Krypton
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“in Soviet Russia Krypton Explode You!”
~ Russian Reversal on Krypton
- This article refers to Krypton the ex-planet. For the element Krypton (it's a gas, gas, gas), see the Idiotic Table of the Elements.
Krypton was a planet that exploded years ago on the other side of the galaxy. For reasons unknown to science, pieces and people from this planet only ever end up on Earth.
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[edit] History and People
Not much is known of the history of Krypton, other than that it is where Superman is from. Superman's father, Jar-El, launched his son into space because he wouldn't behave. The child was uncontrollable due to his father's inability to put down the bottle. Little did he know that shortly after, the planet would explode, due to his wife forgetting to turn off the gas on the stove, and selfishly lighting a cigarette.
Most of the rest of the people of Krypton were severely exploded, and died as a result. Four other people escaped, however. General Zod and his two cohorts escaped in a pane of glass. Though their vessel resembled a Queen album cover, the travelers inside looked more like an evil version of the Bee Gees. Kim Jong-Il also sent along Krypto the Superdog to earth. Once on Earth Krypto flew around and marked his territory as he saw fit. The dog catchers called in found themselves in over their heads on this one. Although there was room in Superman's ship for another baby rather than a dog, Kim, much as his son would become, was a dick, and Superman needed a pet.
The fourth person to "survive" the explodation of Krypton was Supergirl, also called "Princess Leia", who was aboard the Death Star at the time. She could have saved the planet but was too busy making out with her brother Luke in an attempt to make Indiana Jones jealous.
Kim Jong-Il plans to recolonize Krypton. How he plans to do this without a planet is still unknown. However, it is believed that part of his plan involves the game Starcraft. Rumors have leaked that Kim has started his reconstruction plans by buying a bottle of whiskey and a subscription to a dirty magazine company we wont mention.
[edit] Reasons for Exploditization
In 1976, the Galactic Empire, seeking to gain answers about the location of a rebel base, destroyed Krypton using the Death Star. It was believed that Supergirl had the information, but refused to disclose it, because she secretly enjoys watching planets explode while listening to Rod Stewart. There was also plans for a ABBA revival tour on Krypton, but that had to be canceled due to the mass exploditization that occurred.
[edit] Kryptonian Powers
Kryptonians are naturally blessed with all forms of super powers. These powers include Imperviousnicity, Superstrength, Power Attack, Cleave, Spring Attack, Point Blank Shot, Hypersonic Speed, Impotence (if incredibly unlucky), and the Superman Ally Team Ability which allows them to ignore hindering terrain. In addition to these powers, Kryptonians are capable of making up their own powers on the fly as needed. Superman once gave himself the power to turn the 'S' on his costume into super-strong plastic wrap to keep his enemies at bay and the power of going back on time by making the Earth spin opposite ("Ssssssh, calm down, mr. Einstein, it was just a bad dream. Go back to your coffin now.") Superman can also wear his costume without everyone else laughing at him. Thankfully Superman loses his powers temporarily when exposed to red filtered sunlight. This has allowed him to disappoint Lois in bed many times. He of course lies to her that he will do better next time. It is only because of his hypnotic powers that she even wastes her time in bed with him in the first place.
[edit] Kryptonian Dickery
All people from Krypton will use their powers in their perfection of the art of dickery. This trait is often displayed through actions or inactions that place friends, relatives, and entire planets in dire jeopardy. Whether it be stopping their friends from gaining wealth or popularity, or boiling away a lake that children like to play in, dickery is always a top priority among Kryptonians. This has led many people to believe in Karmic reasons for the demise of the planet, which is substantiated by the fact that Supergirl could have prevented its destruction by revealing the location of the base, or simply using her super powers just a little.
[edit] Kryptonian weaknesses
Kryptonians are highly allergic to exploding planets, and attractive amazonian women that could actually make super peepees squirt.
| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Freddie Mercury / Mercury | Venus | Earth/Lyons/iEarth/World (The Moon) | Disney World | Planet Hollywood | Mars | Planet Google | Globe | Roseanne | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus / Youranus / Myanus | Neptune |
| Confirmed (Extrasolar): Uncyclopedia | Darwin IV | Discworld | Lexicon | Wikipedia | Pizza Planet | Polkadottia | Gliese 581 c | 55 Cancri e |
| Dwarf planets: Ceres | Pluto | 2003 UB313 | |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron |
| Denied by CIA: Irk | Krypton | Michigan | Neopia | Tiamat | Nibiru | Magrathea |
| In a galaxy far, far away: |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Earth | Qo'noS | xxEarth Cxx |
| Loner Planets: Wisconsin | Your Mom |
