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|Motto: Bersekutu Berkurang Mutu (Unity is Weakness)|
|Anthem: "Negarakuku" (a.k.a. Terang Bulan) by Namewee.|
|Official language(s)||Unintelligible rojak of Malay, English and Chinese|
|Government||Fascist Dictatorship and Nameweeism|
|Official Icons||Upin and Ipin and Friends (it's on five channels everyday!), 1Toilet, KLCC, Tolls, Duit Kopi, Excellent Taxi Service, Dirty Roads, Polluted River and Beach, Vandalism, Snatch Theft, Uneducated Leaders, Shitty Universities and Dirty Toilets.|
|Head of State||Mad-hathir Moha-MAD|
|Establishment||1957 (after a Chinese problem with the Malays) or 1963 (since Sing-gay-pore split off from Malaya).|
|Major Imports|| Kereta Potong, Beruk-tua, |
|Major Exports||Jihadists, Moral Textbooks, Condoms|
tumour penis of Asia , which is located to the north of their cousins who live on an even smaller pimple of an island called Singapore, Malaysia (also known as Bolehland) is a young nation of diverse cultures and races such as F1 Formula-1 and Nascar. The timezone of Malaysia is unique because it follows the system of +1/+2 PMT (Predetermined Meeting Time) which is 1 or 2 hours later than PMT. Most foreigners have difficulty adjusting to this new timezone as they tend to show up 1 or 2 hours earlier than their local counterparts. The nation is moving forward with a vision towards becoming a developed nation by the year 2020, 3030, 4040 or whatever catchy number they think of next.
Malaysia is made up of 13 states namely Selengor, Kedoh, Police, Thengganew, Kelentoh, Berak, Pening, Sembilan, Malacrap and Johor Balu (just north of Singkaypoh). Sabah and Sarawek are essentially Malaysia's eastern colonies in disguise as states. The three federal territories - Kuala Apek, PuteraUmno and don't count as states since they're too small, like Canada.
The latest national motto, coined by incumbent (read: incompetent) Prime Minister Allah" in 1Malaysia Land. 1MadeUpSloganFromSomeone'sAss, 1Work., aka Abang Jib in Malay or Ah Jib Kor in Chinese, is '1Malaysia', which is actually stolen from One Israel. Najis defined One Malaysia as in One Malay-sia, or simply, Malaysia with only a homogeneous race of UMNO-loving Malays, which can also be explained elegantly with the slogan "3Races, 2Allah, 1Malaysia", where 3 races fight over the Muslim vs Catholic issue of the name "
The first and primary principle of 1Malaysia is,
|If it's a Malay problem, it's a national problem. If it's a Chinese problem, it's a racial problem. If it's an Indian problem, it's not a problem.|
Upholding that principle, a mass deportation of Chinese and Indians back to their home countries is currently in effect. Those refusing to return to China or India have been reportedly sent to dungeons deep inside Najib's evil lair for torture, brainwashing and sodomy sessions with Anwar. Shortly after, variations of 1Malaysia were created, ranging from 1Toilet and 1Rempit to 1Armpit and 1Bedroom. However satirical they may seem, these are real life 1Malaysia projects, designed solely with the bumiputra's well-being in mind. 1Toilet aspires to abolish the gender binary and separation of female and male toilets, encouraging more people to engage in kinky toilet inter-racial sex and erotic tranny cross-dressing culture. IBedroom, on the other hand, reduced the number of bedrooms for sleeping.
History of Malaysia
The first history of Malaysial began when a Palembang prince named Parmesan got involved in a bar fight and insulted the King's Mom. The king threatened to beat the shit and intestines out of Prince Parma, so he fled with 3 wives, 4 mistresses, 2 lackeys, 80 mothers, 20 fathers, 10 grandfathers, 25 US Marines, 300 slaves, and a partridge in a pear tree to Singapore after visiting his close associate Mr. Mister and finding that it was too boring. Anyways, he founded the city state of Celaka which prospered for hundreds and thousands of years, much to the disbelief of Singaporeans, who at that time consisted entirely of higher life forms, and a small minority or animals called the Malays. Then came the Portuguese, Dutch, British, Japanese, Freedonians, Bordurians, Elves, Trolls, Jins and then British again who took advantage of the Malay's propensity for public holidays and invaded on a non-working Saturday. The British, like a surging wave of fetid drainwater, carried with them the Chinese (from Chin-ur; we who refuse to wipe our asses) and the Red Indians (from Indi-ur; we who wear 2 liters of perfume) to work the tin mines and rubber plantations.
Sometime in 1957, a man by the name of Tunku Abdul Rahman listened to a cassette with emo music from Conor Oberst. He then became an emo kid wearing cool glasses and shopped in thrift stores to buy his clothes, unlike those posers who go to Hot Topic and listen to Green Day. Since he was already a hipster, he named 31st December 1997 as the day the Federated Republic Kingdoms Malay States Sdn. Bhd. achieved independence. Death Cab for Cutie composed Soul Meets Body, which became the National Anthem.
