Lager

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Bierflagge
The United States of Lager
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Lager.

“My mother’s breasts gave out the most delicious lager, I supped upon it until the tender age of 15.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lager

“Of course, Lager, the only thing that can kill a Vindaloo!”
~ Dave Lister on Lager
“That's me. I'm off it for good this time!”
~ George Best on Lager

“Lager can easily be mistaken for urine... I didn't do it

~ Bill Gates on drugs

Lager is one of the four main food groups; the other three being ale, pilsner and stout. The word comes from the German word for camp, as Allied POWs frequently distilled it from the urine of guards.

edit Lager’s position within the Beeriodic Table

ABV  → 1% 2% 3% 4% 5% 6% 7% 8% 9% 10% 11% 12% 13% 14% 15% 16% 17% 0%
↓  CP/P
£0.50 1
H

2
He
£1.00 3
Li
4
Be

5
B
6
C
7
N
8
O
9
F
10
Ne
£2.00 11
Na
12
Mg

13
Al
14
Si
15
P
16
S
17
Cl
18
Ar
£3.00 19
K
20
Ca
21
Sc
22
Ti
23
V
24
Cr
25
Mn
26
Fe
27
Co
28 |
Ni
29
Cu
30
Zn
31
Ga
32
Ge
33
As
34
Se
35
Br
36
Kr
£4.00 37
Rb
38
Sr
39
Y
40
Zr
41
Nb
42
Mo
43
Tc
44
Ru
45
Rh
46
Pd
47
Ag
48
Cd
49
In
50
Sn
51
Sb
52
Te
53
I
54
Xe
£5.00 55
Cs
56
Ba
* 72
Hf
73
Ta
74
W
75
Re
76
Os
77
Ir
78
Pt
79
Au
80
Hg
81
Tl
82
Pb
83
Bi
84
Po
85
At
86
Rn
£6.00 87
Fr
88
Ra
** 104
Rf
105
Db
106
Sg
107
Bh
108
Hs
109
Mt
110
Ds
111
Rg
112
Uub
113
Uut
114
Uuq
115
Uup
116
Uuh
117
Uus
118
Uuo

* Real Ales 57
La
58
Ce
59
Pr
60
Nd
61
Pm
62
Sm
63
Eu
64
Gd
65
Tb
66
Dy
67
Ho
68
Er
69
Tm
70
Yb
71
Lu
** Fake Ales 89
Ac
90
Th
91
Pa
92
U
93
Np
94
Pu
95
Am
96
Cm
97
Bk
98
Cf
99
Es
100
Fm
101
Md
102
No
103
Lr
Beer series of the beeriodic table
Fruit Beers Meat Beer Real Ale Fake Ale Lager
Trappist Stout Spontaneous Vegetable Beer Non-alcoholic

CP/P (Cost Per Pint) and ABC (Alcohol By Volume) are approximate minimum values.


Natural occurrence

  • those with solid borders are found naturally occurring in beer fields.
  • those with dashed borders arise naturally from decay of other drinks, and extremely gaseous by nature.
  • those with dotted borders are synthetic lagers.
  • those without borders have not been discovered yet.

As you can see, Lager makes up a large portion of the Beeriodic Table. In practice this has led to its widespread popularity, which is sustainable due to the large lager fields across the world. Some skeptics have estimated that world lager supplies are dwindling and will run out by 2007.

edit Lager Fields

The-Blue-Morple
An example location of bountiful sources of lager.

A lager field is an area with an abundance of lager wells extracting many varieties of lager from below ground. Because the lager reservoirs typically extend over a large area, possibly several hundred kilometers across, full exploitation entails multiple wells scattered across the area. In addition, there may be exploratory wells probing the edges, pipelines to transport the lager elsewhere, and support facilities.

Because a lager field may be remote from civilization, establishing a field is often an extremely complicated exercise in logistics. For instance, workers have to work there for months or years and require housing. In turn, housing and equipment require electricity and water. Pipelines in cold areas may need to be heated. Excess natural gas needs to be burned off if there is no way to make use of it, requiring a furnace and stacks, and pipes to carry it from well to furnace.

Thus, the typical lager field resembles a small self-contained city in the midst of a landscape dotted with drilling rigs and/or the pump jacks known as "nodding donkeys" because of their bobbing arm.

More than 40,000 lager fields are scattered around the globe, on land and offshore. The largest are that big field outside Luton and that really big field near Kuwait, with more than 60 trillion pints (10 km³) estimated in each. Most lager fields are much smaller. According to the US Department of Lager (Lager Information Administration), as of 2003 the US alone had over 30,000 lager fields.

In the modern age, the location and proven lager reserves of lager fields are a key underlying factor in many geopolitical conflicts.

