Kung Fu
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“Watch me do my crouching-tiger, hidden-dragon style.”
~ Some Douche Bag on Kung Fu
“OMG! i hit myself. dude, get my cell and call my mom.”
~ Aforementioned Douche Bag on Kung Fu
“Because I founded It, I have the right to change it.”
~ King Fu on Kung Fu
“Those cunts were fast as lightning.”
~ Carl Douglas on Cat Style Kung Fu
Contents |
[edit] Overview
Simpl. Chinese: "Kung", "martial arts", Dingbat: "✔✌✇", /qûn/ and "Fu", Cantonese: administrative rank [defunct], Dingbat: "✈✧❤➴", /Þµfførd/; [often mistaken for "Chung Fu", Czech: "Way of Popsicle Stick in Eye" although completely unrelated]) is a supernatural martial arts system developed in China to defend against Ninjas from Japan and Ninja Gaijin from elsewhere. Kung Fu originally means "Fuck You Chinese Motherfucker Because You Put Your Fucking Nunchaku To My Nose". Besides fighting techniques, Kung Fu comprises several philosophical concepts to enable Kung Fu students to become stuntmen. During their 55-years long, rigorous training, adepts of Kung Fu learn the two highly guarded secrets of Kung Fu:
- Make their limbs swoosh dramatically with even the slightest movement.
mind bulletstelekinesis
In contrast to the rest of the world, all Chinese are born with perfect Kung Fu skills. Before the communist revolution China's government was a duelocracy with all important matters settled with high flying, high drama fights. Important government positions were filled by people who could beat up the former holders of those positions. While the system was free from bureaucracy, corruption and excess it was hard on the furniture, walls and almost anything made of wood. During a heated debate on economic policy parliament collapsed (literally) when minister Yu Wen used his Iron Pillar Standing on Cloud attack to send vice-minister Gen Fang through the building's last load bearing wall. This led to discontent cumulating in Chairman Mao's "This is why can't we have nice things." rally in 1936.
Kung fu was introduced to America during the latter days of the Wild West by kung-fu master Kwai Chang Caine, who changed his name to "David Carradine" during his immigration proceedings. during a tragic fondue pot accident Kwai Chang Caine acquired two scars on his forearms that resembled a tiger and a dragon. This caused him a great deal of trouble as the especially stupid cowboys working for the Tiger and Dragon Ranch mistook him for an unusually lanky branded calf and attempted return him to the herd or put a big cowbell around his neck. Caine would kung-fu the shit out of these guys on a weekly basis for almost three seasons (and later in syndication) and, as a joke, snatch their pebbles. This plague of monk on cowboy violence eventually brought an end to the old west lifestyle. That's why you don't see too many cowboys around any more.
Many decades later a perfect balance of cowboy and fighting monk would be synthesized by Texas A&M University but it was too late. Now you know where have all the cowboys gone.
A dramatic kung fu film
[edit] History
[edit] The Legend of Zen Master Zen (unconfirmed)
The legend of "Zen Master Zen, the first master of Zen Fu, who was a master of Zen and had the title of Zen Master" is an ancient Chinese tale from the Chinese province of Zen that was originally written by monks of the Zen order on 10.000 sheets of donkey meat with their feet using the (now defunct) traditional Wing Ding scripture and for countless generations has been passed on by the traditional art of painting Panda bears.
It goes that an early master of Kung Fu was legendary Zen master Zen, who came from India to China around 600 AD being sick of lousy curry and with desire for more fried-shrimp-rice and Chinese women. Fed up with sexual repression and those interminable behavior protocols one has to go through in order to score with Indian chicks, he found the perspective of becoming a stuntman much more appealing.
After having a dysfunctional experience with Emperor Wu's insufferable court of eunuchs, he was forced to flee to the hills. He found a cave where he proceeded to sit facing a wall for nine years. Legend has it that one day a young man named Hui Neng Fong Chuck Wai Iu So Fat Et Lon Choi Buck Shrimp Fried Rice approached him and demanded to be accepted as a student, but initially, Zen Master Zen was not interested, as he was too engrossed in determining the future of the wall he was facing,Kung Fu, the associated business possibilities connected to the future of Kung Fu and his ability to see into his own future lives. While realizing that a future incarnation of his would be the Green Hornet, and that Kato - none other than Bruce Lee himself - was to be his student, Hui suddenly chopped off his hand and threw it in Zen Master Zen's lap.
