclusion. The proven fact that Laird never crashes makes betting against him foolhardy. Laird versus the Ocean is a "no-contest".[4]

Contents

[edit] No limits

As a TOP secret US government project Hamilton was actually produced to test the limits of the "perfect surfing machine". Tests using Hamilton have so far demonstrated that there is simply NO limit with him, and that the only limits lie with the ocean, which can hardly satisfy the adrenalin junkie Hamilton has become.[5] In addition Hamilton is noted as the only surfer who has NEVER had a single wipe-out, which is convenient as he was in such a hurry to go surfing that he never actually bothered learning how to swim.[6]

[edit] Personal life

Laird Hamilton keeps trim by doing Push Downs, that is, pushing the world down.

In his teens and early adult life, Hamilton was known for a violent temper, destructive friendships, and frequent public outbursts, including public nudity, urination, and mailing pubic hair to enemies, friends and relatively distant acquaintances. From early childhood he was an incredible dare-devil, perhaps most famously recorded when he once jumped off the edge of the world just for the hell of it causing the world to move 200 feet to the left and catch him simply because it loved him so much.

Entering fatherhood and approaching death appears to have mellowed Hamilton's personality somewhat to the extent that nowadays if Laird has a bad mood he just goes and beats the hell out of the ocean at Banzai Pipeline. Unfortunately this has been proven to actually have a significant effect on global warming such that the IPCC now agree that the best way to cool down the planet is to keep Hamilton in a good mood.

[edit] Kind Enough NOT To Compete

Like Alfred E. Neuman is the founder and editor for life of Mad Magazine, so it is for Laird Hamilton and Surfer Magazine. Even though Surfer Magazine ranks Hamilton as the greatest surfer in the Galaxy he has never actually entered any surfing contest for fear of winning. The truth is that no surfing contest ever had the courage to enter Laird Hamilton.

Fortunately Laird chooses not to compete in competitions, he just poses while the ocean, unleashing its most HUGE and unbridled fury, moves under him.

[edit] Baddest and Biggest (Wave Ridden)

Teahupo'o takes a huge risk by riding Laird Hamilton on a day like this.
“Surfing Teahupo’o doesn't separate the men from the boys, but, it does separate the living from the dead!”
~ Laird Hamilton on the extreme risk of surfing in Tahiti

“Oh My GOD” was the title of a famous Surfer Magazine cover shot showing Tahiti’s gutsy Teahupo’o (a horrifying killer-wave with sharp teeth) risking its life by surfing Laird Hamilton.

Hamilton holds the title for biggest wave rider when he conquered Cortez 100 miles off Dana Point. The wave was so big it cast a shadow over the entire planet. Many physicists thought it to be an unprecedented Solar eclipse until Surfer Magazine informed them "No!! It's just, Laird."[7]

Hamilton took off on his 23rd birthday, started dropping-in, and had already turned 26 by the time he reached the bottom. This amazing ride lasted 3.2 years making it the longest ride in history; and was the same wave that took out Poseidon. He survived that long by eating raw Jello Fish, and turning salt water into fresh water by grinding it with his hands.[8]

Note: Since that time Laird has never again eaten another goddamn Jello-fish. He's not too fond of "Hand-made" water either.

[edit] Religious Views

While other surfers pray for surf, Hamilton spends time praying for a force 16 earthquake off Hawaii that will generate a 1,000 meter high tsunami. In absence of earthquakes Laird alternately prays for asteroid strikes, and has even been seen trying to provoke international conflict in various waters in the hope that someone might set off a nuclear weapon deep under the ocean. In fact, Laird has a special asbestos surfboard ready for the occasion.

Basically Laird's religion is HUGE Surfism. Apart from this, Laird is in a jam, having heard that in heaven the ocean is flat and tranquil, but in hell the water is warm with 1,000 meter waves. Decisions, decisions...!

[edit] Water-breaking Legal Case

Hamilton goofs off at Cortez during a lull in between sets.

In a ground ocean breaking legal case Laird once accidentally wiped-out, and successfully sued the Pacific Ocean under international maritime law. The wipe-out was retracted and expunged from his otherwise perfect record. Ken Starr, representing Hamilton, contended that, "A kook on a jet-ski caused the 'bowl' to collapse, thus unduly ruining a perfect ride."

Verdict: It was ruled that kooks be outlawed. Because the wipe-out was deleted from his record, Laird's surfing insurance was unaffected.

[edit] Dave Kalama

Laird's side kick and best buddy, weasel like Hawaiian "Dave Kalama" is rumored by scum-bucket-rag TMX to be perhaps a little bit more than just a "Pal" to Laird. Regardless if this is true or not it simply doesn't bother the authors of this article, who obviously feel no jealousy whatsoever. None in the slightest, and anyway, we're sure that if Laird was in anyway that way inclined he could certainly do a lot better than "Dave Kalama". Just don't be surprised if Laird's wife receives an extra copy of TMX and files a multi-million dollar defamation lawsuit against TMX Publications for the suggested slight however.[9]

[edit] Laird Hamilton Facts

  • When Laird Hamilton was 7 years old he went over Niagara Falls on a skim-board - and "made it".
  • Laird Hamilton can kick-out and drop-in at the same time.
  • If Laird Hamilton says the “North Shore” is the “South Shore” - then it's safe to paddle out.
  • Laird doesn't ride waves 50 times better than you, but he DOES ride waves 50 times BIGGER than you.
  • If Laird Hamilton ever rescues you from the jaws-of-death, you can thank your lucky “Laird Hamilton”.
  • Hamilton made a pact with God: If He'll pick up the waves then Laird will ride them.
  • Laird once punched the ocean so hard that all the fish became unconscious.

[edit] BLOW YOUR MIND


BLOW YOUR MIND! Watch the Pacific Ocean Ride Laird Hamilton

[edit] Also see

[edit] References

  1. ↑ According to Jerry Lopez, a "kook" is anyone who doesn't know what a "kook" is.
  2. ↑ Sex Wax ad campaign blurb, April 2006
  3. ↑ "Laird Pushes World Down" - Strongman Magazine, March 2013
  4. ↑ "ODDS Magazine", When there are NO odds, don't bet!, Jan 1999
  5. ↑ Adrenalin Times, March 2006 issue, "Can our adrenalin become totally dry with over use?"
  6. ↑ Surfer Magazine Vol 13, 2005, Laird Hamilton: Did you know?
  7. ↑ STAR BORES Journal, "Astral Physics Baffled by Laird Hamilton Ride - cosmos plunged into darkness!", Vol iii, June 2008
  8. ↑ Future Science Yesterday, "lunatic surfer eclipses the Sun and Moon on huge killer wave" - Dec 2007
  9. ↑ "TMX Persecuted by Poof's Wife", TMX, April 2008

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