Labour Party (UK)
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“Like the Conservative Party, just more right wing”
- You may be looking for New Labour and not even know it!
The British Labour Party, or Zanu-LieBore!!1 as they are formally known, was formed in the dark days of the late 19th-century in order to give voice to those many millions of people who were too weak to ask of their top-hatted masters whether another helping of thin soup might be possible. Originally formed as a socialist party it has changed in recent years to a mish mash of socialism and robbing popular Tory policies. It now works hard to give as much money to bankers as possible and sign away as much British democracy as possible to the EU. The new party leader is Ed Miliband who is offically aged about 40 but looks 15, an obvious ploy to appeal to the 'Yoof' Vote. The Labour Party is regarded as the third worst political party in Britain behind the Liberal Democrats and the Conservative Party - which isn't saying much.
The Labour Party or British Manual Labour Party of Workers, Peasants and Guardian Readers (to give it its full title) was formed in 1880 by Kier Hardon, a jolly man with a hearty laugh and generous smile. Thanks to Hardon and his winning ways, many weak and poor people were encouraged to limp to the polls, dodge the policeman's baton and vote for his new party and elect Britain's first socialist government in 1922. Because this was a socialist government, the royal family were immediately shot, all private property was confiscated by the state (or The State, if you prefer), Britain became a satellite-state of the USSR and your kids' teacher was replaced by a lesbian in a beret with a red star on it to teach them Das Kapital. This is true, honest guv,nor.
Rise to prominence
After this, the Labour Party soon supplanted the Liberal Party as the main opposition to The Conservative Party in Parliament. By the time Adolf Hitler turned out not to be a decent sort of chap with a sensible attitude to communism but a mad racist imperialist hell-bent on destroying Europe (albeit taking-down communism on the way) the Labour Party were considered trustworthy enough by the establishment to form a coalition with Winston Churchill. After the war, Labour won another term by a landslide under Clement Attlee and, as predicted, Britain became a Marxist police-state. Not really, they just created the NHS and built lots of prefab houses.
The postwar years - "to me, to you"
In the postwar years, government regularly switched between the Conservatives and Labour until the 1970s when the Labour-affiliated trade union movement decided that the best way to get the common man on your side was to let the streets fill with rubbish, only work two days a week, strike because your mate's legs were cold and live entirely on beer and sandwiches. In fact, whilst doing all of this, they loudly yelled demands through rather tinny-sounding megaphones for a 2000% annual pay increase, no worker to ever be laid off for "honest, trivial mistakes" (such as "so-called" theft, "so-called" sabotage or "so-called" murder of middle ranking executives) or indeed ever, reccession or no recession while militantly waving placards. Shoddy-looking mis-spelled placards at that. Well, if they can't even be bothered to spell-check their placards then they deserve whatever they had coming to them. The bastards. The British electorate promptly chose Margaret Thatcher to be their leader in 1979. The bastards.
The Wilderness Years
In the 1980s, Labour decided to counter Conservative accusations that they were a party living in the past by choosing thrusting dynamic young buck Michael Foot as their leader and remaining tied to unions led by forward-thinking types like Arthur "Stalin" Scargill. After this approach failed to make Labour popular with anyone except the NME, the party had another rethink and dynamic forward-thinking Welsh slaphead Neil Kinnock became Labour leader. Kinnock picked the Labour Party up roughly by its collective cloth-cap and shifted it a little to the right, ditching inexplicably unpopular policies such as the nationalisation of banks and that well-known Soviet success-story, the planned economy. Unfortunately, despite a revival in Labour's fortunes and Thatcher's descent into madness and eventual destruction by John Major, Labour still found themselves unable to win an election because The Sun put a picture of Kinnock on the front cover looking like a lightbulb. People living in the burnt-out, needle-strewn ruins of their council estate which had built-up under Thatcher's stirling efforts to "make the country better" had been convinced of Labour's policies before realising, once they'd wiped away the tears of mirth, that Kinnock looked like a big lightbulb and promptly voted Conservative.
