Kraid

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“K-r-a-a-a-a-i-d, you don't have to put on a red light.”
~ Sting on Kraid

“Ah, Kraid... had you been a cute-faced young boy and not a fat steaming sack of... AAAAAAAAA! ...but wait... is that your anus?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kraid

“WHAT IS WITH THESE GAY ASS IMPERSONATORS!?!”
~ Godzilla on Kraid
Kraid
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Kraid.

The most famous of all Space Basilica (Basilica spacia), Kraid was the third mayor of Jakarta. Throughout his career, Kraid not only lowered the drinking age to 3, but also battled several dreaded enemies, such as teen pregnancy, Samus Aran, Arnold Schoenberg, and Chuck Norris. Later in her(yes we learned that Kraid is a girl...don't ask how we found out) years, Kraid took over Don King's role as boxing promoter.

edit Legacy

During her tenure as Emperor of native planet Toblerone, Kraid was loved by her subjects. Kraid had great ideas for Prom themes (like Roar and Roooooaaar *fires belly-button lint*). Kraid is know for her "key" role in Metroid, Super Metroid (Metroid 3), Metroid: Zero Mission, Paper Metroid: Feminine Hygine Products, and Preparation M: Pandora Tomorrow. In this forgotten franchise she plays the recurring role of sexy and demure Gatekeeper opposite Rick Moranis's role of Ridley (a.k.a. the KeyMaster) - dual obstacles on the path to Tourian, home of the vile Mario Brothers.

edit Known Powers

Like monsters like Godzilla, GINO, Cloverfield and countless others, she has some known abilities:

  • Breath Ray of Atomic Excommunication
  • Crub Foot Stomp of Death
  • Immunity to bullets
  • Having lived for over ten minutes without getting its ass beat by Chuck Norris
  • Tail Whip of Evil
  • More moves than Vicky Guererro
  • Not being retarded as Batista (Barista)
  • Inability to stop Samus Aran from killing her
  • Being able to shit on you, and you liking it.
  • Stepping on Galaxy Police people
  • Doing the Art of Killing A Bunch of Peoples and getting owned by Samus

edit Intergalactic Interactions

The Basilica Spacia are often misunderstood by the uninformed Space Traveler/Bounty Hunter. Basilica Spacia communicate with each other through minute discolorations of their bellybutton discharges. The irritating roaring they make is actually the noisy discharge from their anus (which looks like a mouth and is susceptible to missiles).

A particularly disastrous record of another galactic species interacting with the Basilica Spacia happened at Zebes State University. Dean Mother Brain (who traces her roots to Hitler's brain preserved by Dr. Mengele back in the 1940's) got tired of a particularly rowdy coed named Samus Aran wreaking havoc on the premises and stealing things (missile tanks and such which CLEARLY belong to the school), so she decided to hire an overweight Basilica named Kraid as a security guard. Demanding free access to the snack machine 24/7 and a free room at Crateria Hall instead of regular pay, Kraid accepted the position. Unfortunately, Kraid entered a severe state of depression shortly after and never came out of his room, eating constantly and watching fat mature pr0n all day. He gained over 500 lbs and became unable to leave his room, thus completely failing to stop Samus whatsoever. Dean Mother Brain got furious, but because she was unable to find a suitable replacement, she kept Kraid for nearly 3 semesters (she couldn't move him out either way because of his obese, gluttonous belly folds).

edit Surviving an encounter with a Basilica Spacia

The best way to defeat a Basilica Spacia is also the only way to defeat a Basilica Spacia - this is known as Cutchin's Razor. Administering a healthy dose (Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y) of Sarlacc Brand X-Lax to the mouth/anus will result in a flood of vomit/diahreaa that would please any sexual deviant, thus leaving the orifice open to missile attacks, screw attacks, and morph-super-drano-bomb-suppository-ball attacks. The true mouth of the Basilica Spacia looks something like Freud's vagina dentata. This, located on the other side of the planet (known as Tatooine), is the resting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc.

edit Mating Habits

A single male Basilica Spacia is born to the species every 100 years. Much smaller than the numerous females, the male Basilica Spacia (or Mini-Kraid) is about the height of a female woman infused with Chozo blood and wearing a Power Suit. Should one of these Phoenix-like characters be killed, the Basilica Spacia would be forced to mate with their Sister-Species the Almighty Sarlacc, or, if worse comes to worse, with Gary Coleman. This latter option is, however, very tricky, as a slew of Space Pirates are required to help operate the necessary Chinese Sex Swing.

edit See Also

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