Kurt Cobain
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Source] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
Kurt Cobain was the lead singer/guitarist for a 1980's-1990's grunge band Nirvana. Sent by Satan himself to kill all the youth of the world, Kurt Cobain invented a powerfully seductive music genre known as "Grunge" which allowed him to control the minds of these youths, forcing them to wear flannel shirts, murder their parents, and eat their rotting carcasses. With the success of Nirvana's single "Smells Like Steamed Carrots," Kurt attempted to kill his listeners by leading them to a massive world-wide suicide that was to take place on April 5, 1994. Fortunately, there was a world-wide malfunction with CD players that day due to a massive sun storm, and Kurt Cobain was the only one that took part in the attempted mass-suicide.
Contents |
Birth
Kurt Cobain was born in Hell on January 29, 1946, as a firstborn son between a demon named Adolf Hitler and a poltergeist named Mary Tudor. Educated by damned Nazi scientists since age 5, he received his Doctorate in Human Manipulation at age 20. At age 21, his soul was incarnated here on earth near the Aberdeen, Washington area on February 20, 1967. His purpose: To corrupt and destroy the youth of the world.
Childhood/Adolescence
Kurt Cobain was incarnated into the body of a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. All through his childhood he went from family to family, each set of foster parents more despising and less tolerable of him than the last. At home he would constantly be breaking things, violating the household dog, and bringing home guitars from who knows where. He had a nag for getting in trouble at school, particularly for ripping other kids necks open and devouring their insides. Cobain would be suspended numerous times for doing this. At age 12, he wore his first flannel shirt and realized the awesome power of it. The shirt alone could be used to encourage other teenage kids to become lazy, disgruntled, rebellious headbangers. Kurt wore flannel shirts every day after realizing this, and saw that when they were worn with old beat-up torn jeans, you could really market it as the bare minimum of what you could call a style . At age 13, while playing on a stolen guitar, he learned his first power chord and realized that he could compose entire songs with them, as well as entire albums without any real talent or effort what so ever. It was around this time that he formed his first and last rock band: Nirvana.
Formation of Nirvana
Having known a boy from school who played bass guitar after months of stalking, Kurt finally asked a young Krist Novaselic if he wanted to join his band Nirvana. Krist said sure, and they began to go to his house every day after school to practice some songs. Among the first songs to be written by the Kurt and Krist include classics that would go on to be some of the bands signature songs like "Bitch Betta Have My Money," "Fuck Da Police," and "Whitey Be Keepin' Me Down." Dave Grohl would later join the band after being intrigued at their performance at the annual Christmas Day Parade in Seattle, Washington. Dave Grohl, former member of the Canadian Bluegrass band, Brokeback Mountain, loved Kurt's inhumanly-shrilling voice right from the start, and would later attempt to emulate it when he formed his own rock band, the Food Fighters. By this time it was 1985, and Kurt had been legally kicked out of his foster parents' house because he was 18. He moved into a run-down, stinky, former crack house in the ghetto part of Seattle; the rent was $50 a month. He applied for a respectable position in the Seattle Office of Economic Development, and to his surprise, they accepted his application. He was now their new janitor.
Death
Attending officer John P. Thomas filed in his police report the day Kurt died "remind wife to keep skin off the chicken". It was an unfortunate mixup as his wife received a reminder detailing Kurt's murder and henceforth flushed it down the toilet. This in turn spawned many a conspiracy theory regarding his death as the police report detailing his death remains the aforementioned mysterious and seemingly coded message. Courtney Love's fingerprints were also found on the shotgun in question, particularly in the trigger area, but since fingerprint checks were taken days, nay, weeks after the incident, it was discounted as 'circumstantial evidence', with 90% of the officers unaware of what 'circumstantial' meant. It is still not fully known how Kurt Cobain died. Courtney Love is, however, a key suspect. Many cults see this "murder" as absolute evidence of God and his method of disposing of unbelievers by use of the "Holy Buckshot". He is one several people who committed suicide by means of marrying Courtney Love.
Kurt Cobain died when he was just 27, making him a member of the notoroius 27 club which includes Jimi Hendrix and Barry Scott who meet for tea every thursday morning and occasionally play some bridge.
Aftershock of His Death
At the time of his death in 1994, millions of high school girls around the world (who were huge fans of his now-famous "Uncle Kurt's Half-Baked Hash-Cakes") skipped school to recover from the loss of their culinary idol. At the same time, high school boys thought that since the girls would be thinking less about Kurt, they might actually get laid. Of course, some were mildly successful, but the majority of those still sex-deprived teenage boys joined together to slowly evolve into a lower form of humanity we now know as emos.
Many detectives were sent forth to solve the mystery behind Kurt's death. Hercule Poirot, Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, that guy from Frost and Osama Bin Laden were just a few of the Chief Investigators on duty in 1994. Osama Bin Laden was, however, taken off the case very quickly for being a terrorist. He is now forbidden from taking part in police investigations and banned from committing terrorist acts for 1 month. Despite the strong team of lawyers, presidents, detectives, inspectors, chief evaluators and daleks that have worked tirelessly to discover the cause of Kurt's death, there has been no irrefutable evidence suggesting how he died. There have, however, been some proven/disproven rumours circulating which were verified by Hitler.
Legacy
Cobain's dishes and menus continue to be enjoyed worldwide, and are served in high rotation in many popular mainstream restaurants. He has gathered somewhat of a cult following amongst young, rebellious kitchen-hands and is widely regarded as a culinary martyr.
Despite the chef's apparent death, he has been sighted occasionally over the years, and rumors continue to circulate that he has been hiding in Canada as recently as August 2007. Photos taken by a secret paparazzi suggest that he is filming a video on airline food, known as Peanut Brittle On a Plane.
Also, these rumors have led a Canadian cult to create a religion that they call "Cobainism". It has been said that the "cult" began somewhere near Odessa, Ontario. Members of this religion spend their days worshipping Kurt from closet effigies/shrines.