Smith to Blair
Kinnock resigned to become a Lord and work for the EU and was replaced by disco-dancing Scotsman John Smith. Unfortunately, after only a couple of years of being Labour leader, Smith was murdered by the Trotskyist tyrant Alan Milburn, under the orders of the noble Communist warrior Tony Benn and was replaced by Tony Blair who promptly did the same trick as Kinnock had regarding the party and their collective hat and caused controversy by wanting to ditch "Clause Four", Labours age-old commitment to public ownership of business which they'd clearly always carried out whenever they got into government. Its replacement is some wet liberal rubbish about Labour being a "democratic socialist" party who want a "dynamic relationship between private and public" rather than all that stirring stuff about the lantern-jawed proletariat bravely fighting the upper-classes police footsoldiers from ramshackle barricades. Middle-class Guardian readers were particularly upset about the ditching of Clause Four because it's not like any of them had thousands of pounds tied-up in shares or anything like that.
Blair and his accolytes (including his own sinister Joseph Goebbels-figure, Peter Mandelson) decided to re-brand the Labour Party as "New Labour" which, ironically, was a label still sticking after thirteen years. Ed "Ed" Milliband's ascension to Labour leader in 2010 marks the end of old "new" Labour and the confusing establishment of new "older" Labour. Ed says "we're still not sure what to call the party". How about "The Labour Party"?
The Blair years
In 1997 the British working-class demonstrated their hatred of "sellout" Blair's ditching of Clause Four by handing him a landslide victory. The Conservatives replaced John Major with the sun out of The Tellytubbies and Major retired to seek-out a smaller pair of spectacles, consume some warm beer and become a philanthopic donator of useless governance. Blair promptly became a sort of Lord Protector figure and was determined never to relinquish power, until June 2007 when he did. The loser.
The Brown Sludge and now Eddie Miliband
More commonly known as "The Brown Streak". Nobody knows yet; certainly, that name doesn't bode well. Harriet Harperson succeeded John Prescott as Deputy Leader, people wondered during the First Round where Hazel Blears had got to, it turned out that Harriet had been sitting on her all along, after all Hazel's only little, unlike her expenses claims.
Gordon Brown's accession to power was easy; he had God on his side, as do all Scotsmen. Some of Gordon Brown's first tests of competency have been the Northern Rock crisis, when the seaside resorts of Blackpool and Morecambe both ran perilously short of hard sweets, the 'Summer Flooding' of Gloucestershire (a disastrous remake of 'Grease' on water) and his handling of the fall-out from the 'Credit Crunch', a delicious chocolate-coated but particularly crumbly American delicacy.
For awhile Gordon's poll ratings perked up like a man popping viagra but then all the old doubts whether the Labour Prime Minister was right for the job. Stories of him throwing office equipment at people and biting his fingers off led to many plots against his life. But Brown had the ring leaders taken out into the garden of Number 10 and had them shot. He will be long remembered for his lasting legacy of leaving Britain "best place to weather the great recession of 2009" (when he "saved the world" too); although the trillion pound debt the nations grandchildren have plegded their lives into servitude to repay is a minor point of contention.
Following the 2010 General Election, which nobody won although Labour even less so than the Tories, but ahead of all others, although Nick Clegg was able to ride on into power on David Camerons coatails, Broon fae Troon decided to step Doon. Harriet was given the official Labour trousers to wear which she kept on until September 2010 when the Labour party elected Ed Miliband, an animatronic plasticene model of his brother David.
Ed's election surprised many commentators as his older brother was expected to win. However Ed tactically out witted is brother by promising concession to the trade unions. The deal struck with national trade unions was: Ed when elected (lol) to number 10 would reintroduce the "Beer and Sandwiches" meetings at No10 with trade union leaders. The original "Beer and Sandwiches meetings" date back to the Wilson government of the mid 1970s. However with the election of Thatcher government in 1979, these meeting fell out of fashion. As Mrs Thatcher prefer to delegate negotiation directly to a police baton and 'striking' miners head. Mrs Thatcher was known to disliked beer and smelly working classes and much preferred battery acid.
