From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Leonardo Laurence Lawliet XI or as he's commonly know L is one of the anime/manga series, Death Note's most popular and perverse characters. He is the world's greatest detective, able to solve cases that not even Scooby Doo could. This mostly because unlike the former, L resorts to some of the strangest tactics ever thought up by mankind; although their metabolisms are similar. However L would never resort to jumping over buildings in black tights like Batman, much as Batman doesn't give foot rubs and share flats with serial killer.
edit Early Life
One can infer that L had both super diabetes and lieabetes from a young age, seeing as his parents kicked him out for his behaviour and was depressed. He was taken in by a kind man known as Quilish Wammy, the inventor of the Wammy bar. He is better known by others as Watari because it sounds a lot cooler. 'Watari' found a home for the child at Wammy's House, which continues the long English tradition of orphanariums. During this time, L also developed his dislike for church bells as they remind him of a bad experience with a priest.
L developed his unchallenged intelligence and detective skills while at Wammy's House. When his services were not needed, he watched countless hours of crime dramas such as Law and Order, CSI, Batman Andy Griffith and Scooby Doo. Through these shows, he collected a vast amount of knowledge on apprehending criminals. Hilariously, L always played detective with his fellow housemates, but eventually found that nobody wanted to play with him because of his unorthodox methods; in one instance, he strapped one of his female friends to a chair, blindfolded her, and asked her a series of questions that made her uncomfortable; getting it all on film from 50 points of view. He didn't use a polygraph though because those aren't real, unlike "ESP phenomenon".
L was a socially awkward kid. His intelligence far surpassed that of his friends, being as such, this affected him later in his life developing into social awkwardness and not much empathy for fellow companions, though he knew right from wrong. Good was blue stage lights and red was evil stage lights clearly.
edit Kira Investigation
During his time as a detective, L solved many great cases. One of which involved him teaming up with some hot Japanese chick in order to bring down a former resident of Wammy's house whom had since become an unwanted fan boy of L.
However, L's greatest case was the Kira case. Upon concluding that the mysterious string of heart-attack related deaths in Japan were the work of some obviously troubled, egotistical, and sadistic Japanese, high school student and not just because of all of the stressed out Japanese businessmen, L took it upon himself to announce that he would not rest until he brought the sadistic bastard or bitch to justice. He gathered a team of the NPA's best agents including Soichiro Yagami (the eventual culprit's father); J-Fro enthusiast, Aizawa, and the lovable dumbass, Matsuda.
Sometime after, L was convinced, based on much evidence that no one understood, that Kira was Soichiro Yagami's son, Light Yagami. Although Soichiro disagreed, L paid him no mind and wasted no time in bugging the Yagami residence with hidden cameras and wire-taps. While he claimed such an act was merely police work, the others thought that L had a fetish for collecting candid camera pornography. Soon after that, L confronted Light himself and offered the young child with God complex a position on the investigation team. Light was thrilled and thus began a wondrous adventure full of violence, betrayal, hatred, love, and yaoi-related content.
L and Light then discovered a second Kira had appeared. The only difference was this Kira was a dumbass and made hasty moves. Convinced by the obvious lack of intelligence, a knack for killing only males, and the thought of one day meeting Kira, the two were convinced the second Kira was a woman. Not long after, the second Kira, Misa Amane, made contact with Light and decided to join forces. Of course, L was no fool and wasted no time in apprehending Miss Amane for questioning. L then proceeded to do to Misa what he did to that female Wammy House resident so many years ago and began his perverted interrogation, making sure to tie her up in a way that would reveal as much of her thighs as practical. All the while, L took great guilty pleasure in watching Misa suffer as he stuffed his face with candy and other sugary sweets. Not long after, L received the pleasure of interrogating Light Yagami as well.
Little did he know however, everything was going according to Light's plan, which evidently must have evolved over the time skip or else he would have just killed off a bunch of politicians and billionaires on his first day, ultimately preventing more deaths.
edit Yotsuba Kira, Downfall, and Death
After constant scolding by the other members of the investigation squad, L released Light and Misa. However, not wanting to let Light out of his sight and still convinced he was Kira, L tied his hand to Light's hand with a rather long handcuff. Needless to say, the act was seen by many fan girls (and Misa) as such an obvious yaoi-related act and immediately began polluting the air with their sick and perverted fantasies. During their time handcuffed, Light and L sparred with one another, had many heart-filled conversations, and went through many arcade challenges like a newlywed gamer couple (alongside Misa of course).
During this time, L and Light received word that the new string of Kira killings were coming from an employee from the Yotsuba company. Going by gut feeling that this Kira was a perverted old rich guy, L decided to send Misa in to make him spill his guts. Much to everyone's surprise, L was correct and the suspect, Kyosuke Higuchi sand like a canary. Immediately, L set up a massive steak-out and alongside Light, Watari, and the entire Japanese Police agency, they were able to successfully apprehend Higuchi of the Death Note he was carrying. Unfortunately, L made the biggest mistake of his life and literally handed the Death Note back to Light; which was like giving that guy from Memento back his tattoos. Light finally got tough on big business and killed Higuchi. Of course, L wasn't about to give up and arranged to set up a testing of the notebooks power to prove Light and Misa's guilt. Little did he know however that Light had already staged his eventual downfall.
Mere hours before the end, L decided to take a trip up to the roof of the agency and stand out in the rain; for no particular reason, he just thought that fan girl service was in order, and it reminded him a lot of Rutger Hauers death scene in Blade Runner. However, what followed could only be classified as either Biblical allegory or grade-A yaoi. L was attempting to play dumb in order to employ a psychological torture known as the Colombo effect that made the suspects confess like crazy widows; unfortunately this did not work as well as it did in church every Sunday, and Light was just mildly aroused.
Sadly, the following hour just as he was preparing to test the notebook, L lost his life after Rem was forced by Light wrote his and Watari's real names in the Death Note. L then fell to the floor in slow, dramatic, fashion, and was greeted by Light Yagami with glowing red eyes and a satanic smile. It's really too bad he didn't film this with his millions of cameras, or else the FBI would have just used his creepy minute long micro expressions to get a warrant. L then had an NDE, saw an all consuming white light, and drifted off into sweet non existence, to meet his maker Atheismo in Mu.
Although L died, Light was eventually revealed to be Kira by three of L's former Wammy House residents and obviously worse versions, Near, Mello and Magnum P.I. Of course, not too many saw this happen as L's death shunned nearly half of the readers and viewers away from the series. That was too bad, considering at the end of the anime version, Light laid on the steps of some power plant dying like a dog with
the spirit of L smiling down at him victoriously some drug-caused hallucination glaring down at him with eyes covered by a pen.
However, it has recently been put forward that L did not completely disappear from the face of the universe but became a Hollow and was recast into an Arrancar with the help of Sosuke Aizen. Henceforth, he came to be known as Ulqiuorra Cifer. However, he did not retain any of his human memories, hence the quote at the beginning of this article. The theory of the Arrancar is farther evidenced by his fondness for Orihime Inoue, a prettier, smarter and less annoying version of Misa Amane.