"Ah," intoned the Zen master Zen, "you have finally come! All my life I've waited for someone with such dedication!"
"Never mind," grimaced Hui. "Just teach me already before I bleed to death."
Zen Master Zen set about teaching the eager young one-handed man and soon found him to be a man of immense natural talent; for example, the legend says that he knew how to scream KiYahaaaaaa! while contorting one side of his face up by heart and the sound of his voice almost never dubbed up to his lip movement. Zen Master Zen proceeded to teach him the ancient arts of combat he had learned in India. This combat actually derived from Buddhist monks fighting off India's giant malaria ridden mosquitos. In the course of flailing at them, they soon discovered how to hit the bastards most quickly and efficiently. They learned how to make drop kicks, roundhouse kicks, side kicks, Chow Mein, wraps, sweet and sour chicken, cream of Sum Yung Guy soup and shrimp fried rice besides a plethora of other, even more secret and sinister martial art techniques.
The saga concludes that Hui Neng carried on the torch of his old master. He is prophecized to reincarnate after 1400 years under the name of Uma Thua Man, where his mission will be to kill the first guy to cross his path who is either called "Zen" or "Bill" (but not both) and transmutate to the higher level of existence as Gay Jinn afterwards.
Modern Kung Fu as we know it today was created a few centuries later.
[edit] Ranking
Similar to karate's dan (colorful belt) rankings levels of Kung Fu training are displayed via beard. A beard ranking is expressed by both the length and whiteness of the practitioner's beard. The following beard chart explains the six beard ranks of Kung Fu.
Some charlatans may try to pose as Kung Fu masters or grandmasters through the usage of a false beard. If there is any doubt, tug the beard firmly. If the beard slips off the imitator will be exposed as a false Kung Fu master and suitably punished by the authorities. If you get swiftly kicked to a bloody pulp by someone with a still firmly attached beard you can be assured that you are in the presence of a true kung fu master.
[edit] The 8 (Or So) Styles of Kung-Fu
All kung-fu styles were developed after studying the movements of animals and have animal names. The techniques are passed down from master to master in secret manuals that consist mainly of pictures of animals. The ability to decipher a complex fighting system from animal pictures is the sign of a true master (beside the beards).
It's sort of like one of those magic eye things if they could give you the ability to tear a man's spleen out with your bare hands.
 [edit] Drunken Monkey StyleOriginally designed by master Hu-Flung-Pu after noticing that people fight pretty well when drunk, yet lose the ability to use all but the most basic motor skills. Using double-blind studies involving lab monkeys and alcohol Master Pu rigorously tested and refined it into the popular technique known today. This style combines the blind rage of a monkey with the blind rage of an alcoholic step dad. It's double blind nature makes it the most scientific of kung-fu styles. It relies mainly on agility, opposable thumbs and prehensile toes. Instead of a standard lesson plan it is taught in a twelve step program. There are two rival schools of thought about this kung-fu style. It must either be learned drunk and practiced sober of learned sober and practiced drunk depending on who you ask and how sober they are when you ask them. |
 [edit] Crouching Tiger Style Roy of Sigfried and Roy was hospitalized by an unknown master of Crouching Tiger Style kung-fu. His lover is currently searching for a long bearded master somewhere in Asia in hopes of avenging him. Crouching Tiger Style kung-fu relies mainly on knees and uppercuts. Also scratching and crouching. |
 [edit] Kangaroo StyleThis kung-fu style is is the only style native to Australia and is inspired by marsupials and Australian Rules Football, making it fucking hardcore. Unlike Drunken Monkey kung-fu, it is both learned and practiced while drunk. As shown in the illustration to the right a common technique in Kangaroo Style kung-fu is to distract your opponent with a levitating camera, then sucker punching them. Rumors of an Australian Drop Bear style of kung-fu have been disproven by the fact that not everyone in the world has been kung-fu'ed to death. Such a style, if it did exist, would be unstoppable. |
