Lacrosse
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Lacrosse is the best awesomenessssss considered to be awesome in the entirity of the world college activity”
~ George Carlin on Lacrosse
“At least lacrosse players get to play with balls and sticks”
~ Michael Jackson on Lacrosse
“Duke lacrosse team, baby!”
~ Dick Vitale on rape
Lacrosse is a sport which one plays instead of playing pussy sports in the spring like tennis or Baseball and golfing. Lacrosse is the sport that real manly men play instead of girly stuff such as football. The main goal of the sport is unclear except to kill kids, but the primary aspects of it include men chasing after each other with lethal butterfly nets.
Contents |
[edit] History
Lacrosse was clearly invented by a raving madman. History says that the raving madman in question may have been Aztec or Mayan, but no one is terribly sure. Lacrosse saw a surge in popularity when Pope Julius II declared ex-cathedra that "baseball is gay (sic)". Since then, there has been a significant amount of enmity between baseball players and lacrosse players.
More recently, lacrosse is the first sport that allowed woodland creatures to manage teams, illiciting huge support from pro-woodland creature interest groups everywhere (and dismay from pro-crustacean groups everywhere). Native American's, while rumored to have started a primitive form of lacrosse, actually have nothing to do with it.
[edit] Sub-culture
Although a helmet and pads is required for lacrosse, there is very little full body contact, and contact mainly consists of wimpy stick-checks. After the game there will be very little talk about goals or saves, but rather "laying people out," the way lax bros say hitting. Even though a flag was thrown it will be the talk of the team for days.
Traditionally, on-field attire includes high socks, or black Nike mid's. Those who wear soccer cleats instead of football cleats are the ones on the team who don't have friends. "Lax flow," or hair flowing freely from the back of the helmet in a mullet-like fashion, is just as essential to a lacrosse player as their stick skills or speed. Flow is even admired by opposing players.
Off the field, lacrosse players can be seen wearing Brooks Brothers, plaid shorts, and boat shoes, and on casual days, a reversible pinnie of their favorite liberal arts college, a backwards hat, and mesh shorts with sandals or Air Maxes. There are some, however, who portray the mannerisms of the laxer without actually playing the sport, who are considered posers. they often will deny thier appearance, but at the same time show it off to others around them.
96% of lacrosse players develop an addiction to smokeless tobacco, most notably Skoal. "Lips" are packed before, during, and after games.
[edit] Rules
Before one can join their lacrosse team, a waiver must be signed stating that you like Dave Matthews, OAR, and 311.
Players attempt to score as many goals as possible while staying totally "chill". Being chill includes referring to teammates as bro's, brah's, and broskis, and making sweet nicknames for underclassmen. It also means running hard through ground balls, never raking, and always putting extra finness on passes and catches, maintaining a constant swagger. It is not uncommon for someone with no athleticism, yet incredibly chill, to have a natural ability for the game of lacrosse.
The most important thing for a lacrosse player to remember is that most people don't know what the fuck is going on during a game, even though it is just as simple to follow as basketball. As long as you try to hit someone and run hard you will look cool playing it. Invite as many girls to the game as possible.
[edit] Other
If a girl dates a lacrosse player for the sole purpose of receiving sex, the girl may be referred to as a "laxstitute". This definition can be supplied in a surprisingly large number of circumstances. The "Laxstitute" is found rarely in nature in the Baltimore area. They have high success rate in captivity and have since thrived when kept domestically. Dem bitches be triflin.
