Kryptonite (Earth element)

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Kryptonite (Earth element).

Every year, novelty gift shops sell their messiah repellant drink mix

Kryptonite is a radioactive element with the symbol Ky, an atomic number of 36, and an average atomic mass of 48. It is often found in a solid, crystalline state. Kryptonite does not naturally occur on earth. It is most often found in meteoroids that were created when a sewage treatment plant and middle school in Hoboken, New Jersey exploded. Kryptonite is notable for the odd, and often detrimental, effects that its radiation has on messianic figures.

edit Green Kryptonite

Green Kryptonite is the most common form of Kryptonite, and its liquid form is used extensively as a solvent in brain washing. Its radiation quickly breaks down the cells of any messiah within three to four meters.[1] The most famous use of green Kryptonite was by the Italian gangster Longinus who stabbed Jesus in the side with a lance tipped with green Kryptonite. This lance would later be taken by one A. Hitler to strip the Justice Saints of America of their powers and mind control them during the second great war.

Many crucifixes are made out of green Kryptonite. Such objects have the power to repel both messiahs and vampires.

edit Red Kryptonite

Red kryptonite is believed to be green kryptonite that has passed through a damn dirty communist and has soiled its clean pure capitalist matrix. This Marxist matrix has a strange mutating effect on any messiah who touches it. Jesus, just before being stabbed from behind by Longinus, put on a beret lined with red kryptonite. After being hung out to dry, Jesus mutated into a powerful and strange Zombie Jesus who had the amazing powers of invisibility, and the third level spell Phase Through Any Rock Shaped Object. Jesus’ descendants later retconed the beret into a crown of thorns, during the first Crisis in Infinite Jerusalems event.

In the show Smallville, Red kryptonite causes anti-gayness in Gay-Clark. Clark is normally a loser who is usually shy around girls, but when he comes into contact with Red kryptonite, he is instantly cool and prone to bone bitches.

edit Gold Kryptonite

Gold kryptonite is the only amorphous, instead of crystalline, formation of kryptonite. It was formed when molten kryptonite was cooled rapidly when showered with urinal water. Chemists disagree about the reasoning behind this, but one popular hypothesis is that this kryptonite was degraded by its mother, and can only find sexual satisfaction through its own degradation. Others feel gold kryptonite is just nasty.

Gold kryptonite has the power to strip a messiah of their magical powers and is a powerful and effective weapon in the hands of any supervillian. The robotic constructs Janet “Shakes” Reno used it to execute her nefarious plans in the crossover Assault on General Zod and the Waco Warriors .

edit Blue Kryptonite

Blue kryptonite is interesting because it doesn’t have any effect on most messiahs. When near a zombie messiah, however, it cancels out their flesh rotting disease, and satiates their normally undying hunger for human flesh. The apostle Thomas was known to carry around a shard of blue kryptonite, just in case he ran into a zombie messiah less accepting of being poked in their new holes.

edit Rare kryptonite

These forms of kryptonite are very rare, and usually only have appeared in one issue.

  • Pink: Pink kryptonite turns a messiah gay (No, really. This isn't a joke).
  • Black: Black kryptonite has the power to split a messiah in half, forming an antimessiah. The only known use of this was in the Book of Revelation, when the game master didn’t plan for this week, and just had to “whip something up”.
  • Purple Purple kryptonite is that which has fallen onto Paradise Island and causes messiahs to undergo gender reassignment faster than a speeding scalpel and more powerfully than a locomotive full of hormones. The only mention of this form is in a recently discovered Gnostic text, the The Book of The Messiah's Secret Wife Lois Lane. The Catholic Church and fans alike consider this an Elseworlds title, and as such, not canon.
  • Menthol: Menthol kryptonite was developed under the incorrect assumption that kryptonite was ten times stronger than crack or kitten huffing, black computer programming and chemistry savant Richard Pryor hoped to artificially reproduce the element. Lacking an unknown base element, he improvised by replacing it with tar and came up with a tasty new flavor. Menthol kryptonite is smoother than regular kryptonite and all the hip black dudes on your block will look cool smoking it. Side effects include a tendency to replicate an evil twin which typically spawns forth from your anus. Luckily no one give a pack to Lois Lane, or else the messiah would be quite dead by now from the second hand smoke and the Kryptonite stains on the furniture.

edit Footnotes

  1. Messiahs who choose not to use the metric system can use cubits or feet, as appropriate.
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