[edit] Horse Style After the sudden fall of the Qin Dynasty the technique was refined by retired horsemen during the Han dynasty. Slowly and systematically they eliminated the technique's major shortcomings. First, the problem of height: Attacking infantry with Horse Style kung-fu was difficult because you'd have to lean over to punch them, but then you'd have to let go of the bridle and the horse you were riding would roam off in a random direction, away from battle. Kicking was equally problematic . You couldn't get much acceleration since the horse between your thighs got in the way and if you kicked too hard it would take that as a signal to charge, again taking you rapidly away from the battle. Don't even get me started on head-butting problems. Different solutions such as riding the horses in trenches, sawing your horse's legs off, riding small, thin horses and riding large dogs were tried before the horse was abandoned from Horse Style kung-fu entirely. The second problem, overcoming the reach advantage of enemy swords and polearms was solved by only starting fights with unarmed people. The third problem, the sudden lack of horses in Horse Style kung-fu, was solved by wearing horse masks while training (see above diagram) and pretending that Horse Style kung-fu never involved horses in the first place.  [edit] Flying Bear Style Back then Non-flying Bear Style kung-fu was gaining popularity because people figured "Hey, bears can slap the shit out of anyone, therefore, any bear based kung-fu must be good." The flaw in this theory is that bears depend primarily on being: A) very large and B) bears when they fight. Humans fighting in the style of bears faced a significant disadvantage. The missing ingredient in making Non-flying Bear Style kung-fu a viable fighting technique is to make up for the user's non-bear shortcomings by displaying aerial prowess in a manner opposite that of a bear, that is to say not at all. Note that flying bare style kung-fu is not a recognized style by any respectable dojo, competitive organization or hidden mountain temple so keep your pants the hell on. Famous masters of Flying Bear Style Kung-Fu are; Winnie the Pooh, Kung Fu Panda, Baloo (from Jungle Book- You know the one, yeah, that one), that bear from Dr.Dolittle, Chuck Norris,Genghis Khan, The Rock (who is half bear), Jimmy from South Park, Every current and former member of the U.S. Marine Corps since its founding in 238 B.C., George bush, Adam & the Ants and Oscar Wilde. The last three will fiercly oppose this truth, dont believe them, they are sworn to secrecy by Winnie the Pooh (current chairman of the IUFBSKFGFOTW- International, Universal Flying Bear Style Kung-Fu Global Federation Of The World) Lest they face a beating from his junior subject- Anne Widdecombe, who is due to undergo her "Licensed Kung Fuist" test in August. [edit] To-FuTo-fu is a modern kung-fu style developed by Bruce Lee. This rare fighting style can only be learned through an exclusive set of mail order cassette tapes with diagram booklet and free Bruce Lee poster included.
By developing a fighting style that's bland but healthy, versatile and highly adaptable to it's surroundings the To-Fu master is ready for anything. With the addition of proper ingredients To-Fu can resemble other animal styles though it's lack of solidity gives it away as an ersatz replacement. [edit] Orc-fu'DA ORCZ IZ ERE! GET REDY 4 WAARRRGH!' An orc on war, orc fu, and the general intelligence of orcs. Orc fu is the ancient style of talking someone into submission. Users of this noble art include shrek the ogre, arnold swartzenginger, gordon brown and Alexander the great the second. Paper is a form of wood. Y'know, you can back-track, fast-track and side-track, but you can't forward track. Isn't that interesting? rinse and repeat. Alexander the great the second on the using of Orc-fu. A student who masters all of the techniques, To-Fu being the last and most diffcult, is given the title of "Royal Lard of the Chinese Empire" during a ceremony staged by a complete Bollywood movie cast, this guy and 5 Million donkeys with typewriters singing the national anthem of the People's Republic of China. He is then allowed to wear full Kung Fu master regalia including a Safran-colored Chinese Cheese and a T-shirt of Bob. [edit] Obligatory Uncyclopedia References for Articles of This Type
[edit] See Also
[edit] Sources[edit] Chinese Kung Fu
[edit] American Kung Fu
[edit] External links |
