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“I kill time by screwing people. Apparently sex is a major turn off for Time.”
Kronocide is the correct term for the act of "killing time." Despite the fact that kronocide constitutes the act of killing something, it's not something you'd expect people outside Dexter Morgan, Lord Voldemort, Adolf Hitler and OJ Simpson to do very often. But you may be surprised to know that people actually do it when they have nothing else to do. It's amazing how heatless people can be isn't it.
Time, despite the fact that it is one of the most crucial elements of the universe, the others being space, matter, and coffee, is treated with a startling lack of respect. It's one of the few things, besides insects, rats, chickens and jokes that people don't seem to mind killing in the slightest. People do it on a whim when they have nothing else to do! Terrible isn't it.
The term gets its name from the character Kronos, a deity who was the personification of time in Greek mythology, which means that Kronocide actually constitutes a form of deicide as well. Shocking. Anyway, yes.
It has been asked by various metaphysicists, scientists, philosophers and other such randomers, how it is possible to kill an abstract force. This question was answered by the great pixie genius, Opal Koboi who put forth the obvious solution, that Time, like most entities in our universe, is an intuitive organism, that is to say, a life-form.
There are many ways of killing Time. Listening to one's I-POD, reading books, watching television, and writing pointless articles such as this one on Uncyclopedia all seem to have a fatal effect on Time.
Some people (mostly evil geniuses) will go to astonishing lengths to kill Time. Davros, from Doctor Who for instance, sought to bring an end to all Time and space by activating a Doomsday Device he called The Reality Bomb and no it's not what happens when you mix Vodka and Whiskey, it's a reaction that disrupts and cancels out the electric field that binds together all atoms, molecules and general matter, in the universe. By activating the Reality Bomb, Davros would be able to reduce all of matter to oblivion, affectively plunging creation back into primordial darkness and bringing about an end to Time.
And to think, he could have just listened to his I-Pod.
Were it not for Time, everything would happen at once, thereby resulting in abject, complete and utter chaos. Given the number of time (ha, I amuse myself) Time has been killed, this would explain the current state of society. However Time does still seem to exist. There certainly isn't much of it but events seem to flow in a vaguely continuous pattern, with past, present and future and so on. Occasionally the three do seem to be blended, such as when you're in the shower, getting ready for work but the basics are still there. Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow and so forth. Therefore Time still exists. And yet people seem to kill it all the time (ha, I amuse myself). Does this mean we're not killing Time at all? There are several plausible explanations.
The Phoenix Effect
Time has regenerative healing capabilities. Whenever it dies, it immediately comes back to life, like The Phoenix from Greek mythology, rising from its own ashes, or Kenny from South Park, getting killed in every episode and just coming back in the next unharmed. This would explain where Time Lords get their regenerative capabilities.
The Global Warming Effect
Scientists have suggested that every time (ha, I amuse myself) someone kills Time, regeneration becomes more difficult for it, meaning that we are permanently damaging Time. Eventually, Time may well pack it in altogether and then we'll really be buggered! Therefore, we are not only killing our planet (hence the somewhat dubious title of this section), we are killing Time as well.
By now you should have realised what a cruel and dangerous thing, Kronocide is. And yet you just did it! After all, you've just read this article! Therefore you can't have much to do with your time (ha, I amuse myself) and so you are killing Time, to pass the time (okay, it's getting old now) !
You vicious, Kronocidal maniac, you!