Recent statistics show that Malaysia is primarily inhabited by Bangladeshis, Indonesians, Thais, Burmese and Nepalese, Malaysians are slowly being fazed by the government in a scheme designed to combat laziness and wastage in the country. These new natives possesses almost every job the Malaysian economy has to offer now; they work in restaurants with pathetic pay, they work in construction jobs with pathetic pay, and some offer their bodies to the police so their fellow man can continue to work for pathetic pay. The Bumiputras (pronounced Boo-Me with an S), the men who work in restaurants and on construction sites and on the police force watching the “new Malaysians” work for high pay constantly complain about the new natives. The Bumis complain that the new Malaysians are stealing all their jobs, raping their daughters – that right is reserved for horny uncles only – and committing numerous crimes. The Bumis don’t want to do any of the hard work themselves and are too afraid to blame fellow “true” Malaysians so they blame the honest, hardworking immigrant. But after all, the Bumis were there first, right?"
Being black in Malaysia carries a mandatory death penalty and every black entering the country will get arrested and hanged within 3 hours. Ibans are people who had an advanced civilization but live in the jungles to produce an illusion that they are primitive, thus perpetrating the myth of primitive equals stupid to non-Ibans. Malaysians do not speak of Ibans anymore because have changed they name from Iban to Kelabit. This is to show their devotion of the technology. Kadazans/Dusuns consisting only 3% of total population are slowly being known to have great talents with participations in more than half of available reality TV singing competitions. Terrorists supposedly make up 2% of country's population, although their existence has yet to be confirmed, as most of them had moved to Indonesia following the fall of Suharto's New Order, an Indonesian band created in 1966.
Ethnicity is such a big issue in Bolehland that it is the only countries is the world that require information about your "race" when you sit for a national exam. The Minister of Education of course denies any favouring towards the Malays but everyone knows that if you are non-Malay, the job of marking your paper will be outsourced to another country, usually Zaire, Chile, Guatemala, Indonesia, Zimbabwe or Imaginationland. Still, the Malays are generous enough to do extra badly in the exams and thus end up with marks lower than the Chinese or Indians, and still they can get into the local "university", which is of course, shit. After all, birds of the same feather flock together, eh?
Malaysia practices the basic democratic principle of freedom of religion. Freedom as in "Free to join Islam, death to the infidels". Malays generally embrace Islam because their Sultan did it, over 9000 years ago. Malays pray to Allah 5 times a day, asking for forgiveness in matters such as 'accidentally' eating pork, 'accidentally' drinking beer, raping their daughters, raping their mothers, raping their sisters, robbing their neighbours and 'accidentally' running over their children while rempit-ing. Malays can be clearly defined with the 3R concept. Malays also practice racism, they are so racist, that they even have their own name for racism, called Ketuanan Melayu.
While robbery and rape also occur in other countries, Rempitism is unique to Malaysia, having the same status as major religions. More accurately, Rempitism is a subreligion of Islam that practices racing motor cycles. Certain Muslims follow the sacred doctrine of Rempitism while others choose terrorism. Followers of Rempitism are known as Mat Rempits, or more commonly stupid-retarded-malay-kids. The Chinese usually pray to their gods for money, wealth, 4D numbers and prosperity. Some Chinese are Christians though, and they colour their pussies red for Easter. Dieyucks in East Malaysia are mostly Christians and worship any kind of cross. They pray at the cross-junction of major roads and cause traffic jams. Young Chinese folk to pay tribute to Lala and Ah Lian at every opportunity. These young folks gather at clubs and practice a move called "Feng Tao" where they bob their heads up and down. At the same time, they dress in all kinds of colorful, eye-hurting, fashionable garb and drink as much cheap beer as they can, till the point that they become sick and puke all over the place. Indians virtually practice no religion as all of their temples have been demolished by the racist BN government. Indians are not allowed to have any official religion because they are too small a minority to make a difference in the coming election.
Malaysia exports a lot of rubber to countries around the world. All thanks to the hard work of the heroic rubber tappers summoning up courage to face the occasional frights as well as countless attacks from cobras, Polar Bears and Hamsters. Another source of income is from pirates. There are usually two types of pirates in Malaysia: "Yarrr ye mateys! Get 'dem DVDs out an sell'em befere those darned police send us and our jolly ship ta' Davy Jones Locker! Arrrr!", or "Avast there! Thar she bee... a fyne ship from Hong Kong laden wit sweet Sony DVD players! Board her and seize tha booty! Start thee Yamaha engines and load thee canons, ya scurvy mongrels! Yarrr!"
The main Malaysian export is brains which is sourced from today's brightest minds of Malaysian youth. Brains are exported to countries such as UK, the US and Australia through institutions called private colleges. This is a serious problem for Bolehland because while this ensures that Malaysia would be free of the undeserving immigrant Chinese, it also makes Malaysian graduates more stupid in average. Studies show that by the year 2019, Malaysian graduates will be unable to differentiate between their left and right hand. The other main Malaysian import is China porn, which has high demand by Malaysian buyers in pasar malams. The local porn market has seen increased production in recent years, with obvious titles such as Young couple make out in a toilet', Hot sex near the beach and Datuk fucking with daughter frequently on sale at various pasar malams.
