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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kraft.

Kraft is a cheesy US company. Founded in 3, it is most famous for being the origin of all evil and being really, really big.

Kraft Cheese

Named for the god of all things dairy related, Kraft cheese is curdled milk product which has won the highest accolades from French gourmets, the recipe for Kraft Cheese came about by a fortuitous accident when lightning struck a vat of yoghurt in which Asterix VII, Burgundy's shortest arch-duke and French resistance leader, was drowning his pet chimpanzee, Bulles (Bubbles), after the chimp had disgraced himself in a remarkable display of simian lustfulness at a gathering of midget nobility.

Kraft Cheese (which translates roughly from the ancient Burgundian as 'Chimp Batter') has garnered applause for its crumbly, yet buttery texture. Its rich creamy veining and vigorous taste reflect admirably the noble culinary traditions of medieval Burgundy, where court banquets could include such timeless delights as giblet turnover, gruel and fur pie.

During 2009 Kraft were obliged to raise their offer price for the English company of Cadbury to $18.9 billion to take proper account of the value of the Martian technology that enabled the Cadbury company to develop instant mashed potato during the 1970s. The latter was marketed as Smash in honour of an English spacecraft that collided with the planet Mars early in the 21st Century.

Some suggestions have been made that rabbits (see Clinja ) at the core of the earth reproduce to make Kraft cheese however the source of this suggestion is unreliable. ( for details see The Big One )

Judy Garland devoted her fifteenth year to Kraft Cheese.


  • Capri Sun (North America Only): Provides millions of children a year with a "sharp stick" for eye poking.
  • Cadburys: Chocolate and cheese does not mix, except in a cheesecake and no, they dont do that. Expect to see Dairy Milks become Krafty Milks or something bizzare.

Cheez Whiz: Made with real cheese, and possibly urine.

  • Chips Ahoy!: California highway patrol snack.
  • Cool Whip: High calory marital aid.
  • Dairylea (UK only): Sounds like diarrhoea.
  • Easy Cheese: Because cheese is difficult.
  • Jell-O gelatin: For Jell-O wrestling, Jell-O shots, and possibly consumption.
  • Kool-Aid (The Americas only, plus the Philippines): Named before AIDS killed millions.
  • Kraft Dinna: Noodle-like substitute combined with "cheese" flavoured cow hoof powder. Popular in Canuckistan.
  • Kraftwerk (Germany only): German verison of Kraft Dinner
  • Kraft Singles: Never call after a one night stand.
  • Lacta: Probably cow milk, but sounds like it might be breast milk.
  • Miracle Whip: Mayonnaise with sugar. Must be forced on people while they are children if adult enjoyment is to be possible.
  • Nabob (Canada only): National Association of Black Owned Broadcasters[1].
  • Oreo: Racially ambiguous cookie.
  • Oscar Mayer: I you were an Os-car May-er Wie-ner, Ev-ery one would be in love with you.
  • Ritz: Crackers of the elite.
  • Tang: Astronaut slang for vagina.
  • Terry's Chocolate Orange: Shaped like an fucking orange! With slices!
  • Toblerone: Chocolate for people to old for Hersheys or Cadbury. But hey, it's Swiss!!1!!1
  • Triscuit: Originally had a square shape do to geometry misconception. Triangular Tricuits now available.
  • Velveeta: Nongovermental government cheese.
  • Vegemite (Australia Only): Apparently, a spread made out of shit. Good on bread.
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