For methods of extraction see Beer Mining.

edit Lagernomics

Lagernomics relies on rigorous styles of argument. Lagernomic methodology has several interacting parts:

  • Collection of lagernomic data. These data consist of measurable values of price and changes in price, for measurable lagers. For example: the cost to hire a drunken worker for a week, or the cost of a particular lager, and how much is typically urinated down the drain.
  • Formulation of models of lagernomic relationships, for example, the relationship between the general level of prices and the general level of drunkenness. This includes observable forms of lagernomic activity, such as money, consumption, preferences, buying, selling, and prices. Some of the models are simple drinking models, while others postulate specific kinds of lagernomic behaviour, such as snorting or drunkenness maximization.
Cookie Face
This section is complex; this picture is to distract simpler readers and make them feel better about themselves.
  • Production of lagernomic statistics. Taking the data collected, and applying the model being used to produce a representation of lagernomic activity. For example, the "general price level" is a theoretical idea common to macrolagernomic models. The specific inflation rate involves taking measurable prices, and a model of how much people consume, and calculating what the "general price level" is from the data within the model. For example, suppose that driving lager costs 1 Euro a pint: To calculate the price level would require a model of how much driving lager an average person uses, and what fraction of their income is devoted to this —but it also requires having a model of how people consume drinking lager, and what other lagers they might substitute for it.
  • Reasoning within lagernomic models. This process of reasoning sometimes involves advanced mathematics. For instance, an established (though possibly unexamined) tradition among lagernomists is to reason about lagernomic variables in two-dimensional graphs in which curves representing relations between the axis variables are parameterized by various indices.

Formal modeling is motivated by general principles of consistency and completeness.

Formal modeling has been adapted to some extent by all branches of lagernomics. It is not identical to what is often referred to as mathematical lagernomics; this includes, but is not limited to, an attempt to set microlagernomics, in particular general equilibrium, on solid mathematical foundations. Some reject mathematical lagernomics: The Australian School of lagernomics believes that anything beyond simple drinking is often unnecessary and inappropriate for lagernomic analysis. In fact, the entire empirical-deductive framework sketched in this section may be rejected outright by that school. However, the framework sketched here accurately represents the current predominant view of lagernomics.

Your typical lagernomicisist is fairly boring.

edit The Grand Hierarchy of Lagers

For the 1855 Exposition Universelle de Paris, Emperor Napoleon III requested a classification system for Lagers which were to be on display for visitors from around the world. Brokers from the lager industry ranked the lagers according to a lager field’s reputation and trading price, which at that time was directly related to quality. The result was The Grand Hierarchy of Lagers.

The lagers were ranked in importance from first to ninth growths. Within each category, the various lagers are ranked in order of quality and only once since the 1855 classification has there been a change, which has been kept a secret to this day. Determining an up-to-date classification is a favourite parlour game, especially among lagernomicisists.

First Growth
Theoretically The Best Lager In The World
Cabra
Hilda the ancient mascot of all superior lagers.
The highest order of all lagers, it is often questioned whether it actually exists. In practice nobody knows, but many believe it is good to aspire to something, and if the goat is keen, who’s to argue?

Qualities:

  • Mysterious flavours - often mistaken for a blend of lesser lagers.
  • Non-existent - does it exist or doesn't it?
  • So expensive nobody can afford it - that's right, you can only look and hope.

Brands:

  • God Lager

Located:

  • Sweden, Denmark, Germany, UK (Waitrose)
Bra-14a
Exactly like God, only enjoyed in theory by theoretical folk, this lager goes down a storm at any good party.
Golden Lager
Mamatobes
Jane, ready to go golden.
Golden lager is well known for its tangy, robust taste, but the history of this revered type of lager is far less interesting. Often it is called "the party lager" as the patron saint, Jane (see picture left), is considered such a wild girl.

Qualities:

  • Robust flavours - can often vary between oil and pigeon carcass.
  • Gassy - often up to 90% of the lager is just gas.
  • Drinkers - drinkers of this order are often able to hold conversations with words longer than 8 letters.

Brands:

  • Löwenbräu - known for it's distinctly style bottles.
  • Skittlebräu - often served with sweets floating on the surface, makes for a crunchier texture.

Located:

  • Europe - generally this order is found in the large European Lager Fields located under the North Sea. Some small pockets exist off the coast of India, but this is generally considered uneconomic to tap as a resource.
Sanders h
The Colonel himself based his golden chicken on the secret order of the Golden Lager.
Laughing Lager
Cilla
Cilla Black, famous laugher and patron of The Order of Laughing Lager, shows how she can laugh and open lager bottles at the same time.
Invented by Dr Giggles in 1984, laughing lager is a mysterious order, very little is known about it outside its home country of Germany. Many believe the consumption of this lager makes you spontaneously laugh, others believe the concept of this lager just makes you laugh. Scientists are baffled by its existence.

Qualities:

  • Inexplicable laughing - you'll be in fits for days.
  • Reduced Bono to a gibbering wreck in 1982, he still hasn't recovered.
  • Strong, cheese-like taste - just like your favourite Edam or Brie.

Brands:

  • Lachendesbräu - premium German laughing lager.