One of Malaysia's famous side-products is the traffic-flavored jam. Thanks to the local government who molded roads in strange various ways, it is deemed common to find the production of this uniquely-flavored jam at any part of this monkey half-island, and normally between the twin peak hours of morning and evening (which is determined by the position and angle of the Twin Peak Towers on the surface of Earth against the Moon and the Sun and the whole universe whaddaheck). Unfortunately the government wasn't genius enough to think of the idea of exporting this kind of jam, because the only market they'd thought of is the local market. The phrase 'stuck in a jam' normally refers to the local people who enjoyed bathing in the jam and honking all around to exclaim how tasty the traffic-flavored jam is. Surveys report that quite a number of tourists enjoyed this jam more than the Durian (which was actually the main material to make stinkbombs used during the Holy Party Wars and the upcoming Neighborhood Wars), in which they will go around expressing their delight with 'heart-felt swearing'. Despite its growing popularity, it remains second best behind the controversial Blackcurrant concoction used to make. Oh well, that's all you can really say about them anyway.
Malaysia is also know to export a lot of crap. The main products made in Malaysia include:
- Proton Cars - Recently won the "Best Toy Car Of The Year (BTCOTY)" and "The cheapest source of scrap metal for manhole covers" - Public Works Dept Singapore.
- TMNet Streamyx - Recently gain a spot, from 100th to 99th in the recent 3rd World Country Semi-Broadband survey. Broadband speeds now up to 35Kbps as of 2005. Provide the safest internet service in Malaysia - as long as your PC is NOT connected to the internet, it is relatively safe.
- Prostitutes and trannies from Jalan Chow Kit and Lorong Haji Taib - Ranked 2nd cleanest in the Central Asia region after Borat's Kazakhstan.
- Pirate CDs and DVDs- the ONLY top quality product made here, its quality surpassing even China's. International recognition including: FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, MF, NPA, STFU, LMFAO, LCLYMCY, O.K., and WTF.
- Kepala Sa-weed - yes, it literally meant "weed head". Malaysia have been ranked the top weed producing country in Asia. 47% of Americans prefered to smoke Malaysian weed than the Mexicans' due to their amazing aftertaste of Toilet Rice.
Film industry of Malaysia
Today, the Malaysian film industry is among the very best in South East Asia (ranked 9 out of 10 Southeast Asian countries), producing a staggering number of not more than 20 films a year. Malaysian films have always been critically acclaimed not only in Malaysia, but also inas well.
Among the best films in Malaysia include Puteri Gunung Ledang (Mountain Prince Guy), a film so good that it was made twice, like the Petronas Towers with its double penis-shaped construction. The modern, special effects laden and up to date version of Puteri Gunung Ledang has been submitted to the Oscars for competition in the category of "Best Foreign Language Film", but was left out due to the pro-Israel American cunts decided that no Muslim nation produced films should be entered.
The pornographic industry is the biggest in Indochina and Southeast Asia, second only to the Philippines. Numerous professional videos are produced every day and compiled in charitable websites like Kaki3gp and Guttersuncensored. Unfortunately, Najis with his clan of UMNO and RAPE (PERKOSA- the KKK of Malaysia) are ever agitated about seeing their mothers, sisters, daughters, ladyboy sons, and grand daughters stripping their tudung (Islamic headscarf worn by women who think their whole body from head to toe, is a cunt) and lifting their baju takkurung so easily for the Banglas, Indons, and Pakis to fuck them in doggy's style or whatever that fancies them. Hence, the charitable websites mentioned above are banned for Malaysian-idiots who don't know how to use a proxy server to get to those websites.
Intellectual Jobs in Malaysia
- Datuk - Becoming a Datuk in Malaysia promise bright future. You can easily take big contract from government and give it to some chinese contractor. They will buy you some house and Mercedes. Not to mention, this also opens more opportunity for extra side income from bribes which is TAX FREE! Datuks are worth approximately 1.5RM, and the 2001 50RM Law states 10 of these can be used as an alternative to a speeding fine.
- Traffic Police - Only Malays can apply. Their job is simple - ask a driver to pull over, tell him that he has offended many traffic laws (invent one if they couldn't find any) and tell him that they can 'settle' for the expensive fines by a small token of good gesture. Simply ask the drivers to pass some money under their driver's license, and then bid him farewell with the words like "you senang, saya pun senang" and "Ingat, saya anti rasuah!"
- Bandaraya Officer - Also known as city council officer. It's a form of legalized gangsterism. Only Malays can apply. Job scope includes legal extortion, confiscating mamak stall tables and chairs, confiscating tables, red cloth and VCD from illegal VCD peddlers and so on. Must be a good auctioneer as well as all confiscated items will be auctioned off."
