What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?
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“It started off as a joke!!”
“What Kind of sick joke is this?”
~ MLK
“Ahh, a holiday to bring me the bucks”
“(Regarding his "What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?" Book) I've been giving these out for 647 years”
~ Kwanzaabot
“Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”
~ Dorothy
“...and Stanley, come Kwanzaa time, I got your back.”
Kwanzaa is a holiday for blacks because they didn't have one of their own. Except MLK Day, but that's for everyone. Kwanzaa is a holiday made so people of African origin don't have to feel left out around Christmas time. It doesn't really exist. Its not like its abnormal for black people to dress up in non matching colors and dance around like morons in the rituals of Kwanzaa. I mean, haven't you ever heard of rappers? Kwanzaa is a holiday celebrating African-American history, because the entire month of February just wasn't good enough. Kwanzaa is obviously a ploy for blacks to have another excuse to receive presents from friends and relatives. Ain't nothing wrong with that yo foo g ganstazizzle and all you nappy headed hos.
The flag of Kwanzaa, in an effort to celebrate all the diversity of the holiday, contains all the colors of the rainbow, excepting orange, yellow, blue, red-blue, purple, gold, and adding black for good measure. The remaining colors, which I presume are displayed in a flag somewhere and assure you that I actually know and haven't forgotten, are deeply symbolic. The colors of the flag symbolize Kwanzaa.
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[edit] The Man Who Invented Kwanzaa
[edit] Conspiracy
During World War II, a plot was devised by Nazi guild leader Dale Winton to destroy the negroliday known as Kwanzaa. The plan was to first invent and then fly a 747 airplane into the 3rd basement floor of the Pentagon which would then cause America to forget Kwanzaa ever existed. A cunning plan really...but then, disaster struck. Winton was hit by a meteor the size of a golfball and the Nazi uprising was conquered by the russians and their vodka. But! Years later, the notorious Charles Manson discovered the plans Churchhill had made while he was flossing his teeth one day in the pentagon (yea the fucking retard hid his plans at ground zero hahahah n00b) and then created an organization bent on fulfilling the plans, to prevent Helter Skelter. To this day it is widely believed that Charlie Mansons fan club is still trying to bring down this joyous, festive day of niggerness...
[edit] Popular Kwanzaa Carols:
Jingle bling
Kwanzaaclause is coming to town
Oh kwanzaa tree
Ol' micky-dizzle had a farm
T'was the night before kwanzaa
Little town of compton
Three chiefs of Africa
12 days of kwanzaa
Shugamamma got run over by a cadillac
How the white man stole kwanzaa
I believe in kwanzaaclause
Jinglebling rap
Lil' drumma foo
I'm dreaming of a black kwanzaa
Frosty Da nigga
Oh com all yee negros
Its Black as shit outside
Lets eat chicken
And a 30 second jingle about the meaning of Kwanzaa, sung by Prince
Salty Cracker
Shoes on a electric line
Hot Damn! I Love Watermelons!
Ashy Santa
Ballin Nuts Roasting Over An Open Fire
I'm on a Boat
[edit] 12 Days of Kwanzaa
"The 12 Days of Kwanzaa" is the most popular Kwanzaa song to date, Lil Wayne got a golden record through his singing it with his small tribe of children, the text goes as follows:
On the _ day of Kwanzaa, my true love gave to me:
- 12 Baby Daddies
- 11 Watermelons
- 10 Bails of Cotton
- 9 Food Stamp Coupons
- 8 Section Housing
- 7 Pounds of Chitlins
- 6 Pints of Hennessey
- 5 Pounds of (hair) Weave
- 4 Parole Officers
- 3 Declined Credit Card
- 2 Welfare Checks
- A bucket of Fried Chicken
[edit] Kwanzaa Today
Kwanzaa's popularity has diminished recently, probably due to the trend that better December holidays are springing up all the time: Festivus, Annual Non-Religious Gift-Giving Day (i.e., Giftmas), Hangover Eve, Chinese Thanksgiving, Death of Autumn Celebration, and The Feast of 1,000 Holidays.
Spike Lee and Hallmark have collaborated in sponsoring Kwanzaa Awareness programs. Hallmark benefiting from the holiday lull between Christmas and Valentines Day, and Spike Lee getting floor seats at the Knicks game from Hallmark (inside a "I heard you helped us whore a holiday" card).
[edit] Kwanzaa Symbolism
Much like the menorah for Hanukkah, celebrators of Kwanzaa employ a similar candle holder. It appears much like an orange block of wood with 8 black candles. The orange block symbolizes the desert while the 8 black candles symbolize the 8 mighty tribes of Africa, also cocks. This item is known as the "Kwanzalabra".
[edit] Kwanzaa Kuotes
“Happy Holidays, black people! Turn on the Christmas Tree! Light the Hannukah Menorah! Um, uh, activate the, um, Kwanzaa apparatus.”
~ Nat X on Kwanzaa
“Who cares if Jesus wasn't really born on Christmas, you think Kwanzus was really born on Kwanzaa? Hell no.”
~ Grampa Freeman on Kwanzaa
“Why the hell do think we celebrate Kwanzaa? More friggin gifts after Christmas screw Kwanzaa.”
~ Johnny Rocketfingers on Kwanzaa
