Kristen Stewart

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Stewart (aka K-Stew, the K-Master and Satan) was born in 1901 to loving parents, re-united by the Jeremy Kyle show. In 1935, she became a middle eastern spy, but didn't achieve worldwide fame until the mid-2000's with the critically condemned novel Twilight, in which she plays Edward Cullen. Kristen Stewart also created a series of DVD's, emphasizing the importance of public speaking; an area in which she is extremely talented.


edit Early Years

As a child, Kristen has been said to enjoy normal childhood activities such as Hide and Seek, Hopscotch and Murder. In fact, at the age of 5 she sacked the entirety of the Roman Empire, leaving them penniless and without hope. Kristen's parents were secret Terrorists and helped in the crucifiction of Jesus. Her love affair with Robert Pattinson lead to a disaster of apocalyptic proportions in which Kristen was left helpless... in the arms of her director, Rupert Saunders. In fact, this love affair sparked public interest and caused the novel twilight (which is why it is often referred to as the Twilight Saga.

In Kristen Stewart's latest autobiography, "The Cat in The hat", she states that her life has been split in to three distinct portions, each with an intergalactic metaphorical meaning - New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.


edit K-Stew's "New Moon"

Life is hard, school was hard, but so are Robert's abs - New Moon, Page 666

In this phase of her existence, K-Stew describes herself as a primitive being with less culture than yogurt. In fact, when asked about what the words New Moon really meant, K-Stew could only say the following - "It was like a... ahh... film... ahhh... Stephanie Meyer wrote a book... and... *bites lower lip*. Recent discoveries can now tell us, however, that Kristen spent these years reading aloud months of the year as her camera man ran around her in a circle. He claims it was a "tedious job, but someone had to do it".

When K-Stew presented herself the Dr phil show recently, we now can reveal that Robert left her at this point of her life causing her to spiral in to a deep depression in which she spent many days curled up on a forest floor which was home to many giant wolves.
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But that wasn't the end for K-Stew, oh no, this was merely the beginning. She ends up becoming suicidal twice in three days, once jumping off a cliff for the sheer adrenaline rush (instead of her normal exercise of BDSM) and then running in to some tyrannical Italian's who didn't like people sparkling in the sunlight. Being an avid arts and crafts enthusiast, majoring in glitter, K-Stew was outraged and this is where her campaigning began.


edit K-Stew's Weight Gain aka "Eclipse"

"I love Robert, and Taylor, and myself. But who do I love more? Probably myself. And KFC" - Eclipse, Page 33.8

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In 2007, Kristen went AWOL for a few months. Nobody could locate her, not even Robert. She was declared hide and seek champion of the world over the previous victor Osama bin Laden. But then disaster struck. President Kim Jong-il of the United States of America duly noted that the sun was beginning to heat up. It was getting hot in here, so hot, so everyone was taking off all their clothes. The world was in a state of panic, disorder and chaos. Fortunately, K-Stew was discovered devouring KFC in the basement of Pope Benedict XVI and had gained a few too many pounds for her best friend, Jenny Craig to help her with. Fortunately for the USA, her sheer globular nature was perfect for blocking out the sun, 'Eclipsing" it as one might say. So K-Stew saved the world once more without it even being noticed by any Newspapers, Tv Shows or Conspiracy Theorists.


edit Breaking Dawn: K-Stew adopts a child

In 2010 K-Stew, realizing that her fame had dropped tremendously, jumped on the celebrity bandwagon of adopting children from overseas. Her great grand daughter Angelina Jolie helped her in the process, and after 4 and 1/3 years of torment, waiting and playing hacky sack, K-Stew adopted a beautiful baby daughter named "Dawn" or as she was nicknamed, "Renesme". However, one day when the beloved Kristen was OTP, she came home drunk and mistaking baby Dawn for a towel, placed her in the drier and left it running for half an hour. Both her child, and Drier, were left Broken. Kristen was truly breaking Dawn.


edit K-Stew's Political Career

More recently, K-Stew has been interested in Global domination. Forming a team of international supervillains, she plans to become president of the USA and impose constricting laws upon them such as making people Recycle and join Greenpeace to protect our planet. On the scale of evil, researchers have said this to be a 3.2 which is between Adolf Hitler (a notorious 3.5 on the scale of evil) and 50 shades of grey (an understated 3).

K-Stew's political slogan is as such - "Life is hard, and I am a hard ass. It's like simple, vote for me, KStew"

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