- Toll Money Collector - Sparta requires all males to be fit and healthy, and the same goes to Malaysia's toll collectors. They must have perfect limbs - the left hand must be well developed for it is essential to operate the ticket machine and the cash register. The right hand must be well-built to move non-stop from 8 to 10 daily, and the legs are vital because occasionally they need to abandon their boxes to avoid vehicle crashes to the toll booth. If any of the candidates for the job do not fulfill the required requirements, His Anal Majesty Anwar himself will see to it that the failed candidates will be sodomized and thrown down into the blissful mountains the Chinese call 'Nirvana', the (M)ush-lims 'Bukit Tinggi', the Indians 'N/A' (as the national motto goes, "It's not our problem anyway").
- Ah Long - Interested applicants must be Chinese, be fluent in Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka (being able to curse proficiently is a bonus), have blond hair, killer, liar, have one pierced ear and drive a used Proton Wira with windows tinted as black as Booker T, complete with spoiler so big the car dwarfs an A380, and a muffler the size of Neptune. Also must regularly kill and kurung (imprison) people in the sangkar (cage). Must be literate and able to write on small notebooks call buku 555 (so called for the numbers '555' on the cover). An essential skill is the ability to sneak into the homes of people that can't repay their loans (mostly gamblers, other Ah Longs, old Aunties addicted to DaMaCai, or just lazy school kids that want to buy Ragnarok Online characters off eBay) and paint threatening Chinese words (must be in red paint) on their walls. Must also have an affinity with techno/house music.
- Chettiar - The Indian equivalent to Ah Longs. Applicant must be Indian (duh), pot-bellied, have curly moustaches, carry huge black umbrella and carry a huge suitcase in one hand. Also must be able to pull off a Bollywood fight scene in case a client refuses to pay his loans.
- Mat Rempit - Pseudo-professional motocycle stuntmen, soon to be dead. Only Malays can apply. Becoming a Mat Rempit is a guarantor of a good future, with the backup support from the government agency call Putera
Tak SenonohUmno. You only need to do stupid motorcycle stunts on your motorbike on a public road to attract more tourists for Year Visit Malaysia 2007. If you don't have money to spend, become a part-time snatch thief or robber. Getting arrested is a definite occupational hazard, but don't worry - just use bribe the Police and everything will be settled.
- Mat Skodeng - Only available to Muslims. Also known as government sanctioned Peeping Toms, these are some of the best jobs EVAR!!!!! (if you're a pervert, which is everybody). Basically you find Muslim couples having sex, film them and then report them! AWESOME! You can hand it over to the government to gain commission or sell these films at the "pasar malam" with titles such as 'Seks di tepi Sungai Besi' and 'Perdana Menteri yang Terlampau'.
- Malay Tudung Bitch - Only available to Muslim women who wear headscarfs, signifying their impression that their whole body is a cunt. They usually have the unenviable job of blowing every man they set their eyes on and ensuring their cunt filled with sperms from strangers. They loved to be filmed during their act so they can get a little bit more money for their self-care for their cunt. They usually dispose of their newborns in Suraus (Muslim communal fuck houses) and trash cans around town. These newborns sometimes survive to become the next PERKASA and UMNO leaders.
- VCD/DVD Seller - An easy job that just needs you to sell VCDs in the Pasar Malam or around the food court. The fixed price for one VCD is RM5(less than US$2 - important to remember when selling to gwai los). The price for one DVD ranges from RM8-RM10. Selling porn carries the highest profit. This job is better than becoming Multi Level Marketing salesman, because you can get an average salary of RM100 per night. However hawkers must always be aware of undercover police that might be nearby.
- Ladyboys - A amusingly high status job for the desperate ones. It's only available at night at certain places such as Mentari Court, Chow Kit, and some back alleys along SS15. Job requirements include (but are not limited to) the ability to pleasure both sexes, having split sex (as in can be a male and a female), the ability to seduce men, women, and other ladyboys. Might have to prepare for police raids and unoccasional GANG BANG rape. According to the current market, a ladyboy can earn RM2,000 to RM 3,000 a night depending on the skills and ability of the ladyboy. Worst comes to worst -Thailand is always open to you.
- TehTarikCrew - This is one of the most promising intellectual jobs you can do in glorious country of Malaysia, where all you need to do is dress up all in blue, wear funky leather shoes, and don officer hats. Their job is to ride on the cool lorry trucks (as seen on the MTV hit show "Jihad My Ride") and go on tehtarik raids, scheduled between Malaysian Time 10.00PM to 2.00AM. The raid will consist of 10-20 Level 1 Rogues, as seen in their obvious outfits of leather shoes. To be one of the TehTarikCrew members, one must have at least level 1 Pilfering skills, as required by Arcadia.
- CALL CENTER MANIA - The most famous job now days lor..open to all un-educated malaysians..especially the dumb malays..and rempit can join delivery service.. McDonalds delivery(the most lousy delivery service ever) it took them 45 min to one hour to deliver my freeking food? call now..! ! any call center number available to your eyes..just to end up with a dumb malay at the end of line.. "yess sir" "no sirr" the only word the know how to pronounce properly. and when they cant take it anymore, "I tak tau lar sir" "YOu boleh speaking with my supervisor" "I nih bodoh sirr"
- TMnerd SHITmyx technical assistance - The easiest job in the world. Just have to pick up the phone, ask for user verification, then ask the caller to unplug the phone line and plug-in again, then restart the computer. You have to memorise the speech and repeat it 500million times a day, because apparently Terrorkom wants to save money.
