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Kraft Foods is a cheesy US company. The secret to its success is that some people have a desire to buy cheese from a roadside farm stand in Wisconsin attended by a teenager who is scratching his bottom. And some other people prefer to buy from a large, faceless corporation.
In 2012, Kraft Foods followed the lead of many large United States corporations with nothing better to do than invent ways of keeping earnings offshore to avoid paying tax on them a second time, and split into two companies, creating a new company to hold the international businesses, called Mondelēz.
The name Mondelēz, devised for under $5,000,000 in consulting fees, was designed not to insult anyone in any language. Chief executive Irene Rosenfeld told stockholders that the name was the combination of monde, which means "world" in several places in the world; and lēz, which means, well, you figure it out, but the Board of Directors is majority-female and several strange-looking appliances are often seen on the conference table in the board room, where there is much giggling and occasional moaning. Ms. Rosenfeld insists it is a gavel, nothing more.
In the face of universal confusion, and for only a couple additional million, the international company put a bar over the second ē, as though it were Nestlē. It is called a "diacritical mark" or, in France, a virgule. No one understood this, either, but now they understand that it is a foreign term and no longer worry about its pronunciation.
edit Kraft cheese
Named for the god of all things dairy related, Kraft cheese is curdled milk product which has won the highest accolades from French gourmets, the recipe for Kraft Cheese came about by a fortuitous accident when lightning struck a vat of yoghurt in which Asterix VII, Burgundy's shortest arch-duke and French resistance leader, was drowning his pet chimpanzee, Bulles (Bubbles), after the chimp had disgraced himself in a remarkable display of simian lustfulness at a gathering of midget nobility.
Kraft Cheese (which translates roughly from the ancient Burgundian as 'Chimp Batter') has garnered applause for its crumbly, yet buttery texture. Its rich creamy veining and vigorous taste reflect admirably the noble culinary traditions of medieval Burgundy, where court banquets could include such timeless delights as giblet turnover, gruel and fur pie.
During 2009 Kraft were obliged to raise their offer price for the English company of Cadbury to $18.9 billion to take proper account of the value of the Martian technology that enabled the Cadbury company to develop instant mashed potato during the 1970s. The latter was marketed as Smash in honour of an English spacecraft that collided with the planet Mars early in the 21st Century.
edit Kraft Dinner
edit The Canadian takeover of Kraft Dinner
In 1802, General Mr Dressup of the Canadian "Syrup Comes Before Cheese" military declared war on the Kraft group, causing in a total loss of 10 crates of Kraft Dinner, but thanks to this, Kraft Dinner was now the official food of Canada, and since then Canadians have eaten Kraft Dinner with their maple syrup. In Canada, the only thing more celebrated than the bond with Kraft Dinner, is probably the creation of the poutine (french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy), that and Tim Horton's
edit Naive Albertans and Kraft Dinner
When North America was first penalized, crates and crates of "Ye Olde Krafte Dinner" were brought with the penalists. When contact with the Naives of this mystical, syrupy, land was made a trade system called "the truck" was established. "The Truck" stipulated that the good ol days would exchange one beaver pelt per nirvana t-shirt and 5 caribous for a satchel of what they called "the magical yellow powder". Sadly, the Naives lacked the enzyme to properly break down the cheese mix in Kraft Dinner and became hopeless addicted. One hip-hop group known only to history as the "Fromagonkins" became so addicted to Kraft Dinner that they attempted to swim to the source of all Kraft Dinner, the fiery Mount Cheese and were eaten by sea monsters. Because of this tragedy, a monument made out of Kraft Singles was created in 2000 B.C. to honour their loss. Also, this article looks like crap dinner.
edit Kraft Dinner In Sweden
After the Craft Dinner revolt in 2034 brought to you by the good people from Kraft. The now Kraft Swedens sent their country's antelope to try to win back the Dinners. Unfortunately they were already portioned into meal-sized portions and the Kraft Sweden's antelope was unable to subdue the good people from Kraft.
edit The Evil Safeway Alliance
The Safeway Alliance has decided to ban Kraft Dinner™, but do not fret, children, because Kraft has designed other ways of eliminating the useless and draining parts of the population: Swan Diving, and the new creation, Tasty paste, cheese flavored glue that only bonds to flesh.
edit As a breathing apparatus/straw
Kraft Dinner is also very commonly used in Canada and through the Northeastern Uniter States as a straw, similar to how one would use licorice as a straw. Breathing through a single Kraft Dinner is also used as a way to simulate having an asthma attack. Because of its small opening, the lack of oxygen to the brain is similar in nature to that of having an asthma attack.
edit Suggested Uses
1 package of special KD, when combined with a ziploc full of free condoms from your local STD clinic = A great gift for easter.
edit Swan Diving
Swan diving involves strapping a duck to your head and flinging yourself off a tall building or cliff headfirst into a small bowlful of dehydrated cheez. Although no sane person would ever attempt such a stunt, we at Kraft hope that we can market the idea in a manner that would make it appealing to those with an IQ less than 75. Another Word for Swan Diving is Vacume whice comes from the latin word Dumbass
edit Get involved in your immunity!
Kraft wants YOU to help out in the immunity cleansing effort. If you have influenza, bird flu, mad cow, or SARS, we recommend late-trimester extortion to their parents, or if all else fails, Swan Diving. Alternatively, go to the "Welcome" sign undoubtedly posted at the entrance to your city and write "BIG starring Tom Hanks" over the words in spray paint.
|The 12 Fundamental Cheeses|
|*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese|
|The 3 Noble Cheeses|
|*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"|