Kwanzaa

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Since there are only 5 good flag colors, there can only be 125 different flags. This must also be the national flag of at least 2 countries.

“It started off as a joke!!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Kwanzaa? It's like some black holiday.”

~ Santa Claus

“What Kind of sick joke is this?”

~ MLK

“Ahh, a holiday to bring me the bucks”

~ Colonel Sanders

“(Regarding his "What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?" Book) I've been giving these out for 647 years”

~ Kwanzaabot

“Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”

~ Dorothy

“...and Stanley, come Kwanzaa time, I got your back.”

~ Michael Scott
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa is a holiday for blacks because they didn't have one of their own. Except MLK Day, but that's for everyone. Kwanzaa is a holiday made so people of African origin don't have to feel left out around Christmas time. It doesn't really exist. Its not like its abnormal for black people to dress up in non matching colors and dance around like morons in the rituals of Kwanzaa. I mean, haven't you ever heard of rappers? Kwanzaa is a holiday celebrating African-American history, because the entire month of February just wasn't good enough. Kwanzaa is obviously a ploy for blacks to have another excuse to receive presents from friends and relatives. Ain't nothing wrong with that yo foo g ganstazizzle and all you nappy headed hos.

The flag of Kwanzaa, in an effort to celebrate all the diversity of the holiday, contains all the colors of the rainbow, excepting orange, yellow, blue, red-blue, purple, gold, and adding black for good measure. The remaining colors, which I presume are displayed in a flag somewhere and assure you that I actually know and haven't forgotten, are deeply symbolic. The colors of the flag symbolize Kwanzaa.

Contents

[edit] The Man Who Invented Kwanzaa

A black child while opening his Kwanzaa gifts. Of course purchased after 25 of December because of clearance sales.
A man of justice. A man of action. A man of honor. His name: Pimp Daddy Slick William. Summons by hookers back in the 1970's, Daddy Slick thought of a way to pimp his business. He offered free ho's for the 8 days after Christmas to let the brothas have free pussy for the days after Christmas since they didn't reacieve shit from Santa's wife. Then every year there after, the holiday just form itself into one stupid nonsense not having the free pussy that Daddy Slick once visioned for the bruthas. That's all there is really.
The Black Santa Clause, Daddy SLick WIlliams with his two ho's he gave away during the 8 day of Kwanza.

[edit] Conspiracy

During World War II, a plot was devised by Nazi guild leader Dale Winton to destroy the negroliday known as Kwanzaa. The plan was to first invent and then fly a 747 airplane into the 3rd basement floor of the Pentagon which would then cause America to forget Kwanzaa ever existed. A cunning plan really...but then, disaster struck. Winton was hit by a meteor the size of a golfball and the Nazi uprising was conquered by the russians and their vodka. But! Years later, the notorious Charles Manson discovered the plans Churchhill had made while he was flossing his teeth one day in the pentagon (yea the fucking retard hid his plans at ground zero hahahah n00b) and then created an organization bent on fulfilling the plans, to prevent Helter Skelter. To this day it is widely believed that Charlie Mansons fan club is still trying to bring down this joyous, festive day of niggerness...

[edit] Popular Kwanzaa Carols:

Jingle bling
Kwanzaaclause is coming to town
Oh kwanzaa tree
Ol' micky-dizzle had a farm
T'was the night before kwanzaa
Little town of compton
Three chiefs of Africa
12 days of kwanzaa
Shugamamma got run over by a cadillac
How the white man stole kwanzaa
I believe in kwanzaaclause
Jinglebling rap
Lil' drumma foo
I'm dreaming of a black kwanzaa
Frosty Da nigga
Oh com all yee negros
Its Black as shit outside
Lets eat chicken
And a 30 second jingle about the meaning of Kwanzaa, sung by Prince
Salty Cracker
Shoes on a electric line
Hot Damn! I Love Watermelons!
Ashy Santa
Santas racist Jesus is black no made what you say

Get off my lawn whitey

suck my balls nigger Ballin Nuts Roasting Over An Open Fire
I'm on a Boat

The two kings Martian and Rodney 


frosty da nigga

was a happy jolly soul

with crystalmeth pipe and a broken nose

and two eyes that look like coal

frosty da nigga was a sketchy man they say

He was made of snow but the children

Know how he came to life one day.

There must have been some magic in that

Old sketch bag they found.

For when they placed in his pipe

He began to dance around.

O, Frosty da nigga

Was alive as he could be,

And the children say he could laugh

And play just the same as you and me.

...and then he needed another fix and raped a white woman

[edit] Kwanzaa Today

Graph Detailing The Popularity of Kwanzaa (Eyes Added For Dramatic Effect)

Kwanzaa's popularity has diminished recently, probably due to the trend that better December holidays are springing up all the time: Festivus, Annual Non-Religious Gift-Giving Day (i.e., Giftmas), Hangover Eve, The Festival of Zorvfus, Chinese Thanksgiving, Death of Autumn Celebration, and The Feast of 1,000 Holidays.

Spike Lee and Hallmark have collaborated in sponsoring Kwanzaa Awareness programs. Hallmark benefiting from the holiday lull between Christmas and Valentines Day, and Spike Lee getting floor seats at the Knicks game from Hallmark (inside a "I heard you helped us whore a holiday" card).

Because black people are not creative (see Libya) they stole the jewish candle holder menorah from a [Hanukkah]] party and it be that ever since, celebrators of Kwanzaa employ a similar candle holder. It appears much like an orange block of wood with 8 black candles. The orange block symbolizes the desert while the 8 black candles symbolize the 8 mighty tribes of Africa, also cocks. This item is known as the "Kwanzalabra".

A great success of Kwanzaa has been the file-sharing aspect. Kwanzaa has allowed black and white alike, not to mention computer-manic asians, access to free music without ever entering the record store. Downloading from Kwanzaa allows everyone to build their music, film, and software holdings as fast as they can hit "enter". Kwanzaa therefore is a gift to everyone, everywhere in the world. It is truly a holiday to be embraced in the spirit of getting. Kwanzaa is a great benefit to the economy when one considers all the money injected into the economy that otherwise would be spent on music, films, and software.

Nissan Motors has announced their wholehearted support for the holiday with the production of the Nissan Qazana. "It is a gift to the driving world," said a company spokesman. Free cars will be offered in every year for Kwanzaa celebrations, as long as the applications are postmarked on November 31.

[edit] Kwanzaa Kuotes

“Happy Holidays, black people! Turn on the Christmas Tree! Light the Hannukah Menorah! Um, uh, activate the, um, Kwanzaa apparatus.”

~ Nat X on Kwanzaa

“Who cares if Jesus wasn't really born on Christmas, you think Kwanzus was really born on Kwanzaa? Hell no.”

~ Grampa Freeman on Kwanzaa

“Why the hell do think we celebrate Kwanzaa? More friggin gifts after Christmas screw Kwanzaa.”

~ Johnny Rocketfingers on Kwanzaa

[edit] What is Kwanzaa?

No, that isn't a rhetorical question. What the hell is Kwanzaa anyways? All anyone says is it's some Black version of Hannukkah or whatever. Seriously. Has anybody even heard of someone who celebrates Kwanzaa?

[edit] How To Spell Kwanzaa

Kwanzaa can be spelled:

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