- UMNO Activist - Threaten Malaysians with Keris and degrade non-Malays as immigrants and slaves. Sick and racist, but very good pay. Only rich half-Malays and Malay pretenders can apply - genuine Malays are advised to remain in their kampung and mind their own business.
- MCA/MIC Activist - Good choice for non-Malays who still wish to get the money and power benefits that UMNO activists have.
- Mamak Stall Worker - Majority taken up by Indian Muslims. Must be able to tolerate racist remarks and flip Roti Canais 24/7. Poor salary, but they don't really care. Must be able to prepare for raids from Bandaraya at any given time.
Note: The truth is, most of the brightest minds have migrated away and now the government is trying to woo them back with pay which is much less than half of what they earn overseas. However they're given benefits like free prostitute access, and lifetime supply of Tea Baths.
Food and Popular Attractions in Malaysia
The fact that the north and south poles are melting does not concern Malaysia since it's located at the equator and although half the people are smart enough to actually realize that they'd never see snow, some of them still tend to dress up with thick coats covering up their heads or body. Indian or Mamak food is famous throughout west Malaysia. When placing an order, customers must remember to reverse the words. Ice Tea is known as 'Teh Ais', if you were to say 'Ais Teh' the waiters will not be able to tell what you're trying to say thus they hold small meetings and signals to begin guessing the customers requests. When ordering the local favourite drink - a mixture of Horlicks, Milo, Coffee and Tea, just ask for 'LickMyKoTeh'. Since Malaysia is a fucking hot place, most people prefer to dine out in open space, as the mamaks will of course place chairs and tables on outside their shops. This gives an extra good excuse for the local municipal officers to take bribes during raids because of traffic congestion, and very good practice for those who haven't experienced real life Armageddon.
Another widespread culture would be that the food must be halal or else the Malays will not eat it or use any plates served with it. Among the few famous Attractions of Malaysia would be the Nasi Lemak which consists of white rice which is supposed to be cook with Lemak (Fat, from dried coconut fruit meat, but not anymore due to unknown reasons), chicken and a local sauce which is made by grinding the clitorises of goats and have them boiled overnight and adding some cheap shells from rotten seafood. This delicacy helps stimulate your tongue muscle as u savor its spicy and tangible flavor. Nasi Lemak is also consumed as an aphrodisiac and substitute for Viagra.
Recently, the government, Najis tun Razak, attempted to encourage people to eat more Kangkung by reducing its price. It currently is on its way to become the national vegetable in Malaysia, cause it is the only thing that does not increase its price. However, it is soon turning into a popular plant in Malaysia, as it is also used to send to the loved ones during Valentines Day.
Another yet so-called "famous" spot for tourists would be the islands where people around the world flock just to see a few turtles crawling on the beach half dead after swimming through the polluted seas. The tourists like to pretend that they had never actually seen turtles before. Barbarism is also a favorite activity where the locals rob and murder foreign tourists. It is a must for tourist in Malaysia to carry weapons because the locals tend to practice their rape culture on foreigners to welcome them.
Tourists will be amazed by many of Malaysia's outstanding world class buildings and services. Such as KLCC, the tallest vacant building, KL Tower, the tallest concrete lollipop (some say circumcised concrete penis), KLIA (Kuala Lumpur Inter-kampung Airport, or KLITORIS), the most beautiful Japanese airport, KTM, the slowest train service in Southeast Asia, Smart-ASS tunnels that supply Kuala Lumpur with floods of water and E-Village, the Hollywood of Malaysia (cancelled).
Wonders of Malaysia
- The Happy Penis Palace: Known in Malay as Istana Zakaria. The only building built with no approval and unpaid assessment fees that is not demolished and sealed. The owner is the first bankrupt to be able to own a palace.
- The 'Bocor' Parliament: The unique feature is its ability to ‘leak’ away billions of taxpayers money while the guardians of the nation stood there all wet.
- The 'Unhaunted' Kuching Prison: The only $600M prison in this world that is free of haunted stories and encounters. Reasons: No execution was done here before. In fact no prisoners were held in here. There are also no concrete walls with barbed wires to contain souls - both dead and alive. Maybe it can qualify as the first imaginary prison built with real money.
- Paya Indah 'Wasted' Wetlands: The nation’s premier eco-tourism park holds the record in the category of attracting more lawyers with litigation than tourists with binoculars.
- STUPID Tunnel: Uniquely design to alleviate floods. When completed, it does everything except alleviate floods.
- ‘Disconnected' Cyberjaya: The one and only high tech city in the world that offers limited or no internet connection to its residents.
- Crooked 'Crooked' Bridge: The most crooked bridge in the world dreamt by the most crooked person in the world. Too bad it was abandoned; otherwise it will make it as one of the wonders.