Located:

Bono
Bono sez "stop at savouring lager kids"
Savouring Lager
Paul von Hindenburg
Barry knows how to savour his lager.
Savouring lagers, are as there name suggests, lagers designed to be savoured - they have complex flavours which develop in the mouth and stomach giving you hours of pleasure for every sip.

Qualities:

  • Longevity - a pint can last up to 4 days if savoured properly.
  • High Alcohol Content - usually up to 95% of the contents is pure alcohol.
  • High Price - you can easily spend the GDP of Spain on a single pint.

Brands:

  • San Miguel Beer - Popular in Iceland.
  • Samuel Adams - microwaved American lager.

Located:

  • USA - several large lager fields are located near Texas.
  • South Africa - the whole country is located right over a massive field of savouring lager.
40982156 portrait afp203
Whole minutes of drinking from this order of lager leaves you looking like a sex god.
Drinking Lager
Painting1
La Cerveza dorada Española Aspira
Drinking lager is often the highest order to which the average drinker will attain.

Qualities:

  • Premium price - makes you think it's good by being a bit more expensive than the others.
  • Bready taste - often has a yeasty/wheat quality to it.
  • Wards off badgers - well known as a badger repellent, handy in the countryside.

Brands:

  • Beck's - mined by hippies from Sweden.
  • Tiger Beer - popular with Japanese prostitutes.

Located:

  • Sweden - found under several communes, lagers from these fields are often mixed with other substances.
  • Egypt - these fields have been mined since ancient times, the pyramids were originally distribution warehouses for Pharaoh’s Own Brand Lager.
Airbags under refrigerated lorry
Drinking lager mixes with a lorry, hilarious side-effects.
Sniffing Lager
Bronson
Charles Bronson, patron saint of the sniff.
Solid state lager, usually presented in a powder form, is best consumed via the nasal passage. Popular amongst the working classes and former imperial colonies.

Qualities:

  • Rat poison - often used as a popular rat poison in large North American cities.
  • Non-gassy - doesn't leave you feeling bloated.

Brands:

  • Harp - popular world over, transports easily in sachets.
  • Carlsberg - considered the standard in sniffing lager.

Located:

  • There are large pockets of sniffing lager distributed all over the globe.
Mchottie2
After you've consumed 4 pints everyone starts looking this.
Urinating Lager
Debbie
Debbie McGee: patron saint of all urinaters everywhere.
Popular with women everywhere, this lager has only one discernible quality; in that it makes you urinate in vast quantities. This order is the cornerstone of The Lager Wheel.

Qualities:

  • Flavourless - this lager isn't about flavour, it's about urination!
  • Cheap - hardly costing anything, this lager is only slightly more expensive than milk.
  • Recycling - this lager encourages rapid recycling of water-to-lager-to-water to keep Earth's resources on the move.

Brands:

  • Stella Artois - popular lager for urination purposes.
  • Dutch gold - adds a golden tinge to the drinkers’ urine.

Located:

  • Belgium - large pockets of the Artois lager fields lie under Belgium.
  • Thailand - preferred for use by "specialist" women, this field is used almost exclusively for the domestic market.
BMGoldenShower
It just keeps on flowing, if you're lucky.
Cooking Lager
Cha cha
Cooking lager, the master of disguise.
The order of Cooking Lager is generally divided into two categories:
  1. Lager that can safely be cooked with.
  2. Lager that can safely be consumed whilst cooking.

Qualities:

  • Strong robust flavour - ideal to drown any subtle flavours from food.
  • High alcohol content - you won't care about the quality of the food for very long.
  • Burger and kebab attraction - this lager has a high correlation with the consumption of burgers and kebabs.

Brands:

  • Carling - ever unpopular English "standard brand".
  • Tennents - ever unpopular Scottish "standard brand".
  • Special Brew - choice of the masses.

Located:

  • Borders Region - large fields of lager exist under the England/Scotland border region. This has been the cause of 18.4 wars between the two nations.
ASCII-Vaca
Beef that is very nearly ready to be cooked.
Driving Lager
Inbred dane
Now available with go faster stripes.
No matter how much of this order of lager you consume, it will not have any detrimental effect to your driving skills. In fact many top-rated racing drivers say it improves their driving skills, and swear by 20-30 pints before a race.

Qualities:

  • Makes you great!
  • Cheap - compared to many other forms of lager, this is dirt cheap.
  • Exciting and daring - makes your heart beat faster with anticipation.

Brands:

  • Fosters - Premium Australian Lager.
  • XXXX - Premium Australian Lager.
  • Budweiser - American superlager.

Located:

  • Australia - most of Australia sits on a large lager field, providing them with the country of their largest exports.
  • USA - large fields exist in the west of the United States.
Indy-shot
Proof that after 28 pints of driving lager it's still perfectly safe to drive.

edit The Lager Cycle

Circle of beer

The lager wheel demonstrates the key phases of lager consumption. There are some alternative steps to the ones listed, but these are dangerously unsupported, and as good citizens we should avoid them.

edit See Also

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