Also part of a secret plan was hatched to wrong foot the Conservative party. As Ed looked too young to have done anything dangerous before 2010, he has now become the Labour party's new leader. Also it has been noticed that: Ed has a special talent, that no other politician seems to have. It is well know throughout contemporary society, that its easy to tell when a politician is telling lies! 'his or her lips move' however Ed has overcome this standing disability associated with politicians: Ed speaks through his nose.
Ed's main political supporters are:
Ed Balls:(Balls-up Eddie/Ed Bellend). Ed Balls is also the illegitimate child of George 'Muhammad' Galloway and an 8 year old Islamic Camel.
David Miliband|Former Blairite.
[editor]Sorry I can't remember any of them.
So far he hasn't bothered to marry his girlfriend or correctly fill in his son's birth registration so it looks like Eddie will be following the tradition of institutional incompetence that has always marked Britain's main socialist party.
Why do so many people vote Labour?
- They think the Labour Party actually gives a rats ass about people who earn less than 100k a year.
- People love the great taste?
- Ed Milliband's winning smile, action man face and easy-going humour?
- They are illegal-immigrants and the Daily Mail told them that Labour were planning to give them a billion pounds a year and a free palace?
- It eases their guilt about being middle-class and having two cars?
- Most of their voters are actually Daily Mail readers, who want something to whinge and moan about?
- They have become mutated by all the alcohol, tobacco/cannabis smoke, Red Bull, take-aways, "reality TV" and general fecklessness they were exposed to over their childhood and teens the to the point where their intellect is on a par with that of a your avergae B-Movie zombie (see Jade Goody).
But The Number One Most Popular Reason:
|To spite the Tories, those bastards|
Notes on a Hardie/Hardy Dynasty
From the party's formation in 1900 until the First World War, the Labour party was constantly led by the left wing House of Hardie Their position on the party's left meant they suffered a brutal propaganda war with the right wing press. Many Labour left wingers wish to reinstall the Hardy dynasty , rallying around the truly terrifying new blood Tom , a young actor who has already played 'Death Wish' Charles Bronson in a biopic.
King Lear Hardie was the first Labour Prime Minister. However, this ended when he went insane, left the country to his two vicious daughters and got naked in a thunderstorm. Premiership handed over to Chancellor of the exchequer Thomas Hardy, who was voted out at the 1911 General Election later that year because the public saw too much of him moping on a Moor. The next year, a General Election was announced, with a surprise victory for party favourites the Hardy Boyz, after Jeff Swanton Bombed Liberal PM David Lloyd George through a table. When a general election was announced in 1914, they were expected to beat Tory leaders the Dudley Boyz, but with Lloyd George still sour about 1912, he interfered and hit Matt with a chair.
Opposition to WWI saw the expiry of the left-wing Hardy dynasty. Keir was boning some posh totty 1/3 his age, Queer was discovered to have squandered his allowances on Wizard of Oz merch, Thomas kept brooding and eventually took up a job writing jingoistic crap for the Propaganda bureau, and intense personal quarrels between Matt and Jeff made another Hardy premiership impossible.
The party has been on a downward curve towards completely abandoning the socialism of the Hardys ever since. Nye Bevan Hardy, a cousin to the the Boyz and, as head of the house in Wales, the nearest heir at that time tried to reclaim the party on a wave of popularity from his NHS, but died before he could.
By this time, the family's influence on the party had severely waned. The only MP since of the Hardy bloodline was Tony Benn, an illegitimate son of Thomas. He remains a rallying force for Hardy restorationists.
- ↑ Rather like Gordon Brown, only jolly. And with a hearty laugh and generous smile
- ↑ See also: The Daily Mail
- ↑ Yeah, what a crazy idea! Oh...
- ↑ LOL
- ↑ How come no conspiracy-theories about how TORY B.LIARS killed John Smith to take power, eh? Don't see much of that on YouTube.
- ↑ Branding experts have argued that the Blairite Labour Party should be re-branded "Then-New Labour", the Brownite Labour Party "Brown Labour" and the current Labour Party "New Milliband for the Millennium". It has also been decided that the pre-1994 Labour Party should be referred to as "Labour Classic".