- Istana Khir Toyo: Discovered in mid-2009, instantly became a cultural and historical landmark, being the first RM24-Million palace to be built on a Dentist/Menteri Besar's salary and a RM3.5 million loan from HSBC bank. Amenities include swimming pools, jacuzzis and 16 bedrooms for BN sex parties.
Transportation In Malaysia
The best way to get around Malaysia is by car. This is because the petrol is dirt cheap. Cars in Malaysia are the cheapest in the entire universe. Even the Sing-gay-poh-rian have to drive all the way north to JB just to refill their tank for half the price compared to their own minute country. This proves that Malaysians are rich and not poor unlike what the Western Media says. Chinese Malaysians will spend insane amounts of money to buy numbers like one, five, seven, eight, nine, and the letter C for their license plates. The recent most expensive car plate number starting with TAN XXXX cost RM200,000 (Yes, five zeros behind- I'm not kidding but RM200,000 is worth about USD 0.01). This brings good fart and protection from God when doing stunts like following a petrol tanker at 0.005463 meters and at 80km/h, driving at the speed of light, and overtaking dangerously. If accident happens, it means you didn't have enough number 8 on your license plate... so bad luck for you, lor! Malaysian law also disallows use of indicator lights, if you use them, the driver behind you must accelerate fast enough to not allow you to change lanes but still not cause an accident. If you look at the driver, he/she must stare blankly into space while ignoring your middle finger.
If you want to take a bus, you must go to the central bus terminal in Kotor Raya. There is also a monorail available in KL, but it only goes from the mall to public restroom. As for the two railways in KL, they only travel from the zoo to the nearest toilet. The KTM (Malaysian Crate Train) is the main railway in Malaysia that travels from Singapore to Thailand. The advertising brandishes it as having the fastest trains but in reality it is nowhere faster than the trains in Japan. The seats are also cramped.
Highways and Lowways (and their friggin' tolls all the way)
Mr. Semi Value (who is supposed to be in Lunas but nowhere to be seen there, strange) is the one contributing to all the tolls around the tapioca-shaped country. All he needs to do is just say "We need tolls. Lots of them." and SWISH, tolls will pop up like toadstools (not mushrooms, because they were all kidnapped to some game with some lunatic plumber in it; who is actually Josef Stalin in disguise) after the bloody monsoon rain. Mr. Samy (an apprentice of Donald Trump) is now officially worshipped as The Satu, with his temple built in Lunas (as expected) in order to commemorate his efforts to conquer the Highway Maytricks, but he's still nowhere to be seen in Lunas. And strangely enough, ANY kind of road is suitable to become a Highway, including those roads that are nicknamed 'Ulu-Ulu Road' . A road made for cows to walk on will suddenly become a highway within a day, and there will be tolls every 5 KM on it for some apparent reason left for everyone not stupid enough to figure it out. It is widely believed that Malaysian highways will improve significantly, as soon as someone figures out a way to keep Singaporeans from crossing the border and acting like they are in the Monaco Grand Prix.
Mr. Semi is also well-known for his creation of a recent landmark in Malaysia - specially cracked MRR 2 bridge in Kepong. Local tourism soared since then, tourists from all over the world drop by to admire at our engineering at its best - how to design a cracked bridge that everyday commuters can use unsuspectingly and this is very good news in conjunction with Visit Malaysia Year 2007. Which is why Malaysians are encouraged to pay more tolls to sustain this development with the recent 700% increment in toll rates. This also sparks a new era for Malaysian construction industry, they can now replace conventional dull and unattractive concrete with the one with cracks all over to make it not so eye sore. This saves costs for the taukehs and datuks and their extra duit kopi can now be spent on their new BMWs (Be My Whores) or bungalows that will show Malaysia is just like a first world country.
Vehicle purchasing schemes are super-flexible in Malaysia. You can purchase a vehicle and opt for no signal lights, fixed high beam headlight, no wiper, reconditioned lorry horn unit for optimum performance and few others. Schemes are revised yearly by Proton and Pro-Duck, the two national car bakers, to suit market demand. Failure to use blinkers and sudden lane change when driving is not an offense. Pedestrian failing to see oncoming vehicle and getting hit can be charged and end up in court, adding insult to injury and hence blaming the victim.
If you happen to see a car hit a motorcycle, quickly stop your car and stand there to watch to see whether the biker died or still alive. Make sure you join the crowd, watch and talk nonesense as if you care and willing to help. Don't call an ambulance - they won't arrive in time and besides it's not that you really care.
Those who won't stop their cars can always slow down and irritate the rest of the drivers behind you. You may stare at the dying victims and say "Waaa nowadays very dangerous, drivers are so careless..." and then drive away with no sense of sympathy whatsoever. You MUST do this, otherwise you are not Malaysian.
Last but not least make sure you copy down the number plates for 4D - the more serious the accident the better. The best number is from a car who hit a pig and crashed into a muddy hole filled with angry crocodiles and exploded killing an imam nearby. This ensures 100% win in a lottery.
Politics of Malaysia
In Malaysia, politician groups are known as parties. This is because they love to party all day and night while ignoring their responsibility in attending parliamentary meetings. They think it is easier to brainstorm for solutions to
develop the country suck more taxpayer's money while they are outdoors drinking beer, dancing to traditional Indonesian music and fucking little birdsin some town, than just sitting still for hours in the boring Parliament staring at the Agong's face.
Voting for opposition parties is totally pointless. Not only that they are just as stupid as BN, but also if you are found promoting opposition party ideologies, criticize the government too much or question the concept of Ketuanan Melayu, you will be jailed without trial under the ISA (Incest Sex is Alright). If you do not support BN/UMNO, then you are an oppositionist which means you will have no money and no press coverage. Not easy to be the opposition in Malaysia, you know? But don't worry, if you manage to get some political power then it's easy money for you and your cronies! Malaysia's parliamentary democracy is claimed to be modeled after the British system with the exception that Britain keeps its monarch and change the government every five years, whereas Malaysia keeps its government and change the monarch every five years. The Judicial Branch's power was raped in 1988, when UMNO somehow managed to undermine and strip their powers when they were not satisfied by the Supreme Court's decision. Today, the Judicial branch of Malaysia is just a puppet of the government, and do not uphold true justice.]
In Bolehland, winning elections is a no-brainer. Anyone can become a prominent YB(Yang Bodoh/Yang Babi) these days - even a university reject. To gain Malay votes, you just have to promise them first-class citizen treatment such as heavy discounts on all purchases and so on. As for the Chinese, promise them lots of money, business opportunities and good fortune. And as for the Indians, promise them that you won't demolish Hindu temples any more. Malaysians have a responsibility when the election comes. In a nutshell, all they have to do is enter the voting booth, make a mark using a pen, excrement, pencil or similar object, and leave afterwards. There is absolutely no point in even thinking about which party to represent themselves.
“People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. But here in Malaysia, it's a total opposite. Sigh ”
Not all Datuks are involved in 'projects', some of them (the whole family) need no projects to live a life of luxury in Europe, Australia, NZ, etc. These kinds of Datuks, actually, are not that uncommon. Honestly, with so much blatant corruption, it is stupid to be a Malaysian and not take advantage of the situation to get leverage financially in order to get laid by hot chicks who will only date you if you drive a car bigger than her boobs. There are always some uncles talking cock at the coffee shop (go listen now). They can tell you tips of 'How to become rich quick?' . Usually the methods are similar: you need to be friends with a Datuk, then either you buy a Mercedes-Benz for your Datuk for him to get projects for you, or you 'share share' the money 50-50, 60-40, 64-36, etc., later.
The anti-corruption agencies in Malaysia are the most corrupt people in the planet. The only reason that people join the anti-corruption agencies is because it's very easy to get bribe money since their sole purpose is to find people who offer bribes. The same scenario is applicable to Malaysian politicians, as their sole purpose to join politics is to get rich from bribes. They are the very same politicians who set-up the anti-corruption agencies to disguise their crookedness. Be a patriotic citizen and cry "Malaysia Boleh!!" the next time a Tan Sri escapes arrest for raping his daughter!
- BN: The ruling party since 1957, BN stands for Barang Naik and it has the same meaning as UMNO (U Must Not Object). In BN there are other two parties that support the government, the MIC (Malaysian Incest Community/Congress) and the MCA (Malaysian Cock-sucking Association), which are simply branches of the UMNO. Aim to suppress development by providing shitty education and Internet so everyone can be as stupid as in 1957 and continue to vote for BN. Pretends to support anti-racism when they do not.
- PAS: PAS, an acronym for Party Ajaran Sesat or Pakistani, Afghan and Saudi Party are a bunch of cave Malays who idolize the Middle East up to the tiniest detail. They aspire to turn the whole of Malaysia and it's people into a 7th century desert country, so that everybody can do the belly dancing while smoking hashish and dyeing their hair with camel pee.
- DAP: Acronym for "Democratic" Action Party or Die American Pigs. Gained fame during the trend of anti-Americanism a few decades ago. DAP is widely recognized by their unique flag design, that depicts a SCUD missile angled to hit New York from Kuala Lumpur. After overthrowing the original leader, the party members adopted a different ideology but retained the same name and the flag because it looks really badass or gempak habis. The current slogan of DAP is "Malaysia for Malaysians" (apparently an embarrassed DAP fanatic has come upon this page and tried to remove the word "Chinese", but several thousand reverts later he gave up and just censored it instead). They almost had Malaysians fooled to think that they are the true champions of genuine democracy, but it turned out they are just aChink version of UMNO.
- Keadilan: After getting kicked out of UMNO for secret butt-sex, Anuar's wife founded the Parti Keadilan, which means fairness. It strives to have fair share of coffee money, government benefits, young Malay girls and AP royalties that UMNO almost exclusively enjoys. In a nutshell, Keadilan is just a whining Malay bitch version of UMNO, pretending to be against corruption and injustice. But once you go UMNO you never go back.
Education in Malaysia
The education system of Malaysia is unique, being the only system in the world to penalize high achievers and reward idiots. Brains are exported overseas while the least brightest are nurtured locally, which is the main reason why Malaysians would be unable to differentiate between left and right by 2020. All Malaysians attend 11 years of compulsory brainwashing at government facilities called public schools. Upon graduating, ethnic Malays either enroll in top-quality world class Malaysian universities or creativity classes such as The Art of Mat Rempit and The Basics of Porno DVD Production.
Following a policy reversal of teaching Math and Science in English, nation-wide SPM test scores for rural areas increased by 0.005%, which experts claim has the same significance as Najis Razak, Najib playing with C4 in Malaysia or a Malay raping his daughter. The remaining students refused to sit for the exam due to the ridiculous questions such as in Add Math, "Cuba cari jawaban untuk x dalam persamaan x+1=0. Kalau tak boleh tak apa, kertas jawapan tanda "Bumiputera" dah okay, tambah 60 markah". Universities outside the country refuse to accept any SPM candidate and the Malaysian university ranking has plummeted another 20 places, sitting behind Zimbabwe, Nigeria and Somalia.
After running out of ideas on how to show how "Boleh" Malaysians are at wasting money, the government finally decided to send a homosexual Malay into space, fully funded by the Chinese and Indian's taxpayer's money. The government wants to pretend that Malaysia is fucking rich and developed.
Anyway, the Asstronaut Program (or Angkassawan) is not "a mere passenger to the International Space Station (ISS)". He is going there to do ground-breaking research that will bring great benefits towards cancer research. Also, this Doctornaut will once and for all prove that Islam is practicable even in outer space.
Entertainment in Malaysia
The local entertainment industry consists of rip-offs of popular international shows, "talent" shows, local porn, low quality crap and other stuff that no one wants to watch. Akademi Frustasia is a show consisting of Malays who compete in a singing contest with each other to see who cries the most and whose voice is the worst. Chinese people and Indians who compete in the so-called "talent" show do not get publicity. Malaysian Idol is a reality singing show in Malaysia hosted by a Taiwanes douche bag who makes fun of Mat Rempit, an anorexic slut, and an overweight Indonesian. Idol is one of the popular "shows" that are ripped off from the American editions. Other rip-offs include So You Think You Can't Dance and One in a Gazillion, which all have the same reality TV format and both being stolen from their American versions. Big Brother, which is instead a Dutch show, is yet to be ripped off, but the Philippines had successfully transplanted that show to produce their own ripoff much to the chagrin of Malaysians.
Even worse are the shows produced locally. The most popular local show is 3R (Rob, Race, Rape), it contains many advice on how to act like a typical Malay citizen of Malaysia, Diari Ramadan Rempit a drama about a Mat Rempit starving himself during the day and doing motorcycle stunts at night for the eternal glory of Allah the Almighty, and the animation series Upin & Ipin. This show revolves around two extremely whiny and annoying Malay twins who can make everybody's ears bleed with their fucked up helium-induced voices.
Street Rallies and Protests
Abdullah Bodohwi, the previous Prime Minister, claimed that "Malaysia is not a protesting country-lah!", but the text books in school disagree. Obviously he failed History while in secondary school, looks like Malaysia is doomed to have brainless prime ministers forever. Let's take a look at what the Secondary 3 (high school, 9th Grade) history textbook has to say:
“The Malays organized a peaceful demonstration to protest against Sir Harold MacMicheal's method of acquiring the Sultans’ signatures and to reject the Malayan Union proposal, street demonstrations were held in large towns such as Kota Bharu, Kelantan, Alor Setar, Kedah and Johor Bahru.”
“50,000 people (Malays) gather for a street demo in Alor Setar to threaten Sir MacMichael and reject the Malayan Union proposal”
“The Malays showed their displeasure towards the Malayan Union proposal. United we stand, divided we fall, that's the way that we should follow.”
As the years went by, the Malays grew hateful and felt betrayed, yet they could not protest to have the dogs exiled. instead they made up some rule whereby Malays can't touch anything dog related. Till today, the rule still stands, and the relationship between Malays and dogs have worsened. The Guiness Book of Records hold this as the longest (and most unsuccesful) protesting strategy of all time.
- ↑ The Malay name is "Semen-anjung Melayu" or "Malay Penis-ula".
- ↑ Or non-Indigenous people, for that matter
- ↑ RRR: Rob, Race, Rape
- ↑ Not to be confused with "breaking teh ice", which is an expression used in teh Internet community.
- ↑ Which means ABSOLUTELY NO PORK EVER! That's right, treat them with respect as if they were Jewish
- ↑ though it's much more suitable to be called a Lowway but crap, this is Malaysia and Malaysia Boleh!
- ↑ a.k.a., their daughters- Malay politicians had a good incest every night in jest.
- ↑ If you don't believe me, ask Najis Tong Rosak
- ↑ That is, "Try finding pronumeral x in the equation x+1=0. If you cannot answer, write "Bumiputra" and you get 60 marks added.
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